Question about memorial services...

[MomRN]

My step-daughters best friend's mother died unexpectedly yesterday morning. I did not know the mother, but the young girl (16) has spent the night a few times.

They are having a service on Wednesday at a church. Left behind in the immediate family are dad and 2 teenage daughters.

I was going to send flowers to the church (I understand mom will be cremated), but the BF posted on facebook to make donations to the humane shelter or the church.

WWYD in this situation? Would you still send flowers, make the donation, or give them some kind of gift card inside a sympathy card? If so... to what, a restaurant, grocery store, Walmart?

I'm not sure that it matters, but they are lower middle class and do not have much money, but work for what they have. I'm sure besides the emotional difficulty, there will be some financial difficulty absorbed.

Thanks for any suggestions.

 

[Swan4Me]

A nice plant that they could take home would be nice

 

[Goofyluver]

My step-daughters best friend's mother died unexpectedly yesterday morning. I did not know the mother, but the young girl (16) has spent the night a few times.

They are having a service on Wednesday at a church. Left behind in the immediate family are dad and 2 teenage daughters.

I was going to send flowers to the church (I understand mom will be cremated), but the BF posted on facebook to make donations to the humane shelter or the church.

WWYD in this situation? Would you still send flowers, make the donation, or give them some kind of gift card inside a sympathy card? If so... to what, a restaurant, grocery store, Walmart?

I'm not sure that it matters, but they are lower middle class and do not have much money, but work for what they have. I'm sure besides the emotional difficulty, there will be some financial difficulty absorbed.

Thanks for any suggestions.

I wouldn't send flowers, as they have asked folks to make donations to specific places.

I'd make a donation in the mother's name...and if you would like to do more, in a few weeks after everyone has moved on from this tragedy, maybe a nice card just telling the family you're thinking of them and letting them know you're there if they need you.

Have your step-daughter invite her friend around to take her mind off things. She may be needing some distraction and support in the coming weeks.

 

[clh2]

Unless this was a very close family member, in which case my answer would be different - I would make a memorial donation as the family requested.

If it were a close family member, I would do some sort of arrangement. I'm not a fan of "plants to take home" because I would be the first one to let one, uum "lapse".

I would see if the family needs anything - someone sent my mom and dad a fruit basket when my grandma passed away, which my parents appreciated, since both my sisters and our families were kind of in and out of their house over the next couple of days.

If the family needed any food for this week- I would do that in addition to a memorial.

 

[Microcell]

As close as your step daughter and her friend are, I would probably make and take something to them that they could freeze and reheat easily. No one is going to want to cook there in the next couple of months. Things that might help financially is maybe to take her places and sometimes tell her you are paying since she was invited by you.

I think it is up to you if you want to donate or send flowers, but the real help for the family is in the little kindnesses. I worked in a group home for adults with developmental disabilities and when one of the people we served lost his mom we invited his dad to dinner every Friday night and he appreciated it so much!

 

[MomRN]

Unfortunately, I'm not sure on their likes/dislikes, and I'm not real sure about meals that freeze well. That's why I was wondering about gift cards to restaurants (although, I admit I'm not sure what restaurants they like... I was thinking pizza since most people like pizza)

Would it be completely inappropriate to get a small plant, a sympathy card, a gift card (to say, Pizza Hut)? I also thought I would see what Hallmark has as far as sympathy "gifts" (I know my coworkers got me a candle from there when my grandmother passed).

BTW- I'm trying to keep this <$50

 

[MommaSnowwhite]

I really would not get a plant. I would find some other way to help. A couple of years ago a Mom died in our circle of friends. Several of us went together and paid to have mowing done for a couple of months so they wouldn't have to think about it. The father loved having the extra time to spend with the girls.

I would think food gift certificates would also be nice.

 

[RunningGirl]

Unfortunately, I'm not sure on their likes/dislikes, and I'm not real sure about meals that freeze well. That's why I was wondering about gift cards to restaurants (although, I admit I'm not sure what restaurants they like... I was thinking pizza since most people like pizza)

Would it be completely inappropriate to get a small plant, a sympathy card, a gift card (to say, Pizza Hut)? I also thought I would see what Hallmark has as far as sympathy "gifts" (I know my coworkers got me a candle from there when my grandmother passed).

BTW- I'm trying to keep this <$50

I would not do a plant or flowers - everyone one I know is always trying to figure out what to do with all the plants/flowers they get. Definitely a card and if you can't figure out a meal to make that can be frozen (lasagna works well, as do many other pasta dishes) then a gift card to a restaurant would be nice. If they're having family over after the service you could offer a dish of food for that.

 

[poohfriend77]

I'm sure your step daughter can tell you some of their likes/dislikes. I agree about skipping the plant. I think restaurant gift cards and a sympathy card would be a wonderful gesture.

Another idea would be do have a "cooking day" at your house with both girls. They could help you plan and make a couple freezer-friendly meals. The friend could tailor them to her family's preferences. You could make two, one for your family, and one to send home with her. I'm sure the food would be appreciated, plus you'd be giving the girl something to do and teaching her cooking skills she can use to help out around her house.

 

[MomRN]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I will go with a card, a gift card, and possibly a small donation also.

Would still welcome any other suggestions.

 

[okeydokey]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I will go with a card, a gift card, and possibly a small donation also.

Would still welcome any other suggestions.

I think this is spot on.

 

[disneychic2]

I'm always in favor of following the specific wishes of the family (as posted on facebook). Takes the guesswork out of it. I think you may be over-thinking it. It's so nice of you to want to support the family even though you don't know them well. They will greatly appreciate anything you do. Bless your heart.

 

[MomRN]

Well, I texted my sd, and her original reply was "idk". She then said flowers, so now I'm back to square one. My husband said he would call sd's mom tomorrow (she was closer to the family) and get her opinion.

He seems to think if they are having a "carry-in" type dinner after the service it would be best to bring them some food (maybe getting a large order of fried chicken from Walmart, or sandwich/fruit/veggie platters) and if it's not, to go with the card/gift card.

The PP is probably right, I'm so over-thinking things. I hate options.

I think I'll see what the obit says in the morning, if it says "in lieu of flowers" I will go with another option. If not, I'll go with my sd'd wishes of flowers.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm not a fan of "plants to take home" because I would be the first one to let one, uum "lapse".

Absolutely.

Having dead flowers, or plants that will just die, at the house is just extra depressing when your mom has died (especially if she is the one that kept plants alive!).

Food is good. Doesn't really matter what type. My stepdad and I are vegetarian, but not everyone knew that and sent over all sorts of things...it helped my brother and sis in law, along with anyone else who stopped by. We did pull out a bunch of it for the after-service get-together...we didn't have anything at all planned, so it was nice that food was right there.

The gift that stood out most of all was the kind note from neighbors (they lived in a townhouse development, and didn't know that many people...these people were unknown to us entirely) along with a $20 bill. When we got it we thought "hmm, that's odd". And then one day it just sounded good to have a pizza...that $20 was really handy! So the weird gift became the BEST gift.

Even if you don't get them anything immediately, you can follow up in a week, even 2 weeks. They'll still be wandering around the house wondering what on earth happened, and a gift or a card or some food or a hug...those are HUGE at that point when everyone has faded away...

 

[ksjayhawks]

Don't get a plant if they have requested donations to go to other places.

Go with the card, gift card and small donation.

 

[AnnaS]

Mass card and a small donation.

Like everyone here has said, depending on how close and the relationship - I might send flowers or a nice basket (fruit, or breakfast items) a week or so later. We had a ton of them but when you get them all at the same time - it's too much.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would not do a plant or flowers - everyone one I know is always trying to figure out what to do with all the plants/flowers they get. Definitely a card and if you can't figure out a meal to make that can be frozen (lasagna works well, as do many other pasta dishes) then a gift card to a restaurant would be nice. If they're having family over after the service you could offer a dish of food for that.

I wold do cash or a gift card to a local place--but I have to say that we loved all the plants when my godson died--he died almost 10 years ago and the memorial garden I planted all the plants that we got in out in my backyard is still going strong and I love seeing the plants out there!

 

[golfgal]

If you do flowers or plants that is just one more thing that they will have to deal with after the service (getting them home or figuring out where to bring them). If they requested a donation to their church or the humane society, donate what you would spend on the flowers to one of those places. Put a card in the box at the service stating that you donated $xxx to the Humane society in her name. Most people see flowers at a funeral as a waste of money, at least around here. A plant or two is fine but most people prefer donations in the name of the deceased that can help a cause.

 

[MomRN]

Well after much debate and consideration, I went with a sympathy card and gift card to a Pizza Place. I figure this... no one wants to say in lieu of flowers give us money, but I imagine money is really what they could use now. Sending cash would be tacky, but by sending the gift cards I took care of their dinner for a day or two.

I can understand not wanting flowers, I wouldn't want flowers either. I would think if it was my passing, I would appreciate someone doing something to ease the burden on my family whatever that may be.

Such a sad situation, the mom was only 3 years older than me. Her daughter (sd's BF) has always been welcome here. I wish there was a way to involve her in our Disney trip in October, but I just don't see it financially possible.

Thanks for everyone's advice!

 

[RunningGirl]

Well after much debate and consideration, I went with a sympathy card and gift card to a Pizza Place. I figure this... no one wants to say in lieu of flowers give us money, but I imagine money is really what they could use now. Sending cash would be tacky, but by sending the gift cards I took care of their dinner for a day or two.

I can understand not wanting flowers, I wouldn't want flowers either. I would think if it was my passing, I would appreciate someone doing something to ease the burden on my family whatever that may be.

Such a sad situation, the mom was only 3 years older than me. Her daughter (sd's BF) has always been welcome here. I wish there was a way to involve her in our Disney trip in October, but I just don't see it financially possible.

Thanks for everyone's advice!

Great job! Glad you're involved with the daughter and hope you'll try to continue to be a caring adult in her life.