Question about funeral etiquette

[ronandannette]

To be fair for some there is a deeper meaning of the things that are left in the casket of their loved one. While I know that the body is a corpse, that is not how I look at them when they are buried or when I go to visit their grave either. So for me, that piece of scrap paper in there does matter.
Obviously others are free to feel the way they do, I just think in the end, it is the family's feelings and reasoning on the matter that are the right ones in this kind of situation, not the stranger's.

In my experience, the funeral director would (and should) ask the family what they want done with anything that had been deposited in the casket and it's certainly fair to have everything (or just some things) removed at their preference. I could never go so far as to agree that people leaving small tokens meaningful to them (and presumably the deceased) are doing anything wrong.

i had a coworker whose dh was a professional photographer as his side job. the practice you speak of is still VERY common with certain cultures some of which had large communities in the area of northern california we lived/worked. initially the majority of his jobs were weddings and kid's sport teams but once word got out in the community that he was willing to do death/funeral photos he couldn't keep up with the demand.

Marketing 101 - find a need and fill it!

 

[ponyboy]

I wouldn't do it but it wouldn't make me mad. She obviously had something to tell her that she didn't get a chance to. I also wouldn't read it because it was between them and not me.

don't understand why people would get mad at this. A funeral is something to allow the living to mourn and to make peace with the death of someone they knew or cared for and that's obviously what this lady was doing.

Just because not much was known about her doesn't mean anything. There are a lot of people I interact with at work daily that I'm friends with that my family knows absolutely nothing about.

 

[SharonZ]

Although it was probably inappropriate, it would not have bothered me. Come to think of it, I would have probably read the note and placed it back in the casket.

 

[robinb]

I’m wondering why people would read the note. Isn’t it between the decreased and the work friend?

 

[HopperFan]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

At first, I thought this was odd and I was honestly a little uncomfortable. But I've come to see it for what it is. It's actually interesting now to watch the reactions of those who are, for the first time, seeing this being done at a funeral. In the instances where I've seen this happen, it's always been done with discretion and respect.

When visiting a member DH family in midwest, I was going through all her albums to take pictures of old pictures. We both do ancestry. I was taken back by all the "coffin photos". She said it was very common. I wasn't sure how to feel about it. When my FIL passed it had to be closed, when my MIL passed we had open for family and voted to close it for viewing because it didn't look like her. That is an image I don't want on film. I have pictures of them right before they passed, that is good for me.

I wouldn't do it but it wouldn't make me mad. She obviously had something to tell her that she didn't get a chance to. I also wouldn't read it because it was between them and not me.

don't understand why people would get mad at this. A funeral is something to allow the living to mourn and to make peace with the death of someone they knew or cared for and that's obviously what this lady was doing.

Just because not much was known about her doesn't mean anything. There are a lot of people I interact with at work daily that I'm friends with that my family knows absolutely nothing about.

I get maybe you don't understand because you wouldn't care, but I do. My family member is going in the ground is forever and only the immediate family has the right make all decisions related to this. They should be the only one to place things in with them or give permission to do so. Funeral directors should remove all added objects unless a family has told them otherwise. From reading, I guess from now on we'll need a person to stay with the deceased to make sure people don't drop stuff in there. Yes it is a time for folks to come mourn, it is not a place to insert yourself into the family's grief. Only my family is to decide what my person will be surrounded with for eternity.

It's okay for folks to not care ............... it's not okay to dismiss those who do.

 

[Kennywood]

In the 18th & 19th centuries, it wasn't uncommon to have "death masks" made of someone after they died. Abraham Lincoln's is probably the most well-known example.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Very normal in my world. Sometimes people ask, most times they don't. I've never heard anyone get upset by it.

 

[ronandannette]

I’m wondering why people would read the note. Isn’t it between the decreased and the work friend?

'Cause I'm just curious like that. Presumably, I'd be opening any future mail addressed to my deceased loved one too.

 

[bethbuchall]

I’m wondering why people would read the note. Isn’t it between the decreased and the work friend?

I didn't say it was the right thing to do, just that I know that I would do it. It's a character flaw, but there's no way that I'd be able to not know what a note in my mother's coffin said.

 

[JodyLynC]

I really don't understand why such a private moment between a deceased person and a mourner is so offensive. I have a couple of co-workers who I am very close that my kids have never met. Those relationships are private and frankly none of my kids' business. These friends would likely show up at my funeral and possibly add a note.

I have left instructions for my family on what to do after I have passed. I am currently adding a note to these instructions stating that if a mourner leaves something for me in the coffin to leave it alone. It is between me and my friend.

 

[Lilsia]

I really don't understand why such a private moment between a deceased person and a mourner is so offensive. I have a couple of co-workers who I am very close that my kids have never met. Those relationships are private and frankly none of my kids' business. These friends would likely show up at my funeral and possibly add a note.

I have left instructions for my family on what to do after I have passed. I am currently adding a note to these instructions stating that if a mourner leaves something for me in the coffin to leave it alone. It is between me and my friend.

That is a great discussion to have with your family. Especially because everyone feels so differently about it. When there isn't those clear feelings, I think that the polite thing would be to ask the family if it is OK because you don't know what that family believes in. There are cultures out there that do not allow anything to go into the casket. I just think that it is the polite and ethical thing to do. Like I said, I did not read the note, nor did I want to. But a person should take the family's wishes into consideration.

 

[ponyboy]

I get maybe you don't understand because you wouldn't care, but I do. My family member is going in the ground is forever and only the immediate family has the right make all decisions related to this. They should be the only one to place things in with them or give permission to do so. Funeral directors should remove all added objects unless a family has told them otherwise. From reading, I guess from now on we'll need a person to stay with the deceased to make sure people don't drop stuff in there. Yes it is a time for folks to come mourn, it is not a place to insert yourself into the family's grief. Only my family is to decide what my person will be surrounded with for eternity.

It's okay for folks to not care ............... it's not okay to dismiss those who do.

You're not the only person who's had someone close to you die. I've buried my mom, dad and brother so I understand the process. If you're worried enough about this to post a guard then just close the casket or have a private family only service.

I said I wouldn't do it but I didn't see what the big deal was. The OP asked opinions and I gave mine. I didn't dismiss anyone. Don't put words in my mouth.