Question about a new AA member and the holidays....

[antkim]

PLEASE know that it took me a lot to write this so I would appreciate NO FLAMES!

I have posted here a few times with questions about alcohol etc. but I never mentioned who I was concerned about....although it is not myself.... it is my Mom.

Well, Mom has come to a point where she has started attending AA meetings. She went for a bit, had some hard times, went back etc. Although I do not believe (know) she has compeltey stopped drinking...I know that she is trying.

I will not go into any details as I do not feel it necessary...but I do need advice.

This may seem like a dumb question to some....since Mom is new to AA (since the summer....and she has had "episodes" since) I would like to know how to handle the holidays. We are a group of family/friends that do indulge in a few glasses of wine etc. when we are together. My brother and I were speaking tonight about dinner at his home tomorrow. We would all be more than willing not to have alcohol at all for my Mom's sake...that is not a problem. Which is where we get confused....because it is so natural for us all to have a glass of wine at dinner would it make her more uncomfortable if we didn't drink or if we did drink??? Obviously, if we were all not having wine she would know it were for her benefit....what is the best way to support her?

I SOOOOO can not handle flames here as I have not even come close to defining the situation.....just touched the very fragile surface. I DO welcome any advice and would appreciate any kind input!

Kim

 

[cepmom]

have you spoken with your Mom and asked her how she feels about it? I can't asy for sure how she would feel...I have people in my life that are sober (thank God) and I don't hesitate to drink around them, but these people have been sober a long time ~ it's such a personal thing...I think you need to have an honest talk with your Mom to see what she thinks would be best for her.

how kind of you to think of her during this difficult time...hang in there ~ it can get better

 

[HeatherH]

Kim, we have more than one alcoholic in our family, all recovering, thankfully.

We did serve alcohol at family functions, because that was the norm for us. It honestly depends on how fragile your mom is right now, and if she is likely or not to imbibe if alcohol is there. Part of recovery for the alcoholic is being able to be in situations where alcohol is served, but that takes TIME; sometimes it's hard in the beginning.

Is this something you can talk to your mom about and see how she feels? IF you can, I would go by her cue.

I hope it works out for you and you have a great holiday.

 

[Aidensmom]

I agree, talk to her. I too know some recovering alcoholics, and many of them don't mind if you drink in front of them, and many of them do, but none that I know mind you asking about it.

ETA: And if she says she doesn't mind, and she ends up having a glass of wine or two, remember that it is NOT your fault.

 

[winniedapooh]

I agree, talk to her. I too know some recovering alcoholics, and many of them don't mind if you drink in front of them, and many of them do, but none that I know mind you asking about it.

QUOTE]

 

[MNSusan]

We have recovering alcoholics in our family, too. We asked them what would be most comfortable for them, and they said no booze. So all our holidays, for years now, have been sober ones.

I wouldn't make assumptions. Just ask your mom.

 

[antkim]

Thanks guys! I know I should ask her however, I know her answer will be....please do not NOT have a glass of wine because of me. I honestly think that if we did not have alcohol that would make her more uncomfortable...she would know that she were the reason for this...which again is no big deal.

Problem with Mom right now is...although she is going to AA now I do not think she has "accepted" why she is going. My Dh is very "educated" in this topic (his line of work...in a sense) and says it may take 1000 meetings before she realizes she "belongs there"....so her "urge" is still there and always will be from what I have heard/read.

Anyway, I just wanted some "friends" advice here. I do not speak of this much to my "real world" friends as I do not want them to ever think poorly of Mom....she is a very loved, respected woman around here!

Thanks!

Kim

 

[shortbun]

I know more than my share of alcoholics. None of them like to be around drinkers. That said, I'd ask my mother before I changed the tradition. Tell her you are considering it and ask if she would be more comfortable. We never have alcohol at family gatherings. None, ever. It's just not that important.

 

[Imzadi]

I think it is so wonderful that you family all supports your mom in this. You might think of asking her & framing it in that positive & supportive way, "Mom, the whole family (or those who know) are so proud of you attending AA & not drinking since summer." (Don't mention any binges.) "We want to honor & support you in this over the holidays by showing our solidarity with you by not drinking too at these events!"

Maybe instead of her feeling on the spot by having to make a choice, in which case, she'd want you all to be able to drink. Take the choice out of her hands as a show of "soldarity."

Holidays are hard enough as it is. If people DO drink & they get slightly tipsy, loud, laughing, etc. it may TRIGGER in her the need to drink, to have those old comforts & habits back in place. This is the first family holiday without drinking. She will feel strange regardless of whether the rest of the family drinks or not, until being sober is the new "norm" for her. If she's fragile enough that drinking in front of her (right now) may send her over, the rest of the family NOT drinking may help her. Err on the side of caution.

 

[debster812]

Kim, sweetie, I have no first hand advice, I just wanted to stop by and let you know I think you and your family are doing a great thing in supporting your mom this way.

You know how to find me if you need me, OK?

 

[antkim]

"This is the first family holiday without drinking. She will feel strange regardless of whether the rest of the family drinks or not, until being sober is the new "norm" for her. If she's fragile enough that drinking in front of her (right now) may send her over, the rest of the family NOT drinking may help her. Err on the side of caution"

This is where I was very vague...this is not her first holiday not drinking....just her first holiday being an AA member...make sense? She has stopped drinking many, many times...always strong enough to do it herself....never needed AA as she was not "like them"....very, very common. Fact of the matter is....an alcoholic is an alcoholic whether you are rich, poor liked, unliked, live in a house or live on the streets. They all suffer a from a very sad and demeaning disease...period.


"Kim, sweetie, I have no first hand advice, I just wanted to stop by and let you know I think you and your family are doing a great thing in supporting your mom this way.

You know how to find me if you need me, OK?"

Deb...this is why I love this community..thank you SO much for the kind word and support...and yes, I know where you are..you may just regret that someday!

Kim

 

[Tinijocaro]

My brother is an alchoholic, hasn't had a drink in over 10 years. He always said that he has to learn to live in the real world, so if we would normally serve alchohol, continue doing so if he's around, he just won't be having any. But...that's him. Once he quit drinking, he was totally reformed,totally against alchohol. Your mom sound like she is having a tougher time committing to not drinking, having it around may temp her. Why not ask her what she would prefer? Encourage her to continue to go to her meetings, and you, as a daughter of an alchohlic, really should seek out the support of an al-anon meeting. You will learn how to deal with having an alchoholic loved one. It's really a great support system for both the alchoholic and their families/friends. Best of luck to you and your mom.

Jackie

PLEASE know that it took me a lot to write this so I would appreciate NO FLAMES!

I have posted here a few times with questions about alcohol etc. but I never mentioned who I was concerned about....although it is not myself.... it is my Mom.

Well, Mom has come to a point where she has started attending AA meetings. She went for a bit, had some hard times, went back etc. Although I do not believe (know) she has compeltey stopped drinking...I know that she is trying.

I will not go into any details as I do not feel it necessary...but I do need advice.

This may seem like a dumb question to some....since Mom is new to AA (since the summer....and she has had "episodes" since) I would like to know how to handle the holidays. We are a group of family/friends that do indulge in a few glasses of wine etc. when we are together. My brother and I were speaking tonight about dinner at his home tomorrow. We would all be more than willing not to have alcohol at all for my Mom's sake...that is not a problem. Which is where we get confused....because it is so natural for us all to have a glass of wine at dinner would it make her more uncomfortable if we didn't drink or if we did drink??? Obviously, if we were all not having wine she would know it were for her benefit....what is the best way to support her?

I SOOOOO can not handle flames here as I have not even come close to defining the situation.....just touched the very fragile surface. I DO welcome any advice and would appreciate any kind input!

Kim

 

[jamzots]

Since she just started AA, I would stick with family about not having alcohol. It's just too tempting, esp @ a holiday funtion. Yeah she will know your doing it because of her, without you saying so, but that's what family is for and she will appreciate it in the long run. I have had family members that are recovering and when they first started not drinking, we sort of had a silent no drinking rule at holiday functions. Years later they remain sober and we now feel comfortable enough to have a few at gatherings. Good Luck and Happy Thanksgiving.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Just stopping by, Kim, to share a You're getting good advice here I think. You are a good daughter, my best wishes for you mom. And a Happy Thanksgiving wish for you and your family. 's

 

[antkim]

Thanks again for all the kind advice! It is appreciated more than words can say!

And a big hello to you Dan! I have not seen you in a bit!

Kim

 

[Keli]

Because she's just started and she's struggling and has had some episodes I wouldn't serve any alcohol. I think she's probably too fragile to handle it just yet. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and I think at this point I would probably drink even though I knew I shouldn't just so I felt like I was a part of the celebration with everyone else.

 

[antkim]

Because she's just started and she's struggling and has had some episodes I wouldn't serve any alcohol. I think she's probably too fragile to handle it just yet. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and I think at this point I would probably drink even though I knew I shouldn't just so I felt like I was a part of the celebration with everyone else.

She would NEVER, EVER pick up a drink in front of us now...whether part of the celebration or not..it is when she is alone at home that is the problem

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

If you can't ask your mom or if you would just feel more comfortable have Martinellies cider or something instead of wine.

You may want to look into the meetings they have for friends and family of alcoholics for yourself.

 

[WDWLVR]

I think you've gotten some great advice already. Since this will be her first maybe it is better that none is served. Is there something else you could serve and maybe start a new tradition. Like a punch or as someone else suggested a cider. I know she has to learn to live around alcohol in the real world but I think that would come with time.

Good luck and best wishes to your mom on her recovery.

 

[Cindy B]

We have more than one recovering person in our family as well.

The thanksgiving host is the recovering AA person. They've been sober so long, there is wine, open bar and such and it doesn't bother that person. Its been a long time though.

I know in the beginning people would ask and they didn't mind so it wasn't a big deal I guess.