Queen Bees and Wannabees- Help!!!!!

[BoilerGirl91]

I hope I am posting in the right forum. If you've read the above book, you know what I am talking about. I need some parenting advice. This weekend I had a pretty disheartening incident with my 7 year old daughter.

For some background information- I live in a small development - 2 streets of 24 houses each- everyone knows each others business and everyone has been here since the development began. About one year after living here, we started having problems with our neighbor's daughter, about 2 years older than my daughter, and our other neighbors' kids who are twins- same age as my daughter. I am a working mom and as such my kids our not out as much as these kids, whose mom's stay at home. They spend alot of time together and that is understandable ( I don't want to start any mommy wars-please). I, however, feel the "guilt" of my kid not being in their clique because I work (and before you suggest it, these kids have come over and played with my daughter when it is good for them- i.e. bounce house is out, water slide is out,etc). Unfortunately, the older neighbor girl does not like our daughter and tells the girls in my daughters class not to like her etc.


This weekend, the younger sister of the girl that does not like my daughter tells my daughter that "everyone hates her" and that is why they do not play with her. I don't know what my daughter ever did to deserve this "hatred". She is a very sensitive and loving child. She is in soccer and Brownies and has friends in those groups and at school. It just seems like this small group is ruining her chances for any friends on our street- which sucks because this is where we live and she should feel comfortable. My daughter is not a "follower", which I think is a problem for the "ringleader of hatred".

After this happened, my daughter actually went up to the girls in question and asked them straight out do you hate me. They said no, but what would they say when confronted? I worry about my daughter's self esteem, but my husband says that a kid with self esteem issues would be in their room crying not confronting the kids in question.

I guess maybe my daughter is stronger than me. I just did not think that I would have to deal with these venomous statements from girls at age 7. I am not looking to another summer from hell on my street. For mothers of daughters-what is your best advice for dealing with this situations. Deep down I just want to tell these kids off , but I know that would just be momentary satisfaction and not help my daughter at all.

Help!!!!!

 

[mommy2aprincess4]

My advice is to #1 talk to the girls mothers - without the girls present. do not be confrontational, the thing here is to remember that you can not make everyone like your children. BUT I think you should talk to the other mothers, voice your concerns, find out what might be going on there. If the other girls sincerely, for whatever reason, don't like your daughter, there's really not much you can do about that. The fact that they are making it hard for her to have other friends in the neighborhood is another matter. That should be addressed with all parties - parents, children- present if this is going to continue to be a problem. That is how I would hanlde it anyway.

It starts earlier and earlier and it breaks my heart. My dd 4 is an only child. Very outgoing and loves to play with other kids. yesterday we were at chuck e cheese and she zoned in on a group of 3 little girls, 2 were around 6 or 7, the other around 4. She went and asked them if she could play with them and they looked at her and said "We don't know you, we don't like you, we don't want to play with you" - I was sitting probably five feet away when they said this to her. My daughter started to cry of course, I went over to get her and told the girls that they didn't have to play with her but there was no reason to be mean. Tonight my daughter called me into her room after she had gone to bed, told me she had to tell me something, and when I went in she started crying - because those girls wouldn't play with her and were mean. She said "No one will ever play with me." It devastates me that at 4 she's worrying about these things. I try to explain to her that not everyone is going to be nice and play with her. I tell her to just say "ok" and walk away and find someone else to play with,and what does she say to me? "But Mommy, it's not nice to just walk away". She's right, but how do you explain to a 4 year old that the world is not always nice and sometimes you have to just walk away.

I feel for your daughter, and you. It's hard to make friends, and it's terrible when children are so cruel to each other. I hope that you can find a way to work this out and help your daughter at the same time. I also think those other girls need someone to set them straight - but sometimes what has been taught just can't be unlearned. I'm sorry your both going through this.

 

[holly7347]

No advice here just My DD's are only 5 and 3 and haven't really experienced this much yet. But I think sometimes these issues are harder for mom than the kids. My oldest DD has some social issues and sometimes other kids shy away from her because she is loud and very touchy feely. I went on a field trip with her class around Christmas time and she really wanted to sit by a particular girl and this other girl just paid no attention to her and sat gabbing with another girl. I saw that DD was sad about it and when those mama bear instincts kick in you just want to grab the "mean" girl and say hey there is nothing wrong with my DD you be nice to her It sounds like your DD is handling it pretty well though, like your DH said she isn't in her room crying. It is good that she has friends from other groups.

 

[katybugsmom]

I understand and feel your pain! My DD is 9 and has experienced something very similiar to this in our school's afterschool program for district employees' children. I just happened to look through the gym doors and saw my DD sitting all by herself looking like she had lost her best friend. You NEVER see my daughter by herself-the more the merrier to her! She's a drama queen and never meets a stranger! Anyway, a sub's daughter was in the program for a couple of weeks and was very ugly to my DD and wouldn't let any of the girls my DD was used to playing with play with her. Now before anyone says anything-I know the girls could have told the sub's daughter no, but most are followers and do what the majority wants to do! I have been overweight all my life and my daughter is overweight too even though she is very active-she has taken dance for 5 years now and has played softball and volleyball-I feel very sensitive when it affects my DD because I am so afraid her self-esteem will plummet and children will start picking on her because of her weight as well. I didn't let her see my cry, but as soon as I got back to my classroom the bottom fell out. It only happened that one time, but I will remember how rejected my DD looked for a long time!!!!!!
Children can be very cruel!!!

On the side: I do think as parents and especially mothers we take things to heart more than our children do-we want the best for them and we don't ever want to see them get hurt, although we all know it will happen and more times than we can count in a lifetime.

 

[BoilerGirl91]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. I know that this is probably the hard part of parenting- seeing your child hurt and I agree that it is probably worse for the mom at times. I guess I need to focus on the fact that this is just a select group of kids and not everyone that my daughter is involved with. I guess I should think that there is something sad within these other children- they must not like themselves much. I guess I will just continue to tell her I love her everyday and think she is the best.

 

[Rylee]

Friends are very important, without friends, I think most would be lonely and unhappy. Parents that fail to teach their children how to get along with others and how to be a good friend, are setting them up for some miserable times ahead. It seems as though the older neighborhood girl has some insecurity issues.

I know you said you have had the other girls over, but I would set up play dates whenever it is convenient for you... but rather than invite them as a group, I'd invite them one at a time to give them time to form a friendship bond. (Guess you'd have to invite the twins together.) Invite the younger sister of the Queenbee, a different day, invite the twins... eventually, the Queenbee will "want in." Once she starts acting nicely towards your daughter, you can include her, too.

I'd also invite friends from Brownie's or soccer, from time to time, so if your daughter feels reassured that she has friends and also, so if sees the neighborhood girls out playing, she won't feel as "left out."

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

I have no suggestions but I do have to add how appalled I am that this behavior seems to start earlier and earlier. We have little girls in my DD(4)'s dance class who already do this "I'm not playing with you today" and "I don't like you today" behavior. Seriously, where do they learn these things?

 

[DevilDuckie]

While it is unfortunate that these girls are not receptive to your daughter, you are blessed with a child who seems to have a firm sense of self and a thick skin.

Is there any reason other than proximity that you would *want* her to be friends with these girls? I mean, if they lived a mile away would you still be pursuing this? If not, I'd let it go. You may just live near unpleasant children or children with whom your daughter simply does not click. If she isn't bothered by it, try (I know it is hard) to follow her example.

Oh- and I'd put the bounce house and water slide up in the *back* yard when your girl has other friends over and tell the neighbor girls, if they show up, that they were not invited to this playdate. They do not get to be friends with your child's toys.

 

[jamesmommy]

Oh- and I'd put the bounce house and water slide up in the *back* yard when your girl has other friends over and tell the neighbor girls, if they show up, that they were not invited to this playdate. They do not get to be friends with your child's toys.

Great Idea!