lynxstch
I Love Figment
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2001
- Messages
- 13,280
You said everything more than perfectly, thank you for taking the time to do so.This just came to me. She was having some health issues and I lost track of what it all was. How is all that going?
Do you think she's struggling with an attention issue? You were his wife, not her mother at the time of his death. She was free to drop by and see you guys. Now she has to deal with all of it in a different way. Perhaps she has some misplaced resentment that she feels uncomfortable about, as she darn well knows that you did your best to take care of Don during the last 20 plus years, as well as both of you catering to her missteps and trying to help her with her family and health issues. While he was there, it was easier for her to lean on both of you for mental support. Now, you need closure and she no longer has what she had, a connection to you through Don, plus full attention.
I can remember 'growing up' when each of my parents passed on. For my father I was married and had our family, but I still felt the loss. I was 29 then. Later when my mother passed I was slightly over 40. So long as you have a parent you somehow can feel someone is there for you. I know she still has her mother, but often the death of a parent makes us face our own mortality, and maybe grow up a bit.
I guess I'm seeing you trying to make peace with your loss of Don and trying to keep your world together (and you are doing a great job, as seen in thinking forward to a future possible Disney visit). Summer has a world of drama of her own, and it's probably more than you want to be involved in right now at this minute as you move yourself forward.
The thing is, time is needed to let things settle into the best outcome, where you can honor Don by staying connected to his family, yet keep some arm's length where it doesn't take over your life. I hope it all works out for both of you.
I don't really know how her health issues are going. She seems to have stopped talking about them. She's having a hysterectomy in the middle of Jan, but that's the only thing she's mentioned recently.
To be honest, not one of the 3 of them have ever thought of me, or introduced me to anyone as their stepmother. It was always "Dad's wife". And they have always been free to drop in, and still are. She promised Don that she would be here for me, even though I knew it wouldn't happen. She barely took the time to come and see him, and never made an effort to bring the kids. The only time she did recently was when Gracie went to the dances, and I don't know why that was different.
The resentment attitude is spot on. She resented me, because Don used to pay for everything for her. She was engaged (wedding fell through) and pregnant when I moved her. Daddy would pay her rent, her car insurance, everything. When I moved here and we got engaged, he stopped doing most of that. I never asked him to or said a word about it. He decided that she had made her choices, she was an adult, and she had to start being more responsible for herself and her son. But I got the blame for it. The 3 of them felt like I took him away from them, which is the farthest thing from the truth. It took Ben and Luke a long time to accept me, and it wasn't until Don literally and physically died and was brought back twice in 2016, and I was the one who took care of him, that they finally accepted me.
Summer seemed to accept me more then too, but still kept me at arms length, unless she was here when visiting Don. Then she made more of an effort. Summer is known for showing emotion or acting a certain way when other people are watching, as evidenced by her being a drama queen the day Don passed away. I love all 3 of them, and treat them all equally, but since he's been gone, I just feel like I'm more alone than I was. I'll deal with it, I have no choice, but I'm also not going to put up with her crap anymore. I don't have to account to her, and I don't intend to. She can either accept me, or not, that's her choice.
I can't guess, anymore than you can. Even her mother and father could never really understand her reasoning for most things.
Very similar to you, I was in my mid 30's when my Mother passed away.. My father passed away when I was 42. While I felt the loss of both, I felt my Mother's loss more, because I hadn't seen my father often. They were divorced when I was 5, and he was an alcoholic. He never came to visit.
I do want to stay connected to all of them. I do not want to be connected to Summer's drama. But if I want to keep the grandkids in my life, I guess I have to put up with some of it. Only time will tell.
I didn't mean to get so long winded, but your kind post made me just start writing. Thank you again.