PURE PICKLE - In-Laws Going Same Time (My "Secret" Trip)

[MakiraMarlena]

If you tell them they will be offended, if you don't tell them they will be offended, and you are both declining to stand up for yourselves and notify them that you intended a trip as a couple....You've now effectively removed all options but 1) don't tell them and hope you don't run into them and they don't find out about it later on, or 2) reschedule the trip. Unless you want to go ahead and offend them. If they will make things that miserable for you, I'd eat the money and reschedule the trip for a time when you know they will NOT be in the area.

 

[Alesia]

And some of the people posting in here should thank their lucky stars that they don't have to deal with emotional blackmailers. It's a tough thing to navigate, especially when it's your parents or ILs who are master manipulators. And as some of you are demonstrating, people who haven't BTDT don't understand and have very little sympathy. It sucks, so no need to pile on someone who lives with it everyday.

I come from a long line of emotional blackmailers and master manipulators. There is only one way to deal with them: by being clear and direct about your boundaries. You have complete control over how people treat you.

Standing up for yourself may not be easy at first, but it's a whole hell of a lot easier than walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.

 

[Jazzerfan]

Based on the described family dynamics, I'd not tell them and hope for the best. Have a backup plan if you do run into them.

FWIW, I have two friends who are both at Disney right now and were both posting pictures from DHS on Facebook yesterday. They even tried to hook up with each other and kept missing each other. It was pretty comical to watch on Facebook, actually. Another friend is heading to Disney Friday and is staying at the BC, while one of my other friends (who was at DHS yesterday) is at the YC. They tried to coordinate schedules and it just didn't work out, so now they're hoping to run into each other at the pool at least. So running into them isn't a given at all.


And some of the people posting in here should thank their lucky stars that they don't have to deal with emotional blackmailers. It's a tough thing to navigate, especially when it's your parents or ILs who are master manipulators. And as some of you are demonstrating, people who haven't BTDT don't understand and have very little sympathy. It sucks, so no need to pile on someone who lives with it everyday.

Thanks for commenting here....it is a strange family dynamic and again, I'm sure there are others on the board who have dealt with parents and/or inlaws regardless of what age and how long you have been married. It's sometime just the nature of the beast when it comes to family.

 

[luvsJack]

There are simply going to be fewer hurt feelings if you tell them now than if you tell them later. It sounds to me like its more about you and your dh not wanting to hurt their feelings than whether they will seriously be upset.

Just tell them and tell them you have a lovely couple's vacation planned. Honestly, you don't have to go into details. Like I said, you don't even have to be clear that you are going to be in WDW, but they should know that you are in Orlando and there is that slight chance you will see each other. If planning to get together for dinner is a bad idea, then don't. Just let them know you will be there the same time they are and let it go at that. If they start trying to plan a get-together, just say "oh, we have planned so much for just the two of us. Maybe we can get together for dinner sometime after our trips"

My sister and her family were there one Thanksgiving at the same time we were. We didn't even know they were going. I guess we had all just been busy and I was planning our trip and we just honestly didn't mention it. One night in Tomorrowland I noticed this really familiar looking family! Yep, it was Dniece, her husband and one of her kids! The next day we were in AK and almost walked right past my sister, bil and two of her grandkids. If bil hadn't been a little more observant we would have walked right past! My point is, its not really that unlikely that you will run into each other. Even if she tells you what parks she is doing on certain days, how will you know they don't change their minds?

I mean the only other solution would be to go to Universal! I really think telling them is the best option here.

 

[Belle61513]

Wow, that's crazy timing!

Last year, my SIL and her DH were in Disney while our crazy cousin ended up there at the same time. SIL/her DH don't use Facebook or anything so they just kept quiet online and never ran into crazy cousin...luckily there are just SO MANY PEOPLE there, so your chances of actually running into them are slim to none.

That said, will you just go on never mentioning your trip? That's unlikely, right?

Oy, this is a tough one.

 

[disnut8]

Thanks for commenting here....it is a strange family dynamic and again, I'm sure there are others on the board who have dealt with parents and/or inlaws regardless of what age and how long you have been married. It's sometime just the nature of the beast when it comes to family.

Exactly. It is YOUR family - yours and your husband's. No one elses'. If my stepmother was going to be at Disney World, I'd want to meet up with her since I would know it would be a quick thing. If my sister was going, I'd say no for various reasons. If my niece was going to be there, I'd want to go around World Showcase with her. If my other niece and her boyfriend were going to be there, I'd definitely want to meet up. If my sister-in-law was going to be there, my husband and I would run the other way (and he agrees). That's MY family. The OP knows her own family and how to deal with this situation now that she has received a lot of advice.

 

[Cyrano]

Folks as the discussion has fairly quickly evolved into family relationship management the thread is being moved to community board

 

[sharona]

If telling them you're going but want to be alone will not get the result you want, from them or your DH, I would change my plans and go somewhere else. There are so many wonderful, romantic places you can go for a long weekend...

 

[alvernon90]

If telling them you're going but want to be alone will not get the result you want, from them or your DH, I would change my plans and go somewhere else.

I think it would be crazy to alter plans like this to avoid hypothetically hurting the feelings of elderly parents. If telling your parents you want to be alone does not make them leave you alone, call the police! They are stalking you if that happens! They have no right to control where you will be on this planet on any given day.

To respond to some other comments, in my experience the parents that engage in "emotional blackmail" tend to back that up with financial blackmail. Grown, middle-aged adults who are too afraid to tell their own parents they want a weekend alone are generally afraid that said parents will withdraw some kind of financial incentives (stop paying for vacations, decline to contribute to grandchild college fund, cut out of will, etc). I'm not saying this is the situation with OP, but generally speaking parents do not exercise this kind of control over grown adults unless the parents have some other independent source of power.

Think about it this way: your mother walks into the room and says that she wants to chat about something she heard Kelly Ripa say, but that that particular moment you are in the middle of having sex with your spouse. Would you be too afraid to insist that you and your spouse be given a little alone time, and you will see her later when it is more convenient? If you have the guts to say your mother shouldn't be in the room while you are having sex, no matter how much it will hurt her feelings, you should have the guts to say that you want to be alone on a WDW getaway.

 

[Lm021583]

We had a similar situation with my in laws on our last trip. Although we had our children with us, it was not in our original plan for them to be down there at the same time as us. My husband spoke with them before the trip to say they should have little expectation of us spending much time with them while we were down and they understood this going into the trip. As you explain, the chances of us running into them were slim to none. However, 45 minutes into our first park day, who did we run into? You guessed it! The in-laws. Thank goodness we had been up front with them from the beginning. They understood our plans and expectations and everything worked out. I do have to say FP+ definitely worked to our benefit here because a reservation was an easy out for us to get going on our way. Hope it all works out! Have a great trip!

 

[sharona]

I think it would be crazy to alter plans like this to avoid hypothetically hurting the feelings of elderly parents. If telling your parents you want to be alone does not make them leave you alone, call the police! They are stalking you if that happens! They have no right to control where you will be on this planet on any given day.

To respond to some other comments, in my experience the parents that engage in "emotional blackmail" tend to back that up with financial blackmail. Grown, middle-aged adults who are too afraid to tell their own parents they want a weekend alone are generally afraid that said parents will withdraw some kind of financial incentives (stop paying for vacations, decline to contribute to grandchild college fund, cut out of will, etc). I'm not saying this is the situation with OP, but generally speaking parents do not exercise this kind of control over grown adults unless the parents have some other independent source of power.

Think about it this way: your mother walks into the room and says that she wants to chat about something she heard Kelly Ripa say, but that that particular moment you are in the middle of having sex with your spouse. Would you be too afraid to insist that you and your spouse be given a little alone time, and you will see her later when it is more convenient? If you have the guts to say your mother shouldn't be in the room while you are having sex, no matter how much it will hurt her feelings, you should have the guts to say that you want to be alone on a WDW getaway.

OP said "...they would (I know it) attach themselves to us for the rest of the trip even if we tell them we want to be alone." and "...I know my DH will not hurt their feelings and just go with it regardless of how I feel and I'm your typical "YES" person so no such luck with me standing up to them. "

There is no way that the trip would remain a secret from them forever. OP might get away with it for the trip but it will eventually come out and that would cause even more hurt feelings. So if OP can't tell them they will be there but don't want to see them and can't see them for one meal without it turning into the rest of the trip and will end up in the dog house if they try to hide the trip, what solution does that leave? Go somewhere else.

 

[alvernon90]

So if OP can't tell them they will be there but don't want to see them and can't see them for one meal without it turning into the rest of the trip and will end up in the dog house if they try to hide the trip, what solution does that leave? Go somewhere else.

Well, the solution I would choose is live in the dog house. Every other option is a version of cowering, and there is no reason for adults to cower from their own parents, not even if those parents have some kind of leverage.

I guess my problem is lack of empathy. It just strikes me as weird that OP frames the situation as something that is happening to her, when in fact it is a situation that is entirely within her (and her husband's) control and could be entirely solved by them. All they have to do is change their minds and take a stand -- a very small one at that. When the only person you are brave enough to say "no" to is yourself, you kinda deserve the consequences.

 

[yeheyprincex2]

"Wow, what a coincidence, DH and I were planning on celebrating our anniversary at Disney that weekend. We are keeping it a secret because we are really looking forward to a romantic getaway and spending some quality time just the 2 of us. Maybe we can grab breakfast one of the mornings we're there"

Done and done. No sneaking around, but you've set the boundary. One breakfast won't kill the mood of your trip, if they even agree to it. If you make it clear that this is for your anniversary, they may take the hint and stay away

Honestly, I'm spoiled with my in laws so I realize it may not actually be that easy for you, but this is what I would do.

say it just like its written by OZMom. worrying about running into them will be unpleasant.

 

[HappyDaisy]

And some of the people posting in here should thank their lucky stars that they don't have to deal with emotional blackmailers. It's a tough thing to navigate, especially when it's your parents or ILs who are master manipulators. And as some of you are demonstrating, people who haven't BTDT don't understand and have very little sympathy. It sucks, so no need to pile on someone who lives with it everyday.

LOL! You obviously never met my family or my in-laws! Luckily, I was able to eventually stand up to them. DH, on the other hand, never did. I'm still resentful about that, but he has other great qualities (we've been married 40 years). My advice to the OP comes from experience. Not telling them is just playing their game. It's time to stop. Let them know they are grown people with the right to go away on a couples vacation without mommy and daddy tagging along. If the in-laws don't like it, then they'll have to deal and figure out how to get over it. I stand by my advice. Tell them.

I'm adding the following, not because I believe in any way that the OP is anything like my daughter in law. She couldn't possibly be as my DIL is a one of a kind. Manipulative doesn't begin to describe her. Believe it or not, I'm a pretty good mother in law. I don't mind their business, I don't expect anything. I'm not overbearing. Both of my kids are grown adults with lives of their own. But my DIL has it in her head that all mothers in law are evil witches. Hence, I'm an evil witch. She barely knows me, but would be one to jump to the conclusion that I would be upset, even though that is the farthest thing from the truth. I'd be happy for them and understand they wanted alone time. I'd probably volunteer to take the grandkids for the time they'd be gone!

That's probably why I have such a strong reaction. OP, give the in-laws a chance. They may surprise you.

 

[blackpearl77]

Better to just tell them now - otherwise you'll be a paranoid wreck the whole vacation worrying that you might be spotted by them!

 

[Karin1984]

As this thread was bumped, I was typing my 2 cents, when I saw your trip was May 1 - 5. How did it go?