Punishment too harsh? UPDATE #81

[punkin]

If not punishment, what would you suggest?

At this point, nothing. You told him what the consequences would be and he disregarded. You have to stick to your guns at this point.

Before you made the threat, I would have had him tutored and I would have monitored his assignments on a daily basis. I would not have allowed him to fail. I would not have let him do anything until his work was done or until the tests were studied for.

 

[sweet angel]

At this point, nothing. You told him what the consequences would be and he disregarded. You have to stick to your guns at this point.

Before you made the threat, I would have had him tutored and I would have monitored his assignments on a daily basis. I would not have allowed him to fail. I would not have let him do anything until his work was done or until the tests were studied for.

I have gone the route of the homework assignment pad, which was "forgotten" at school, "teacher was absent", "lost it". This has been an on-going problem. Perhaps if I was a SAHM, I would have had more options (i.e., picking him up from school, going class to class to get homework, standing over him to be sure it's done, watching him study), but being that I work full-time, I'm somewhat limited -- perhaps that's a cop-out, but it is what it is.

It's a bit difficult to monitor assignments that never make it home, not to mention to study for tests that you don't know the child has or he simply doesn't bring his books home.

Tutoring is not the issue -- he doesn't NEED tutoring, he needs focus. Besides that, they base the school tutoring on NEED (he doesn't) and private tutoring is costly.

Again, this is an ONGOING problem -- one for which I have just about exhausted all option and now opt for tough love.

I didn't let him fail -- HE let himself fail. At almost 15 years old, am I expected to wipe his butt for him forever -- when should HE be made to take responsibility for his actions?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understand your dilemma of the 14yo slacker, my dd was once a slacker. Been there, done that. However I know the deal now. Before school starts we SPELL things out to the last detail.
We also provide help as needed. I am in process of getting my 14yodd a Math tutor for algebra.

Were your expectations clear? If you are going to take away a "kid's life" for a quarter you better spell it out in black and white, have them sign it and then each of you are held to your agreement. Be specific. It does motivate them, honestly.

Here is how I would your navigate your issues.....

I would work this backwards. If he wants you to "let up" then he has to "give something back"...
Ex...wants to go to a dance? He has to get a certain grade on a test, quiz, etc....
Have him make up a syllabus for each class, include all work, tests, etc. with the correct dates.
Grab a calendar, pour some coffee and go into negotiations...

This will help your son get himself organized and it will get you involved. It is also have you see if he is truely struggling & needs tutoring. Is there free tutoring? He should be going.
Trust me, if you do this you will teach him many skills to get through the rest of school!

I would also go to a conference with the teachers he got F's in ASAP!! Good Luck!

DD's grades are online...thank GOD! We can email teachers any time we need to...such a blessing.
You are going to have to do it the old fashion way.

 

[golfgal]

At this point, nothing. You told him what the consequences would be and he disregarded. You have to stick to your guns at this point.

Before you made the threat, I would have had him tutored and I would have monitored his assignments on a daily basis. I would not have allowed him to fail. I would not have let him do anything until his work was done or until the tests were studied for.

Her son is just like mine, he doesn't need tutoring, he is MORE then capable of getting straight A's, he is just LAZY. Sometimes kids need to just fail until things sink into their brains that school is important and they need to do the work. By 8th grade you shouldn't have to babysit them to get their work done and handed in. My son isn't allowed to do ANYTHING and he still doesn't turn in homework, that is done and in his folder, just forgets. You can't do everything for them, sooner or later you have to let them fall.

 

[Sandy V.]

Before you made the threat, I would have had him tutored and I would have monitored his assignments on a daily basis. I would not have allowed him to fail. I would not have let him do anything until his work was done or until the tests were studied for.

I respectfully disagree. From the OP's original post, her son was clearly bright enough to do the work. There was no learning disability. He didn't need tutoring. And tutors are often very expensive. He was L-A-Z-Y. He needed to get off his unmotivated behind (with no offense to the OP or her son) and actually DO his homework, study for tests, etc.

Plus, although I'm no parenting expert, I do have 2 teenagers, and I believe that while you can certainly help your kids to succeed, the child must be the one to actually APPLY THEMSELVES. You can talk until you're blue in the face about "not allowing them to fail" and standing over them until the work is done, but how on earth do you make a kid do well on a test or his homework unless he WANTS to? From where I sit, you create motivation by dealing in a teenagers' "currency".

By age 14, they are old enough to learn lessons about expectations and consequences. Their tvs, cell phones, computers, driving privileges, etc. are the "currency" they understand, and it is well within a parent's right to take that away when the child fails to apply themself.

The kid was given enough rope, and he "hanged himself" with it. He has no one to blame but himself.

OP - You're doing the right thing. Cheers to you!!

 

[JennyMominRI]

They don't get interim reports, per se. They get progress reports sent home, but it's only a matter of "satisfactory", "unsatisfactory", "needs improvement", "effort in accordance with ability" -- no grades. I could probably contact his teachers and ask them to provide me with a grade midway through.

I like the idea of incentive, however, I can foresee that it would backfire in that he'd think he "won" and slack off again. You can drop from a C to a D in a heartbeat....

My DD is in the same boat in the same grade..She is bringing me home a piece of paper every week with a note from each teacher telling me how she is doing. If she does well she has all privilages that week,if not,they are all gone..She is doing dramatically better 3 weeks into the new quarter

 

[mommaU4]

I have no words of advice just sympathy. I think kids are bound and determined to make us old and nuts before out time.

But, I have a solution.

A mom's only trip to WDW!! Seriously, a vacation just for moms. No kids, no hubbys. For 5 days. We'll go in the fall. The dads can take over for a few days and the kids will be in school most of the time anyways. We can eat, drink, shop, have fun and be silly. Ah, tell me that doesn't sound good. So, who's with me?

 

[sweet angel]

I have no words of advice just sympathy. I think kids are bound and determined to make us old and nuts before out time.

But, I have a solution.

A mom's only trip to WDW!! Seriously, a vacation just for moms. No kids, no hubbys. For 5 days. We'll go in the fall. The dads can take over for a few days and the kids will be in school most of the time anyways. We can eat, drink, shop, have fun and be silly. Ah, tell me that doesn't sound good. So, who's with me?

I like the way you think.

 

[Sandy V.]

I have no words of advice just sympathy. I think kids are bound and determined to make us old and nuts before out time.

But, I have a solution.

A mom's only trip to WDW!! Seriously, a vacation just for moms. No kids, no hubbys. For 5 days. We'll go in the fall. The dads can take over for a few days and the kids will be in school most of the time anyways. We can eat, drink, shop, have fun and be silly. Ah, tell me that doesn't sound good. So, who's with me?

Count me in . . .

I'm also a strong believer in the "Mother's curse". I've told both my kids, "Someday, I want you to have a child that's JUST-LIKE-YOU". Poetic justice, isn't it?

 

[punkin]

Look, I'm not attacking what you did. In fact, I completely support you.

My problem is that punishments don't seem to work for me. My DD13 (8th grade) does not care about any punishment. The only way I've been able to get her to do anything is constant prodding; checking homework on the schools electronic bulitin board daily; emailing her teachers; involving her guidance counselor.

She's in two honors classes this year, and is doing best in those classes. The easier classes, she just doesn't care. I don't think she's lazy, I think she is just not interested. Anyway, I don't want to highjack your thread. I just wanted to say I understand.

 

[mickeyfan2]

To touch, heck no. 3Ds and 2Fs is horrible. Do you work? Maybe you could start going to class with him (I know somebody who did this) and the kid straighten out in a week.

 

[EthansMom]

Maybe you could start going to class with him (I know somebody who did this) and the kid straighten out in a week.

That's too funny because that's exactly what I would do! If I had a 14 year-old son who wasn't working to his potential at school, I would be trailing him all day long until he straightened out. There's nothing like having Mom follow you to school to change your mind about paying attention and doing your schoolwork.

 

[sweet angel]

I do work -- full time -- and I did say earlier that if I was a SAHM things could be different as far as how I could hound him.

Our school does not post grades on an e-bulletin board. I frankly don't have time at work to call 7 teachers on a daily basis, and don't trust him to bring home notes.

I don't honestly know if this punishment will make a difference, but nothing else seems to have worked, so it's worth a shot. Heck, if he keeps up with the nasty attitude and the "it's not my fault" crap, I may kill him before the marking period is over. JUST KIDDING!!!!

 

[Caradana]

Stepping back for a minute and saying,
3 Ds and 2 Fs is beyond lazy. 3 Ds and 2 Fs is panic time for mom. There is a serious failure to thrive issue here. This kid is in huge danger of flunking out or dropping out of school at 16. It is time for a mass intervention. I'd be in the principal's office TOMORROW. I'd be involving guidance counselors and the child study team. I'd be researching alternative schools and boarding schools online. I'd be looking into some kind of vocational option for high school. It's well beyond punishment - it's time to look into options for how you can help this kid turn the whole boat around.

 

[Iggipolka]

I'm wondering if you son is suffering from Depression or a Learning Disability. It sounds as though he is smart, but something is getting in the way of him doing his work. Often depression or learning disabilities look like someone is lazy, when in actuality there are deeper issues going on.

just a thought.

 

[KAMLEM]

Count me in . . .

I'm also a strong believer in the "Mother's curse". I've told both my kids, "Someday, I want you to have a child that's JUST-LIKE-YOU". Poetic justice, isn't it?

I always tell my girls "I hope you each have kids that fight like the two of you"! Want to know the worst part? That's exactly what my mother used to say to my sister and I and apparently her wish came true!

 

[RitaZ.]

I respectfully disagree. From the OP's original post, her son was clearly bright enough to do the work. There was no learning disability. He didn't need tutoring. And tutors are often very expensive. He was L-A-Z-Y. He needed to get off his unmotivated behind (with no offense to the OP or her son) and actually DO his homework, study for tests, etc.

Plus, although I'm no parenting expert, I do have 2 teenagers, and I believe that while you can certainly help your kids to succeed, the child must be the one to actually APPLY THEMSELVES. You can talk until you're blue in the face about "not allowing them to fail" and standing over them until the work is done, but how on earth do you make a kid do well on a test or his homework unless he WANTS to? From where I sit, you create motivation by dealing in a teenagers' "currency".

By age 14, they are old enough to learn lessons about expectations and consequences. Their tvs, cell phones, computers, driving privileges, etc. are the "currency" they understand, and it is well within a parent's right to take that away when the child fails to apply themself.

The kid was given enough rope, and he "hanged himself" with it. He has no one to blame but himself.

OP - You're doing the right thing. Cheers to you!!

ITA!

I have a lazy 8th grader this year... His grades began to slip shortly after the 2nd marking period began. Yes, there were warnings, opportunities to earn back the lost privileges, praise when he earned it, etc. When he brought home his 2nd marking period report card... Let's put it this way, it was a very good thing that DH decided to work from home that day! DS brought home two F's.

We were beyond disappointed with DS, but I didn't yell, for a change. We sat down with him and had a "get real" conversation with him. I searched our school district's web site for the promotion criteria for 8th grade, DS read it. I told him that he had two choices: get his act together now and improve on those bad grades (no more getting by) or he gets to do it ALL OVER again next year. DH told DS that he limits his opportunities when he performs so poorly, not only right now, but, most importantly, in the future. DH explained the hiring process, resumes and what he looks for when hiring an engineer. The interns that DH hires during the summer had their act together in high school and now in college, they get noticed by potential employers for their motivation and work ethic. This isn't the kind of discipline that is learned overnight, it takes years and comes from within. Kids that "get by" don't even stand a chance. When we first started the conversation, DS was argumentative, but towards the end, he just listened.

So, DS's computer privileges have been removed until the next marking period. He wasn't happy about it, but he was given plenty of warning. The only opportunity for DS to earn that privilege back is for us to see marked improvement in his grades and he's going to have to work to get there. In the past, we have allowed him to earn a privilege as he began to show signs of improvement, but, then he would begin to slip when the privilege was restored. We're tired of that rollercoaster, he is going to have to consistently work over the next 6 weeks. We are here to help him and he has access to anything that he might need to complete an assignment, homework or project. We are doing our part, he has to do his.

So far, it appears to be working. I don't know if it was the conversation we had with him or the loss of computer privilege for so long. He is doing his homework without us even having to remind him. This is a huge improvement for DS. We are also scheduled for another conference with his teachers.

Good luck to the OP, you're not alone. There are many parents that are going through similar problems, some just don't like to talk about it. Just keep pushing forward and stand firm.

 

[Tjaleks]

I am already dealing this type of behavior from my oldest and he is only 10. It is easier since he only has one teacher to contact to stay on top of this. I don't think your punishment is to harsh. I have done the same thing and takien many things away from my son. I seems to help for a while and then he slides right back into his lazt butt behavior.

As for the mom's only vacation. I'm in.

 

[Mickeycrazy]

Perhaps you can schedule a meeting with him, his teacher, and you. At that meeting set some sort of benchmark for improvement that if he attains he can then be rewarded. That doesn't give in, yet allows him a ray of hope.

 

[trip]

They don't get interim reports, per se. They get progress reports sent home, but it's only a matter of "satisfactory", "unsatisfactory", "needs improvement", "effort in accordance with ability" -- no grades. I could probably contact his teachers and ask them to provide me with a grade midway through.

I like the idea of incentive, however, I can foresee that it would backfire in that he'd think he "won" and slack off again. You can drop from a C to a D in a heartbeat....

Suggestion.... contact his counselor and each teacher to set up a meeting - include your son. Have the teachers email his weekly progress - include homework assignments and tests. If they "forget" email them nightly until they respond.
The old "it takes a village" method.
good luck