Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[MIGrandma]

My daughter and her family live about a quarter mile down the road. She has a 4-year-old son, and a 10-month-old daughter. I babysit fairly often, rarely tell her no, I can't.

She needs a babysitter for the 27th (day after Thanksgiving), and Nov. 1st and 2nd and asked if I could watch them one of those days (she asked via Facebook, we talk back and forth a lot on that).

I sent her a message back and told her I didn't want to commit to the 27th, as our son is a truck-driver and will be home that weekend for Thanksgiving. He stays here with us (let his rental house go, why pay rent when he's not there most of the time?) and he has his kids (2 from 1st marriage, ages 16 and 13, and his 4-year-old son from a different relationship) when he's home too. I told my DD that her brother would be here, and would probably have his kids here. He might want to take the two oldest ones out hunting, so they would probably be in and out all day. And I would probably be watching his youngest son. I really don't want three little ones for the afternoon/evening that day. When the two little boys get together they are pretty rambunctious. It doesn't bother me when their parents are here to watch them. But to watch them myself and the 10-month-old as well, I would lose my sanity for sure.

So I told her no for the 27th, but I would be happy to have them on the 1st or 2nd, or both if she needed me.

She got quite upset with me, and said she feels like I won't help her out because I have to be available in case my son needs me to babysit.

I answered her and tried to explain that having the 3 little ones would just drive me NUTS, and I would need to be cooking lunch and dinner for my son and his kids and since my house is not "baby proofed" like hers is I would have to be watching the youngest very carefully and it would just be too difficult. If DH could be in the house, to help me, I would not have told her no. But he will still be in corn harvest.

But she just doesn't seem to understand. It bothers me that she's upset with me, but I really don't know what I can do. WWYD?

 

[kirbydog48]

It's okay to say no. It sounds like she expects you to always be available to babysit; she maybe takes for granted how lucky she is to have her Mom so close by. It doesn't work out for you on the 27th. You told her no. It's okay. She needs to get over it IMO.

 

[Angelhalo]

It's okay to say no. It sounds like she expects you to always be available to babysit; she maybe takes for granted how lucky she is to have her Mom so close by. It doesn't work out for you on the 27th. You told her no. It's okay. She needs to get over it IMO.

Agreed.

 

[tnmt]

It sounds like she really wanted you to watch them all 3 days instead of just 1 since she got mad that you could only watch them the other 2 days. I would try not to let it bother me much, but I know how us moms feel about things like this. She will get over because she needs you for the other 2 days and future days. You can only do the best you can do. Chin up!

 

[tnmt]

Also, your available when she needs you so why not be available if your son needs you. Sounds like she is jealous of her brother. Does your son help with household expenses? If not, maybe that is the real issue.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I guess I can understand why she's upset. She asked you first. You are saying no to her because your son *might* need you.

If your son asks then tell him no so you don't have too many kids. Your son can go hunting on another day or his 4 year old can stay with his mother.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree with the others, though I kind of see your DD's point.

I don't know why she needs a sitter--but if she had to work and you are not able to watch in the off chance your son my take 2 of his 3 children hunting and the plans are not set, I might be a little upset as well.

I wouldn't worry about saying no--but I wouldn't cast off her feelings b/c of how your response may have come across.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I understand how you feel but I can also see her side of it too. You said that normally you help her out and now you can't because you have to be available in case your other son needs you to babysit. Almost like you have to drop everything because this child is in town. I totally get that you are just trying to make everyone happy but that is probably her side of it.

 

[wdwfan16]

You said MY daughter and OUR son. Are they from different fathers? If so, then maybe she feels like a second class citizen to her half brother and his kids.

You DD is right in that you are keeping your data open so you can babysit the son's youngest since he might want to hunt.

Why can't your son stay home with his kids and then you can help your DD out. No reason to do all that cooking either. Have your son order in pizza.

 

[georgina]

It sounds like she is used to you being available because you are so close and do it often. The day after Thanksgiving many college and high school age kids are free, can she hire someone else?

 

[Sandy321]

Family dynamics - so hard!

My mom treats my brother and me differently - it used to bother me - but I grew up - get over it... we're different, we have different needs. Bottom line my mom is there when we need it... IF we "want" it - then it gets murky -

for instance what if your dd child ended up in the hospital on the 27th? Would you be there? of course -

Its hard to explain family dynamics - I totally see that you are doing nothing wrong from your point of view - someone you dont see very often on a schedule you cant control vs someone who lives down the road and you have a facebook relationship in addition to a real live relationship -

Talk to her - let her know you do love her, and you did not intend to hurt her in any way - that you want to keep the lines of communication open - its all about love and communication -

Good Luck

 

[tnmt]

Okay, I change my mind. If she wants to be that way then tell her yes you will babysit on 27th but not the other 2 days. I bet she gets mad then because you won't do it the other 2 days. See what excuse she comes up with about why she is mad then. She really wants you to watch them all 3 days. Really, I wouldn't watch her kids every time she asks then she can't think she can depend on you for every single thing or she is going to get mad every time you say no, if you ever do.

Being a parent is the hardest job that I know. I have 2 kids and it gets sticky sometimes.

 

[Heidict]

Sounds like she expects you to be available when ever she wants you and because of that has no back up plan. You are not here nanny, there at her beck and call and there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling he that you can't watch her kids on the 27th.

My MIL watches our DD during the week, while we work. On occasion she isn't able to watch her. Either cause she has things she has to do or she is sick. So, we go to my DF and step-mother. They have told us no before because they already had plans or just weren't able to. I can't imagine getting angry with them for it though.

First she asked you for one of the days listed and when you said yes to 2 of them and no to 1 of them she got upset with you? Don't let her guilt you. Stick to your guns. She will just have to figure out something else, it will be good practice for those times in the future when you won't be able to watch her kids, because lets be real, you can't drop everything and be there no matter what. Heaven forbid you were sick or having surgery or something.

 

[worm761]

Here is my question: Does your DD NEED a babysitter or does she WANT a babysitter? there is a difference. If she needs a sitter on the 27th and cannot find someone else to do it, then I would watch her kids and DS can go hunt another day. And I understand the truck driver schedule. My father lives with me for the same reason your son lives with you. He drives truck, no sense in paying bills for about 3 days of use a month.

If your DD only needs you to watch the kids on one day then that day might be the 27th. She only asked you to commit to one day. Ask her which one she needs the most. Bet her answer changes.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

She'll get over it...you're not doing anything wrong.

 

[princess momma]

You lost me at the part where you'll be cooking lunch and dinner for your son and his kids.

I don't know, I think your grown son should be living on his own. He should be taking care of himself and his kids.

I guess I can relate to your daughter.

 

[MIGrandma]

Also, your available when she needs you so why not be available if your son needs you. Sounds like she is jealous of her brother. Does your son help with household expenses? If not, maybe that is the real issue.

Concerning household expenses, my son had his own house up until September 7th when he started his training. He was renting and knew he would not be home often so gave the house up. He is not married, so no wife at home. He is divorced from his first wife, and ended the relationship with his second girlfriend. So he gets his kids when he is home, which looks like it's going to be about once a month.

He said he would take them to a hotel. I told him that's nonsense. Our home is still "his" home and I told him (after discussing it with DH) that he is more than welcome to stay here when he is "home" and his kids are welcome here as well.

He was gone from September 7th until October 29th. His first visit "home" was the weekend of October 29th. He and his youngest son were here for 3 nights, the older two kids were here a couple of times during the day but had evening plans so they did not stay.

So, no, he hasn't helped with household expenses and I won't expect him to, coming "home" that seldom.

 

[MIGrandma]

You said MY daughter and OUR son. Are they from different fathers? If so, then maybe she feels like a second class citizen to her half brother and his kids.

You DD is right in that you are keeping your data open so you can babysit the son's youngest since he might want to hunt.

Why can't your son stay home with his kids and then you can help your DD out. No reason to do all that cooking either. Have your son order in pizza.

No, both my daughter and son belong to me and DH, they do not have separate fathers. I didn't think, should have clarified that.

I know our son will want to have his children here when he comes home for the weekend, but the 4-year-old is really too young to go hunting for deer. His two oldest children will want to go hunting, so their Dad will want to take them.

I have babysat for his 4-year-old twice, yes TWICE, in his entire life. I have babysat for my daughter's two children countless times. I guess I just feel that since I babysit so much for my daughter, it would be nice if I could help my son out since he asks so seldom. And I just really do not want all 3 younger ones here at once, I will have no sanity at the end of the day if I do.

As far as the cooking goes, it's something I don't mind doing. I would not expect him to order pizza for him and his kids.

 

[lattemomof3]

I think you are an absolute angel to watch them as much as you do. We get very, very little help from grandparents on either side - like maybe once a year or so, and it's always bec. we asked. I have lots of friends in town whose parents watch their kids a lot - I envy them to have extra help when they need it - or just some time to connect with their spouse. I would be tickled pink to have the 2 days you offered - and I would buy you one incredible gift just for doing it!!!! Hold your ground and don't let your dil walk all over you - she has no idea how blessed she is!

 

[happygirl]

I can see your daughter point, Is there anyway you could watch both set of grandkids