Problem with girl and my 15yo son (Long)

[Mkgaapril]

As I was washing my 15yo DS's pants last night, I found several notes, unsigned, from a girl with very vulgar and suggestive ideas. She mentioned all these fantasies she would like to carry out with him (69, handcuffs, showers). She did write her phone number on the note.

I asked my son about the notes, and he was very nonchalant and said it was from a Junior girl in his study hall--she was always giving him these notes. He said he didn't know her name and was not the least bit interested in her, nor was he bothered by the notes. Still, he is a 15 year old with hormones and curiosity. My dh was mortified that a girl would write these kinds of things, but was otherwise nonplussed about the whole thing.

I figure I have a few options:

1. Let it go--it's OK that girls write these things--it gives my son some 'street cred' that a junior girl is interested in him that way.

2. Call the girl (remember she put her number on the note) and tell her how much I enjoyed the notes she wrote my son. Tell her to cease and desist or I will report her to school authorities for sexual harassment and let her parents see the sweet notes.

3. Notify school authorities about the sexual harassment. (The study hall teacher is my son's football coach, so if he is testosterone driven, he may not see this as a big deal--what guy wouldn't want to be propositioned--also my son would be embarassed in front of his coach)

4. Have my son handle it--have him tell the girl the notes must stop or he would report it. (I would save the note with the phone number, and threaten to call the girl myself if he didn't talk to her and I found any more notes--I know this would mean he may hide the notes--but if you know my son, he is terrible about covering his tracks, so I know I would eventually find the notes again)

What would you do?

problem is that its a double standard and if you go to school over this he will do doubt be in for the ride of his life....If indeed nothing happened i think i would really take some time to think this over...i would have to question"has my son done any letter writing to encourage this?", if he has will he be into as much trouble....

Once that ball starts rolling be ready...

I think if it was just a letter and nothing else happened i would find out from my son if he is bothered by this...you don't want to dismiss his feelings..if he is i would act on it....

sleep on it and talk it over..

good luck with this one

 

[salmoneous]

In the words of Jed Clampett - it's time to have a looong talk with that boy.

Ignore the girl - there's a lot of them out there. All you can do is raise your boy right and hope for the best.

 

[Noel&Cleo]

Just curious, if this had been a boy giving notes to a girl would the answers still all be the same?

 

[HunnyPots]

As the mom of a 17 year old son I'd also say let him handle it but not without some SERIOUS talks about inappropriate behavior, your family's values, and consequences of actions. I think it's also probably safe to say that even though he denies it, he's enjoying the notes if for nothing more than bragging rights. He is a hormonal teenage boy and they tend to act without thinking, as you most likely already know. One word of caution; I don't know how your school handles these things but if one of those notes was intercepted by a teacher at my son's school there would be serious consequences. Even the appearnace of sexual harrassment is taken very seriously and the girl would most likely be suspended.

 

[Jack-Jack]

This doesn't strike me as sexual harassment. It's not the teacher, right?

 

[TEENEE]

My son was given nasty notes from a girl he was dating. They were freshmen at the time, I wanted to give the little tramp a piece of my mind but I didn't. In the notes she wrote she said things like, "why don't you rape me after school and prove to me you're not prude". Needless to say I had fire in my eyes when I read that. I knew that saying anything to her or my son would only make matters worse. When I calmed down I realized that she was asking for something that my son was not dishing out which made me realize that he had been listening. I liked that fact that he was a little naive. I never said anything to either one of them, I just watched things very carefully. It didn't take long and that relationship ended. To answer your question I would go with, let it go and let your son handle it.

 

[MELSMICE]

I would use the opportunity to have a long talk with your son about values, morals & the type of girls he wants to hang with. Then I would drop it.

These are the things in life that make the best teaching moments for our children.

Just a question for those that say to drop it- What if a boy was writing those same things to your daughter? Would you drop it then? I would mail them to her parents anonymously. Maybe save the kid from some heartache.

I would do the exact same thing as I just wrote above. Why should the reaction be any different just because the tables were turned?

 

[agentpleakley]

I would most likely do nothing except for having a talk w/ my son about STD's, etc. But, I think it would be pretty funny to

2. Call the girl (remember she put her number on the note) and tell her how much I enjoyed the notes she wrote my son.

 

[tmarquez]

Ok I have a stepson who came to live with us when he was 15. At 14 he had a girl writing some really unbelievable things to him as well. Well she DID follow through and became his "girlfriend". They were totally out of control and although I don't know if this is 100% true (it came from her brother) but the reason his mother sent him to live with us is because the girl had had 3 abortions and the parents were threatening legal action.

After he came to us, they were to have no contact, but they did talk on the computer. I had a keystroke logger on the computer so I was able to print off the conversation they had where she said he better find a way to come back or else she would say that he raped her. After disassembling the computer and a year of heck with this kid...we finally got it all to stop.

Talk to your son. That's my advice. Teenage boys don't think. I have a DD myself, but alot of these teen (and younger) girls are bad news...I don't know what's happening with these kids.

 

[disykat]

Wow - I would do something totally different than anyone else here. I'd put them in an envelope and hand them to a school counselor. I would be prepared for the fact that my child could end up in trouble if he was involved - and it would serve him right.

The consequence of writing those kind of notes is that you could be in real trouble if they get into the wrong hands. I'm sorry, as a mom, my hands are the wrong hands for those to end up in.

I could not live with myself if I didn't try to get some help for that girl. She is screaming for help IMO.

I have a 15 year old. I know his teachers and his counselor since I teach part time in his district. Lame parent or not, I couldn't ignore something that inappropriate.

 

[Royalbear]

Thanks for your responses. I will admit that I really wanted to call the girl just to embarass her, but my son said that it would really embarass him, so I restrained myself. We did have a talk about my expectations about how he is to treat a girl, even girls who throw themselves at him. My lie detector works very well with this kid, so I am pretty sure he was telling the truth about not knowing the girl, however after living through the teen years with my daughter, I am not naive. My spidee senses are tingling and I will be watching him like a hawk.

 

[Master Mason]

2 boys 24 and 16. At this point, you need to let him handle it. Talk to him and trust that you have already instilled good values in him. If you haven't at this point, it's going to be a long few years ahead for you.

 

[tinkerbell1967]

Yep, I agree 100%

I agree, great idea on telling her mom found the notes!!

 

[smartestnumber5]

This doesn't strike me as sexual harassment. It's not the teacher, right?

There are two kinds of sexual harassment (from a legal standpoint): 1) quid pro quo and 2) hostile environment. In quid pro quo the harassing person has to be in power over the other (i.e. teacher/student, boss/employee, professor/advisee, etc.) and they make a promise/thread like "If you sleep with me I'll give you an A" or "Have sex with me or I'll fire you." Hostile environment sexual harassment can occur between people of the same or different levels of authority--in most cases the it occurs amongst peers (employee/employee, student/student, etc)--and involves creating a hostile environment (calling names, putting up porn, writing obscene notes, etc.) BUT, in hostile environment harassment whether it meets the legal standard for sexual harassment depends upon how the other party feels about it. Of course, workplaces and schools generally have a zero tolerance policy about these things because if they don't take action they are then liable for their inaction.

So OP in this case I think it all depends upon how your son feels about the notes (as it would if this were your daughter). Do you think he is being honest about his feeling toward the notes? If so, then I would leave it alone and perhaps use the opportunity to do some talking about safe sex and particularly about the details of how STDs are spread (i.e. not just through intercourse). If you don't think he is being honest and can get him to talk about it with you then I think you should defer to his preference of how to handle it. Even if he is feeling harassed by the notes, calling the girl's parents or talking to the teacher may not be the way he would prefer to handle it (but if it's something that is severely affecting him emotionally then you might have to step in and do what's best for him).

I think it's all really about context. If he really doesn't know this girl at all and she's giving him these notes then that's quite odd and possibly a sexual harassment kind of case. But I can certainly imagine during my or my brother's high school days (well probably more like at age 17 than at 15) people writing such notes as jokes to friends or even as semi-real sexual come-ons to someone they were already involved with.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

#1.....Your son seems to be handling it.

 

["Got Disney"]

you know your son better than anyone. If it was me I would do as you did, discuss it with my son (I have a 14 y.o) and see how he feels about it and go from there. I would also remind him of morals and values ( teens seem to forget all that due to there brains rewiring) and ask him if he feels this girl is using them along with good judgement.

If he ignores her she will go away and she will move on to someone that will pay the needed attention she is looking for. I would also remind him that if she starts writing letters that are not just inappropriate to write and starts going into things like threats that he needs to tell you and remind him that some kids will take things to far.

Keep an eye on his pockets and backpacks and such. He may throw them in there thinking you may not look there. Not to protect her but to not get you upset. No matter how we teach our teens to behave when they are on there own at school all bets are off.

and never forget...Teens are CRAZY! good luck

 

[daisyduck123]

To be honest....I would let the girl's parents know. I would want to know if my DD were doing that. Girls need to be REALLY careful nowadays....have you seen the commercial where all these girls are looking at a pic. on someone's cell phone & laughing?.....then a girl off to the side says to a friend,"Oh my gosh, I was so wasted at that party"....and the picures are of HER ??

My point is.....girls need to know that EVERYTHING they say/do/write can end up on the internet & they need to be cautious. I would bet that girl would be VERY embarrassed to know that her notes got out of the boy's hands.

**I would also tell the girl's parents that your son does not know you found the notes.

 

[Noel&Cleo]

 

[allison443]

Believe it or not kids now days joke about things like this. I know it's horrible but just listening to my son and his friends talk about things girls say has me at times but they take it with a grain of salt and honestly don't take any of it seriously at all. From what I understand the girls would never follow through on any of it anyway. It's a way of flirting and joking

Sadly this is true of many kids...definitely not all but many. Is it possible the girl is sending him these notes to tease him or as a joke, maybe with her friends involved, because they know he is not like that? He is younger than them right?

OP, your son said the girl is in his study hall and sends him these notes often but he doesn't even know her name? Really?

 

[CraftyMouse]

I don't know if I would give the notes to a school counselor at this point, but I would definitely hang on to them. I would try to let the situation go for now but if anything happened in the future I would address it with the counselor, giving him/her the notes at that time.

I would also take the opportunity to have a discussion with my son which would include the topics of appropriate behavior (hers), the importance of being responsible/protected in sexual situations and how to deal with unwanted attention from a member of the opposite sex.