Preteen Daughters: UGH!

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

So here's the deal. Right now I can hardly stand to live in the same house with my daughter. She has got that teenage "i'm so disgusted with all of you" attitude, but most of the angst and 'disgusted-ness' is with me. So I got to thinking about all of the quarrels. (what to wear in the morning, how many silly bands are too many, why she shouldn't stress over what stupid things kids say, cleaning her bathroom...) And I reminded myself to look at the BIG PICTURE. She's polite. She is learning how to cook. She is very smart and loves reading. She has MUCH compassions for people or animals who are suffering. She's funny, sometimes. Here's my 2 MAJOR concerns: 1: She NEVER stands up for herself except when she's at home. She has NO PROBLEM telling off any one of us, but when she NOT at home she lets people walk all over her. She doesn't ask a teacher for help when other kids are giving her a hard time. She doesn't let people know that her opinions and thoughts are just as valid as anyone else's when working in a group. Concern #2 Irresponsibility!! When I was her age, I was washing the dishes for a family of 7 every night, cleaned the bathroom, and watched my little brothers all the time! I could NEVER trust my daughter to do those things. Heck, she CRIED last week when I told her I was going to teach her how to do her own laundry!! Her room stays so messy, that I have held some of her items captive (that I took out of her room for being messy/cluttered/disorganized) for over a YEAR!!! She doesn't like to work AT ALL! She HATES cleaning, helping in the yard...etc. Does anyone else deal with this?? HAVE U FOUND A SOLUTION??

 

[gator75]

You just described my son. he is 13 the only difference is that he dosen't get much of an attitude with us. my son also lets people walk all over him. I think that the reason your daughter acts the way she does with you is that she is comfortable with you she knows what your reaction will be. As far as advice on how to correct it i can't give you real sound advice as i really haven't had to deal with an obstinant child, and as you said you have taken things away from her already. in this instance you may have to go for the jugular. go after what matters most to her when she acts that way.


she may in time see the light when something she worships gets taken away.

 

[Minnie824]

I'm curious how she is because my 9 yr old DD is driving me absolutely crazy lately!! Same stuff..every day she has an issue with someone or something in the house...usually her sister, or me bugging her to do stuff. But I'm bugging her trying to get her to take some responsibility for herself...if it were up to her, she'd be on the computer or with friends and worry about homework 2 min before bed. At school, she's great..great student, listens, behaves, etc. But the switch is flipped the min she's here. I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and hope someone else does have some advice!

 

[walkerag]

So I'm not the only one.. My daughter is 9. Just turned 9 in August and has the ability to make me crazy too.

 

[kimblebee]

My daughter is almost 10 and she walks around with her head in the clouds. It is frustrating but I am trying to teach her to pay attention by only telling her things one time now. If she misses out on what I tell her, she will suffer the consequences. If she doesn't hear me say she has to take out the garbage and doesn't, she loses TV for an afternoon. If she misses out on me telling her I am giving her a million dollars, her loss.

I think for your daughter what you need to do is just make her do the stuff she doesn't want to do. She knows that by crying and complaining, she will get out of doing whatever it is you want her to do.

She doesn't want to clean her room? Fine, but you lose the DS or Wii or whatever it is that she loves. If that doesn't work, it's time to start taking away privileges. Start making bedtime earlier and earlier. Only let her have 1 hour of TV or computer a day.

On the other hand, why not help her out and show her it isn't a chore to do yardwork etc, it can be fun. Personally, I don't know how to make yardwork seem fun, but hopefully you can

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

So I'm not the only one.. My daughter is 9. Just turned 9 in August and has the ability to make me crazy too.

Wow My daughter is 12 and this started last year. So I guess she's starting this 'late' lol....Anyway, I have 'standing over' her while she cleans her room, and she actually makes it a point to annoy me, like acting as if she doesn't know where things go, or playing 'dumb' as to folding laundry.....I think It's gonna take time and effort and I'll have to "OUT-Stubborn" her. I think she has 3 major things I could really use with her: 1) Star Wars (she LOVES it)
2) Silly Bands
3) Ipod
Maybe I threaten to take those, and she starts listening! Thanks for hte support, everyone.

 

[ccgirl]

My DD is 8 and used to do the same things. Luckily, she wears a uniform to school so we don't have the clothing arguments. But...we do have the irresponsibility and cleaning up arguments. She used to keep her room messy until I stopped allowing it. Now, if it is messy she spends all her time in room until it's clean (she has no electronics in her room to keep her occupied). If that means missing meals; so be it. It never gets to that point now but in the beginning it did when she was testing me if I was serious. Once, last year she didn't want to clean her room so DH said he would do it for her. He proceeded to take the big black contractor trash bag upstairs to her room and throw everything out that wasn't cleaned up. CD's, clothing, books...everything. From then on out she was pretty consistent with cleaning her room. Once in a great while she's up there for 2 hours procrastinating but eventually it gets done. Her 2nd grade teacher is huge on the whole personal accountability/responsibility thing. She let them know it is up to them to write their homework in the agenda, get it done, and packed in their folders for the next day. One day she forgot to pack it and yelled at me for not packing it. I told her it wasn't my responsibility; it was her homework not mine. She hasn't forgotten since.

 

[walkerag]

Wow My daughter is 12 and this started last year. So I guess she's starting this 'late' lol....Anyway, I have 'standing over' her while she cleans her room, and she actually makes it a point to annoy me, like acting as if she doesn't know where things go, or playing 'dumb' as to folding laundry.....I think It's gonna take time and effort and I'll have to "OUT-Stubborn" her. I think she has 3 major things I could really use with her: 1) Star Wars (she LOVES it)
2) Silly Bands
3) Ipod
Maybe I threaten to take those, and she starts listening! Thanks for hte support, everyone.

She has ADD too so it can take her hours to clean her bedroom and she's usually in tears from the frustration after about an hour
She just recently lost her Nintendo DS for her "tone" and it got extended to a month for the same reason

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I think my 12 y/o DD is living with you.

 

[Rosered]

My daughter will be 13 in a couple of weeks. She is exactly like you daugther! Your description fits her to a tee!

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

My daughter will be 13 in a couple of weeks. She is exactly like you daugther! Your description fits her to a tee!

Based on what you're all saying,: It's gotta be the hormones!! They all sound like the same kid. Well, anyone want some silly bands?? Cuz' if the room doesn't get done tonight, I'm getting rid of them.http://www.disboards.com/images/smilies/mad.gif

 

[Gigi22]

I can remember being grounded, and no T.V. for a month (those were the '60s). It worked for me. And by grounded I mean just being allowed to go to school and Sunday school, no other activities.

 

[scottishduffy]

My parents big threat at that age was no electricity. No TV, No Computer, No phone, No radio or CD player. Nada.

I remember the one time I decided to be smart as my Mom was emptying out my room of it's electrical appliances. I piped up "Oh yeah?!?1 The light bulbs have electricity and I still have THOSE!!" My mom didn't even speak. She just turned around, walked in my room, quietly unscrewed all my light bulbs and left..... I was without lightbulbs for the week because of my smart mouth.


My mom usually just tried to remove herself from fighting with me, since we fought almost daily between the ages of 12-14. If there was a chore to be done she would just say it once, or write a note for me. I had until 6 pm to get things done and if it wasn't there was an automatic punishment. No fighting on her part, just wait until 6 then check. I tried to fight but she wouldn't answer me back.

 

[laurafergie]

In our house, DH and I do not speak twice. Ever. We work a lot, and time is a precious commodity. Everyone has to contribute to the family unit, be it by keeping house, yard, schoolwork or by being a pleasant person to be around.

That being said. Chore charts and schedules charts are a wonderful tool if used correctly. Make charts detailing exactly what the chore is and how to get it done, and then have seven days slots to "check" it off. Having these takes the accountability and puts it squarely on the child. You do have to enforce it, but after awhile, it will become second nature. Think of the favor you are doing your child when he is an adult and going to college. They will already know how to manage their time.

Our chore chart includes laying out the next day's clothes, making bag lunches and small things like that, as well as the major stuff like taking out the trash and putting away dishes, changing sheets, etc. Everything is included.

Make a schedule chart the same way. A typical day of the week for my younger two would look like this:

3:45-5:00pm Homework, Read 50 pages from current book (If they finish early, they go right into Chore Chart, because Chores and Homework have to be done before playing)
5:00-6:00pm Chores done from Chore Chart
6:30pm Supper
Free Time
7:30 Shower
Free Time
8:30 Bedtime (DD6)
9:30 Bedtime (DD11)

They have plenty of free time, they get their homework done and their chores - with no fussing involved. I realize that many families get home later, I used to not get home until 6:30 after picking the kids up from daycare, but we have always had a schedule/ chore chart posted

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

My parents big threat at that age was no electricity. No TV, No Computer, No phone, No radio or CD player. Nada.

I remember the one time I decided to be smart as my Mom was emptying out my room of it's electrical appliances. I piped up "Oh yeah?!?1 The light bulbs have electricity and I still have THOSE!!" My mom didn't even speak. She just turned around, walked in my room, quietly unscrewed all my light bulbs and left..... I was without lightbulbs for the week because of my smart mouth.


My mom usually just tried to remove herself from fighting with me, since we fought almost daily between the ages of 12-14. If there was a chore to be done she would just say it once, or write a note for me. I had until 6 pm to get things done and if it wasn't there was an automatic punishment. No fighting on her part, just wait until 6 then check. I tried to fight but she wouldn't answer me back.

You mom is my new HERO!!! I am doing that. THAT will really get my daughter, because she WANTS me to argue and fight!

 

[LisaR]

My parents big threat at that age was no electricity. No TV, No Computer, No phone, No radio or CD player. Nada.

I remember the one time I decided to be smart as my Mom was emptying out my room of it's electrical appliances. I piped up "Oh yeah?!?1 The light bulbs have electricity and I still have THOSE!!" My mom didn't even speak. She just turned around, walked in my room, quietly unscrewed all my light bulbs and left..... I was without lightbulbs for the week because of my smart mouth.


My mom usually just tried to remove herself from fighting with me, since we fought almost daily between the ages of 12-14. If there was a chore to be done she would just say it once, or write a note for me. I had until 6 pm to get things done and if it wasn't there was an automatic punishment. No fighting on her part, just wait until 6 then check. I tried to fight but she wouldn't answer me back.

I love your mom!

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

In our house, DH and I do not speak twice. Ever. We work a lot, and time is a precious commodity. Everyone has to contribute to the family unit, be it by keeping house, yard, schoolwork or by being a pleasant person to be around.

That being said. Chore charts and schedules charts are a wonderful tool if used correctly. Make charts detailing exactly what the chore is and how to get it done, and then have seven days slots to "check" it off. Having these takes the accountability and puts it squarely on the child. You do have to enforce it, but after awhile, it will become second nature. Think of the favor you are doing your child when he is an adult and going to college. They will already know how to manage their time.

Our chore chart includes laying out the next day's clothes, making bag lunches and small things like that, as well as the major stuff like taking out the trash and putting away dishes, changing sheets, etc. Everything is included.

Make a schedule chart the same way. A typical day of the week for my younger two would look like this:

3:45-5:00pm Homework, Read 50 pages from current book (If they finish early, they go right into Chore Chart, because Chores and Homework have to be done before playing)
5:00-6:00pm Chores done from Chore Chart
6:30pm Supper
Free Time
7:30 Shower
Free Time
8:30 Bedtime (DD6)
9:30 Bedtime (DD11)

They have plenty of free time, they get their homework done and their chores - with no fussing involved. I realize that many families get home later, I used to not get home until 6:30 after picking the kids up from daycare, but we have always had a schedule/ chore chart posted

I like this chore chart too! Was there ever a time when they DIDNT do it? If so, what was the consequence?

 

[scottishduffy]

I love your mom!

Yeah, Mom had a way to end arguments immediately.

Another time I took my life into my own hands and decided to tell her to "Kiss my Butt!" At which point she grabbed my shoulders, spun me around backwards, and kissed it.

Seriously, HOW does one respond to something like that?!? Argument over, Point Mom.

 

[sbell111]

I'm pretty sure that the power struggle between girls and their moms is very typical at that age. I'd be more concerned if you weren't going through it. Some psychologists actually believe that this defiance is a necessary part of a girl's development.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Yeah, Mom had a way to end arguments immediately.

Another time I took my life into my own hands and decided to tell her to "Kiss my Butt!" At which point she grabbed my shoulders, spun me around backwards, and kissed it.

Seriuosly, HOW does one respond to something like that?!? Argument over, Point Mom.

There should be a "Nanny 911" show for preteen girls and your Mom can be the Nanny. She rocks.