Preschool Issues - Need Suggestions

[Kit'smommy]

You can't imagine how much I appreciate the support.

The child is not even five and I think expecting him to learn to cope with the situation at this point is not realistic and I am leaning toward not sending him back. He didn't go back today, and I will probably call the principal back on Monday with a decision after I get a chance to see what he brings up himself over the weekend.

I agree with the poster that stated that this is no longer over the playground. I really feel like the the way the teacher has handled many things has caused the issue. We will always have to deal with personality conflicts, but a complete mismatch at this age is especially hard. His teacher last year was very gentle and he still loves her. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a very warm, loving enviroment at this age, and I don't think he has received that this year.

He no longer feels safe there. They have not been proactive with looking for a solution even though we have told them we were fine with switching him to a different class even if it means going to the other teacher or an afternoon class, but these do not appear to be options.

I feel like the teacher has undermined us completely in specific instances (including several I have not mentioned). I also resent the fact that every time I talk to her, I end up feeling like something is my fault. I have never placed blame on the school in my conversations with them but have only asked what they suggest to work with him. After all, I keep getting reminded that some of them have over 20 years working with children and that they are the experts. Surely he can't be the first child at the school to have issues with feeling really uncomfortable in school.

We don't bring this up at home but do what we can to reassure him when he mentions it. He has had friends over and has interaction with classmates outside of school. He is excited about seeing them, but just does not want it to be in school. We do everything we can to make him feel safe and secure. And we have run out of ideas short of taking him out of this preschool.

Another thing that came up in my conversation yesterday is that acording to the teacher, he insists that he doesn't want to go to school only because he misses his grandmother during the day. Well this is news to us! At home, he harps only on the playground issue and feeling scared of school. On the weekend, he doesn't worry about his grandmother at all is is happy with a 2 minute call her at some point in the day. He is not clingy or excessively concerned about me or his daddy if we leave him with friends or his other grandparents for a while. We assure him that we are coming back and that is the end of that. He says he misses (insert name) sometimes, but doesn't harp on it.

I asked him last night if he was just worried about his grandmother when he goes to school and he started going through the same almost rehearsed set of lines about missing my mom so much, etc. when goes to school that the teacher had said on the phone.

We have had to work through mild separation anxiety in the past (as in well over a year ago) with leaving me/his father/my mother. The way he expresses his concern over the the separation overall and the very vocabulary he uses to communicate with us regarding missing us is different than what I heard from him last night. I asked him later yesterday evening how how he feels about being separated from me and his daddy or from his grandparents on the weekend (with no reference to school) and he reverted back to the usual expressions he usually uses and has always used. Honestly, I felt like he was using some expressions and lines he had heard from someone else and parroting them back (and they didn't sound like my mother's very distinctive speach patterns either). I am really wondering if someone used a line of questioning that resulted in "putting words in his mouth" that he is now trying out on us.

Apparently, when he is at school, he is a perfect obedient little angel and he is not acting out at home other than to sob his heart out and worry constantly over this. I really think if he were the type of child to have acted out at school as the result of all this and were causing them issues, then we would have received a better response from the teacher and school.

There is no shame in taking him out, and I know that when he goes in K-5 in the fall, it will be with 7 more months of maturity and a different environment.

 

[karibritt01]

Are there any church preschools or in-home daycares in your area that he could try out? Maybe a few days a week in a more nuturing environment will keep him used to separating, and help him to put this trauma behind him before starting Kindergarten. Also, check into the regulations for Kindergarten in your area... here the rule is they must be enrolled in 1st grade by age 7. If he does better with a slightly younger age group, it might be worth it to consider delaying K for a year.

 

[cheap traveler]

I agree with most posters here. Try your best not to take him out of school, because these early years are really a great advantage> My DD5 is going through some issues, mostly involving her teacher. They have a large class so there are 2 teachers, one she loves and one she hates. She has spent many afternoons in the director's office after an outburst revolving around that other teacher. 2 hours just this week because the teacher tried to rub her back at rest time. We are going through trying to make her situation better right now, because my DD5 has some sensory and emotional problems, and the teacher just thinks she is a brat. If I don't get anywhere, I am not sure what I'm going to do. Her best friend is in the class, and she won't have the opportunity to learn what she needs to if we move her backwards. Good luck, and just remember that no matter what your number one job is to make him feel safe, even if he takes a few months off of school.

Anybody else have these crazy thoughts that these school problems wouldn't start until MUCH later? I feel like I missed that part of the "What to expect..." books!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Anybody else have these crazy thoughts that these school problems wouldn't start until MUCH later? I feel like I missed that part of the "What to expect..." books!

You're not the only one. They did NOT cover how to handle these situations in "What to Expect..".

 

[sashagiselle]

I know its corny but follow your heart. A dear friend's daughter was having major meltdowns everyday before pre-school and while she was 'fine' during the day, it was obviously taking a toll on both her and her mom. People told my friend that she was being a brat and just didn't want to go to school and not to give in etc. Anyway, my friend went ahead and placed at a church preschool and the turnaround was amazing, her daughter now loves to go to preschool. In our family every Friday, is Donut Friday!, we go to Shipleys every Friday. This treat has made it easier to get through some rough mornings because they have a goal getting a day closer to Donut Friday. Hugs to you and your DS. Remeber you do have the right to go "mama bear".

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with Sashagiselle, follow your heart. Your son is worried and fearful. The teacher sounds cold, unsympathetic, and dismissive. It doesn't sound like a winning situation.

 

[NiftyJ88]

I'm a high school teacher, but I think I can still share. If this were a child in my classroom, I would see if there were some way to incorporate things he enjoys like playing with younger children. I'm sure things are different at the preschool level, but at the high school level I would make such an accomodation. I don't think he needs to "learn to cope" with this type of behavior. Also, children can be sneaky little monsters. There could be some major bullying going on that the teacher just isn't noticing.
I would try to have another arrangement for recess, and if they aren't willing...there are other schools.

 

[kimmylaj]

i just want to respond as a prek 3 teacher, i would feel terrible if someone pulled a child out of my class. as a teacher i really want each child to have a good experience, yes sometimes it s hard, there are kids who have cranky days, tired days, mean days but in the end they are just kids. kids who need to be loved, and taken care of. that being said i would try to have one more discussion with the teacher and director together. make sure to use words that dont place blame, such as i feel.... ,my son seems to ...., tell them that you would like him to stay and have a positive experience. ask for suggestions one last time, i would also ask them to compare the difficulties he is having and how he is coping with them to the rest of his peers. if they express that he is having much more difficulty with regards to situations than his peers ask if they think an evaluation is warranted. it is possible that some play therapy (in ny it can be provided thru state services) could help him with coping mechanisms. if they seem unresponsive after all of this i would say you may have to take him out and maybe look for a multi age camp type setting for a couple of weeks over the summer, to get him ready for kindergarten. my ds is in kindergarten now, and it is very demanding here. he cried quite often about all the demands put on him and i would hate for your son to feel stressed in his new environment. i hope everything works out , goood luck,
ps being a mama bear is a good thing

 

[bookwormde]

Sounds like you need a new preschool, if they think just letting him toughen up is the answer. His reaction to them is telling you that he realizes that they are not going to meet his needs.

Children are different with different needs whether it is just from differences in nature or from a true neurovariant differential.
If the preschool is not of the quality to recognize and accommodate this, then while it is not easy, it is time to do something different. Serious damage can occur from chronic heightened levels of stress even at this age.

Has your child been screened by the “child find” (or what ever your state calls it). All children are supposed to be before they enter Kindergarten (actually it is supposed to happen earlier). It is designed for early identification of anything, which might be a developmental differential. Your preschool should be participating so you might ask them, if not call your state DOE and they can give you information.

bookwormde