Preschool girl drama - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

[mookie]

I never in my life thought I would have to deal with this so soon.

I just had a call with dd4's teacher about how she is part of a group with 2 other girls, and that the "threesome" isn't getitng along very well because someone is always left out and they get upset. I never thoguht my dd was a sensitive kid, but the teacher said one of the three is always crying in class!!!

The teacher wants us to make sure that all 3 girls know that we need to be friends with everyone in the class, and that there are plenty of other kids to play with instead of just their circle of 3.

I swear I didn't raise my kid to be a brat like that. She is so easy going and such a good kid at home. Friends with anyone and everyone. Now I feel like I have one of those spoiled cliquey girls that I always hated in High School. UNREAL.

I'm going to go talk to my kid. Is this crazy that I am dealing with this already in PRESCHOOL?!?!?!

 

[connorlevismom]

You did not raise a brat, she is a girl. I used t run with a group of 3 and one of us was always feeling left out and upset about it. It is just something about a threesome and someone is always going to be hurt.

I don't have any advice, but I did want you to know that she is totally normal and that it has more to do with the number than the actual human beings that are in the number. Does that make sense?

Kristine

 

[StrollPatrolMom]

well, take this for what its worth....firstly, I'd relax a lot about this. She is only 4...its sounds as though you might be letting some pre-conceived notions in the mold of "Mean Girls" color what is probably a very simple problem...

are we talking a couple hours a week pre-school or an all day daycare type program?

I think its natural for kids to be friends with certain kids...some personalities click, and others don't...I don't think that necessarily means that at age 4 its something being done intentionally at the exclusion of other kids to be hurtful.

I would avoid using or judging with language like "brat" or feeling somehow inadequate as mom. They are 4. They are girls....emotions run high and logic is nowhere to be found. What are the teachers actually doing here to facilitate the entire group socializing? If anything, thats the teachers JOB...4 year olds aren't learning English Literature...the point of school IS to teach them to all get along and play well, sometimes that requires heavy teacher interaction...when it sounds like the teacher is sitting back and letting the kids run the show. To me, they should be supervised closely enough that interactions need to be interjected into before any little girl is sitting in a puddle of tears.....

my own almost 4 year old is in a very small class with 6 girls and one boy. Her best friend is in the class as well. I made my expectations clear that I wanted her to socialize with all the kids and not lean on her best friend and ignore the other kids. We also have regular talks about how to include ALL the kids in playing (including the one little boy of the group, I try to stress this a lot) I talk regularly with her teachers making sure that she plays well with all the kids....try to keep it positive...she's still really little. I would not overreact to this.

 

[yasmina]

Nope, you're not crazy or a bad parent. It's called Relational Aggression and, while this behavior peaks in middle school, it has been documented as young as preschool.

If your daughter is inclined to this type of behavior (as most girls are at some point as either queen bee, victim, or bystander), consider yourself lucky that it has manifested this young. You have an opportunity to nip this in the bud, and with luck and some age appropriate discussions about friendship, coach her about proper behavior and treatment of friends.

 

[Magpie]

Very normal! Four and five year old girls are evil!

Well... okay, not evil. How about - they're busy exploring and testing the bounds of human social interaction?

Anyway, I had to come down hard on my dd about this kind of thing, too. She was both the instigator and the victim at different times. Just work with the teacher, talk to your dd at home, go over her day with her, and emphasize how important it is to think about how *everyone* feels. Is anyone sad? What can you do to make it better? How can you stand up for yourself when someone is being mean to you? How can you stand up for someone else?

Work on her empathy skills. As my husband used to say to my dd, "Are you using your powers for good?"

One of two things happens, as far as I've seen. Your dd develops a conscience and all is well. Or... she doesn't and she turns into one of *those* girls in high school. Given that you're already concerned and supporting the teacher, I don't think there's much chance of the second outcome. Your dd will be a very sweet girl by the time she's seven!

 

[HunnyPots]

I taught preschool for 10 years and believe me, this is nothing unusual. Groups of three never work out because, just as you said, someone always gets left out. The problem may be that the teacher is getting too involved and the drama begins.
She needs to involve the whole class in more group activities that do not allow for any small groups to form. Keep them busy busy busy!
If I were you, I'd try not to make a big deal out of it. Three year olds have a way of making a new 'best friend' every week.

 

[mookie]

If I were you, I'd try not to make a big deal out of it. Three year olds have a way of making a new 'best friend' every week.

I would love to say this is the case, but these girls are pretty close. In the same class together last year, and it was kind of more of afun "buddies" thing. All in the same class this year....what a difference a year makes. Can't wait for kindergarten!!

Seriously though, your comments are all great. I know I flew off the handle. I have a good kid...a really good kid. And there are times where she is the victim and the instigator....I just didn't think I'd have to address this situation so soon....I thought I had a few more years still!

Btw, loved the Mean Girls reference....had a good laugh!

 

[VirtuallyMe]

Funny you mentioned this- I was just talking to a pediatric/adolescent social worker who talked about this...

Used to be the mean girl drama really didn't start until 4th grade or so (some a little earlier some a little later) but the whole thing wouldn't start until about 9... she was saying that now the average age for the girl drama- is 5 yo...

Wow- I know I would have told her I'd seen some from my experience with Girl Scouts as young as 2nd grade before- some girls just seem to revel in creating drama before others...

The earlier mean girl drama isn't quite as malicious for 5yo's but it can be just as hurtful- according to my friend in the know... She said it is things like... "If you don't do xxx you can't come to my birthday party" Definitely along the same lines but on the 5 yo maturity.

There is a great book out there called Queen Bees and Wannabees -it is actually this book that the movie "Mean Girls" is based off of- of course most of this book focuses on middle/high school issues but I would have loved to read this before my girls got anywhere close to it... to handle those "you can't come to my party" things that later become a little worse.

 

[yasmina]

Funny you mentioned this- I was just talking to a pediatric/adolescent social worker who talked about this...

Used to be the mean girl drama really didn't start until 4th grade or so (some a little earlier some a little later) but the whole thing wouldn't start until about 9... she was saying that now the average age for the girl drama- is 5 yo...

Wow- I know I would have told her I'd seen some from my experience with Girl Scouts as young as 2nd grade before- some girls just seem to revel in creating drama before others...

The earlier mean girl drama isn't quite as malicious for 5yo's but it can be just as hurtful- according to my friend in the know... She said it is things like... "If you don't do xxx you can't come to my birthday party" Definitely along the same lines but on the 5 yo maturity.

There is a great book out there called Queen Bees and Wannabees -it is actually this book that the movie "Mean Girls" is based off of- of course most of this book focuses on middle/high school issues but I would have loved to read this before my girls got anywhere close to it... to handle those "you can't come to my party" things that later become a little worse.

Have you seen "Odd Girl Out"? Based on the book by the same name, I found it to me much more realistic than "Mean Girls" (although I loved that book).

 

[Mkrop]

I have two boys but when the moms get together at our school you hear of this pretty frequently among the girl moms. They are frustrated just like you. Last year it got so bad that the teachers had a "Play with a New Friend Day" Each kid had to pick a name and they had to play with that child and the child who picked got to decide what to play (they then fixed it so those other got a turn the next time they tried this) so even if Susie picked Johnny and Susie wanted to play baby dolls, Johnny had to go along. We missed both days of this bc of our Disney trip but I heard it was interesting and got different kids playing together. Then they went back to the free play but I thought this was an interesting thing to do to encourage playing with new people instead of the same kid every day.

 

[nataliela]

I was part of a threesome growing up. Two of the girls lived across the street from each other and I lived 2 blocks down, so you can guess who the odd ball was!! This went on until high school where we all split ways, although we still do talk and are friends with each other!

The teacher may be making a big deal about it, but I would talk to the daughter again just to make sure she understands how easily it is to hurt someone else's feelings!

Its amazing how fast kids are growing up these days! I was talking to my 4 year old cousin who wants an IPOD for christmas?

 

[Cindyluwho]

As my husband used to say to my dd, "Are you using your powers for good?"
:

That is the best quote ever!!!!

 

[poptoone]

I keep trying to tell my wife it's inborn in women. I need to share this thread with her.

PS - I have a four year old girl and it seems to be pretty common.

 

[mickeyboat]

Last year the guidance counselor at DD's school had a meeting with the 2nd grade girls, and then one with their parents, because this was such a problem.

My girls tend not to get into this type of thing because they are both in the same grade (2nd this year). At lunch, recess, gym, on the bus, etc. they have one another. Emily also tends to like to play with the boys more than with the girls, and this type of thing doesn't seem to happen with boys. Neither one has developed close friendships with the other girls in their classes - although they are friendly and have a lot of friends. They just don't really need to.

We are doing Girl Scouts, and they teach a lot about treating other GS as sisters, and about making and keeping friends. Maybe it would be a good idea for your DD if problems continue.

Good luck to you!

Denae

 

[PaulaSue]

OP, I don't think the teacher meant to make your DD sound like a brat. I am sure she is just trying to help her and the others get along. IT is very distracting to have that happen in class. BTW, I see it often in the classes and I am just a room mom who helps out often.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

As a mom of 2 boys, I wanted to note two things:

1. It does start earlier than we realized!
I remember one of the moms at our Montessori school/daycare remarking on this behavior when our kids were only 3yo. I couldn't believe it, but she said it was true, it had happened several times, and apparently her DD and several of the other girls in their class had "strong personalities". Coincidentally or not, each of the girls was extremely bright, very verbal at an early age, and either an only child or the oldest child of the family. Pretty interesting!

I do think it is typical behavior for little girls, who are such social creatures. Don't judge your little girl too harshly, just do what you can to curb the behavior and remind her what friendship is all about.

2. It's not just girls that do this.
My DS7 is in 2nd grade, and this is the first year I've noticed it in the boys. One mom told me that her son had decided he and another friend weren't going to be friends with my DS anymore "because he likes to play football at recess." She asked if DS played football at every recess, and he said no. She suggested that, even though my son likes to play football and her son doesn't, they could still be friends, and they could play together when DS didn't want to play football. He seemed surprised at the suggestion, and told her that was a good idea.

The next week my DS said he didn't want to be friends with another of their group for a similar reason, and we had a similar discussion. He also agreed that all the boys could still be friends.

 

[rwrocksme]

I don't think that having a small group of friends is bad for a kid at all, especially girls. When I was in pre-k, it was me and two other little girls. We fought over who was who's best friend, and we cried, and then ten minutes later, we were back pretending we were in the Wizard of OZ like nothing had ever happened. And, sometimes, it lasts, and you end up in your thirty-somethings with people who fly across the country at really short notice on a red eye, when your boyfriend dumps you or you have to have surgery or something.

Chill. No matter how much they fight, having two close friends probably makes your daughter feel safe and secure, which is important in their first years of school. And middle school. And high school.

 

[eeyore_08]

I don't think she is turning into a brat at all! their little, we all go through our phases of not wanting to be left out. i had two friends when i was younger that i was inseprable from! and today all three of us are the best of friends!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, it starts as early as 3 years old!!! I couldn't believe it either until I saw it myself in my son's preschool several years ago.

There was this one 3 year old girl. Yes, 3 years old. I swear she hadn't reached her 4rh birthday yet. And she was masterful at it. She had a couple of 'friends'. One girl and one boy. And boy did she ever dominate and create drama. SHE had to lead everything. Only her two 'friends' were welcome. And she totally and visibly and even physically refuted any other child.

Funny thing was, the mom was one of the in 'clique' with some of those who ran the mother's day out program. And, I would swear that her daughter was simply raised to be a little 'queen bee'. Yes, a brat... Hell on wheels. Now, I really would usually never ever want to speak of a precious little child that way. But, man, if you could see this girl in action. Just unbelievable. Of course, in this situation, the teachers did NOTHING to stop Little Miss Princess.

It sounds like your daughter may have been caught up in a web created by one of the other girls. It really doesn't sound like she is the personality to be the instigator. Too bad it isn't easy to teach a child this young that they do not need or want to be involved with the 'queen bee' like that.

Don't feel bad about the phone call... Be glad that the teacher is at least acknowledging the situation and tryng to address it.

 

[LittleBlue22]

I experienced a similar thing today during play time, unbelievable.