Pre-teens Dating?

[princessmom29]

Having a "boyfriend" means something totally different at 11 than at 16. At 11you sit with them at lunch and giggle about how "cute" they are in the bathroom with your girlfriends and that is about it. Mabye hang out witht hem at someone's birthday party, or in a group. At 16 you might be actually developing a relationship with the person. There are more serious emotions involved than butterflies in the tummy. It is going to go on rather parents "allow" it or not. I would personally rather know about it and have DD feel she can talk to me about anything thart goes on. I will NOT be encouraging a boyfriend at 11 by any means, but if she comes how and says "so-and-so asked me out" I am not going to have a screamnig fit about how she is not allowed to date. I would be more likely to ask about exactly what she thinks that means and what types of things go along with that and set suitable boundaries.

 

[minkydog]

But I just wanted to say that I don't agree necessarily that "most" teenagers will have sex. It depends on the kids.

I didn't have sex as a teenager, and neither did my husband. And before you tell me that "times are different", I have a good friend with three daughters who range in age from 19 to 24. Her 19yo is still a virgin - we know this is true, because she actually asked her mum for advice. Her other girls also waited until they were around 20.

I agree. Just because some study says that most kids are doing it, doesn't mean that's accurate. I waited until I graduated from college. Why? Because I had a lot of respect for myself and my body and I hadn't found anyone who I wanted to be that intimate with. And no, times have not changed. I was a child of the 70s--flower power, the Pill, drugs, booze. We had it all. But I chose not to partake because I had actual *plans* for my life.

I don't worry too much about DD17. She's a very pragmatic personality, not easily swayed by pretty words and flowers. She has solid plans for her future that I believe she would not throw out for a quick roll in the hay. Judging by how bonded she is with her girlfriends and how they kinda keep each other in line, I'll be very surprised if she and her BF decided to take it to the next level. But if they do, well, what are you gonna do. She wouldn't be the first and she won't be the last. I know that she understands the process and I hope that she would decide to protect herself. I do think that in my DDs case, the peer pressure that her friends exert to NOT be sexually active at this time is working very well.

 

[Tinkermommy]

My DD is 9 and not even noticing boys so I hope this will be a non-issue for us for a while.

Now she has asked me when she can date and I told her 16.

But at 11 I would not even let her refer to a boy as a boyfriend, but just as a friend. And she could do "friend" activities with him, but not dates.

This will also apply to my son when he is older.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't agree that my use of the word "boyfriend" when I was child stripped away innocence at all. I came up with this on my own - my parents had nothing to do with it.

And how can anyone say that kids don't pretend to be grownups. Much of play is pretend about this very thing whether it's Barbie in different careers or dating Ken or a child playing with a pretend kitchen and so on. A kid saying that they have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" doesn't have to have sexual overtones.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I don't agree that my use of the word "boyfriend" when I was child stripped away innocence at all. I came up with this on my own - my parents had nothing to do with it.

And how can anyone say that kids don't pretend to be grownups. Much of play is pretend about this very thing whether it's Barbie in different careers or dating Ken or a child playing with a pretend kitchen and so on. A kid saying that they have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" doesn't have to have sexual overtones.

Kids will of course pretend to be/do grownup things. No one is arguing that. As parents you have some influence as to how they view and conduct themselves though. And if you allow them to use the term "boyfriend/girlfriend" then they will have a different context of their behavior and this relationship.

And for me it isn't just about sexual overtones it is about a level of relationship that is too mature for an 11 year old.

 

[mamamary]

As a mother of an 11 year old girl I think it is way too young. Luckily my dd is not interested in dating so I guess it's not an issue for us.

 

[Tiger926]

I'm just following up with some of the replies. Very interesting and widespread answers.
I honestly feel I am not promoting sex. Both my girls are pretty and popular but can relate to guys very easily. Both like sports and video games so their "boyfriends" at this young age is more just a title, I think, because it's actually quite innocent stuff. Trust me, I know, I've read their diaries, texts, and e-mails. (Sorry I just need to know!)
I never leave "the couples" alone, which in fact is/was not very often outside of school. Even my 17 year old is not allowed to have a boyfriend over unless we are at home and bedroom door always has to be open. She is on the pill because she asked to be when she was in a 2-year relationship, which I am proud of her for doing. I feel most teenagers are going to have sex no matter how hard we try to prevent it, including the ones that start "dating" later in their teens.

Not all teens are having sex, by the way. Thank goodness for that!

Your last statement is very telling - by the very fact that you believe that most teens will have sex, you are indeed, promoting sex. Dating, by its very nature, is an activity that promotes romantic and sexual relationships. That is the purpose of dating, so why would 11 and 12 year olds need to be placed in that situation? Since you have allowed 'dating' at age 11, and you believe most teens are going to have sex, then that is a boundary you don't need to be involved in. Your DD sounds like she was on the pill at 14 or 15, so obviously she is already, or is thinking about becoming sexually active. If it's ok with you, why get involved in her relationship at all? Why not allow her to have her boyfriend over and close the door? I'm confused by your thought process here?

You have been promoting very adult behaviour at very young ages, and even if they turn out positively, why subject your daughters to such mature subjects at such young ages? They have a long time to deal with the drama that goes with dating.

Please don't take this as a slam against you, but as a teacher who has been involved in some very intimate discussions with students and parents on these issues, I hope I have provided you with a different side to the issue. It's not as easy as using the term 'boy/girl friend' for fun, and just going to the movies. Words have meanings attached to them, why else use the term if it doesn't mean anything? Also, the whole idea of dating at age 11 will impress to children, most especially girls, that there is a need to be involved in a romantic/sexual relationships. Believe me, you don't want your daugters to define themselves in this way.

Tiger

 

[LisaR]

When DD was that age, she did not date. One of the things I find "funny" about kids that date at that age is the maturity level between the boys and the girls. In most cases, the girls are at a completely different level. My DD in no way, shape or form wanted to be with an 11 or 12 y/o boy when she was that age and there was no way I was letting her date a 14 or 15 y/o when she was 12 (not that she wanted to).

My son is almost 13. If given the option of going to the movies with a girl and a couple other friends or doing what he does every Saturday (playing air soft in the woods with a group of friends), I can assure you he would think the movie idea was a punishment. Dating is something that isn't even on his radar yet.

I will reiterate our experience. While most of DD's friends that dated at a young age did nothing at all except text or go out in groups and sit away from each other, there were a handful that were making out big time even with the group around. I picked DD up from the beach a few weeks ago and walked up to find a 14 y/o boy with his arms moving all over his 13 y/o GF bikini clad body. I know both kids and needless to say, they jumped apart pretty fast when they noticed me. DD said they basically left them alone because they were rolling around on the beach making out most of the time even when friends said to knock it off. If you talked to the 14 y/o boys mom, she would tell you that her son is not that kind of kid and she makes sure he only group dates so nothing happens. Good luck with that.

 

[wenmc]

Oh boy, I really opened a can of worms! But this is interesting! Too bad I'm at work, I'd have a lot to say!