Pre-teens Dating?

[NHdisneylover]

If dating means doing the same things they would with a girl friend, but with a boy and possibly with butterflies in the tummy and giggling once in a while than I think that is fine. I actually think we need to have more of that--time together with boys that is "dating" (meaning it is okay to feel different with him than with a girlfriend) without pressure to kick it up to a higher level or making out/exclusivity/sex etc.

DD13 had no interest in boys at all until very recently (they have had interest in her since she was about 10. She has always been tall and puberty hit hard and fast at 10 and then she was curvy too. She has been flirted with, and asked out even, by much older teens and a few 20 somethings who all thought she was much older than she was. I think this ma have frightened her off boys for a while because she was NOT ready for anything more than basic crushes and she could not feel "safe" having a crush. She is also just not the boy crazy personality). She is not "good friends" with a boy from school. It is obvious from how she talks about him that they both have crushes on each other (she says he has one on her and the other kids nicely tease them about spending so much time together but she is adamant she does not have a crush on him--yeah ok, even the 11 year old brother picked up on it after two days of hearing her talk about him). Anyway, they mostly see each other at school and on the tram to/from school but they have gone to the library or out for a pastry a few times. They aren't calling them dates--but from what you are calling a date I guess that is what they are. I have no issue with that.

 

[wilma-bride]

Hmmm, neither of my girls were interested in boys at that age.

They are now 16 and 17. The 17 yo has a boyfriend who she sees several times a week.

I don't know that I would have had a problem with them having a boyfriend at the age of 11 but here in the UK, our kids don't 'date' like they seem to in the US

DS has a girlfriend - he is 7 and so is she. She plays over once or twice a week and they are going to get married when they are 16. They've been together now for 3 years

 

[Tiger926]

I am a 38 year old mother of 4 who was raised by liberal, hippy parents, but I think it's ridiculous to even say that 11, 12 and 13 year olds are "dating." We know people who let their 10, 11, 12 year olds have Facebook pages and put on their "open" page for the world to see that they are looking for a relationship or are dating someone. Ridiculous! I know I keep saying that, but it is - ridiculous! They are children, period. Having friends of the opposite sex and hanging out in supervised situations is fine, as this is the bridge to one-on-one dating, but I don't think it shoud be referred to as dating or supported as dating at such a young age. It's just one more example of the oversexualization of children in American Society. Along with all the sixth graders wearing their full face of make-up and carrying their coach bags to school. Get a grip people, childhood is fleeting! All of the teenage angst and turmoil that go along with growing up and becoming an adult will happen in it's own sweet time, there's no need to rush it. Or for that matter add to the astounding teenage pregnancy rate we have in the U.S.

There is no reason on earth why children should be allowed to date at 11 or 12 years old. No reason to use the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at that age. No reason to allow exclusive one-on-one time with children of the opposite sex at that age. The implications are too great...You are implying that they need a romantic partner to be loved, that they need to seek relationships from the opposite sex at a young age, and that they need to make some very mature and adult decisions about their bodies, sex and emotions. Not necessary at that age at all... Pregnancy is one serious implication, as are STDs, relationship violence, or seriously broken hearts which may cause severe depression, etc. These factors may not come into play, but the incidence of them grows very, very high if allowed to date at 11 or 12 years of age.

It doesn't matter if it's not 'real' dating...there is no reason for it at that age...ever...

Tiger

 

[Aristomommy]

I am a mother of a 11 year old girl. Her classmates are mostly 12, some turning 13 in the fall, so she is used to being the youngest in the group. She does not "date" nor does she want to. I am all for having guy friends as she calls them, but to even refer to boys as boyfriends and dating is just silly at this age. Now I am not naive and I know what happens in middle schools across this country. But as far as DD, she is too busy with school, activities and friends to even entertain the thought.

There have been 2 boys that have expressed interest in DD as a "girlfriend" and DD has had to learn how to decline politely and she chose to remain friends instead. We have talked about the other person's feelings and how she might feel down the road with a crush. I wish we did't have to worry about this for a few years, but since she is young for her grade, things like this are bound to happen.

 

[bellebud]

That being said, my DD will be 13 in November. Today she was at the pool with my Mom, who said two boys, one about 12 and the other ( obviously a brother ) about 15 walked up, and the older one pushed the younger one towards my Mom and said, "He wants to ask you something!" My mom said he got all purple and then said, "Can I talk to your Granddaughter?"

that's very sweet and polite of them to ask for permission.

DS has a girlfriend - he is 7 and so is she. She plays over once or twice a week and they are going to get married when they are 16. They've been together now for 3 years

that's adorable!!

 

[Magpie]

I'm wondering if I'm the only person for whom this was a total non-issue!

I didn't have to make any kind of rule around "dating" when my daughter was 11. It just never came up.

When she was 13 she briefly had a "boyfriend" - except she never saw him outside school!

"Would you like to invite your friend over?" I'd ask.

"Nah."

She went to the dance with him and then broke up with him a little while after, explaining to me that boys are "too much work."

This year, she didn't date at all, though she did spend a lot of time talking to one boy in her class. Again, she didn't bring him home. She did however dance with this boy at the end-of-year dance.

My now-14yo daughter came home and said, "I'm so glad I had a chance to slow dance with him. I wanted to say I'd slow-danced at least once before I left middle school." She couldn't understand why I found that hilarious.

My daughter's off to high school next year, and I really don't think dating's going to be an issue. I've given my daughter all the information I can, and I trust her to do what's right - for her.

 

[PatsGirl]

After teaching/counselling hundreds of teens over my 11 year teaching career, I can attest to the fact that parents are some of the biggest culprits in pushing kids to grow up too fast...as this thread shows.

There is no reason on earth why children should be allowed to date at 11 or 12 years old. No reason to use the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at that age. No reason to allow exclusive one-on-one time with children of the opposite sex at that age. The implications are too great...You are implying that they need a romantic partner to be loved, that they need to seek relationships from the opposite sex at a young age, and that they need to make some very mature and adult decisions about their bodies, sex and emotions. Not necessary at that age at all... Pregnancy is one serious implication, as are STDs, relationship violence, or seriously broken hearts which may cause severe depression, etc. These factors may not come into play, but the incidence of them grows very, very high if allowed to date at 11 or 12 years of age. If I show this thread to my teen moms they are going to get very angry, as they've BTDT with parents who let them or encouraged them to grow up too fast. It's not a fun place to be...

It doesn't matter if it's not 'real' dating...there is no reason for it at that age...ever...

Tiger

I couldn't agree more And I'm tired of being the parent everyone says is "old-fashioned" and "stuck in the dark ages". I'm an older parent yes but I am not ignorant nor naive by any stretch of the imagination. BTDT is my motto My education in adolescent psychology and personal experiences keep me from allowing my children to act like "pretend adults"

 

[nmmom95]

After teaching/counselling hundreds of teens over my 11 year teaching career, I can attest to the fact that parents are some of the biggest culprits in pushing kids to grow up too fast...as this thread shows.

There is no reason on earth why children should be allowed to date at 11 or 12 years old. No reason to use the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at that age. No reason to allow exclusive one-on-one time with children of the opposite sex at that age. The implications are too great...You are implying that they need a romantic partner to be loved, that they need to seek relationships from the opposite sex at a young age, and that they need to make some very mature and adult decisions about their bodies, sex and emotions. Not necessary at that age at all... Pregnancy is one serious implication, as are STDs, relationship violence, or seriously broken hearts which may cause severe depression, etc. These factors may not come into play, but the incidence of them grows very, very high if allowed to date at 11 or 12 years of age. If I show this thread to my teen moms they are going to get very angry, as they've BTDT with parents who let them or encouraged them to grow up too fast. It's not a fun place to be...

It doesn't matter if it's not 'real' dating...there is no reason for it at that age...ever...

Tiger

Several children in my son's 6th grade class are "dating" now. He liked someone and wanted to "ask her out." I told him no dating until high school.
In our school, there is a "couple" in 5th grade that have been "dating" for 2 years! I just had this conversation with another mom. If they are starting in 5th or 6th grade, where will they be at 16? ITA with the above statement that kids are growing up too fast.. It's a parent's responsibility to keep them age appropriate. That's a fine line to walk, I know. ou can't baby them, either.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm wondering if I'm the only person for whom this was a total non-issue!

I didn't have to make any kind of rule around "dating" when my daughter was 11. It just never came up.

When she was 13 she briefly had a "boyfriend" - except she never saw him outside school!

"Would you like to invite your friend over?" I'd ask.

"Nah."

She went to the dance with him and then broke up with him a little while after, explaining to me that boys are "too much work."

This year, she didn't date at all, though she did spend a lot of time talking to one boy in her class. Again, she didn't bring him home. She did however dance with this boy at the end-of-year dance.

My now-14yo daughter came home and said, "I'm so glad I had a chance to slow dance with him. I wanted to say I'd slow-danced at least once before I left middle school." She couldn't understand why I found that hilarious.

My daughter's off to high school next year, and I really don't think dating's going to be an issue. I've given my daughter all the information I can, and I trust her to do what's right - for her.

Nope--same way here. DD13 is finally liking a boy this year, but she does not refer to him as a boyfriend and gets mad at anyone who does--they jsut realy like to hang out (but she definitely talks about him more than any of her girlfriends). They hang out at school and have gone to the bookstore, library and pastry shop in the afternoons (as I posted already) but those are the exact same things she does with her girlfriends. There are no "rules"--there is nothing really to make a rule about at this point.

I will agree with some others that pushing relationships on kids is odd at best. I have a cousin 3 years younger than I am. From the time he was in preschool he had a "girlfriend." Whenever he came to visit us he would mail her an "I love you" card and buy her a special gift to take back. There was always a to-do about Valentine's Day. Even as a kid I thought his mom making a big deal about this was just "off."
But I think this goes both ways--overreacting to children "going out" or "dating" when they mean nothing by it gives the impression that ALL of their relationships SHOULD be more serious and adult in nature.

 

[Magpie]

Nope--same way here. DD13 is finally liking a boy this year, but she does not refer to him as a boyfriend and gets mad at anyone who does--they jsut realy like to hang out (but she definitely talks about him more than any of her girlfriends). They hang out at school and have gone to the bookstore, library and pastry shop in the afternoons (as I posted already) but those are the exact same things she does with her girlfriends. There are no "rules"--there is nothing really to make a rule about at this point.

I will agree with some others that pushing relationships on kids is odd at best. I have a cousin 3 years younger than I am. From the time he was in preschool he had a "girlfriend." Whenever he came to visit us he would mail her an "I love you" card and buy her a special gift to take back. There was always a to-do about Valentine's Day. Even as a kid I thought his mom making a big deal about this was just "off."
But I think this goes both ways--overreacting to children "going out" or "dating" when they mean nothing by it gives the impression that ALL of their relationships SHOULD be more serious and adult in nature.

I think you're absolutely right. The problem is mostly with us adults, and the kind of control we try to exert over our kids. We don't have to push relationships on our kids, but we don't have to ban them, either. Boys and girls can usually interact just fine without us adults telling them HOW they should feel, or what labels they should put on their relationships.

The only time I ever felt the need to explain "boy/girl stuff" to my daughter was in Grade 5, when she got all shapely and the boys immediately started picking on her. Then it was just, "They don't hate you honey, they're just little boys who are starting to get big-boy hormones. They're attracted to you, and they don't know what to do about it. Just tell them to piss off. I promise you in a couple years they'll settle down and start treating you better."

They did, but my daughter can really hold a grudge. This year several Grade 8 boys did their best to win her over, and got a cold shoulder for their efforts. She still remembers how they treated her in Grade 5 and wants nothing to do with them. She only likes the boys who were always nice to her.

My reaction? You go, girl!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Magpie--your daughter sounds awesome

 

[lillygator]

boyfriends at 11? crazy.

 

[LisaR]

When my DD was that age, she had a few friends that were allowed to "date" as long as they were in a group. I knew a couple of the parents. We were talking one day and one of the moms said she was totally comfortable with group dating at this age (12) because she knew the kids wouldn't do anything in a group plus her DD wasn't really into it anyway. My DD had just gone to the movies the weekend before with her DD and her boyfriend plus a few other kids. She said the girl and her BF were all over each other! I think group dating gives some parents a false sense of security.

That said, my DD knows many others that "dated" and went to the movies in groups and didn't even sit next to their date.

 

[wenmc]

I'm just following up with some of the replies. Very interesting and widespread answers.
I honestly feel I am not promoting sex. Both my girls are pretty and popular but can relate to guys very easily. Both like sports and video games so their "boyfriends" at this young age is more just a title, I think, because it's actually quite innocent stuff. Trust me, I know, I've read their diaries, texts, and e-mails. (Sorry I just need to know!)
I never leave "the couples" alone, which in fact is/was not very often outside of school. Even my 17 year old is not allowed to have a boyfriend over unless we are at home and bedroom door always has to be open. She is on the pill because she asked to be when she was in a 2-year relationship, which I am proud of her for doing. I feel most teenagers are going to have sex no matter how hard we try to prevent it, including the ones that start "dating" later in their teens.

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

It's too young, IMHO. Dating is not for young children, and 11 is too young. Not sure why parents allow young children to date - why do children need to have boyfriends/girlfriends? Why be attached to one person at that age?

Hate to think what they will be asking for if they are allowed to date at 11 years old?

Now, before anything thinks I'm old - I'm only in my 30s, and I'm a highschool teacher, so I hang with teens all day. Most of whom dated at 10 or 11, and many of whom are now in serious relationships playing house with babies at 15 and 16 years old. Many of them have also been victims of relationship violence/abuse as well. When you are 11 or 12 years old, you have no idea what is or what isn't acceptable behaviour.

Most of them say that they wish they had not been allowed to date at such young ages, as it forced them to grow up way too fast. Most of them started having sex very young too, because if you start dating at 11, you become bored pretty quickly, and then you go the next step. Especially if you have a serious boyfriend/girlfriend at 13 or 14 years old. Dating is just not necessary at that age at all. Does it mean that all children who date (I can't even use that term to refer to 11 years old) that young, will have negative issues? No - but when children are thrust into older situations that are not age appropriate, they have more chance of having problems, whether it be self-esteem issues, spending too much time with boy/girlfriend or pressure to have sex.

I absolutely wouldn't let children that young date, Tiger

Well said & ITA.

 

[minkydog]

Meh. I don't know that's its a horrible thing, really. It depends on how you define dating. In my area kids say they're "dating" when what they mean is they're eating lunch together and calling on the phone. Many times these younger kids don't even see each other outside of school. But they're "dating." Pretty harmless, I think.

Now, of course, I would have more of an issue with "dating" if it meant that my 11yo had attracted the attention of a HS senior. That would absolutely not be acceptable. But if she wanted to go to the movies with another 11-12yo boy and his family, or a group of mutual friends, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I wouldn't encourage her to be exclusive.

My DD17 began to get interested in boys around the age of 11. She was never boy crazy, but she wanted to know what boys are about. So we allowed the evening phone calls(no calls after 8pm) and the occasional boy/girl party at that age but not real dating until she was about 15. And even then it was group dating.

I believe that the best way to manage this situation is to keep the pre-teens involved in sports, dance, music or whatever activities they enjoy. DD17 dances about 18hrs a week, in addition to her theater and music activities. She has a steady near-age boyfriend who she sees at school and they go on dates a couple times a week. DD is still very involved with her close friends; no splitting off to make goo-goo eyes with the BF all night long.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for everyone's advice. Yes, I was being criticized by another mother who's daughters are much older, in their 30s and 40s. She told me I was setting a bad example. But I have seen all extremes of what parents will allow in my girls' school.

Yes, this is my first post. I know seems a little strange but I have been to this site hundreds of times. I am a lover of Disney and visiting the Resort. I first found out about this site on one of our last trips when I was doing research. I fell in love with reading people's trip reports, then stubbled upon the budget boards and then the community boards. It is a great place to seek advice from other parents and what not. I'm sure I will be back again and again!

We will see if you can last out this thread.

As far as myself, my rule was 16. For me, it was not all about sex but the drama of having BF's breaking up and all that jazz.

Also I think it depends on the kid, your family, etc. Personal choices really and not a right or wrong thing, imo.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

After teaching/counselling hundreds of teens over my 11 year teaching career, I can attest to the fact that parents are some of the biggest culprits in pushing kids to grow up too fast...as this thread shows.

There is no reason on earth why children should be allowed to date at 11 or 12 years old. No reason to use the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" at that age. No reason to allow exclusive one-on-one time with children of the opposite sex at that age. The implications are too great...You are implying that they need a romantic partner to be loved, that they need to seek relationships from the opposite sex at a young age, and that they need to make some very mature and adult decisions about their bodies, sex and emotions. Not necessary at that age at all... Pregnancy is one serious implication, as are STDs, relationship violence, or seriously broken hearts which may cause severe depression, etc. These factors may not come into play, but the incidence of them grows very, very high if allowed to date at 11 or 12 years of age. If I show this thread to my teen moms they are going to get very angry, as they've BTDT with parents who let them or encouraged them to grow up too fast. It's not a fun place to be...

It doesn't matter if it's not 'real' dating...there is no reason for it at that age...ever...

Tiger

Exactly! Why don't people get this? Even using the terminology of "I'm dating" or "I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend" is reinforcing the idea to these CHILDREN that it's okay to act as adults or think they are acting as adults. It simply is helping to strip away their innocence at a young age. Children should certainly be encouraged to be social and have friends, whether they be male or female, but there is simply no need to put the sexual overtone or connotation to it.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Meh. I don't know that's its a horrible thing, really. It depends on how you define dating. In my area kids say they're "dating" when what they mean is they're eating lunch together and calling on the phone. Many times these younger kids don't even see each other outside of school. But they're "dating." Pretty harmless, I think.

Now, of course, I would have more of an issue with "dating" if it meant that my 11yo had attracted the attention of a HS senior. That would absolutely not be acceptable. But if she wanted to go to the movies with another 11-12yo boy and his family, or a group of mutual friends, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I wouldn't encourage her to be exclusive.

My DD17 began to get interested in boys around the age of 11. She was never boy crazy, but she wanted to know what boys are about. So we allowed the evening phone calls(no calls after 8pm) and the occasional boy/girl party at that age but not real dating until she was about 15. And even then it was group dating.

I believe that the best way to manage this situation is to keep the pre-teens involved in sports, dance, music or whatever activities they enjoy. DD17 dances about 18hrs a week, in addition to her theater and music activities. She has a steady near-age boyfriend who she sees at school and they go on dates a couple times a week. DD is still very involved with her close friends; no splitting off to make goo-goo eyes with the BF all night long.

I can agree with most everything you've said and you clearly are involved in your children's lives and helping them make good decisions. But, I think about the kids whose parents aren't so "connected" and their are plenty of them out there. They aren't giving their kids any guidance let alone keeping them in time consuming afterschool activities. Once my daughter started middle school last year I was incredibly surprised by the attitude of a lot parents and how most of them just seem to dissapear around this age. Formally, active and involved parents seem to think that since their child is now in middle school that they don't need to be as "hands on," as I had one parent tell me. By the way, I am the President of the PTO. Or I have had them tell me that their kids are embarrassed if they volunteer at the school so that's why they don't come anymore. In my opinion, middle schoolers still need their parents love, guidance and disipline just as much as grade schoolers. Middle school is one of the most important transitional times in a child's life and I see way too many parents disconnect at this age.

 

[Magpie]

I'm just following up with some of the replies. Very interesting and widespread answers.
I honestly feel I am not promoting sex. Both my girls are pretty and popular but can relate to guys very easily. Both like sports and video games so their "boyfriends" at this young age is more just a title, I think, because it's actually quite innocent stuff. Trust me, I know, I've read their diaries, texts, and e-mails. (Sorry I just need to know!)
I never leave "the couples" alone, which in fact is/was not very often outside of school. Even my 17 year old is not allowed to have a boyfriend over unless we are at home and bedroom door always has to be open. She is on the pill because she asked to be when she was in a 2-year relationship, which I am proud of her for doing. I feel most teenagers are going to have sex no matter how hard we try to prevent it, including the ones that start "dating" later in their teens.

I think you're doing just fine by your kids! Well, except maybe for reading their diaries. Watch out - that could come back and bite you, if you're not careful.

But I just wanted to say that I don't agree necessarily that "most" teenagers will have sex. It depends on the kids.

I didn't have sex as a teenager, and neither did my husband. And before you tell me that "times are different", I have a good friend with three daughters who range in age from 19 to 24. Her 19yo is still a virgin - we know this is true, because she actually asked her mum for advice. Her other girls also waited until they were around 20.

My friend is a sex educator who works with teens (as am I), so that's likely a big part of why her kids put off having sex so long.

I think a good comprehensive Kindergarten to Grade 12 sex education curriculum that arms kids with knowledge and empowers them to make their own choices (including saying No!), will go a long way to ensuring that teens don't jump blindly into sex. The focus shouldn't be on prevention, it should be on education - including relationships, and society, and power imbalances and all that other stuff beyond just plumbing.