Pre-children thinking vs. Post-children thinking/actions....are they different?

[It's A Happy Day]

It always cracks me up when some non-parent people always seem to have the right punishment, the right attitude, the know how on how to handle every situation with every child. So I have to wonder.....after you had kids did that attitude/view change? Do you do things differently now that you had kids ~ like use the drive thru more/less, make 2 meals because the kids will/won't eat specific things, not go to specific placesfunctions because its just not kid friendly, shop at specific places or times, etc.

I'm sure that I had some blinders on myself pre-children. I know my patience with "those children" in restaurants or grocery stores was shorter than it is now but I think I had a pretty realistic view too as I was always around younger children. As a parent I have made many mistakes and I know that not every situation is not the same (even when it seems to be) so you cannot react the same way each time.

So share your funny stories, your opinions on yourself pre/post kids or a friend/family member who you just have to take with a grain of salt every now and again.

 

[daughtersrus]

I was pretty young when I had my first DD (I was married at 22 and she was born 10months later) so I don't really think that I had the pre-children experience that most had.

I do have to say that even after having children, there were times when I thought that what some parents were doing or not doing to address their child's behavior wasn't the way that I would have done it. I never did say anything but I'm sure that I gave a look or two.

After having my youngest DD, my eyes have been opened to the world of "special needs parents". My DD does not have the behavior issues that I know many parents have to deal with so we are lucky in that respect. At first, I would have to think twice when I saw a child acting "badly" or a parent not responding the way that I would have thought that they should.

After many years of being a "special needs parent" myself, my first thought is one of understanding. Just maybe they have a child that has a disability that isn't easy to see. Maybe what I'm seeing is actually a "good" day. Of course it could be that the child is perfectly "normal" but I try really hard not to judge.

I've had people (some even family members) judge me for taking my DD some place where they don't think that she should be. I'm not talking a bar or anything like that but one occasion was at a bowling alley and another was at the mall when it was cold and snowy outside.

 

[harleyquinn]

I think about this one a lot.

I'm a children's librarian. Years ago as a newly graduated librarian, I went to a conference where they harped on the fact that the APA recommends that children under 2 get NO screen time. I took it to heart thinking this was backed by lots of research. The presenter also talked about how screen time was linked to ADHD and blah,blah...

So for a few months after the conference, I probably spoke to about 3 or 4 moms or grandmas about this...all soapboxy. "You've got a 5 month old? You want to know what DVDs are for them? NONE!!!" lol I wasn't mean or anything, but definitely a little holyier than thou.

So fast forward to a few weeks ago...my baby loves her some Clifford and Sesame Street. I still thought it was important to have her with no screen time, but now knew how ridiculous it was to think it would ever happen. I got curious about the recommendation...I had a hard time seeing what actual medical studies it was based off of, so I found a few that had real measurable data...
One study I saw concluded that children under 2 had like 6 fewer words when they were exposed to TV. I'll totally take that over a screaming child! lol
Most just concluded that there was potential for an effect but more research was needed.

I still feel like a tool.

I have a lot more patience for unruly children in the library in certain situations, but find myself actually less understanding in other situations. Things I would ignore before because I didn't feel I could relate to, now bug the crap outta me! lol

Stop shushing your 4 month old! They don't understand, and I don't care if they are loud!

 

[diznygirl]

Not me - of course! - but my SIL. Before she and her hubby had children there were things they would never do, and when they had their first they had all sorts of weird expectations: no shoes in the house at all, no TV ever, keep it quiet ALL the time, and (my fave) no Disney until they could "remember" it.

Fast forward to child number 2 and she breast feeds on speaker phone while making dinner, child number one loves Handy Manny and Bob the Builder, and they just went to Disneyland with their 3 yr old and 1 yr old.

Things sure can change!

 

[joyjoy]

Here's what I think is funny. When parents of little kids are self-righteous and know-it-all-ish to non-parents, telling them how their feelings will change when they have children themselves.... then turn right around and tell people how THEIR children will not be rude teenagers, they will NOT have a MySpace account and they will NEVER have sex before they're married! I wonder if they know the parents of teens and twenty-somethings are thinking they sound just as naive as the non-parents who comment on childrens' behavior.

Nobody knows everything and nobody can predict the future.

 

[ticktock]

I didn't really have parenting ideas before I had DS because I just avoided kids as much as possible.

I probably am MORE judgmental now. I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for this.I know what can be expected of a child, even ones with special needs, and I KNOW that you don't have to spend an hour in Target browsing while your kid screams their head off. I have sympathy for the parent who has to run into the store for milk or medicine etc. I have no sympathy, and great disgust for, the parent who lets their kid run around a restaurant so they can have a night out.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, my first dd slept through the night at 6 weeks, rarely cried, and when she started solids, LOVED everything. She also enjoyed her table food - tofu, avacado, lima beans - at whatever I gave her. This was because I was a great mom.

Then ds was born. Didn't sleep through the night or nap until ferberized at 6 months, hated all food, baby and table. He cried day and night. Ended up living on Stoffers mac and cheese for an entire year.

However, both of them were independent. This was also because I was a great mom, and didn't hover. Then my next dd was born. She cried if I left the room. She cried if a stranger looked at her. She was that kid at the birthday party sitting with mom the entire time, or with her arms wrapped around mom's legs. Playgroups were a joke.

These lessons were to prepare me for twins.

 

[mjkacmom]

Here's what I think is funny. When parents of little kids are self-righteous and know-it-all-ish to non-parents, telling them how their feelings will change when they have children themselves.... then turn right around and tell people how THEIR children will not be rude teenagers, they will NOT have a MySpace account and they will NEVER have sex before they're married! I wonder if they know the parents of teens and twenty-somethings are thinking they sound just as naive as the non-parents who comment on childrens' behavior.

Nobody knows everything and nobody can predict the future.

"Well, my child is only 3, but there is no way he's getting a cellphone before the age of 17!"

 

[locolala]

I'm sort of prekid still, but DH and I have discussed a lot of parenting stuff over the past couple of months.

We see a 7 or 8 year old laying on the floor of Target, absolutely screaming because mom won't buy her the CD she wants. I'm talking full laying on the ground spread eagle, top of her lungs shrieking. As I had seen the girl earlier in the store, communicating well and making eye contacted, there's a good chance she wasn't autistic or an aspy (I have a cousin with aspy and a cousin with autism). If that had been me, I would have been hauled up by an arm and dragged out of the store, and likely not been allowed back until I learned how to behave.

Anyhow, DH and I are going to raise our baby the same way we were both raised. If you have a tantrum in the store, we leave and you don't get to come back. If you're crying, you better have a reason for it. If you slam your door, no more door. They come off the hinges pretty quickly. If you lie about things, you lose privlidges. DH's brother lied about grades. His shoulder length hair got shaved down. DH slammed his door one too many times, he didn't have a door again until he could pay to replace it. We will occasionally spank if the situation calls for it, but there are (in my opinion) far, far worse punishments. My dad's (and DH's too) favorite punishment for not cleaning my room was that all my toys and books on the ground went into a plastic bag. I didn't see them again.

 

[minkydog]

Here's what I think is funny. When parents of little kids are self-righteous and know-it-all-ish to non-parents, telling them how their feelings will change when they have children themselves.... then turn right around and tell people how THEIR children will not be rude teenagers, they will NOT have a MySpace account and they will NEVER have sex before they're married! I wonder if they know the parents of teens and twenty-somethings are thinking they sound just as naive as the non-parents who comment on childrens' behavior.

Oh, yeah. I just loooove those parents. They're so rigid and self-righteous. I cannot tell you how many times I've been on the receiving end of their so-called advice when my DS23 was careening through his teen years. He has severe learning disabilities and bipolar disorder. How many times did I hear that I just needed to be a better parent, put my foot down, and generally just jerk a knot in his tail? Yeah, that'll work.

My sister was one of the worst. She lambasted me over and over about how I was ruining his life because i was homeschooling my son (he couldn't learn as well in school and he did brilliantly at home.) She's a music teacher who has about 144 students per week. So of course that made her an expert on children. NOT. She now has a child who has severe learning disabilities, mental illness, AND aspergers syndrome. To her credit, she did call me crying one afternoon when her child was about 7 and apologized profusely for being a stoopid idiot know-it-all and BEGGED my forgiveness. I never said I told you so. She had her own come-uppance.

 

[cheermom1]

I had my kids at 18 and 19 however I had a lot younger sis..I was 15 when she was born so i knew a few things but that didn't completely prepare me for my kids ...dd was a good baby slept through the night and such I did what my doc told me too..my ds on the other hand was the opposite and never minded at all ..now that they are teens they are reversed *sigh* ...to answer your question no I didn't think like that then as I was too young to think about it at that time and when my kids were little I didn't have time to think about as I was too busy trying to do what was right for my kids...

now I have had others tell me what they thought I should do as a parent and sometimes it was good but most of the time they were so far off base b/c they didn't know the kids or their habits...

 

[DVCLiz]

I was a MUCH better parent before I had real kids...

 

[NMAmy]

Here's what I think is funny. When parents of little kids are self-righteous and know-it-all-ish to non-parents, telling them how their feelings will change when they have children themselves.... then turn right around and tell people how THEIR children will not be rude teenagers, they will NOT have a MySpace account and they will NEVER have sex before they're married! I wonder if they know the parents of teens and twenty-somethings are thinking they sound just as naive as the non-parents who comment on childrens' behavior.

Nobody knows everything and nobody can predict the future.

I agree. Also, what works with one child may not work with the next even if they're the same age, etc. My mother chastised my niece's husband at Thanksgiving for giving me advice on what my dd should be allowed to do. DD is 19. His dd's are 6 and 4. Big difference. DD has a job and is in college and an adult. I can offer advice but I can't make her do anything.

I did a lot of babysitting growing up and my nephew and niece are only 12 and 14 years younger than I am so I think even before I had a kid, I knew that you have to be pretty flexible and able to think on your feet as a parent so I didn't offer advice to anyone else.

I know that before dd was born, I was going to be the perfect mommy that played fun games and made great, wholesome meals. Then reality set in and I realized that I didn't have to be perfect and that good enough is just fine.

 

[minkydog]

Well, my first dd slept through the night at 6 weeks, rarely cried, and when she started solids, LOVED everything. She also enjoyed her table food - tofu, avacado, lima beans - at whatever I gave her. This was because I was a great mom.

Then ds was born. Didn't sleep through the night or nap until ferberized at 6 months, hated all food, baby and table. He cried day and night. Ended up living on Stoffers mac and cheese for an entire year.

However, both of them were independent. This was also because I was a great mom, and didn't hover. Then my next dd was born. She cried if I left the room. She cried if a stranger looked at her. She was that kid at the birthday party sitting with mom the entire time, or with her arms wrapped around mom's legs. Playgroups were a joke.

These lessons were to prepare me for twins.

My second child was a dream baby. Never cried, hit all her milestones on time, cooed and smiled and generally charmed the socks off everybody. Had she been my first I would been in SHOCK when my DS23 came along--he was a high maintenance kid from the womb! nothing I ever did was right. Raising John has been like riding a bucking bronco. After him, I thought I could do anything!

and then Christian came along who never did anything on time, didn't smile, didn't want to be held, coudn't eat, screamed if you walked across the room screamed in the car, screamed if the wind blew his hair. He was a most unpleasant baby until he was about 3, when he finally learned to sit up. If John had not prepared the way I would have thought I was really a terrible mother.

3 kids, 3 different methods of parenting.

 

[kellyg403]

Yeah...the teen thing is way more where I got my come uppance. Who knew I didn't raise perfect kids to be perfect teens? I did the oh, my kids won't be like those teens...yeah right. They are all evil! Bad attitudes etc.

I will say though, how I mothered with my first was way different than the others. Really. I did everything the books told me to do with the first. Then the second, I was tired a lot and then the 3rd..and poor number 6 I think his first picture I have somewhere isn't in his baby book but from kindegarten. I just learned to relax a lot.

My sister though, always has lots and lots of advice about raising kids. Love her dearly but someday it is going to bite her big time. I tell her all the time..you need a reality check. Having an 18 year old who can not call and order a pizza because she is too shy to talk to other people over the phone is NOT normal. It isn't cute, it isn't just the way it is. Helllllooooo. My poor neice is going to college in the fall and I am scared to death for her.

Kelly

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Oh, of course I had all the parenting answers pre-kids! When I was a newlywed with one perfectly behaved little girl, I knew everything about parenting AND marriage, still!!!

Now, not only has this 3rd little guy thrown us for a loop and made us realize that maybe the first two weren't just perfect because of our parenting, but I've got a 7th grade daughter. (Who already has her ideas on how different of a mom she's going to be! ) I now know I still have no idea what I'm doing! And so far, all three kids are so different in many ways!

I do have to say though, that a lot of major things I was adamant about, I stuck to.

 

[kellyg403]

Oh, of course I had all the parenting answers pre-kids! When I was a newlywed with one perfectly behaved little girl, I knew everything about parenting AND marriage, still!!!

Now, not only has this 3rd little guy thrown us for a loop and made us realize that maybe the first two weren't just perfect because of our parenting, but I've got a 7th grade daughter. (Who already has her ideas on how different of a mom she's going to be! ) I now know I still have no idea what I'm doing! And so far, all three kids are so different in many ways!

I do have to say though, that a lot of major things I was adamant about, I stuck to.

Yeah..my older three are now married with kids. They knew for sure that when they had kids, they would prove me wrong in my sadistic parenting. Guess what...just the other day I heard dd tell my grandson who is 3.."The world does revolve around you S, you have need to learn patience'...I almost died because she is 22 and I STILL have to say it to HER.

Kelly

 

[cheermom1]

I'm sort of prekid still, but DH and I have discussed a lot of parenting stuff over the past couple of months.

We see a 7 or 8 year old laying on the floor of Target, absolutely screaming because mom won't buy her the CD she wants. I'm talking full laying on the ground spread eagle, top of her lungs shrieking. As I had seen the girl earlier in the store, communicating well and making eye contacted, there's a good chance she wasn't autistic or an aspy (I have a cousin with aspy and a cousin with autism). If that had been me, I would have been hauled up by an arm and dragged out of the store, and likely not been allowed back until I learned how to behave.

Anyhow, DH and I are going to raise our baby the same way we were both raised. If you have a tantrum in the store, we leave and you don't get to come back. If you're crying, you better have a reason for it. If you slam your door, no more door. They come off the hinges pretty quickly. If you lie about things, you lose privlidges. DH's brother lied about grades. His shoulder length hair got shaved down. DH slammed his door one too many times, he didn't have a door again until he could pay to replace it. We will occasionally spank if the situation calls for it, but there are (in my opinion) far, far worse punishments. My dad's (and DH's too) favorite punishment for not cleaning my room was that all my toys and books on the ground went into a plastic bag. I didn't see them again.

As far as the store thing and leaving sometimes you just can't do that..I live 30 min from the nearest big store (wal-mart and target) so leaving the store and coming back is not an option if you are trying to grocery shop...just saying ..however I have done this one ..take the child to the bathroom or to the car until they calm down and take care of at that time..you can't take care of it later or they won't remember to much (some will though) it all depends on the child...

although one thing that worked on my ds was when he threw a fit in the store and I was trying to shop for food, I had had enough I walked away and didn't look back. He realized that I was gone and came running and did it again, I walked away..it took about 3 times till he realized his fit wasn't working...but I will tell you that was the ONLY thing that worked ...

ps - I did make sure he was safe just to clarify...

one of my FAV. punishments is to have the kids clean the house ..they HATE to do that...and I get a clean house -now that they are teens my house seems to stay clean most of the time.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My 19 yo DSD made a comment the other day about how she would raise her children to behave, etc. etc. etc. You know, the comments that show you were a crappy parent and they have all the right answers. My other DSD30 who has a 6 yo looked at me and rolled her eyes and came back with a "Sure you will. You know everything...NOW."

I can remember when we went to White Castle with my DSD and her DD who was probably around 2.5 at the time. While waiting for DH to come back with the tray of food her DD was crawling all over the table and DSD was mortified trying to get her to stay in her seat. I asked her why she was getting so worked up (DD was cleaner than the table BTW - Blech). She said that she had planned on raising a perfect child and her DD wasn't cooperating with her. I still think back on that and laugh.

 

[Scurvy]

I probably am MORE judgmental now. I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack for this.I know what can be expected of a child, even ones with special needs, and I KNOW that you don't have to spend an hour in Target browsing while your kid screams their head off. I have sympathy for the parent who has to run into the store for milk or medicine etc. I have no sympathy, and great disgust for, the parent who lets their kid run around a restaurant so they can have a night out.

You'll get no flack from me - I agree with you completely. I was foolish enough to believe the "They're just kids, they can't help it" argument to some extent before I was a parent (and before all my classes on child development). I'm much less tolerant of badly behaved kids (and of bad parenting) now that I know what most kids are capable of. Letting your kid scream his head off for an hour while you shop is just lazy parenting, and it's selfish as well. I don't care if it's an inconvenience for you to come back later, you still shouldn't be subjecting your fellow shoppers to all the screaming.