poll: would you do it again (have kids)

[belle&beast]

I would definitely have children if I could do it again. The only thing I would change is when we had them. The first two were very planned and we thought we were done until we had a bonus baby last year- so our kids are 9, 7 and 1. If I knew we would have a 3rd, I would have had him closer in age and then maybe our bonus would be #4!

 

[lecach]

Being a Mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. And at points - mainly early on when DS woke up 4 times every night - I would have gladly given him back if I had been presented with the option. I really really really did not enjoy infancy.

Now? I can't imagine not having him in my life. I thank God for him every day.

 

[sunnyday123]

That is EXACTLY it. As much as I do love my husband--and we've been married 30 years--I think this will be my first and only marriage. i've been a caregiver for the last 15 years and frankly, i would like to lay down that load for awhile. My DH is a wonderful man and it would be very hard to find another guy like him. I'd rather live alone than compromise.

So you wouldn't remarry because you don't think you'd find someone like him, or you wouldn't want the responsibility of marriage? I'm just really trying to understand this. My marriage from day one wasn't something I saw going the distance ( I was afraid my parents would be mad after all the $$ they spent on the wedding so I just went through with it ) but I thought married people that stayed married enjoyed marriage. I've noticed ( especially people married a looong time ) a lot of people having this opinion and wonder if they all have regrets about marriage and how fulfilling it is.

 

[Magpie]

I made no implication either way about being fulfilled. I'm just saying that asking people if they would make the same choice again isn't a useful question, and gave the reasons why I thought so. Both points I made (about cognitive dissonance and memory) are backed up by numerous studies.

It's a harmless question in this context, but I still think it's important to note the blatant and obvious bias inherent here. The statistically flawed Ann Landers article aside, the majority of people will tell you they would have kids all over again simply because not doing so is so foreign as to cause them distress and because they remember the good things more prominently than the bad ones. The scale is automatically shifted drastically to one side.

I took psych courses in University as well, and I remember those studies.

The thing is, if you take them to their logical extreme, you can't trust anything ANYONE says about their personal happiness.

Happy you had children? Hah! What do YOU know? Happy you didn't have children? Well, you only remember the good things about your life and you're suppressing the bad. Your opinion is also inaccurate.

Cognitive dissonance and memory applies both ways. Yes, we have to take culture into account when people answer our questions, but when people say they're happy and they'd do it again... who are we to say they're wrong? Or deluded? Or lying to themselves?

Happiness is a complicated emotion. It's not just about a lack of conflict in your life. It's not about how often you can indulge your own whims. And it varies from person to person.

So you wouldn't remarry because you don't think you'd find someone like him, or you wouldn't want the responsibility of marriage? I'm just really trying to understand this. My marriage from day one wasn't something I saw going the distance ( I was afraid my parents would be mad after all the $$ they spent on the wedding so I just went through with it ) but I thought married people that stayed married enjoyed marriage. I've noticed ( especially people married a looong time ) a lot of people having this opinion and wonder if they all have regrets about marriage and how fulfilling it is.

Well, I've been married over 16 years and I'm still enjoying it. It's actually still getting better with each passing year. I adore my husband.

But if he died tomorrow, I'd be moving my best friend in as a roommate, because I don't like to live alone. And then, if the right man showed up, you bet I'd remarry. I told my husband so, too.

My husband is exactly the kind of man I love, but he's not completely unique. I mean, he IS unique in the sense that every human being is unique, but there's other guys out there who are enough "my type" that I could love them too. And I can't imagine being all by myself for the rest of my life. I'd be too lonely.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Without question, yes. Now, many days I want to run away from them, but only for a little while. I can't imagine my life without them. They are mostly great kids, but even great kids and drive you crazy, hence the running for a break. I love our family though, and am so thankful we have them. I have been a SAHM for 16 years, wow how different my life would have been without kids, but I am loving it so much I don't even want to imagine.

As for my DH, he is probably the only decision I am happier about then having kids. He is the very best man for me and he loves me despite my flaws. He is my best friend and there is no one I'd rather spend time with. I have been with him since I was 15. On our wedding day I thought I couldn't love him more. I was so wrong. I love him so much more now then ever. He was the best decision of my life.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes!!

Yes 110%. I feel like I won the jackpot.

Me too.

I really don't think this is a fair question. Once you have kids, they irrevesibly change your life.
I knew this women who attended our church, her son was in jail for murder, for some reason I thought she must hate her son and regret having him but she did not. She hates what he did, but she has an unending love for him and does not regret having him. she swears he has brung her more joy than imaginable. Which is very hard for me to imagine.


Now I've had days where my kids tap danced on my last nerve, so if you had asked me that question on one of those days, the answer may have been dramatically different. lol.

Each stage of parenthood has brought joys and pains but I can't imagine not having my kids.

Now if you ask me would I have been happy if I not been able to have kids, I would answer yes also.

I believe I could have been happy too. But it's relative. I wouldn't have known what I missed out on.

I have a greater appreciation for my own parents and the sacrifices they made for me. It's changed me so much for the better.