Poll: Teen doors...

[hereyago]

Yes, keep your eyes on your teens 24/7 and let us know how that works out for you,lol.

I've seen both ends of so much freedom as I did and not enough and guess what? the not enough freedom found out ways to meet her boyfriend(who her parents didnt' even know about -they thought they had that much power over her ,create a baby, get an abortion and her parents to this day still have no idea.

 

[Missy1961]

When somebody says that a teen would never be allowed to shut their own bedroom door - does that mean that they are NEVER allowed any alone time? I mean, outside of the obvious toileting and bathing because I assume they are allowed those, but maybe I'm wrong there too because there's probably razor blades in those bathrooms.

Are they allowed to keep a journal or speak to friends without Mom listening in? I mean, they might be discussing S-E-X or talking something R-rated. If Mom feels the need to keep them under surveillance while they do their homework and watch tv in their own bedrooms at 6:30pm on a Tuesday night, I'm guessing she's going to want access to ALL their private thoughts for "their own good." Do they get to close their bedroom doors while they sleep or maybe Mom and Dad just never uninstalled the video baby monitor??????

That just seems so incredibly unhealthy to me and to tell you the truth more than a little creepy. I'm glad I didn't grow up with a Mom who wouldn't trust me to be alone behind a closed door. All kids and teens need some privacy and independence to some extent. What kid doesn't glorify their big mads by stomping off to their bedrooms and shutting that door at just the right amount of loudness that will get their I.AM.PISSED! point across but not bring Mom down on their butt for slamming the door. It's an art.

Is their first taste of "alone" going to happen as an adult? ... college?
.... in their twenties????

Love your post!

And I will admit to being the queen of the I AM PISSED door slamming when I was a teen, LOL.

 

[Tara922c]

Unless my dd gives me a reason not to trust her, she will be allowed to be in her room with the door closed. She can't have boys in her room at all, so the door thing wont apply there. I mean really, if they are going to do something "bad" they are going to find a way to do it. I don't want my dd to feel that she can't change in her room, dance in front of the mirror, have a private converstation, ect. If you don't give your child any privacy or any space, I feel, they are most likely to rebel.

 

[ChristmasElf]

I guess I will be in the minority here and say that yes I let my 19 year old college age daughter go in her room with her boyfriend and close the door.

DH and I look at it this way. She is 19 years old and in college but happens to want to live at home. Her boyfriend is 21 and also in college but lives in a dorm.
They spend the majority of their time here hanging out, having dinner, watching movies, studying and I'm sure more than that.

1. They clearly do love each other
2. At this age, nothing we say in the long run will keep them apart-what they don't do here, they could always do at the dorm.
3. They are both very serious about graduating on time and often talk about their future together.

Maybe others would disagree with this, but too bad so sad.

*wanted to add that dd wasn't even allowed to date until she graduated high school. So in less than a year we went from one extreme to the other I guess.

 

[pacrosby]

I guess I will be in the minority here and say that yes I let my 19 year old college age daughter go in her room with her boyfriend and close the door.

DH and I look at it this way. She is 19 years old and in college but happens to want to live at home. Her boyfriend is 21 and also in college but lives in a dorm.
They spend the majority of their time here hanging out, having dinner, watching movies, studying and I'm sure more than that.

1. They clearly do love each other
2. At this age, nothing we say in the long run will keep them apart-what they don't do here, they could always do at the dorm.
3. They are both very serious about graduating on time and often talk about their future together.

Maybe others would disagree with this, but too bad so sad.

*wanted to add that dd wasn't even allowed to date until she graduated high school. So in less than a year we went from one extreme to the other I guess.

I can't imagine being a teenager and wanting to do much of anything with my boyfriend with my parents downstairs/in the next room. A closed door wouldn't have been privacy enough for me.

And for similar reasons I wouldn't want my child doing that either. It's not so much about trying to fool myself into believing it will keep it from happening as much as setting boundaries. I know they'll swear too but don't want them swearing around me. I know they'll get drunk too but don't want them getting drunk around me. Not every activity is appropriate in every environment. And getting your groove on in my house while I'm there..........in my book that qualifies as inappropriate.

That said....your house, your rules.

 

[goofy4tink]

I guess I will be in the minority here and say that yes I let my 19 year old college age daughter go in her room with her boyfriend and close the door.

DH and I look at it this way. She is 19 years old and in college but happens to want to live at home. Her boyfriend is 21 and also in college but lives in a dorm.
They spend the majority of their time here hanging out, having dinner, watching movies, studying and I'm sure more than that.

1. They clearly do love each other
2. At this age, nothing we say in the long run will keep them apart-what they don't do here, they could always do at the dorm.
3. They are both very serious about graduating on time and often talk about their future together.

Maybe others would disagree with this, but too bad so sad.

*wanted to add that dd wasn't even allowed to date until she graduated high school. So in less than a year we went from one extreme to the other I guess.

Obviously each family must set parameters that work best for their family. My family rule was always 'no people of the opposite sex in the bedroom area...period'. I lived at home for part of my college time. And no, my boyfriend wasn't allowed in my bedroom. Same rules for my house now. I have an 18 y/o dd who isn't allowed to have any guys in the upstairs...at all. And she has some guys that are just friends...and still, they stay downstairs.

You're absolutely right....they can find someplace else to do whatever it is they are doing in dd's bedroom. But.....by the same token, they could be doing lots of things outside the home that you certainly wouldn't want them doing anywhere!!! So, would you allow that in your home??

I know that when my dd has a steady boyfriend, and he is visiting her, here at home, they will not share a bedroom for overnight visits. I am fully aware of what is happening at school. But, it's a question of respect. It's not happening under my roof.

This is your business, and your business only, but....you say you didn't allow your dd to date until after high school, and now, a short year or so later, you are allowing her to have her boyfriend in her bedroom?? That truly is extreme!!

 

[DawnM]

My 14 year old doesn't have his own room. We have offered to shuffle things around and let him have the guest room but so far, he likes sharing a room and says, "We only sleep in here."

So, this isn't an issue at the moment.

 

[shortbun]

I'm a huge helicopter parent and my son shuts his door all the time. He's 16. He and his friends go to the basement and shut that door too. I would not allow a girlfriend in his bedroom alone with the door shut in deference to her and her parents but I trust my son completely. He's never caused my trust to waiver and I doubt he ever will. He's boring, lol, and I'm glad. I was a wild child and got away with murder, mayhem and yes-sex right under my parent's nose, so I am anything but naive. When my girlfriend found a fake ID in her son's pants pocket and began rationalizing that he must have needed it for something other than drinking, I asked her if she wanted me to smak her into rational thought. That child has lost his driving privileges(thus no drinking and driving) and has had his other social events severely curtailed. He admitted to drinking-duh! So-as a parent, if it walks and quacks like a duck...it's a duck; don't be naive. But, if you've got a teen deserving of trust, certainly give it to them.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I guess I will be in the minority here and say that yes I let my 19 year old college age daughter go in her room with her boyfriend and close the door.

DH and I look at it this way. She is 19 years old and in college but happens to want to live at home. Her boyfriend is 21 and also in college but lives in a dorm.
They spend the majority of their time here hanging out, having dinner, watching movies, studying and I'm sure more than that.

1. They clearly do love each other
2. At this age, nothing we say in the long run will keep them apart-what they don't do here, they could always do at the dorm.
3. They are both very serious about graduating on time and often talk about their future together.

Maybe others would disagree with this, but too bad so sad.

*wanted to add that dd wasn't even allowed to date until she graduated high school. So in less than a year we went from one extreme to the other I guess.

that makes sense - and again it is different for every family - your DD is 19 and in college, My own parents rules for me changed once I was in college at 17. I was on my own a great deal of the time living in a dorm, they considered me an adult, I had proven myself to them by that time. It would not have been even thought of before that.

by the time I met DH - I was 21 - we were allowed in the same room. Of course there was no way anything was going to happen with my mom in the house.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Really? No, Obviously I wouldn't want her to keep the bathroom door open. I just don't think a closed bedroom door is ideal. Opinions differ, it doesn't mean DD will rebel or that i'm being controlling. There are other places to place trust and grow independence. There is however such a thing as too much freedom and I don't want to set her up for failure.

 

[LilyWDW]

Really? No, Obviously I wouldn't want her to keep the bathroom door open. I just don't think a closed bedroom door is ideal. Opinions differ, it doesn't mean DD will rebel or that i'm being controlling. There are other places to place trust and grow independence. There is however such a thing as too much freedom and I don't want to set her up for failure.

So... those of us that were allowed to close doors were set up for failure?

How is it not ideal? How does it set her up for failure? How is it too much freedom?

 

[pacrosby]

So... those of us that were allowed to close doors were set up for failure?

How is it not ideal? How does it set her up for failure? How is it too much freedom?

Why do people always feel the need to take everything so personally? Isn't someone able to have a difference of opinion? And isn't it ok to explain why they have the opinion they do?


While I understand the parents who say 'I trust them and will until there is no reason not to", I aso understand those who say "I'm not willing to take a chance". There isn't just one way. Often times the decisions one makes as a parent has a lot to do with their own experiences as a child. You simply can't tell someone who has intimate knowledge of of the risks to just ignore them. We all do the best we can. Good grief.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

The closed door is similar to the internet. You don't really know whats on the other side you just have to hope you're not being lied too.

I will choose to know what i can about what is going on in my home. .

You can trust and believe, and hope that your child is doing nothing wrong behind the closed door but that's just it, it's behind a closed door so do you really know?

Yes, trust is indeed gained but you still never really know. take for example the poster who was having sex while her parents were downstairs. Someone mentioned skyping- you never really KNOW what they are skpying about or who. Yes I know it sounds paranoid but i'd rather be a bit over protective a bit paranoid than to think like many and say" oh well I trust my child , they would never do ___________". I find those tend to be the kids that do everything under the sun and the parents are either lied to or in denial. Teens all do or participate in something their parents might not look highly on. It's a time of self discovery i just want her to be safe.

 

[sam_gordon]

The closed door is similar to the internet. You don't really know whats on the other side you just have to hope you're not being lied too.

I will choose to know.

You can trust and believe, and hope that your child is doing nothing wrong behind the closed door but that's just it, it's behind a closed door so do you really know?

Yes, trust is indeed gained but you still never really know. take for example the poster who was having sex while her parents were downstairs. Someone mentioned skyping- you never really KNOW what they are skpying about or who. Yes I know it sounds paranoid but i'd rather be a bit over protective a bit paranoid than to think like many and say" oh well I trust my child , they would never do ___________". I find those tend to be the kids that do everything under the sun and the parents are either lied to or in denial.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion and you should raise your daughter how you want to. That being said though, I think you are being more than a "bit" over protective.

My DD(13) rides the bus home after school. She's home alone for at least two hours. There are two computers, her cellphone, and her ipod touch all at her availability. Am I concerned about what she's doing? Yes. Do I stress over it? No. Do I tell her "stay off all devices while you're home alone"? No.
DW & I have to hope that we've taught her right from wrong (and the lessons have sunk in).

And you are correct that some parents don't think their kids will do _____ and of course the kids do (it was even pointed out in this thread). But there are also an equal amount of cases where parents tighten down the "rules" so much on their kids that the first chance they get to "let loose" they go to the other extreme.

ETA: You're also correct that you don't really know what your kid is doing behind closed doors. But unless you are going to be a true "helicopter" parent, you won't REALLY know what your kid is doing when they're out of your sight. What about when they are at school (and don't believe for a moment that teachers see/hear everything)?

How many teens have said to themselves "I'll never treat my kids the way my parents treat me", and then when THEY become parents, they do the exact same thing. IIRC, you have at least 10 years before your DD becomes a teen. I wouldn't make any absolute rules right now of how you'll act a decade from now. Just a suggestion.

 

[Lorelei Lee]

The closed door is similar to the internet.

You can trust and believe, and hope that your child is doing nothing wrong behind the closed door but that's just it, it's behind a closed door so do you really know?

Yes, trust is indeed gained but you still never really know. take for example the poster who was having sex while her parents were downstairs. Someone mentioned skyping- you never really KNOW what they are skpying about or who. Yes I know it sounds paranoid but i'd rather be a bit over protective a bit paranoid than to think like many and say" oh well I trust my child , they would never do ___________". I find those tend to be the kids that do everything under the sun and the parents are either lied to or in denial.

I had rules for my kids. Reasonable rules. Didn't know what they were doing every minute of every day but they turned out ok. One is a senior at a prestigious New England college, the other at a prestigious NYC university. I have a good relationship with them, have a fairly good idea of what they're into. Mine wouldn't have had a boyfriend sleeping over because I checked on them, unlike the mother of that poster.

Unless you plan to supervise you teenager 24/7/365. . .homeschool her, not allow her to participate in extracurricular activities or visit friends outside your presense, not allow her a cell phone, you cannot possibly know what she's doing every minute of every day.

In my experience, a teenager without a sense of privacy or a sense that her parents trust her is the one who will rebel. And this is the child most at risk, because she never learned how to excercise good judgment or make the right decisions.

It is good to have an idea of what your values are, but to say with all certainty what your toddler will be doing as a teen . . .

 

[pacrosby]

In my experience, a teenager without a sense of privacy or a sense that her parents trust her is the one who will rebel. And this is the child most at risk, because she never learned how to excercise good judgment or make the right decisions.

.

For every story about the overprotected child who went out and exercised poor judgement, there's a story about the overly trusted child who went out and exercised poor judgement. We all tend to give the most credence to those stories that support our own point of view. It's human nature.

The bedroom is not the be all end all for everyone. In our house, bedrooms are for sleeping, period. They house beds and furniture for one's clothes. No tv's, no video games, no toys, no computers. Kids play in the playroom. They read in the livingroom or music room. They do their homework in the kitchen. When friends come over they would never even think about going up to their rooms.....they head outside or downstairs or to the family room. The house is large enough that there are plenty of places to go for privacy and quiet time if so desired. And those rooms don't have doors. Somehow I think they will be fine though. Go figure?

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

For every story about the overprotected child who went out and exercised poor judgement, there's a story about the overly trusted child who went out and exercised poor judgement. We all tend to give the most credence to those stories that support our own point of view. It's human nature.

The bedroom is not the be all end all for everyone. In our house, bedrooms are for sleeping, period. They house beds and furniture for one's clothes. No tv's, no video games, no toys, no computers. Kids play in the playroom. They read in the livingroom or music room. They do their homework in the kitchen. When friends come over they would never even think about going up to their rooms.....they head outside or downstairs or to the family room. The house is large enough that there are plenty of places to go for privacy and quiet time if so desired. And those rooms don't have doors. Somehow I think they will be fine though. Go figure?

 

[Sorsha]

For every story about the overprotected child who went out and exercised poor judgement, there's a story about the overly trusted child who went out and exercised poor judgement. We all tend to give the most credence to those stories that support our own point of view. It's human nature.

The bedroom is not the be all end all for everyone. In our house, bedrooms are for sleeping, period. They house beds and furniture for one's clothes. No tv's, no video games, no toys, no computers. Kids play in the playroom. They read in the livingroom or music room. They do their homework in the kitchen. When friends come over they would never even think about going up to their rooms.....they head outside or downstairs or to the family room. The house is large enough that there are plenty of places to go for privacy and quiet time if so desired. And those rooms don't have doors. Somehow I think they will be fine though. Go figure?

To each their own, and if this is what works for your family, more power to you.

But this would have made me so sad as a child, and even now as an adult, I can't imagine it! My bedroom is my sanctuary! It where I can decorate as I see fit, where I can go crawl in bed and watch a TV program that no one else wants to watch, where I can put myself, with my stuff, when I need a little peace and quiet.

As a child, it was where MY things were (things I didn't want my bratty brother and his rotten friends to be able to touch), it was where I could hang posters of my favorite rock stars, it was where I could read quietly or do my homework without the disruption of the daily house, it was where I kept my collections and my notes from friends and my special private things. Yes I had friends in there, and oh HECK yeah we shut the door. Little brother right next door did the same thing, and god forbid *I* trespassed on *his* personal space either.

A child/teen is a person too, and they deserve the same right to privacy and personal space as an adult does. Why is in the world does everything except sleeping and bathroom activities have to be a community affair?

Maybe its just the way I grew up; we here in the rural areas of the Northwest value our privacy and personal space. We all have our own personal "bubble", and heaven help you if you intrude. "Leave us alone and let us have our privacy" is our unofficial motto, and we believe that holds true for the young ones as well.

 

[pacrosby]

To each their own, and if this is what works for your family, more power to you.

That was kind of my point. And silly me, I actually thought you meant it, until you said this:

A child/teen is a person too, and they deserve the same right to privacy and personal space as an adult does. Why is in the world does everything except sleeping and bathroom activities have to be a community affair?

Who said they are not a person too? Who said they didn't have a right to privacy? What a leap.

In my house that's just the way it is. I suppose they would go up to their rooms and read or do their homework or just hang out if they WANTED to. But our house is large enough and has enough other comfortable places to spread out and relax that they choose not to. I suppose they would ask if their friends could come upstairs if they WANTED to. But it's a lot more fun outside, or in the basement, or in the family room. A 4000+ square foot house has a lot of places to hide. Maybe they prefer to read on a big comfy chaise by a fireplace. Maybe they prefer to spread out their homework on the kitchen island. Maybe it's more fun to hang with their friends in a large playroom or family room or on an acre backyard with a trampoline and a tennis court and open grassy field than holed up in the confines of a 12 by 14 ft room. Maybe they'd actually prefer to be with their family than all by themselves. It has nothing to do with "making" everything a community affair.

My children's rooms are in fact beautifully decorated to their taste. They are most definately personal spaces that they feel comfortable in. They are great places to retire to at the end of the day, and great places to wake up in in the morning. But in our house I guess we just don't feel the need to shut ourselves off from the rest of the family during the day. My husband and I don't do it either. So somehow now that's unhealthy? Ummmmm.....what happened to 'to each their own'?

 

[Sorsha]

That was kind of my point. And silly me, I actually thought you meant it, until you said this:

<<snip>>

Who said they are not a person too? Who said they didn't have a right to privacy? What a leap.

No, I really did mean it. I am all about doing what works for your family.

BUT in the case of a PP, her child(ren) would not ever be allowed to be alone in their rooms, with the door closed, even if they wanted to. Hence, they do NOT have the right to privacy in their rooms. I wasn't speaking directly about you.

So, no "leap" required.