Poll: Japanese First Date

[denisem]

In real life, if we don't like a person, we avoid them. We decide to not be friends with them. In real life, a bully might mock that person, sometimes publicly. But I think we can agree that usually we stay away from people we don't like.

Not sure why, but online, the rules are different. When someone comes along we don't like, instead of avoiding any threads they post on, we are drawn to those threads. Drawn to it to the point that we look to make that poster out to be a fool.

I personally try to behave the same way offline and online. I am shocked by the number of people who are trying to ridicule the OP. Do you do that to people in real life? Why not leave her alone if her posts bother you? I know, we are all free to do as we choose and I can avoid YOUR posts if they bother me.

Just making an observation.

IRL, if I don't like a person, yes, I can avoid them...UNLESS they have asked for advice (as the OP has done). I would be as upfront offline as I am online.

But I don't see anyone as ridiculing, making a fool of or disliking this poster. They have offered thoughtful, constructive advice over the years.

I think what you see as "ridicule" is people pointing out the OP doesn't take advice well...she seems to be proud of being "stubborn", continuing on the same path and expecting different results. I lurk here often and even I was surprised this was going on as long as it has (thanks, mrzrich!)

Using your preferred method (ignoring/stop being friends) might work for you. I prefer to communicate with people - thank goodness, I have loved ones that tell me when I'm being stubborn/stupid and vice-versa. It allows us to examine our actions and make changes.

Likewise, maybe (just maybe!) someone's post will touch a chord within her to change-up her game plan and she will find what she's searching for.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Holy moly.

You miss a couple of days, you miss a mile.

I once again would like to ask what you guys want me to do to "prove" that this whole thing isn't a sham. I would be happy to. The fact that there are people on here that think this story is somehow fabricated blows my mind.

Can someone, anyone, please point out a post from THIS thread where I have been ignoring advice or said someone is wrong. Any post where I've said, "You know, thanks for the advice, but no thanks." Any at all? I think I have this reputation, but it is kind of hard to break out of a reputation when people are always assuming that you will be a certain way. Any post that I've blatantly said, "Sorry, I'm not taking your advice"...am I wrong here?

Isn't a date a part of the process of maturing? Of getting that experience? Your complaint is that I am somehow backwards (I'd agree) and stunted in my experience, and yet here I am, TRYING to get life experience. How is the answer to "How do I get more life experience?" "You have to get more life experience!"?

Yes, I wore the ring. I currently wear the ring on my right hand, and have ever since that thread in 2008 or whenever it was. I took your guys' advice on the hibachi chicken. I took your guys' advice on the shoes, and switched them out for a nicer pair of boots. I took your guys' advice on a cool new outfit (currently wearing a pair of dark denim jeans with the striped cardigan, a cream top, and the robot necklace) All the other advice was on stuff AFTER the fact. You should have done this...you should have said that...you should have had this conversation with him. Now, I know for future reference. And, all that advice was wonderful. But...like I said...it was after the fact.

The one piece of advice you SHOULD have given me: Don't let him borrow your favorite Mary Poppins DVD.

 

[cabanafrau]

Holy moly.

You miss a couple of days, you miss a mile.

I once again would like to ask what you guys want me to do to "prove" that this whole thing isn't a sham. I would be happy to. The fact that there are people on here that think this story is somehow fabricated blows my mind.

Can someone, anyone, please point out a post from THIS thread where I have been ignoring advice or said someone is wrong. Any post where I've said, "You know, thanks for the advice, but no thanks." Any at all? I think I have this reputation, but it is kind of hard to break out of a reputation when people are always assuming that you will be a certain way. Any post that I've blatantly said, "Sorry, I'm not taking your advice"...am I wrong here?

Isn't a date a part of the process of maturing? Of getting that experience? Your complaint is that I am somehow backwards (I'd agree) and stunted in my experience, and yet here I am, TRYING to get life experience. How is the answer to "How do I get more life experience?" "You have to get more life experience!"?

Yes, I wore the ring. I currently wear the ring on my right hand, and have ever since that thread in 2008 or whenever it was. I took your guys' advice on the hibachi chicken. I took your guys' advice on the shoes, and switched them out for a nicer pair of boots. I took your guys' advice on a cool new outfit (currently wearing a pair of dark denim jeans with the striped cardigan, a cream top, and the robot necklace) All the other advice was on stuff AFTER the fact. You should have done this...you should have said that...you should have had this conversation with him. Now, I know for future reference. And, all that advice was wonderful. But...like I said...it was after the fact.

The one piece of advice you SHOULD have given me: Don't let him borrow your favorite Mary Poppins DVD.

Okay. I was with you all the way . . . until your last addendum. That feels like bait to me. That may be my issue & all on me. So be it.

You want to know what will help you with dating, life experience, whathaveyou, read what you just wrote & then carefully consider that last sentence you tossed on there. It's offputting. Those types of things may be sabotaging you IRL. Just being honest, no intention to be hurtful. You're free to say, bite me, you're a mean old hag who doesn't know what she's talking about. You may be right.

 

[carriemd]

You took the easy advice. You didn't take the most important advice: figure out how to get what you want out of life without attention seeking behaviors on Disney message boards. Seek therapy. Move out of your parents' house. Grow up. And before anyone accuses, I'm not at all criticizing your opinions about sex; I'm criticizing your notions about life in general.
Yes, I am being harsh. And I fully expect this post to be ignored.
Good luck finding what you want.

 

[skylizard]

You took the easy advice. You didn't take the most important advice: figure out how to get what you want out of life without attention seeking behaviors on Disney message boards. Seek therapy. Move out of your parents' house. Grow up. And before anyone accuses, I'm not at all criticizing your opinions about sex; I'm criticizing your notions about life in general.
Yes, I am being harsh. And I fully expect this post to be ignored.
Good luck finding what you want.

You're not wrong. The truth isn't always easy to hear.

Mmackeymouse - go seek therapy! It's for your own good!

 

[TheIncredibles!]

You took the easy advice. You didn't take the most important advice: figure out how to get what you want out of life without attention seeking behaviors on Disney message boards. Seek therapy. Move out of your parents' house. Grow up. And before anyone accuses, I'm not at all criticizing your opinions about sex; I'm criticizing your notions about life in general.
Yes, I am being harsh. And I fully expect this post to be ignored.
Good luck finding what you want.

Agreed. OP like I said a few pages back. You want to come across as inexperienced not immature. Unfortunately you are coming across as immature.

Have you ever looked into moving out of your parents home? Finding an apartment with a friend and trying to live a fully independant life? It's hard to gain experience in ALL areas of life if you are living the life of a teen. It's great that you went on a date, you got some experience, got some great advice afterwards. You need to be aggressive in your life changes if you want to move on to the next step.

There have been some really snarky comments made out of frustration, there have been some harsh truths but honestly for the most part it comes out of wanting to ghelp guide somebody we see floundering. Life is too short to waste a single second of it. Please keep moving forward.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP, I agree that you are only taking the most superficial of advice and totally ignoring (or making excises as to why you do not need) the more serious, likely to be truly helpful stuff.

People have been telling you to get therapy since 2008, for a reason. You have been flat out refusing to consider the idea for almost as long (while being really disrespectful to those who do go to therapy BTW--especially back in that first thread).

I also agree that you come across as immature and unrealistic instead of just inexperienced (there is a BIG difference) and you have to work on that if you actually want to get anywhere.

I am sad to say that I actually think you have moved backwards since those early threads. In those you could admit to having unrealistic expectations and being insecure. Now you seem to have dug in your heels and refuse to see that you have issues to work on.

You also seem to be playing up the naive, innocent, too pure to understand anything act much more in the last few threads than you were back then. It is like you are falling deeper and deeper into playing the "roll" of who you think you ought to be, or what you think makes your lack of experience "virtuous" or something.

I really do implore you to move out on your own (and if you truly have NO option to go and meet people in your town, truly no book group at the library or coffee shop or anything, move to another town) and seek therapy. Is there ever a point in which you will listen to the hundreds of posts telling you just that?

 

[FireDancer]

I remember a bunch of excuses for not going out and getting involved in some social groups to improve your social skills and meet more people. You won't meet new people if you don't interact with new people in new places. If you are in a small town living with your parents move out and go somewhere bigger. If that isn't an option move far enough away that the places you frequent like coffee shops and grocery stores change.

Three are countless social groups around me and include everything from book clubs to drinking clubs. Try to find some near you.

 

[carriemd]

And I'll state for what it's worth that I have been in therapy for about a year, so I know of what I speak. I resisted it, never because of the stigma or because I didn't think I needed it, but because it seemed like such a painful thing to go through every week or two. And it is. I still can't get through a session without crying at some point (and I'm pretty normal, no major trauma or reason for being emotional, it's just a cathartic experience). But it's so worth it.
I think nearly everyone can benefit from therapy, but some of us NEED it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh, and I forgot to say that I do not find Mzrich's action of pulling up prior threads by the OP posted on this very board to be at all stalkerish or bullying--that is just staying informed about a poster with a long history. It is not like she looked up the poster'S name or dating profiles or any thing not posted by the OP right on the DIS.

Were posts erased that said that was the case or are people just assuming that accusations will come later.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Oh, and I forgot to say that I do not find Mzrich's action of pulling up prior threads by the OP posted on this very board to be at all stalkerish or bullying--that is just staying informed about a poster with a long history. It is not like she looked up the poster'S name or dating profiles or any thing not posted by the OP right on the DIS. Were posts erased that said that was the case or are people just assuming that accusations will come later.

No, posts have not been erased. Just going off prior threads where bringing up a notorious poster's past threads have resulted in another poster jumping to their defense and calling the detective a stalker or a bully.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Okay, I just want to put out there one thing. Those of you saying therapy, therapy, therapy...you guys are doing an awful lot of assuming.

Just because I haven't come on here and made some grand announcement, doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been seeing someone.

For what it's worth, I HAVE been seeing someone since October of last year. I didn't necessarily think it was relevant. I am curious to see what her reaction to this situation will be.

Therapy is a very personal, very private thing to me. My closest dearest friends don't know. My sister doesn't know. My boss doesn't know. So, forgive me for not being like, "Hey guess what guys...!"

 

[NFLDERS]

Mary Poppins!

 

[carriemd]

Okay, I just want to put out there one thing. Those of you saying therapy, therapy, therapy...you guys are doing an awful lot of assuming.

Just because I haven't come on here and made some grand announcement, doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been seeing someone.

For what it's worth, I HAVE been seeing someone since October of last year. I didn't necessarily think it was relevant. I am curious to see what her reaction to this situation will be.

Therapy is a very personal, very private thing to me. My closest dearest friends don't know. My sister doesn't know. My boss doesn't know. So, forgive me for not being like, "Hey guess what guys...!"

Understandable, and I apologize for assuming. For perspective about privacy, though, reference previous posts. It wouldn't be out of character for you to post that info, considering what you have shared.

 

[skatalite]

Holy moly.

You miss a couple of days, you miss a mile.

I once again would like to ask what you guys want me to do to "prove" that this whole thing isn't a sham. I would be happy to. The fact that there are people on here that think this story is somehow fabricated blows my mind.

Can someone, anyone, please point out a post from THIS thread where I have been ignoring advice or said someone is wrong. Any post where I've said, "You know, thanks for the advice, but no thanks." Any at all? I think I have this reputation, but it is kind of hard to break out of a reputation when people are always assuming that you will be a certain way. Any post that I've blatantly said, "Sorry, I'm not taking your advice"...am I wrong here?

Isn't a date a part of the process of maturing? Of getting that experience? Your complaint is that I am somehow backwards (I'd agree) and stunted in my experience, and yet here I am, TRYING to get life experience. How is the answer to "How do I get more life experience?" "You have to get more life experience!"?

Yes, I wore the ring. I currently wear the ring on my right hand, and have ever since that thread in 2008 or whenever it was. I took your guys' advice on the hibachi chicken. I took your guys' advice on the shoes, and switched them out for a nicer pair of boots. I took your guys' advice on a cool new outfit (currently wearing a pair of dark denim jeans with the striped cardigan, a cream top, and the robot necklace) All the other advice was on stuff AFTER the fact. You should have done this...you should have said that...you should have had this conversation with him. Now, I know for future reference. And, all that advice was wonderful. But...like I said...it was after the fact.

The one piece of advice you SHOULD have given me: Don't let him borrow your favorite Mary Poppins DVD.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Okay, I just want to put out there one thing. Those of you saying therapy, therapy, therapy...you guys are doing an awful lot of assuming.

Just because I haven't come on here and made some grand announcement, doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been seeing someone.

For what it's worth, I HAVE been seeing someone since October of last year. I didn't necessarily think it was relevant. I am curious to see what her reaction to this situation will be.

Therapy is a very personal, very private thing to me. My closest dearest friends don't know. My sister doesn't know. My boss doesn't know. So, forgive me for not being like, "Hey guess what guys...!"

Well, I am very glad to read that!

As for why I assumed you were not in therapy: you have posted several times before that you WILL not go and have no interest in it at all, it is not for you, etc. Also, you post tons of personal details about yourself; so it would stand to reason that if you took this advice that was offered to you so often here that would would likely post that as relevant information.


and, yes, what DID you mean about the Mary Poppins DVD?

Did you loan it to this man on your first date? Seems kind of odd if you do not know if you will want to see him again.

Did he ask to borrow it before the date? That is just a weird pre date conversation IMO.

Did you take it with you to give him just at random?

Do you honestly think anyone should have thought about the possibility that you would randomly loan items to a first date and warned you that that would tie you to him even if you ended up not wanting to go out again? Because, I mean really, who wouldn't realize that and keep all their belongings anyway?

 

[denisem]

Okay, I just want to put out there one thing. Those of you saying therapy, therapy, therapy...you guys are doing an awful lot of assuming.

Just because I haven't come on here and made some grand announcement, doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been seeing someone.

For what it's worth, I HAVE been seeing someone since October of last year. I didn't necessarily think it was relevant. I am curious to see what her reaction to this situation will be.

Therapy is a very personal, very private thing to me. My closest dearest friends don't know. My sister doesn't know. My boss doesn't know. So, forgive me for not being like, "Hey guess what guys...!"

Good for you! Shoot, I've been in therapy during several difficult periods of my life and found it invaluable. I DO hope you'll discuss your date and particularly your reluctance in stating your preferences re: choosing what to order, the touching and kiss goodnight. I'm no prude (hey, I'm old enough to be your mama and came of age in the swinging 70's ) but men touched me on MY terms, not theirs.

And I respect your moral compass, even though it's not mine...have you considered using a Christian dating site as suggested? I think that might be a better fit in "putting on the table" so to speak. Or is that another thing too personal to share?

I also agree with finding a social aspect related to your interests. You say you live in a small town, how far to the next largest city? Once a week shouldn't be a hardship. Take a night class? I took a real estate class once and met a ton of men.

Mary Poppins??? I'm curious, too, is this an example of your quirky sense of humor or for real?

 

[goofyintoronto]

stupid internet...double post. sorry folks. see below.

 

[cabanafrau]

Okay, I just want to put out there one thing. Those of you saying therapy, therapy, therapy...you guys are doing an awful lot of assuming.

Just because I haven't come on here and made some grand announcement, doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been seeing someone.

For what it's worth, I HAVE been seeing someone since October of last year. I didn't necessarily think it was relevant. I am curious to see what her reaction to this situation will be.

Therapy is a very personal, very private thing to me. My closest dearest friends don't know. My sister doesn't know. My boss doesn't know. So, forgive me for not being like, "Hey guess what guys...!"

I think your instinct about keeping this private, especially in real life, is a very good thing for now. I suspect you are in a situation where you are caught in a loop with family and close friends, in effect playing your long established role and it's difficult to break out of. I believe I mentioned that very early on in this thread. I'm not at all suggesting that therapy is in any way something you should be ashamed of.

As far as being open here, if you can stand up to the torches and pitchforks and winnow through it all to get the good bits, how open you are is entirely up to you. My preference is generally more discretion, but that's my style. I've challenged you and asked you questions. The questions aren't really for me to get an answer, but for you to think about for yourself. For all I care give me a rude gesture, tell me off, doesn't bother me. I may be hard, but I'm trying to get you to genuinely examine things for yourself and be honest with yourself.

Now for the hard bits -- I do wish you'd deeply explore several things you've shared here, and your responses to people giving you well intentioned advice with your counselor. Your first response today is a perfect example of something I'm talking about. That Mary Poppins line was definitely thrown in to get a reaction, on many levels. No fooling, that inclination to put that out here can probably lead to some seriously good insights into why you're struggling with some things and why you may have some difficulties socially, including as it pertains to dating situations.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Okay, I just want to put out there one thing. Those of you saying therapy, therapy, therapy...you guys are doing an awful lot of assuming.

Just because I haven't come on here and made some grand announcement, doesn't mean I HAVEN'T been seeing someone.

For what it's worth, I HAVE been seeing someone since October of last year. I didn't necessarily think it was relevant. I am curious to see what her reaction to this situation will be.

Therapy is a very personal, very private thing to me. My closest dearest friends don't know. My sister doesn't know. My boss doesn't know. So, forgive me for not being like, "Hey guess what guys...!"

Good for you for seeking therapy. I hope it helps you. Good luck.