POLL: Honey, you're fat.

[tlbwriter]

I am the same way as you are. I take pride in staying in shape and don't want to "let myself go". When I was expecting our little one, I told DH that, if I started to look dumpy post-baby, I'd appreciate it if he told me so I could work on it. I told him I wouldn't be mad. Thankfully, with nursing, I lost the baby weight really fast and was back into my pre-baby clothes. So far, he hasn't needed to say anything to me but, if I start sliding, I'm glad to know he'll let me know.

Of course, this just applies to me.

It's interesting to me that you believe you won't be able to tell if you're looking dumpy, and that you'd need his input.

 

[ckay87]

Maybe because the other person doesn't realize it? Denial?

Because you are partners, and partners don't wait for their loved ones to ask for help, and this is help. Obesity kills.

If I noticed a lump in one of my wife's breasts or a new mole on her body, should I ignore it because she has a mirror and a brain?

"Honey, did you see this mole?"
"Honey, did you see you're fat?"

I mean, if we're comparing the two scenerios equally.

And honestly....honestly....if you're talking about true obesity (which kills), the person in question would notice that quite a bit more readily than a mole or a lump.

I know everyone is different and I KNOW I have a problem taking criticism or even advice. There is my concession. But if my DH pointed out if I had a weight problem, my first reaction would be "how stupid do you think I am?" But that's just me.

 

[metalis4ever]

Wouldn't bother me at all unless it wasn't true. I was a fat kid 6 months ago and I needed to be told that I was getting out of hand or I wouldn't have changed anything. As a result I lost 50 pounds over the past 6 months and look and feel better than ever. So now I get compliments

 

[tlbwriter]

Wouldn't bother me at all unless it wasn't true. I was a fat kid 6 months ago and I needed to be told that I was getting out of hand or I wouldn't have changed anything.

Because you didn't know you were fat?

 

[metalis4ever]

Because you didn't know you were fat?

No because I didn't care....I cared once someone said to me that I was looking a little big.

 

[Aisling]

It's interesting to me that you believe you won't be able to tell if you're looking dumpy, and that you'd need his input.

There were times when I got close to looking dumpy but I thought I could still get away with it without fitting the title. DH's input was a welcomed "helloooo, get your foot off the dumpy pedal!"

 

[Aisling]

No because I didn't care....I cared once someone said to me that I was looking a little big.

I agree and have been there done that.


By the way, GOOD FOR YOU for losing the weight!!!!!

 

[FireDancer]

It's interesting to me that you believe you won't be able to tell if you're looking dumpy, and that you'd need his input.

Sometimes people need a wakeup call. It is also not uncommon for someone to notice at 5 or 10 pounds and not do anything until 60 or 70 pounds because they are in denial or don't know how to address it.

It isn't only about weight either. Sometimes people are the last ones to recognize they have a drinking, drug, or gambling problem too. If it is someone you care about I would hope you would at least try to open the channel of communication.

 

[monkeybug]

I have very little patience for people who lack the ability to get their point across with tact and sensitivity to the other persons feelings.

If my husband came to me in a private place and said something to me like "Hey, I've been thinking that we should start walking together in the evening and work on incorporating more healthy foods into our diet. I want you to stay healthy and with me for a long time to come" I'd give him a hug and go eat a carrot stick.

If he walked up to me while I was talking to Miss Fitness and commented on her rock hard body, and then turned to me and said "You need to do whatever she's doing, 'cause your all flabby and she's hot!" I'd give him a high 5. In the face. With my foot. And go eat some carrot cake.

The way you say something is just as important as what you say.

 

[hambirg]

Telling a woman that she needs to lose weight = telling a man that he is a loser? Okay, do women place this much value on their own appearance? If so, whose fault is that?

Ah. . i think this is the point!

Yes to a woman telling her that the other woman looks better is the same as telling her she's a loser. Men and woman have different currency. I think it's primal. . .men are valued for how well they can protect and provide, and women are valued for how well their looks suggest they would make good mates. It is what it is.

So telling the woman in this scenario that the other woman looks better and she should do what the other woman is doing is akin to telling a man in front of another couple. . ."Look what a great job Joe has. Look how he provides his family with a nice home, new cars and expensive vacations. I wish you were more like him."

It's not motivating to point out to somebody their failures. It does feel like you are being called a loser. Would you tell a 1st grade child who is struggling to read. . ."hey, little Mikey over there is a great reader. Why don't you find out what he's doing so you can be a great reader too." It doesn't really motivate the child. . .it just points out the obvious and makes them feel less than.

ETA-I do think there is a way to point out to someone in an honest way that you realize they are struggling. . with weight. . . with employment. . .or with reading. But they already know they are struggling and what the concerned person does is offer to help make that struggle easier. Just comparing them to other people does no good.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

If he walked up to me while I was talking to Miss Fitness and commented on her rock hard body, and then turned to me and said "You need to do whatever she's doing, 'cause your all flabby and she's hot!" I'd give him a high 5. In the face. With my foot. And go eat some carrot cake.

The way you say something is just as important as what you say.

 

[FireDancer]

I have very little patience for people who lack the ability to get their point across with tact and sensitivity to the other persons feelings.

If my husband came to me in a private place and said something to me like "Hey, I've been thinking that we should start walking together in the evening and work on incorporating more healthy foods into our diet. I want you to stay healthy and with me for a long time to come" I'd give him a hug and go eat a carrot stick.

If he walked up to me while I was talking to Miss Fitness and commented on her rock hard body, and then turned to me and said "You need to do whatever she's doing, 'cause your all flabby and she's hot!" I'd give him a high 5. In the face. With my foot. And go eat some carrot cake.

The way you say something is just as important as what you say.

I should first say that the way in which he said it was completely wrong and uncalled for. You are right about how you say it being important.

That being said I find two things a little odd about the bolded.

First is resorting to violence. If a wife does something along the lines of what you are describing to her husband and his response was a kick to the face (or even coming here and saying it would be his response) it would be met with disdain. When it is the wife responding with violence it is almost cheered (or laughed at as in the post right above this one).

If, like a PP mentioned, a wife walks up to her husband while he is talking to Mr. Successful and comments on his awesome job and turns to her husband and says "You need to do whatever he is doing because you are not making enough and his paycheck is huge" it would never be acceptable for him to crack her in the face. In neither case is violence alright.

Second, why the carrot cake. It is almost like you are trying to punish him by hurting yourself.

I'm not being snarky, they are real questions.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

For me it's because I really don't believe she's going to do that. It's just silliness. I'll be honest with you and say that any woman who did that to her man like that would deserve the same, in jest. Neither would deserve it in reality. I don't think the paycheck has the hurt value of a perceived physical flaw by the SO.

Also, the weight is more of a "personal"thing. So you would have to attack something "personal" like his prowness in the bed room that he could be lax in rather than simply keeping it "up to par" thru a paycheck. A personal, physical failure that you are comparing someone to, in front of that someone and your SO.

 

[Nancyg56]

You say, sweetheart, I'm worried that your health might suffer and cut our time together short. What can I do to help you get more fit? Can I cook more? Shall we go workout together? Want to take a walk tonight after dinner?

Or if you were my DH you say Do you really need that cookie? I will say he learned that was not the way to approach me very quickly

Agreed - but it is not because men don't care about their wives' feelings - it is because it never occurs to them that it might hurt their feelings. There is a difference.

Men are different than women. You would think that women would learn those differences and take them into account more often. After all, men are expected to read minds. This seems like a minor trade-off.

I think that there are times when men do not think. My DH had become frustrated that I kept complaining I had gained weight, that I needed to do something, that my clothes were too tight.............it went on and on. His answer to the problem was to point out what was obvious..............I ate too many cookies. He would not try to hurt me, he was just "trying to help".

Honestly, he has paid for that little pointer a lot in the past few years but I will admit it was the impetus to get me motivated to get healthier.

In this case, he only did it in front of another couple that were close friends, and he was not hitting on the female friend - simply using her as a point of reference. Most of the posts about publicly announcing it are way off base. In fact, most of the oggling comments are also off base. This thread became misdirected at the outset.

I saw that thread. I think that if the couples were close and the comment came up in conversation then i would have no issue. In that thread the husband made a habit of comparing his wife tot eh OP and making her very uncomfortable. This I would not tolerate.

There were times when I got close to looking dumpy but I thought I could still get away with it without fitting the title. DH's input was a welcomed "helloooo, get your foot off the dumpy pedal!"

Exactly. I needed that little wake-up call.................along with a picture of me and my DGD in WDW.

 

[FireDancer]

For me it's because I really don't believe she's going to do that. It's just silliness. I'll be honest with you and say that any woman who did that to her man like that would deserve the same, in jest. Neither would deserve it in reality.

Fair enough but I bet if a man posted they were going to hit their wife for something, even with just as low of a likelihood of it heppening, it wouldn't be so readily laughed at or cheered.

Let me give you another scenario I see all the time.

Husband and wife are out. Husband says something sarcastic or tells a joke and the wife gives him on of those "cut it out" backhands to the shoulder. I suspect if in the same situation the husband did the same thing it wouldn't be laughed off or ignored. I'm not talking about either laying the other one out but the guttural reaction that it is ok to hit guys, even softly, if they do something you don't like. That crap doesn't fly with me. I'd never hit a girl and expect the exact same in return.

 

[monkeybug]

I should first say that the way in which he said it was completely wrong and uncalled for. You are right about how you say it being important.

That being said I find two things a little odd about the bolded.

First is resorting to violence. If a wife does something along the lines of what you are describing to her husband and his response was a kick to the face (or even coming here and saying it would be his response) it would be met with disdain. When it is the wife responding with violence it is almost cheered (or laughed at as in the post right above this one).

If, like a PP mentioned, a wife walks up to her husband while he is talking to Mr. Successful and comments on his awesome job and turns to her husband and says "You need to do whatever he is doing because you are not making enough and his paycheck is huge" it would never be acceptable for him to crack her in the face. In neither case is violence alright.

Second, why the carrot cake. It is almost like you are trying to punish him by hurting yourself.

I'm not being snarky, they are real questions.

Ummm...It was a joke. Sacrasm to be exact.
I don't even like carrot cake. And I would never kick my husband in the face.
I'd punch him in the nards. Obviously.



*disclaimer this post contains sarcasm. Neither monkeybug or any of her affiliates would harm the nards of another. Unless said nard possessor consumes the last of the coffee with out replenishing the beans, or beats her at Mario cart too many times in a row.


*Sorry! Couldn't help myself.

 

[FireDancer]

Ummm...It was a joke. Sacrasm to be exact.
I don't even like carrot cake. And I would never kick my husband in the face.
I'd punch him in the nards. Obviously.



*disclaimer this post contains sarcasm. Neither monkeybug or any of her affiliates would harm the nards of another. Unless said nard possessor consumes the last of the coffee with out replenishing the beans, or beats her at Mario cart too many times in a row.


*Sorry! Couldn't help myself.

Fair enough.

FWIW I didn't really think you'd hit him. It was more about the social acceptance to even joke that you would when the reverse wouldn't be socially acceptable any longer.

I should add that I'm not offended by this, I just notice it and wonder why one is socially acceptable one the other isn't. Neither should be.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'd hand him a mirror.


Then, we'd call the hospital and let them know an ER arrival was coming soon.


I've struggled with my weight my entire life. He knows this is something we don't discuss in front of others. Plus, I married a good, decent guy and looks are far down on the list for both of us.

 

[GettingFuzzy]

Ummm...It was a joke. Sacrasm to be exact.
I don't even like carrot cake. And I would never kick my husband in the face.
I'd punch him in the nards. Obviously.



*disclaimer this post contains sarcasm. Neither monkeybug or any of her affiliates would harm the nards of another. Unless said nard possessor consumes the last of the coffee with out replenishing the beans, or beats her at Mario cart too many times in a row.

*Sorry! Couldn't help myself.

This may or may not be the reason Christmas of '08 was delayed, two of my Wii-motes "magically" disappeared, and it's possible the Nintendo people put me on a list after the things I said about Yoshi.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread.

 

[discnewbie]

It was more about the social acceptance to even joke that you would when the reverse wouldn't be socially acceptable any longer.

I should add that I'm not offended by this, I just notice it and wonder why one is socially acceptable one the other isn't. Neither should be.

I think you bring up a very valid point. I've noticed this as well.

I'm not really sure why it's socially acceptable. Perhaps it is because when there are abusive relationships, it tends to be the husband that is the abuser and the wife that is the victim, so when the reverse occurs (or even talking about the reverse occurs) it's considered funny? Or, perhaps it is considered funny because several years ago, when women were treated as the husband's property, there was no way anything like this could be said, so it's a bit of "payback" now?

I'm not really sure what the reason is. I don't agree with double standards of any kind though. To me this qualifies as a double standard.