Please weigh in on sensitive family situation

[walden]

It depends, and I agree it is nice that she asked. I'd want some more details before I commit myself, and to me the gender issue is completely unimportant. I would definitely welcome a new long-term partner into the family, but not if it wrecked a holiday for everyone involved or was a shock to anyone.

Also, does your sister have children? Were you expecting them for Christmas? How are they handling the recent separation? Are they aware of her new relationship? If not, is she going to tell them before Christmas? Will she be introducing her as a friend or as a girlfriend? You said recently -- how recently did your sister separate from her husband and is the divorce in process? Will all family members know about or have met the new girlfriend in advance, including you and your Mom?

Sorry to sound so cautious, but surprises shouldn't happen over holidays, and it is not necessarily the right time to announce a new relationship especially soon after a separation.

FWIW, I have experienced a holiday where a nephew's new male partner was announced over Thanksgiving turkey. My DH and I were not at all surprised and were happy for them both. Unfortunately, other family members had a totally different reaction. Surprised, angry, hurt . . . We had tears, screams, and one person storming out of the house! Oh, boy. I think the nephew had hoped there was safety in numbers, but it certainly wrecked the holiday.

 

[krcit]

I get why she left her husband, but I am in the camp that would treat this exactly the way I would treat my sister if she had left he DH for another man.

It would be "too soon" to be parading her new partner around for the family. I would imagine the soon-to-be-ex DH is still very much a part of the family and as such deserves to be treated with dignity in this very touchy situation.

I would tell your sister, that with the suddeness of all of this, it is too soon to bring "Sue" over for Christmas dinner. the family needs time to process what has gone on and divorce proceedings haven't even been started.

However, after the holidays you'd be happy to meet sis and Sue for coffee or something.

You said exactly what I was trying to say but you said it much better!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't think it is my family's responsibility to accept (and therefore, encourage) whatever bad behavior I decide to dish out to people. Isn't ANYONE allowed to have limits anymore?

I MYOB in other people's marriage. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors or people's minds. I choose not to live in the drama of other people's lives.

Now I might not agree with you and your actions but I am not going to make a "stand". WTH good does that do? All is does is create more drama, which I stay out of as my personal policy.

 

[VAfamily1998]

It appears that your sister was cheating on her husband and was probably less than honest about her sexuality for years. If this was another man, would you all be so quick to welcome HIM with open arms even before the divorce was final?

Make other plans for this year sis. Treat your soon-to-be ex-husband with decency and respect. After the divorce is final, I might be willing to entertain your new squeeze.

I don't think it is my family's responsibility to accept (and therefore, encourage) whatever bad behavior I decide to dish out to people. Isn't ANYONE allowed to have limits anymore?

I get why she left her husband, but I am in the camp that would treat this exactly the way I would treat my sister if she had left he DH for another man.

It would be "too soon" to be parading her new partner around for the family. I would imagine the soon-to-be-ex DH is still very much a part of the family and as such deserves to be treated with dignity in this very touchy situation.

I would tell your sister, that with the suddeness of all of this, it is too soon to bring "Sue" over for Christmas dinner. the family needs time to process what has gone on and divorce proceedings haven't even been started.

However, after the holidays you'd be happy to meet sis and Sue for coffee or something.

Yep....I agree with the above posts.

 

[Holly]

I MYOB in other people's marriage. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors or people's minds. I choose not to live in the drama of other people's lives.

Now I might not agree with you and your actions but I am not going to make a "stand". WTH good does that do? All is does is create more drama, which I stay out of as my personal policy.

Good advice.

 

[DWGal210]

Hmm, I don't know. I'm wondering if people would have different opinions if this was OP's brother and he wanted to bring a new girlfriend. This is a tough situation b/c I would assume her sister left her DH for this woman. I'm sure that had to be a very difficult thing to do and I believe that everyone deserves happiness however for the sister to ask that the OP have the new partner over for the holidays is maybe a bit too much too soon I don't know. My best friend recently split from her husband(mutual) and he had a new girlfriend within a few days and my friend was very hurt when he brought the new girlfriend to his sisters party a couple of months later.


I don't know. I hope that the OP's sister recognizes that this is a huge shock for all of them and gives them time to adjust.

(my bolding above)

I wondered the same thing...not that it matters who the relationship was with, but if I knew my sister had been in a relationship with someone before her marriage ended, and that person was now coming to family events, that might make me uncomfortable. Not because the sister has a girlfriend, but because if they are in a serious relationship so soon that might make me uncomfortable.

However, I do agree with other posters that she must think her new relationship will last and wants that person to know the people she loves - so in that spirit, I would welcome the person into my home.

 

[Hannathy]

I don't mean to come across as liking what she did and I would probably tell my sister that very thing BUT She is still my sister and if I have the family then she is still family and it is up to her who she brings. I am just opening my home to family. I will not go out of my way to make the family accept it and I won't promise to be more welcoming than I would be if she brought her neighbor that had no where to go. It is up to her how she presents her to everyone. I will tell her that if the Parents don't know I would like it if it she just keeps intros as her "friend" cause I don't want a fight at my house if that is a possibility.

Personally I think it sucks when anyone does that to their partner. And I wouldn't say anything bad about her husband unless I felt it, no matter what she says.

 

[powellrj]

I am going to guess that after 21 years there are children involved and you have a close relationship with her DH. For these reasons I wouldn't be so quick to invite the new relationship for the holidays. FWIW I would feel the same way if it were another man.

How will her children feel to spend the holidays with the person who their mom left their dad for. How will they feel if their father will be left alone for the holidays because of her new relationship.

I would ask that she not come to the holidays and set up a time to get together after the holidays.

 

[Debbie7452]

I am so appreciating all of the responses. I think I would also be upset if she was asking about bringing a new boyfriend. The whole "too soon" thing resonates with me.

She has one teenage son. I'm not sure how he's handling it, but I'm pretty sure he probably knows what's going on. I worry about him a lot because he's struggled in school and life in general since he was small.

 

[TDC Nala]

That's a good thing to know - does she plan to use the gathering to introduce her new partner to the rest of the family? Better if her parents and her son already know instead of getting surprised by it at YOUR party.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, the inclusion of a teenage nephew complicates things. you say he has struggled in school and life in general since he was small. this would lead me to believe that he may be struggling with the breakup of his parents' 21 year marriage as well. in this situation, i would put my nephew first and let sis know that it's too soon to be welcoming her new "friend" (doesn't matter male or female) into the family and for nephew's sake, you would prefer if it were just immediate family for the holidays. i realize he's going to have to adjust to the situation, but a month after his parents' split up is just too much to ask of him, or any child, regardless of age, IMHO. your sister also has a right to spend her holidays as she wishes, and she may boycott your family holiday if you refuse to welcome her new friend, but that's her prerogative. i would not risk hurting my nephew in any way to please her. JMHO.

 

[alliecats]

I am going to guess that after 21 years there are children involved and you have a close relationship with her DH. For these reasons I wouldn't be so quick to invite the new relationship for the holidays. FWIW I would feel the same way if it were another man.

How will her children feel to spend the holidays with the person who their mom left their dad for. How will they feel if their father will be left alone for the holidays because of her new relationship.

I would ask that she not come to the holidays and set up a time to get together after the holidays.

This, and what Jennasis said. If she had not been cheating and this was like a year later after the 'first Christmas' for her son & the DH you care about had passed (firsts are SO hard after something like this), it would be different. And it's not the fact that she is now seeing a woman, that would not phase me, good for her if that is where her sexuality truly lies. BUT the cheating, just a month ago, divorce not even filed, kid involved, you're close with the betrayed husband...

I would not want to be introducing the affair partner during a holiday when D has not even been filed. I don't want to be a party to that, I don't need the drama, and it would make me feel bad for the son and the DH. Too much too soon. She should respect that, if she has any feelings at all left for the devastation of her ex and what their son must also be feeling. How confusing this must be for a teen.

 

[emer95]

I don't think it is my family's responsibility to accept (and therefore, encourage) whatever bad behavior I decide to dish out to people. Isn't ANYONE allowed to have limits anymore?

I totally agree with this! She's not even divorced yet? So technically she is openly having an affair and asking her family to accept it, not to mention the shocking fact that she has changed her orientation. I don't care who you are, that takes some time to get used to. She should respect her family enough to give them some time before bringing around the new squeeze and wait until her divorce is final.

JMO- I know many, many will disagree.

 

[nmmom95]

I am so appreciating all of the responses. I think I would also be upset if she was asking about bringing a new boyfriend. The whole "too soon" thing resonates with me.

She has one teenage son. I'm not sure how he's handling it, but I'm pretty sure he probably knows what's going on. I worry about him a lot because he's struggled in school and life in general since he was small.

Can I change my answer? I would talk to my nephew and see how he feels about it. She is an adult who can make her own choices, and the rest of the family really is not owed anything, but he is. If he will be there and does not want to meet the new person in his mother's life, then everyone should respect that, your sister included.

ETA: Sorry to be a flip-flopper, but I didn't realize there was a child involved.

 

[RunningGirl]

This, and what Jennasis said. If she had not been cheating and this was like a year later after the 'first Christmas' for her son & the DH you care about had passed (firsts are SO hard after something like this), it would be different. And it's not the fact that she is now seeing a woman, that would not phase me, good for her if that is where her sexuality truly lies. BUT the cheating, just a month ago, divorce not even filed, kid involved, you're close with the betrayed husband...

I would not want to be introducing the affair partner during a holiday when D has not even been filed. I don't want to be a party to that, I don't need the drama, and it would make me feel bad for the son and the DH. Too much too soon. She should respect that, if she has any feelings at all left for the devastation of her ex and what their son must also be feeling. How confusing this must be for a teen.

Spot-on my advice as well.

 

[Pakey]

Isn't her son going to be around the new interest, whether it's at your house or someplace else?

My sister is an adult; she is welcome to bring whomever she wants with her. It's not my place to police her personal life or her relationship with her son. If I had that kind of power, I'd be picking several relatives/in laws to exclude from holiday get togethers.

 

[Aristomommy]

If this new partner will be introduced to immediate family before Christmas, then I would welcome her as a guest. I wouldn't make Christmas the introduction esp. if the dinner is attended by close family only. I like to have a comfortable atmosphere around holidays instead of dealing with how people might get along etc.

I would question though if your sister met this person after she left, why she considers this relationship to be a long term one, Christmas is still almost 2 months away. They might not even be together then, if the've known each other briefly. Why is she asking this right now?

Also, I would caution anyone introducing any new relationship to children when they are still dealing with a break up of parents (if that is the case here) or asking other kids to meet a new "auntie" when she hasn't been around very long. I have witnessed first hand how hard it is for children when mom or dad's relationship ends and they experience a loss.

 

[bookgirl]

Does she have kids?

Honestly I wouldn't have a problem with the new girlfriend, but I would have trouble with her bringing ANYONE, one month out of leaving her husband if she has children who will be at this gathering. It's dis-respectful to them, and a little much to ask of someone still reeling from their parent's break up.

On the other hand if the kids are okay with it then fine but they get the last word on it.

 

[curious3069]

I understand that your sister is very happy right now, but she's put you in a bad position. If she didn't have a teenage son, I'd say welcome them into your home, but even if this is the most well-adjusted teenage boy on the planet, this has got to be unbelievably difficult for him. Maybe a nice, after the holidays lunch or dinner, make it not such an "event" to introduce her new girlfriend to the family.

It's too bad she's made this an either/or situation.

 

[dicar123]

I MYOB in other people's marriage. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors or people's minds. I choose not to live in the drama of other people's lives.

Now I might not agree with you and your actions but I am not going to make a "stand". WTH good does that do? All is does is create more drama, which I stay out of as my personal policy.

I'm pretty happy minding my own business until people who have behaved badly want me to choose sides and give them my public support. This is what the sister has asked.

I refuse to support and encourage people who cheat on their spouses. In that situation, my own integrity is at stake and I will always side with the innocent party (if there is one).