Please weigh in on sensitive family situation

[MushyMushy]

Yes, for her to do that to her son....
Not only separate him from his father, but from all other family, at Christmas.... to drag him off with mom and her new 'mistress'.

The more I think about it....
The more I think that I was right when I questioned how she was being immature and manipulative and putting the OP on the spot... (either it is my way or the highway) before anyone has even heard of, much less met, this new person.... And, it sounds as if divorce papers are not even filed...

The more I think about it, the sister is coming from a very selfish and immature place.

OP, maybe you need to not look at this as 'Christmas', but in a much broader way, maybe you need to reach out to your sister NOW and find out what in the heck is going on with her.

People often are coming from that when they first leave a marriage and find new love. I'm not saying everyone is like this, but they seem to lose all regard for the feelings of everyone around them.

 

[Sugardimples]

I think the bigger issue here is that you and your sister need to have a real heart-to-heart about what's going on in her life. I sounds like this is something that did not happen as suddenly as it might appear from the outside. Your sister is probably struggling with how to talk to you (and to others) about it. The coming out process is very difficult! I know! I speak from experience.

Please talk to your sister and then decide (together) how to handle this.

 

[Acklander]

Yes, for her to do that to her son....
Not only separate him from his father, but from all other family, at Christmas.... to drag him off with mom and her new 'mistress'.

.

The mom isn't dragging her son off away from family forever and ever. The mom is saying my plans are to be with my new friend this Christmas, is it OK if we do it as a family. I don't think she's being selfish at all, but is being honest. She's not forcing her new friend on them, but is giving the family a heads up and allowing the family to decide if they are comfortable with it. I see no problem with this.
If it were my sister I'd support her and her choices BECAUSE she's my sister and I love her. She may not make the same decisions that I would make in the same circumstances, but she's an adult, she doesn't have to.

 

[shortbun]

Invite them over today. Have them come over for pizza some other day too. Christmas dinner would be awkward for the first time. Tell your sister you dod not want to wait for Christmas to meet someone so important to her.

 

[LukenDC]

Wow, this is a complicated situation. You mentioned that your sister was married for 21 years and that you liked your BIL. Based upon that, I would tell your sister the following:

1) You love her, want her to be happy, and accept her for who she is

2) BIL has been a part of your family for 21 years and you need to respect him as well

3) Since she is still married and the separation is recent, you would prefer that she not bring her new girlfriend to the holiday dinner out of respect for BIL

I would also offer to meet the sister and her new girlfriend shortly after the holiday for lunch, coffee, etc.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Acklander,

But she IS threatening to separating her son from from his father and his family over Christmas, when most all will be there, sharing family togetherness..., when she could very well spend time with her new 'lover' over the holidays and not say - "If I ain't gettin' it my way, I'm gonna take my ball/child and leave"
She is doing this at a time when I think most everybody here would agree that this would not be in her son's best interests.

This is different than, we have decided to take a holiday cruise this year... etc...
This is a very selfish, calculated, manipulative threat...

If we have to disagree, then that is fine...
But, yes, the sister is, very purposefully, threatening to separate her son (and herself) from the family. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. NO QUESTION.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I am beginning to wonder......
Have these kinds of drama and demands been your sister's usual demeanor, mode of operatation?????

I am beginning to wonder about this new person and their influence here.

It is entirely reasonable for her hope that her new SO might be invited.
But, she should be able to put her SON first.... (whether or not this new person is invited this year)
To me, as a parent, the only reasonable way to handle the situation would be this:
She should be able to tell her SO, "Look, I have a son, it is important for him to spend time with his father and extended family.... Especially this year, while we are going thru all of this... so, my son and I will have to be in town on this particular day"... (Christmas, Christmas Eve, whenever)

Something seems off here.
I am wondering if it could be her new SO who is putting her in this unfortunate position????

 

[Carly_Roach]

I only got as far as page three and found that my answer hadn't changed so I'm going to post it and then go back and read the other pages.

My answer for bringing the new lesbian friend to a family Christmas party a month after a 21 year marriage broke up would be to tell the sister to make other plans this year if she insisted on bringing her new lover. If she and her lover were still together next year, and depending on how other members of the family felt about the relationship, of course she'd be welcome next year.

Everyone seems so eager to bend over backward for homosexual couples. It seems that they're so willing to show that they're not homophobic that they'll go to extreme lengths to publicly forgive any behavior homosexuals exhibit just so they won't be called homophobic.

But we're not talking about dressing unusually, body piercings or PDAs here. We're talking about someone who continued on with a broken relationship for whatever reason while they began their "real" relationship with someone else. This tells me that the person will be deceitful and is likely to be a user of others to get what she wants until she decides she's gotten all she can and now wants to discontinue the prior relationship. This speaks to a personal character trait rather than a sexual preference.

Not to mention that other family members will also be there; some who may not be as accepting of a homosexual relationship. Especially so soon after a long-term heterosexual relationship was ended.

If the tables were turned and your sister's husband announced after 21 years and children that he was pretending all along, he was gay, and he wanted a divorce and to bring his new lover to the annual family Christmas party, how would many of us actually feel about that? Not speaking for other people, I'd be pretty damn angry, hurt and feel violated for my sister because she'd been living with a liar all these years.

A liar who was using her as his beard so he could get ahead without having to jump the hurdles that out-of-the-closet homosexuals had to jump.

If this were my situation and it turned out to be my sister who felt this way....well, actually I wouldn't be in this situation. I'm close to my sister and would probably have known already that she was a lesbian. The family would probably already know because we're kind of close that way.

However, if it were a cousin or someone like that, I'd probably tell them they'd want to make other plans for this year and we'll try it again next year. This is a family blow-up waiting to happen and I wouldn't want it happening in my house during one of the most sacred holidays for our family.

If she wanted to call me homophobic, that's fine. She can feel however she likes; doesn't make it true. But I have a limit to how much drama I'm willing to endure for family gatherings and I'm not going to allow my home to become a soundstage for someone else's soap opera.

 

[Disneyadore]

OP, has the new friend children and if so will they also come to your house?

 

[aaarcher86]

I personally think the OP's sister sounds a bit infatuated and isn't really considering the feelings of her teenage son. I can only imagine how upset he is, whether he shows it or not, because of the divorce itself. But to then wrap your head around your mom being a lesbian along with all the other feelings has got to be really crazy for him.

I honestly think a month into moving out is too soon for anyone, man or woman, to be around a child. I also think it's pretty harsh to completely abandon someone who has been in the family for 21 years. The absence of a piece of paper doesn't mean you immediately write them off as family. No, they shouldn't be ranked above a sister, but their feelings should (in my opinion) at least be taken into courteous consideration. I'd be incredibly hurt if I split from my husband of 21 years and the family decided I was no longer family because of no fault of my own. Particularly if they welcomed a new person into their home and family a month or two after the split.

I also have children of my own and frankly, I wouldn't want to explain to them why their aunt is dating someone new already (the woman thing doesn't bother me. I expect my children to grow up being completely accepting of the gay community).

I think it's a bit harsh for her not to take her son's feelings into consideration on this. Having ONE holiday season without her new partner isn't a huge deal when it would most likely benefit her son. And it's kind of sad that the partner doesn't feel the same. It sounds like she's been swept up into this new fairytale romance and really isn't thinking about anyone else in my opinion. It seems as though she's throwing herself into the new relationship to avoid any kind of natural feelings that would spring up from the old.

I'd definitely try to talk to her about her son's feelings, but I expect it will be met with a bit of anger and resentment honestly. I for one wouldn't want to have my home be the place of what will most likely be a lot of tension and possibly a heated discussion or two if this will be the place where she plans on throwing it all out there.

My Uncle recently went through this. And thankfully, significant others were kept out of the holiday mix for the sake of the kids seeing as they just separated in late October/early November.

It all just seems a bit selfish and a tad inconsiderate.

 

[mumom95]

I would talk to your nephew and see how he feels about it and basically let him decide (without telling people it was his decision).

A marriage of 21 years breaking up and the wife/mother coming out that she's a lesbian. Doesn't matter how grounded and mature the kid is, that's got to be a tough thing for any teenager to deal with.

At this point, EVERYONE needs to be doing what's best for the nephew. If that means he wants both his mom and dad at the dinner, then you invite both mom and dad. If he doesn't want either mom or dad there, then you have him without them. If he's fine with mom and the new girlfriend, then invite mom and the new girlfriend. You do whatever will make the nephew happiest.

This poor kid's life has just been turned completely upside down (since you made it sound like the mother moving out came out of the blue to everyone except her). Your sister has a right to live the life that makes her happy. But her bigger responsibility is to her son right now and she needs to do whatever is best for him for the holidays. Maybe that's having her, him and the girlfriend at your house for the holidays. Maybe it's not. I don't know, but I think that's what you need to find out.

Family will always be family. But in my book, being family does not give a person the right to put their own selfish wants over the feelings of another family member (especially that of a childs).

 

[luvsJack]

I don't make it my place to judge my family member or to determine why they do the things they do or make the choices they make--so none of that would determine my answer.

If her son is going to spend Christmas with her either way, it may be easier for him to do so with family around him and the ability to get away from them from time to time rather than being with the new couple 24/7 on a vacation.

She is your sister and she is his mother, that is not going to change regardless of what you think of what she has done. What kind of long term effects will this decision make own your relationship with her? Will she be so hurt that she stays away? Will you be able to better help your nephew through this if you keep an open relationship with your sister?

And lastly, I would let it be more of a family decision. What is the opinion of the rest of the family that will be present? If everyone is willing to be welcoming to your sister and her new relationship, then maybe a family dinner well before the holidays is in order.

 

[Jennasis]

Just wondering if the OP is still around? Have you spoken to your sister yet? Made any decisions?

I don't envy the position you are in at all, and wanted to say above all else that I am truly sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. I hope that you are able to get through this all in a way that keeps that holiday joyous (as possible) for you and your family.

Hugs.

 

[disney11fan]

ok, i need some advice and i don't mind hearing all points of view. I'm just afraid i'm going to get flamed, but here goes.

My only sibling sister has very recently left her dh and moved into an apartment. It was very sudden and unexpected to us all (even the husband, he says). She just called and wanted to talk about plans for family christmas dinner. I give the family dinner at my house on xmas eve. It consists of my mom, sister's family, my family. Anyway...sister wants to tell me she has a "very serious" new relationship with another woman and needs to know if she can bring her to our family christmas events. If not, she will just make plans to go out of town for the holidays.

I was a little dumbfounded at the revelation of the new relationship and felt a little put on the spot at needing to commit about christmas plans with someone i've never even met before (or even heard about).

I was fond of her dh (21 years of marraige) and the whole situation is sad and confusing. What would you do?

tell sister she can come alone or go out of town. It's not right and your only making the situation worse. P.S. INVITE DH AND TELL SISTER TO STAY HOME. IT'S NOT RIGHT AND I THINK YOU KNOW IT...OR YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED US.

 

[aaarcher86]

I don't make it my place to judge my family member or to determine why they do the things they do or make the choices they make--so none of that would determine my answer.

If her son is going to spend Christmas with her either way, it may be easier for him to do so with family around him and the ability to get away from them from time to time rather than being with the new couple 24/7 on a vacation.

She is your sister and she is his mother, that is not going to change regardless of what you think of what she has done. What kind of long term effects will this decision make own your relationship with her? Will she be so hurt that she stays away? Will you be able to better help your nephew through this if you keep an open relationship with your sister?

And lastly, I would let it be more of a family decision. What is the opinion of the rest of the family that will be present? If everyone is willing to be welcoming to your sister and her new relationship, then maybe a family dinner well before the holidays is in order.

I tend to agree with this. But I also think if it turns into some kind of family yelling free for all given the sensitivity of the situation it's going to make it worse for him.

It's a tough situation... I don't think there is any 'right' answer in all of this.

 

[Carly_Roach]

After reading the thread I guess the only thing I'm going to disagree with other posters on are the wishes of the nephew superceding everyone else. I was raised with the value of the adults making the decisions, not the children. I wouldn't put the comfort of everyone else aside just so one 12 y/o boy could feel comfortable.

The OP knows her family best. If there are going to be hard feelings on the part of parents, grandparents and other people who may not be accepting of the lesbian relationship right away, then I'd take into consideration the desires of the many rather than the desires of the few and let the sister know that this may not be the year she "came out" at the family Christmas party. At least, not at my house where I can't leave when the melodrama starts.

My concern would be with the comfort of the majority of my guests at a large gathering that I'm hosting. That's the kind of hosting I was raised with and how it's done in our family. Other's mileage may vary.

 

[luvsJack]

I tend to agree with this. But I also think if it turns into some kind of family yelling free for all given the sensitivity of the situation it's going to make it worse for him.

It's a tough situation... I don't think there is any 'right' answer in all of this.

I agree, an arguement would make it worse. There really has to be a family agreement on this matter. And everyone has to decide that if she is there and something is said or done that they cannot keep quiet over, they have to be able to walk away.




The one thing I WOULD NOT do is invite her ex. Even if the OP has a relationship with her bil, her sister should come first. My bil has been in my family since I was 6 years old, more of a brother than a bil; but dsis still would come first if the marriage ended. It would be better to have neither of them than to cause a long term rip in the family.

 

[aaarcher86]

I agree, an arguement would make it worse. There really has to be a family agreement on this matter. And everyone has to decide that if she is there and something is said or done that they cannot keep quiet over, they have to be able to walk away.




The one thing I WOULD NOT do is invite her ex. Even if the OP has a relationship with her bil, her sister should come first. My bil has been in my family since I was 6 years old, more of a brother than a bil; but dsis still would come first if the marriage ended. It would be better to have neither of them than to cause a long term rip in the family.

Completely agree.

Definitely don't invite the EX, but I wouldn't write him out of their lives either after 21 years. I'd still support him, and be his friend.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Exactly what age is the son....

Is he living with his father in their home????

PS: I agree with being very careful about inviting an ex.... No matter how hurtful it can be (and most divorces ARE hurtful) The brother/sister has a right to end that relationship without the family trying to over-ride.

I might, however, consider inviting the husband, ONLY if this were to invite him and the nephew, while the sister was completely out of town with her lover, and would not in any way be in the picture.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I would support my sister

I doubt there is anyone here who wouldn't support their sisters. I believe we all love and would support our sisters.

What we're discussing is the appropriateness (is that even a word?) of inviting the sister's new squeeze to an extended family gathering that is based on religous or traditional values after said sister broke with her husband of 21 years only a few months prior to the family gathering.

I apologize for the clumsy wording of the above sentence. I was trying to sum up the issue as succinctly as possible.