Please weigh in on sensitive family situation

[Tiggeroo]

Yes. Absolutely. but I'm just going on the info we've been given by the OP who asked us to weigh in on her family situation.

It's the way I saw it too. There are always reasons a person leaves a marriage, often good ones. But it never seems ok to me to cheat, leave and act like there's nothing wrong with that. It implies a string of lies that hurt people you say you love.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes. Absolutely. but I'm just going on the info we've been given by the OP who asked us to weigh in on her family situation.

You embellished the family situation, so you really aren't adding anything other than insults based on what you assume is going on. I don't think thats what the OP was asking for.

 

[Jennasis]

You embellished the family situation, so you really aren't adding anything other than insults based on what you assume is going on. I don't think thats what the OP was asking for.

Perhaps. If the OP would like to point out where/how my assessment is wrong that would be great. And I'm not being facetious. Honestly I'd be all kinds of disappointed in my sisters behavior if she did this. I would support her lifestyle choices, but how this one appears to be going about it is 1000 shades of wrong.

 

[Aristomommy]

I wonder if the nephew already has plans to spend Christmas with his dad and thats why OP's sis is going to go away if her and her girlfriend aren't welcome.

As far as asking her why she wants to spend the holidays with her GF even if that means skipping the family dinner I don't think I would need to. I would think she didn't feel welcomed and supported and therefore wouldn't want to spend it with the family, and I wouldn't blame her.

I don't know what the nephew's plans are, but based on OPs posts, nephew will go where sister will go for Christmas. Of course, I could be wrong.

Supporting a new relationship doesn't mean the person automatically joins a family tradition. With my 4 brothers, they didn't bring their new relationships to Christmas dinner until they were pretty sure this person was going to "stick around". One brother waited 2 Christmases since both wanted to keep their family traditions and then finally figured out how to merge both traditions. If OPs sister just separated, this relationship is either very new or new to everyone in the family.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

My sister and her ex-husband (and his current wife) are all invited to all family functions. Of course the divorce was over 30 years ago, and John did not meet his current wife until about ten years after the divorce.

 

[punkin]

Exactly. While I may not be thrilled with her choice, I will stand by my sister no matter what.

She is your sister - that's all that matters.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I love my sisters and they would always come before their spouses. I don't see treading carefully here and not wanting to turn a family dinner into a battle ground as not supporting your sister. The op was worried about being flamed and I don't blame her. I think we can all have different opinions on this topic without getting nasty at each other. This sort of response could make the op feel bad.
We do have ex's to large inclusive family dinners. It's to support the kids, not because we just love hanging out with them. It makes it easier. When kids are involved it is just better if you can create an amicable seperation. Bringing a new partner to a big family dinner right after the split and excluding the ex, who is normally there with his son just seems like a bad idea. It would be different if there were no children and they had only been married a short time.

 

[rie'smom]

First and foremost, I would want to do what is best for my nephew. He is an innocent third party in all of this. Marriages fail for many reasons, the fault usually lies with both persons. However, the child is is just caught in the middle of this mess.

Yes, I agree with this. But, I can't figure out what is best for him. I'm pretty sure he would be going with her if she leaves town for the holidays. And it seems like having our traditional family get together would be good for him, but she won't let that happen unless her new partner is included. I will try to get his opinion if I can...not sure how much he knows about everything?

Sorry, i have mispelled marriage over and over!

At first I was sympathetic but it seems that it's all about your sister at least as far as she's concerned. She won't allow a traditional Christmas if she doesn't get her way? Is she 5 years old? She'll take a chance on messing up her son's holiday? Sounds like maybe her husband has dodged a bullet.
She's not thinking, she's in lust.

 

[Tiggeroo]

At first I was sympathetic but it seems that it's all about your sister at least as far as she's concerned. She won't allow a traditional Christmas if she doesn't get her way? Is she 5 years old? She'll take a chance on messing up her son's holiday? Sounds like maybe her husband has dodged a bullet.
She's not thinking, she's in lust.

I didn't see this. Now I feel even more sure that I wouldn't want to include the new person. Your sis would be right if they had been seeing each other for a longer period of time, or they had met after she left the husband. If her new gf was being excluded just because it was a woman she would be completely right to boycott the meal. But that's not it at all. It makes her sound like she just doesn't see how her actions are affecting others.
But because she is just making this decision about her sexuality and she's my sis I'd be kind and bite my tongue as much as possible. I still say have the gf over for a small meal with you and your spouse and tell her to come alone to the family dinner. Introduce the gf after they've been dating a bit.
My sons don't bring gf's to a family gathering until they've been dating for some time.

 

[hambirg]

Cheating and hurting people bothers me. If she had realized that her marriage was a mistake, explained the situation to her dh and son and left. And then later, even if it's only a little later she met somebody, I'd be ok with it. Even if she met the person and delayed pursuing it until she left the marriage and took it slow, because she has a son and a man she lived with for many years to consider. I would perhaps invite sis and her friend over for a small meal during the holidays but I would exclude the new gf from the family holiday meal. I'd even invite her soon to be ex over with the son. They are still family and the new gf could be gone in a short time.
Oh and this doesn't mean you don't support your sis. Tell her you love her, hug her. Tell her you are not condemning her choice. You just are concerned about the way she went about it and would feel better bringing the new gf around at a less intimate gathering.
It bothers me that so many people are acting hypocritical in this situation. I know very well that if it had been a man cheating on his wife with another woman, who announced that he was leaving his wife and son two months before the holidays and wanted to bring the new girl who he said made him happy to the family dinner, this thread would look much different.

Absolutely!

I can't imagine that if we were talking about somebody's brother who left his wife of 21yrs and their kid(s) to go chase some tail, that people would be agreeing that it would be perfectly acceptable to have the mistress at a traditional, family, Christmas dinner.

No way, no how.

If it was me, I would invite the DH and nephew. They have been a part of your family for 21yrs and they still are. It must be a very difficult time for them. I would let my sister know that I lover her, she is an adult, and that she is welcome to come to the dinner. However, her new love interest is not. I would also let her know that I invited the DH and the nephew. The choice is then hers to make.

I see it kind of like that breastfeeding SIL thread. My house, my rules.

And just as an aside. Your sister really needs to talk to an attorney. She is making some choices that could really come back to bite her.

 

[december]

My sister, her significant other, and her son, would all be welcome in my house. No one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage, and it isn't my place to judge. She has left the marriage, she isn't sneaking around (at least now). As a PP said, some divorces take time. My best friend is going through a divorce in NC. Her dh left her and their 5 kids for another woman 10 mos ago. She is dating, even though they have to be separated 2 more months before they can begin the divorce. The marriage is over.

A few years ago, dh's stepbrother, his wife (now ex), her son, their daughter (now adopted by my step mil), his one night stand, and their baby girl (now adopted by one night stand's dh) were all at Christmas. Was it awkward? Of course. But we survived.

 

[Buckalew11]

My main concern in this scenerio would be for that teenaged son--your nephew.

 

[Polyluvr]

No, I would not be inviting the person my married sister is having an affair with over for the holidays.

After the divorce, or at least further along in the process, would be a different issue. Not only is it too soon, but for your sister to call and casually drop the bombshell that she is cheating and wants to bring that person to a family gathering is downright odd!

People are acting like because she's come out as being in a lesbian relationship she should be supported no matter what order she does things in. I disagree. Lesbians are perfectly capable of closing one chapter before they open another, just like any other decent human being.

I would tell my sister that I understand if she wants to spend the holidays with her new love, but under the circumstances maybe it would be better to introduce her to the family after her marriage situation is cleared up.

This

 

[punkin]

A few years ago, dh's stepbrother, his wife (now ex), her son, their daughter (now adopted by my step mil), his one night stand, and their baby girl (now adopted by one night stand's dh) were all at Christmas. Was it awkward? Of course. But we survived.

Wow! OK, this really is impressive.

 

[krcit]

Whether the OP's sister was cheating on her DH or not is not really the factor for me. It's just really a matter of respect for her son and her ex. She is in the throes and excitement of 'new love'. I have seen a couple of my friends make very poor choices with men as soon as they seperated from their husbands...not thinking about the effects of bringing a new person into their childrens lives. The kids are resentful and think that their mom(or dad) is 'replacing' their other parent. Noone is saying that they wouldn't accept the sister and her partner just that she needs to act like a grown-up and give everyone a littel time to adjust to a huge change in all their lives. My brother and his wife split up in October about 10 years ago and I can tell you, no way would it have been ok for my brother to bring a new girl to our house for Christmas that year.

 

[Jennasis]

Of course, if my sister wanted to come for dinner without the new gal, that'd be fine...and it isn't because the new gal isn't welcome....lemme splain.

Given the circumstances of the split, it just isn't an appropriate time (or way) to introduce this person into the family. Wounds are fresh. Feelings are still hurt. Things are in upheaval (probably).

The fact that sis thinks it's okay just screams that she isn't thinking clearly and is in a very selfish place. It's almost understandable considering she is turning this new page in her ife as far as her sexuality. She's excited. But there is still a thing called tact. No need to make the rest of the family supremely uncomfortable or awkward on what should be one of the most joyous times of year.

The family too should be allowed to mourn the loss of the marriage and the BIL.

If it were my family, NO WAY would BIL be cut out of our lives after 21 years (unless he had done something to precipitate the divorce like abusing her or cheating on her). In fact I have an aunt and uncle who are divorced and BOTH still come to every family function. My aunt (married into the family) is like a sister to my mom.

To be honest, no matter how nice this new woman is, I would always harbor some negative feelings towards her for being a homewrecker. Cheaters tend to continue cheating.

 

[cm8]

OK, I need some advice and I don't mind hearing all points of view. I'm just afraid I'm going to get flamed, but here goes.

My only sibling sister has very recently left her DH and moved into an apartment. It was very sudden and unexpected to us all (even the husband, he says). She just called and wanted to talk about plans for family Christmas dinner. I give the family dinner at my house on Xmas Eve. It consists of my Mom, Sister's family, my family. Anyway...Sister wants to tell me she has a "very serious" new relationship with another woman and needs to know if she can bring her to our family Christmas events. If not, she will just make plans to go out of town for the holidays.

I was a little dumbfounded at the revelation of the new relationship and felt a little put on the spot at needing to commit about Christmas plans with someone I've never even met before (or even heard about).

I was fond of her DH (21 years of marraige) and the whole situation is sad and confusing. What would you do?

This_---------

I would welcome the significant other to your home. Family is about love and acceptance.

Yes you may not agree with the divorce, her new relationship and whatever else comes up but look at it this way......

If you were divorced for whatever reason would you want your family to welcome you and your new life or shun you?

Now if there were abusive or dangerous/harmful extenuating circumstances, then maybe I would change my answer however with your post I say extend the invite.

 

[december]

Wow! OK, this really is impressive.

It was.......interesting.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

It sounds like you need to have a talk with your sister about what is going with her life and her new relationship. There seem to be some communication issues brewing that should be taken care of prior to the holidays.

With that said, I would personally welcome the new SO for the holiday gathering after having a discussion with the rest of the family to make sure it is not going to be a tense situation since it seems that everyone is still recovering from the shock her divorce. If it is going to be an issue for the other family members, then the answer would be no. The holidays are about family and at this point, the new SO is not a part of the family yet. If your DS wants to choose her SO over spending a few hours with her parents and siblings, that is her choice.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't know what the nephew's plans are, but based on OPs posts, nephew will go where sister will go for Christmas.

Yes, for her to do that to her son....
Not only separate him from his father, but from all other family, at Christmas.... to drag him off with mom and her new 'mistress'.

The more I think about it....
The more I think that I was right when I questioned how she was being immature and manipulative and putting the OP on the spot... (either it is my way or the highway) before anyone has even heard of, much less met, this new person.... And, it sounds as if divorce papers are not even filed...

The more I think about it, the sister is coming from a very selfish and immature place.
She can go off and her little romantic sexy time with her new SO anytime...
But, how she is handling this is disrespectful to her son and to everyone else.
It is 'ME' first....

OP, maybe you need to not look at this as 'Christmas', but in a much broader way, maybe you need to reach out to your sister NOW and find out what in the heck is going on with her.