Please, I need some help!!

[yourtravelpro]

I've been coming to the boards for a few months now and am always amazed at the wealth of information and help that can be obtained here. I put my 2 cents in every now and then, but now it's my turn to ask for help.

I just found out that my son was a witness today to a fire that was started at the school bus stop. My son is 14. The school called me because the police were at the school along with a fire marshall. They know for sure that my son did not start this fire, however, he is also not completely innocent. The boy that did start the fire has been arrested. My son admitted that the other day he had a lighter and a can of aerosol deodorant which supposedly used together can cause a catastrophe. This whole thing was an eye opening experience for me, since my son up until this point has never gotten in any trouble. He is liked by all his teachers and I am always told that he is a pleasure to have in class. In other words, he is not a bad kid nor a trouble maker. However, there is no way that I can overlook this situation. The very fact that he had the lighter and aerosol can frightens me. The fire marshall is making all the witnesses also attend a class called fire stoppers. This class will also provide counseling. I am very happy about this, but this is not enough. How do I get into my son's head and figure out what he was thinking or what he is thinking? How can I help. Does anyone have any advice for me? I work, but, he is only home 1 hour before I get home, so it's not like he is unsupervised a lot. I am a big part of his life. This will basically be up to me to take care of because his Dad will just yell at him and my husband, his stepdad, will also take the wrong approach. Yelling will not solve the fact that for some reason he had this fascination. Aside from this, his interests are few and he is basically a loner.

Does anyone have any suggestions about classes that I can send him to that might basically change his life around and get him interested in other things? I think I am looking for a miracle. Also, does anyone know of any summer camps that I might be able to send him to that will help guide him along and help him make the right choices.

I am sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading this.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

You could check with the school guidance counselor or school psychologist for resources to help you with this. It sounds so scary, maybe this will be a wake up call for your son.

 

[MICKEY88]

do either his Dad Or Stepdad spend any one on one time with him..

this is a very tough age for guys, they learn a lot by spending quality time with an older male..hopefully dad/stepdad/uncle.... male bonding is very important

getting yelled at by Dad or stepdad is not neccessarily a bad thing,,,,

I read a study that showed that a high percentage of prison inmates, stated that one thing missing in their youth was firm male discipline..,,


often young males will act out in an attempt to get attention from their older male role model..

 

[nativetxn]

No advice. I hope you can work this out for the best for your son. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[powellrj]

I am not sure how practical this is, but is there a way he could do community service? I know in our area they have kids do things like work at the food bank or shovel stalls at the police horse barn and sometimes that works to wake them up???

 

[DStar4cup]

pm sent

 

[DoeWDW]

Does he have any idea what careers he may be interested in? If so, then start him working toward them in some small way.

I also like the idea of volunteering with others so his focus is outside of himself and on the good he can do for other people.

Best wishes for him and for you during this difficult time.

 

[Disney Doll]

Our town volunterr fire department has a "junior firefighters" program. Does oyur town do something like that? Perhaps that can take his fascination with fire and turn it into a positive.

 

[swea_pea1]

I'm not sure if at 14 he's able to handle pictures of burn victims, but I would be inclined to show him these fact sheets:

American Burn Association
2002 CDC Fact Sheet

What he was playing with IS very dangerous, and I think he clearly needs to know what could have happened (and thank God it didn't!!!!).

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

 

[MosMom]

Don't get me wrong, I think that playing with fire is very dangerous but I think it is normal for boys to be fascinated by something like that. I was a tomboy as a girl and the boys would always do insanely dangerous things.

Does he need to learn that what he did could kill him or others? Yes. Does he need a psychiatrist? IMO, no.

If he is a kid who normally doesn't cause trouble, I wouldn't go into panic mode. I think you definitely need to teach him how dangerous it is but I don't think he has mental problems because he was playing with fire.

*puts on flame proof suit* har har

 

[Fantasmic303]

We had an local incident a couple of months ago similar to this. Two boys were playing with rubbing alcohol and setting it on fire, and, naturally, it got out of hand and one of the boys set the other on fire. He nearly died and is still recovering. The boy who did the setting had a history of fire setting and could very possibly be in major big-boy trouble.

I really respect your desire to keep your son out of this kind of trouble, even though I realize that it's (unfortunately) a common thing for kids that age. Also unfortunately, it sometimes takes a "close call" for them to understand the risks.


I think the community service idea is a great one. Also, if you have a burn unit at a local hospital, you might want to see if they can help give a little insight. You may not be able to visit with anyone recovering from major major burns, but perhaps a surgeon or nurse could show the boys some of the procedures and therapies a burn victim goes through. It's really one of those awful things that you just can't understand until you've seen it firsthand.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support. I received a lot of good ideas that I will act upon.

You all are great support!!!

 

[Maleficent13]

Originally posted by MosMom

Don't get me wrong, I think that playing with fire is very dangerous but I think it is normal for boys to be fascinated by something like that.
Does he need to learn that what he did could kill him or others? Yes. Does he need a psychiatrist? IMO, no.

I agree. At that age, maybe a year or two younger, my brother was fascinated with fire. He ended up disintegrating my mom's heirloom tablecloth. I am not saying he should have been doing this, nor am I saying he shouldn't have been punished for it. I just agree with MosMom that it's not necessarily a sign of larger emotional issues. My brother is a wonderful human being with a beautiful family, his very temporary fascination with fire notwithstanding.

I also agree with Mickey88 that getting a good, thorough yelling at by Dad or stepdad isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

[Keli]

I agree with Mos Mom, if your son hasn't been playing with fire much more than you've mentioned then there's a good chance that this isn't an indication of a serious problem.
I would be more concerned about your son not having many interests and being a loner. I would work on talking to him and discovering things he might like and then working to find ways for him to get involved in these areas. That is a real job actually but I would give it a lot of thought and start making the effort. It will get your son involved in new things and it will cause him to meet new people and make some new friends. Some kids need a lot more help from their parents to get involved in stuff than others and I would work on helping him expand his horizons.