Please I need advice!!!

[Bluestars]

As a Mom, I would want to talk to the other mom and say "the girls had a tough time at the end of the school year" and see where her thoughts are about the trip, is the girl excited and still wants to go, etc. And if the other mom gives feedback that she is excited, etc, then I would tell DD to have a talk with her and say let's go have fun, skip the boy talk and enjoy ourselves. Friends come in and out of your lives, and you never know why! If the mom says she's on the fence, not sure, then I would give her the opportunity to gracefully back out. Otherwise, I'm more on the "you made your bed" train of thought. Teenagers can be awful to each other, but my friend and I from that age are still friends, even after all the bad stuff!!

I think this is great advice.

 

[denisenh]

I have a dilemma. My daughter invited one of her friends from school to accompany us on our first trip to Universal Studios. She has not spoken to this "friend" since school has let out (5-26). This morning I received an email from the mom asking if the trip was still planned. My dd now does not want this person to come and feels like their friendship is not as strong as it was. How do I respond to the mom? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I'm sure the friendship will pick back up once school resumes, but my dd really does not want her to come. Please help!!!

If my DD were invited on a vacation with another child and her family and she hadn't had any communication with the invitor in 6+ weeks, I would not feel very comfortable sending my DD along.

If for whatever reason OP is not comfortable with DD's friend coming along, for pete sake, just say so. The invitee would probably get that vibe if she went along anyway, and she'd be stuck wishing she was home rather than being an unwanted guest. Spare her.

(If friend goes along, are you all sharing one hotel room? I would hope there is a 2nd connecting room...or a house/condo)

 

[cornflake]

Sometimes, being the key word.
This is a major trip that she has been waiting a long time for.
And to have it ruined because they can't get along would be horrible.
Sure, that girl would be upset - but not for long.
And, anyways, if they were fighting the whole time - neither of them would have fun, and the other girl would probably just want to go home.

First, they're 13. You run that risk any time you're taking more than one kid on a trip. They could be bestest friends when you leave, get in a tiff on the plane and they hate each other the rest of the trip.

Second, the girl wouldn't be upset for long? She was presumably invited on a trip to Disney that, presumably, she's been looking forward too. Like, kind of, the OP's kid. Which you acknowledge, because you later say -

And, should they not get along, neither will have a good time.
If they didn't have a good time, that probably means the rest of the family won't, either.

My daughter would remember it a looong time if something so big that she was looking forward to for so long, was ruined.

I don't understand how you figure the other girl will just get over it but your kid would remember it for a looooong time.

Again, the whole thing about if the kids don't get along... a risk on any trip with more than one human being. What if two siblings get in some big fight and refuse to speak? Same thing. That happens. The OP suggests the daughter holds no particular grudge and she thinks they'll be friends once school starts. There's no reason to rescind an invitation based on 'well, my daughter sorta changed her mind.' The people telling the OP to take the girl based on that aren't meaning it to teach a lesson like 'that'll show her' but 'that is not how we treat people, it's rude and uncalled for and hurtful.'

 

[Erin1700]

I think I would still invite her if you were going on a day trip somewhere. But a big vacation like this I am not sure about.

 

[Nancy]

Baby girl? She's freaking 13. I remember when I was 13. We were all sooooo dramatic in everything. If I dropped all my girlfriends, or they dropped me for something like that nobody would have friends.

Am I like the only one who remembers how kids were then? I remember getting the snot beat out at me in Jr. high. I still chuckle about it. It happened, we dusted off and later that day was probably off buying a popsicle from the ice cream man. I'm sorry, but those were the days. I'd hate to be growing up in today's society.

LOL. I remember how it was back then. I never got beat up but boy did I fight with my friends and I know we all said some pretty nasty things..but here we are in our early 50's and we are still friends. We don't even see each other for months and months at a time and then we get together and it's like we saw each other yesterday.

My DD's have had some good fights with their friends and my DH used to want to call the parents so we could talk about it. My reaction was always "why bother, by tomorrow they'll be best friends again". After the third or forth time he just said "I'll never understand girls" LOL.

 

[Swan4Me]

If my DD were invited on a vacation with another child and her family and she hadn't had any communication with the invitor in 6+ weeks, I would not feel very comfortable sending my DD along.

If for whatever reason OP is not comfortable with DD's friend coming along, for pete sake, just say so. The invitee would probably get that vibe if she went along anyway, and she'd be stuck wishing she was home rather than being an unwanted guest. Spare her.

(If friend goes along, are you all sharing one hotel room? I would hope there is a 2nd connecting room...or a house/condo)

I agree-I wouldnt take a kid on a trip, for that length of time, unless they were really close friends. And it seems like they arent anymore

 

[notanoob]

I would tell my daughter it is up to her if she wants to bring the friend or not.

If she doesn't want to then she needs to tell the friend she has decided it isn't a good idea. If bringing her would make her absolutely miserable, then nip it now before getting there and being miserable.


If she does want to then I would tell my daughter she better be prepared for any drama or negativity or whatever there may be and if there are problems then everyone better put on their happy face and get along because their drama will not ruin everyone else's vacation as well.


to everyone who is saying she extended an invite deal with it, whether she wants to or not: It isn't a movie down the block people, it's an expensive vacation far from home. If bringing this person will make my child, and therefore my entire family, uncomfortable and miserable -- or -- not bringing the person makes the invited person feel slighted well, no need to toss a coin, sorry third party---you are out, invite revoked-sayonara!

 

[monsterkitty]

Honestly, the not really talking over summer break is not that uncommon for middle school aged kids, especially if one is with another parent during the summer. Yes, cell phones and FB should make it easier to keep in touch, but the drift can still be there. Just because they are not spending as much time together doesn't mean they are not still good friends.

And the slap? I can't count the number of time BFFs have gotten in fights at school only to be friends again later that day or week. It's middle school and that is how they roll.

OP, if you are that concerned about the trip, talk to the mother. Express your concerns and leave it up to the mom and her daughter.

 

[Johndoodle]

Sure give in to every wimp you're daughter has. In a few years you will be the one that has to call her boss because she does not like him or the job.
Big, Big snowflake alert here.

 

[horseshowmom]

As a Mom, I would want to talk to the other mom and say "the girls had a tough time at the end of the school year" and see where her thoughts are about the trip, is the girl excited and still wants to go, etc. And if the other mom gives feedback that she is excited, etc, then I would tell DD to have a talk with her and say let's go have fun, skip the boy talk and enjoy ourselves. Friends come in and out of your lives, and you never know why! If the mom says she's on the fence, not sure, then I would give her the opportunity to gracefully back out. Otherwise, I'm more on the "you made your bed" train of thought. Teenagers can be awful to each other, but my friend and I from that age are still friends, even after all the bad stuff!!

I think this is great advice.

This is pretty much what I was going to say as well. While I would have had a major issue with the slapping incident, the time for that was back when it happened. Now, I would follow the course of action described by ahutton.

 

[disykat]

If my DD were invited on a vacation with another child and her family and she hadn't had any communication with the invitor in 6+ weeks, I would not feel very comfortable sending my DD along.

If for whatever reason OP is not comfortable with DD's friend coming along, for pete sake, just say so. The invitee would probably get that vibe if she went along anyway, and she'd be stuck wishing she was home rather than being an unwanted guest. Spare her.

(If friend goes along, are you all sharing one hotel room? I would hope there is a 2nd connecting room...or a house/condo)

I agree. I don't get how people are so concerned that someone else's child will be disappointed that they're not gettting their free trip? Boo freaken hoo.

If the other child had some sort of big investment in this trip, such as money, large amounts of time, etc. I could see it. But an invitation that hasn't even been mentioned in over a month?

 

[disykat]

Reverse the situation - your daughter was invited on a big trip. You talked to them about a month ago. Since then, your daughter has been at... her grandparent's farm for a month. You now email the mother to check on the plans and she's suddenly all 'uhm, yeah, we decided not to take your kid.' How would you feel? I bet you'd be on here, kind of shocked and blindsided, because you had no idea and people would be sympathetic about the person who was cancelling on your kid at the last minute and what if you had plans for when your daughter was going to be away and how dare they, how rude....

I would not be angry that someone else decided not to take MY child on THEIR family vacation. If I had been planning on using them as childcare so I could make my own plans, I would be disappointed about having to change my plans but I would realize it was their perogative not to take my child on their trip. My child is my responsibility, not theirs.

No you said she wouldn't be hurt for long.

Has your child ever been excluded at the last minute? ever been invited then uninvited at the last minute? It hurts and they don't get over it easily or quickly and they remember it a looong time.

If they decided to dump my child and take someone else, I can see her being hurt. However, OP has mentioned no such thing, simply that she may no longer be invited. I would expect my child to understand that going on another family's vacation is not a "given" even if they were once invited.

 

[Ceila]

One of my jobs as a mom is to teach my kids how to handle disappointment.

One of my jobs as a human being on this planet is to try my absolute hardest to not hurt other people's feelings and to teach my kids to not hurt others.

To issue an invitation and then to rescind it for no other reason than "my child changed her mind" is coldhearted. The time to consider whether adding someone else might affect my children's ability to enjoy themselves is before the invitation is made, not a month or two after inviting them. I cannot believe how many people here would be so willing to dis-invite a child or teen like this. Yes, my kids are my first priority, but that does NOT mean that I will allow them to hurt others.

 

[NHdisneylover]

One of my jobs as a mom is to teach my kids how to handle disappointment.

One of my jobs as a human being on this planet is to try my absolute hardest to not hurt other people's feelings and to teach my kids to not hurt others.

To issue an invitation and then to rescind it for no other reason than "my child changed her mind" is coldhearted. The time to consider whether adding someone else might affect my children's ability to enjoy themselves is before the invitation is made, not a month or two after inviting them. I cannot believe how many people here would be so willing to dis-invite a child or teen like this. Yes, my kids are my first priority, but that does NOT mean that I will allow them to hurt others.

I have read most of the posts and this is what I agree with (sorry but the slapping thing, if it was truly a big deal as now described but not mentioned early on, should have been dealt with THEN--now it is just being used as an excuse to justify the change of mind.

I will add to the bolded line (or change it I guess) to be: My kids are my first priority and as such I must teach them to be good and responsible and kind people and not allow them to hurt others without strong justification.

 

[aprilgail2]

If it's true, the OP's daughter sounds like she was pretty rude to her friend, not that it justifies being slapped, but knowing how teen girls tend to exaggerate, I wonder if it was really even a slap or just being silly.

Then if it bothered you so much why didn't you cancel the day after it happened or at least back in May? You don't do that to a person. You don't promise and dangle something in front of them and then pull it away at the last minute. That just isn't right.

That girls heart will be broken.

So many questions unanswered ........ My DD has gotten into a fist fight with her BF and they are still BF's. A lot of teens lose touch over the summer and then get back into it together. I have taken her on vacation. This vacation would be like that. I hope this child has spent time at your house before so you know how she acts on a regular basis.

.

Same here!

NOthing worse than 13 yo girl drama...and how could ther not be with how they left it They are no longer friends, there was physical violince, how could you even consider bringing this former friend on the trip

LOL-my friends and I used to have fights as teens and yes- it was physical--here we are 35 years later and godparents to each others kids and have vacationed together many many times, even back at 13 years old after a knock down drag out fight my parents took her on vacation with us and we had a great time. And i have to say if someone said something rude like the OP's daughter did, back then I would have smacked them too and expected to get a smack if I had said something like that.

 

[Magic Mom]

One of my jobs as a mom is to teach my kids how to handle disappointment.

One of my jobs as a human being on this planet is to try my absolute hardest to not hurt other people's feelings and to teach my kids to not hurt others.

To issue an invitation and then to rescind it for no other reason than "my child changed her mind" is coldhearted. The time to consider whether adding someone else might affect my children's ability to enjoy themselves is before the invitation is made, not a month or two after inviting them. I cannot believe how many people here would be so willing to dis-invite a child or teen like this. Yes, my kids are my first priority, but that does NOT mean that I will allow them to hurt others.

Bingo!

 

[Swan4Me]

One of my jobs as a mom is to teach my kids how to handle disappointment.


I cannot believe how many people here would be so willing to dis-invite a child or teen like this. Yes, my kids are my first priority, but that does NOT mean that I will allow them to hurt others.

If my child had no contact with this girl for , now almost 6 weeks, I would simply say that our plans have changed and we no longer can take a guest. I wouls not force my child to take someone they werent playing/talking with.

I have taken many kids on vacation as teens, in fact every trip as teens we had guests to the lake and the beach. they were current friends and buddies that they hung out with-not someone they hadnt seen in weeks.

I think its nuts the parents wanting to force the girl to take this girl that she doesnt want to

 

[Hannathy]

One of my jobs as a mom is to teach my kids how to handle disappointment.

One of my jobs as a human being on this planet is to try my absolute hardest to not hurt other people's feelings and to teach my kids to not hurt others.

To issue an invitation and then to rescind it for no other reason than "my child changed her mind" is coldhearted. The time to consider whether adding someone else might affect my children's ability to enjoy themselves is before the invitation is made, not a month or two after inviting them. I cannot believe how many people here would be so willing to dis-invite a child or teen like this. Yes, my kids are my first priority, but that does NOT mean that I will allow them to hurt others.

Agree 100%

 

[cm8]

Sure give in to every wimp you're daughter has. In a few years you will be the one that has to call her boss because she does not like him or the job.
Big, Big snowflake alert here.

I agree. I don't get how people are so concerned that someone else's child will be disappointed that they're not gettting their free trip? Boo freaken hoo.

If the other child had some sort of big investment in this trip, such as money, large amounts of time, etc. I could see it. But an invitation that hasn't even been mentioned in over a month?

My money, my decision. Physical violence aside, if the girls are no longer friends,I would not be bringing anyone along to ruin my trip. I'll get enough of other peoples attitudes and rudeness on the trip, I sure as heck won't tolerate it in my travel crowded:

 

[goofyintoronto]

I would not be angry that someone else decided not to take MY child on THEIR family vacation. If I had been planning on using them as childcare so I could make my own plans, I would be disappointed about having to change my plans but I would realize it was their perogative not to take my child on their trip. My child is my responsibility, not theirs.


If they decided to dump my child and take someone else, I can see her being hurt. However, OP has mentioned no such thing, simply that she may no longer be invited. I would expect my child to understand that going on another family's vacation is not a "given" even if they were once invited.

Totally agree.

If my child had no contact with this girl for , now almost 6 weeks, I would simply say that our plans have changed and we no longer can take a guest. I wouls not force my child to take someone they werent playing/talking with.

I have taken many kids on vacation as teens, in fact every trip as teens we had guests to the lake and the beach. they were current friends and buddies that they hung out with-not someone they hadnt seen in weeks.

I think its nuts the parents wanting to force the girl to take this girl that she doesnt want to

This!



So many ppl are making it out to be such a big deal, like this girl is gonna need therapy afterwards. I keep reading the same thing on here: "oh my gawd the girl is gonna be sooooo hurt and crushed and scarred for life. You have to take her on the trip. Its the right thing to do. I have not and will not teach my child to hurt others that way, even thou someone slaps you in the face and you dont really care for them anymore as a friend, you have to take them anyway because you promised. Who cares if you might have a terrible time fighting with this person, and who cares if we're paying for it, its the right thing to do. This girls feelings comes before yours dear daughter. I am willing to risk a peaceful vacation just to teach you a lesson dear daughter " Incredible! Im truly amazed.