Please HELP (this is mostly venting and some advice would be GREAT!)

[MrsMcgaugh]

Disclosure: I posted this on "the knot" (wedding site) those people are sooo hateful and mean and unrealistic...i know alot of you all so i figured i would get better more "family" oriented responses here

Is anyone else find that their wedding planning is very painful? and awful and that you want to pull your hair out!!


My family is made up of MY MOTHER, MY GRANNY (dads mom), NANA (moms mom). who ALL have an opinion about everything!! My fiances aunt and grandmother went with me to look at dresses and they put a down payment of $400 down on my dress. MY MOTHER WAS HORRIFIED! she said she would never forgive me and i ruined her life. My mother offered her wedding dress (which was hideous on me, and my mother said she did not care if i wore it or not) my mother just was mad she was not included on the dress and she did not get the option to pay for it.

My mother has no money....she is a stay at home mom and they make good money BUT she is thousands of dollars in debt and has a 9 yr old to raise...she could not have paid for my dress (even at $500) AND she never visits me and with school i dont go see her

Let me add that my mother lives 4 hrs away from me, and 7 hrs away from where i am getting married (where my FH is from)

We chose to get married in my fiances hometown because him and his family have a home church that they have always gone to and the preacher baptized him as well as me. The church also was free as well as the fellowship hall to hold the reception. MY NANA WAS FURIOUS because she would have to drive 2 HOURS from her hometown (my family lives spread out) she wanted me to get married in my mothers church...which served no sentimental value to anyone...it was a wedding chapel and even my mother said "who cares"

Me and my fiance are college students and my FH is in the army and money is tight so we are willing to accept all the help we can get.

The flowers...My NANA want me to have silk flowers...im not thrilled. I am getting married in MAY! i wanted some real flowers SHE WAS PISSED!! She said they are too expensive and some people have allergies...I am now getting silk flowers

The food...My Granny said a long time ago she would buy my food for the reception (finger foods, punch) she would take me to Costco a couple days before the wedding and we would get it and the ladies of the church would prepare it. MY MOM WAS MAD! she said my granny (her ex mother in law) was forcing herself in to the mother role and she started to cry.

The bridal showers...my NANA wanted to throw a shower and invite all of her ex husbands family (who she does not get along with) she was mad when we said that many people (including his new wife) may be offended and it was kind of taboo. NANA threw a FIT and said im not coming to the wedding...

What do i do? i am so tired and i have 3 more months of this. EVERYTHING IS A FIGHT! i cant not have the wedding because we want it to be in the eyes of God and our family. His family is being so good to me, but when i include them MY FAMILY GETS UPSET!!

We have said that if we cant afford it we dont need it!! they dont understand!!!

The only thing i will not let them dictact is my 2 week honeymoon in WDW

I cant disrespect my family!! i just cant...


Im so lost and tired and miserable

 

[TiffJ]

First, let me say I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. What is supposed to be one of the happiest & exicting times of your life is making you miserable.

I think your mom probably is feeling guilty that she cannot help out like she wants and it expressing it the wrong way.

In the end it is your wedding. You need to do it they way you want and if DF's family is helping out and making things better, accept gratefully! I do not think it is disrespectful to let your family know what you are planning and why. I think you might need to sit down with those who are causing the issues. Explain what you have planned, why it is special to you and tell them that you would like them to be involved in your special day but you cannot be torn apart like this. It is your & DF's day. Do not cave in to others just becuase it is what they want. Ideally, you only get one wedding, do not look back on it with regret. I hope you figure out a way to make things fun during this time! Good luck!

 

[girli565]

You need to do what makes you and your fiance happy, ultimately it's one day and maybe if it's such a problem, just elope

 

[figment fan21]

Awe hun i am so sorry you are dealing with all of this!



families are hard and i know from experience too... even having a small escape wedding in disney is proving to be quite a challenge. But from what i've learned through the experience is this....

Your family are who they are... period! there is no changing them. What you need to do is not let the negativity in. As hard as that might seem you need to let you mom and everyone else involved know right up front that this wedding is not about hurting this ones feelings or that ones feelings... its about you and your future husband and the love that you have for each other. You're not asking for hand outs and it seems like you're being frugal and smart about the whole thing. But if someone wants to help you when others can't there is no shame in letting them help. I agree with the previous poster that i think your mom is sad she can't do more to help and is going about it the wrong way.

I'd try and have a heart to heart with your mom and get everything out on the table.

Don't worry hun! everything will work out... and in the mean time we're all here for you to vent to!

Don't let negativity bring you down hunny! be happy that you're marrying your prince charming AND that you get to spend two whole weeks in disney!!!

 

[GirTheGecko]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you and your family can find a middle ground and not turn the happiest day of your life into a nightmare. Have you told them that the negativity is bothering you? Sometimes just saying that the negativity is bothering you helps people realize what they're doing. I agree with the pp that says to try to talk to them in a civil manner.

I hope you can get your dream day with no more stress.

 

[BecBennett]

There's not much I can add, but I can imagine how hard it must be for you.

 

[Stephie77]

I went through TONS of drama and heartbreak with my wedding-just check out my pj. My mom was less than thrilled that I was getting married in WDW and not having the big NY wedding. We argued and fought about everything. Basically I told her that this is my day, DH and I are paying for it and this is what we want. SHe continued to fight about everything but I stood my ground. It is about you and your DF getting married and taking vows. That is the most important thing. I could understand your parents getting more involved if they were helping with the bill but it seems that your mother is not able to if I read correctly. I think do need to sit down with your mother and your nana and really explain how you feel. You also need to let your nana know that she is overstepping her boundries and needs to take a step back. You just need to stand your ground. That is what I did and it all ended up working out in the end. Honestly, my grandpa died the day after my wedding (he was very sick-you want to hear about stress planning a wedding read my story), he held out until he heard from me on my wedding day that I was married not to ruin my day since he was the most wonderful man. but if my wedding was not in florida, my mom would not have been able to make it his house (also in florida) to be with him when he passed. she then admitted that if i had not had the wedding in WDW she would not have been there with him. everyones story is different yes but i believe that everything happens for a reason and your family should be supportive no matter what you decide. again, stand your ground. it is not becoming disrespectful by stating this is what you want and standing your ground if you are doing everything for this wedding. im sorry but you are an adult and they should also respect you. it works both ways and i have realized that while planning this wedding. respect is earned no matter who it is. what does your DF say?

to break it down-is your nana paying for these silk flowers? if not tell her no, i want real ones. you can go to a floral shop and make your own arrangements to save money. if she is offering to pay, you can still tell her no and do it yourself.

is your nana the only one throwing you a shower? is her exhusband you grandpa? i am confused as to why she would want to invite those people. again, sit down and try to discuss it calmly with her. write a list of why you feel this way so you are prepared.

is this the type of food you want for your reception? why is your mom so upset. it is still your grandmother and she obviously wants to help you in some way. you need to explain that to your mother or see if your mother has any other ideas to help you out.

you all need to work together some how but always remember it is your and DFs day and noone can or should take that away from you.

 

[babyrich]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.... but DONT.... stop trying to make sure everyone is happy, this is your wedding, the only ones that need to be happy and satisfied on that day are you and your DF. If granny is unhappy, sorry but too bad, stay home. Send a letter explaining that if she chooses not to come you will be very sad; but you can not let this hang over your head. Let her know how much you appreciate her help; but you need to be happy with the decisions too.

I agree that your mom is probably just upset she cant help more and is expressing it wrong. Tell her again that, you love her and this is why you dont want to burden her with the expense.

People feel if they are paying for something, than they should have a say. I completely disagree.

As for the flowers, tell nana, thank you but you had your heart set on real flowers for your bouquet, so you will cover the cost. You can get a beautiful arrangement that doesnt cost much as long as you stick to inexpensive flowers. In May, you will have many choices.

Are you able to postpone the wedding until you and DF can cover the cost yourself? My husband and I were engaged for 2 1/2 years, we paid ourselves and did what we wanted to do.

Some time you just have to tell people the truth, even when it hurts them a little. It sounds as if people are pretending to help you; but really have their own agenda. Stop it now!

Good luck and God Bless!

 

[alwaysdisney]

I agree with all the previous posts, you need to write a list and sit down with your family and let them know how you feel. Tell your mom in private that you were thinking about her financial situation and you would like for her to help you out other ways, such as donating some time, like putting together the wedding favors, or ask her if she could look through her jewelry box for somthing special that you can wear as you walk down the aisle, maybe a pin of some sort, that has special meaning to your mom. Put your arms around your mom and tell her that anyone can buy a wedding dress but no one can ever take away the love you have in your heart for your mom. Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to do.
If your mom & family still give you grief, then continue planning you & DF day and don't discuss it with your family anymore, and if they ask any questions, tell them the invitation will have all of the information.

 

[tinkerbell1988]

i'm so sorry your family aren't being very co-operative! i know it sounds difficult to do, but don't let them get you down! it is YOUR day! if you want real flowers, have real flowers! don't let anyone push you into having something you don't want. you will only get ONE wedding day - after all your mum, granny and nana have all had theirs! (i'm assuming) and if they didn't get what they wanted on their days, it's not your problem. sounds to me like they're being a little selfish and aren't considering your feelings in all this - just make sure enjoy your day, and the planning process! like i said you'll only get one wedding day - i don't need to tell you to enjoy your honeymoon, because it's at WDW!! of course you both will!!!

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I remember the fights when I got married the first time. My mom, whom I love dearly, said to me that this wedding was for her, not me. I could get what I wanted when I had a daughter.

Oh, the fight over the green beans was the worst!

I can laugh about it now because I am looking back and time has healed the wounds. Not to mention we were only married 5 years before we divorced.

My fiance and I are going to get married sometime this year, after our baby is born. We are considering a Vegas wedding and not inviting a soul!!! I guess wedding #2 is for the bride!

Good luck to you, though... Its hard to let this stuff pass... I hope it goes as quickly and painlessly as possible for you!

 

[Tink_Kel]

I'm so sorry you are having this issues! Here's some food for thought...

Since your FH is in the Army, you can have your wedding at the Shades of Green, the military resort on Disney World. They have a little gazebo you can rent for only $125 (What a bargain, the only Disney wedding you can have that is cheaper than the Escape minimum ($4500?)!!)

I would suggest you and DF just elope to WDW and have a little intimate ceremony in the gazebo!! Nobody to worry about, but the happy couple! Florida law doesn't even require witnesses.

This is what me and my DH did....only we brought my two teen boys too (they just stayed a couple of days)! Initially, we were going to have a larger wedding, but we wanted to spend our money on the important thing....THE DISNEYMOON, which was totally awesome (barring rain issues). Our family is spread all over...I think in the long run, they were relieved that we chose to go to WDW instead of them having to travel.

Also, you can always have a small reception(s) when you return...one for Nana, one for Granny, and one for mom!