Please help me tell my DD.....daddy left...Update 1 year later!(1st post)

[alldiz]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

I was going to wait.....but i couldn't get past page 2 without responding.
He was married before.....that was OVER when i met him. She left him....I was 25 he was 42....he never talked bad about her....i believed his line of bull....turns out he is a cheatin dog.

I would definitely get her in counseling. They will tell things to a total stranger that wouldn't believe. Mostly because they are afraid to hurt your feelings. It sounds like you've got a line on what you're going to tell her. She's probably already guessed something is up, and trust me they form their own opinions pretty quick. Just keep telling her a) it's not her fault, has nothing to do with her, and b) he does still love her.

It's hard. Good luck, and we're here for you.

I will need to get therapy for sure.....my main concern is to keep positive for her.

OP..many hugs to you and your dd.

My ex couldn't talk about divorce to the kids...so he left it up to me to get them through. My one dd was 6 and I can only tell you that when she asked I explained that sometimes parents need a break from each other but that doesn't mean we don't love her. And I made sure not to talk about it everyday to the kids..only when it came up after the first couple days. After that I made every day a new one for us. My ex hated food in the living room..we had picnics on movie night on a blanket in the living room every friday...basically we started a new life for ourselves that was about us. Keep the explanations on her level as much as possible without a lot of detail of the adult part. She is little still, she will need you to help her with change. This change can be a 'good' thing. When the kids worried about going to their dad's for Christmas I made a big deal about getting presents twice. Every thing I did and all explanations to them were kept positive.

Good luck..I know how hard it is to stay positive and upbeat during this time. Take care of you too and don't blame yourself if you make three steps back and one step forward or say something you don't mean too...it will be hard and sometimes its not so easy to be the 'good guy' or the one taking the higher road. Just chalk itup to being human and not making that mistake again.

Kelly

thanks for all the kind words.....He called when i was at work yesterday and told my mother he will be home on mon......i'm going to wait to tell my dd anything till he gets home....I don't know how to prepare her.....daddy loves you and he will be around to still see you everyday....OR....Daddy is living out of state....but loves you very much.....so annoyed....again my life is on hold waiting for this jerk.
Kerri

 

[sunnyday123]

I LOVE the idea that a 4 yo could say, "I love you but I'm mad at you right now and I don't want to talk to you!" How GREAT is that!!??

Thanks Shortbun and Bumber!! I am really proud of her, because I know I couldn't do that. The sad part is, she has no respect for him. She has said, on one of the many occasions he's cancelled a visit at the last minute, that that's just the way he is, he doesn't make good decisions, but he's her Dad and she loves him anyway. He will eventually make up the visit to her. I've worked hard to make sure she's doesn't view our divorce or his issues as her problems.

It is hard OP, but it can be done. Your daughter just has to be your first priority. The way I look at it is our divorce fixed all the problems we had. We don't argue anymore (about the past) and NEVER in front of her. I can't change his decisions, or who he is. You have to work with what you have.

Good luck.

 

[kellyg403]

thanks for all the kind words.....He called when i was at work yesterday and told my mother he will be home on mon......i'm going to wait to tell my dd anything till he gets home....I don't know how to prepare her.....daddy loves you and he will be around to still see you everyday....OR....Daddy is living out of state....but loves you very much.....so annoyed....again my life is on hold waiting for this jerk.
Kerri

Try not to define or make excuses for dad. Let him 'own' his relationship with her. If he tells her he will come every friday at 6 and doesn't show up you will have enough deal with without making excuses. The counselor will help you with techniques for those situations. Sometimes I would plan something for them just in case. My ex was famous for not showing up, changing when he wanted to show up. So when he didn't show or changed it to the next day I would say "I am sorry things changed, but hey lets go see that movie" to take their mind off it and for them to realize I am here and consistent. If they wanted to talk about it, cry about it, I listened and tried do no nothing more than that. It got so over time that that dd, the 6 year old, when she got about 11 started telling him she couldn't make it on his weekend because she had a birthday party or something. He didn't realize that HE himself taught her that their time together was so unimportant until that moment. It may happen that way. The best thing IMHO is to find a way to be neutral and to be listening and watching and to let her daddy define the relationship. You just reassure her about your role in life, how much you both love her. He has to learn to separate the adult relationship from the parent relationship and that is the hard one.

Good luck..and the counselor for yourself. Great Idea! I was able to say a whole lotta things out loud that I was squelching in front of the kids. It felt so good to be able to say what a moron he was to another person!

Kelly

 

[alldiz]

I'm so so sorry.

No one really knows what's right or wrong (besides never downing the father of course - that's like downing the child because she is part of him) - I'm sure even therapists have different viewpoints. However, I got a chill with the "daddy loves you more than anything". If he doesn't step up - if he doesn't do what he needs to do in life - if he disappoints her - well she is going to see right through that even at seven. Because actions are gold. Words are not. And really all little girls need to know this as they are growing up - it's action not words. Because we all know that there are talkers with tongues of gold and then there are the beautiful men of action.

Also, I have a friend who always painted her ex with a beautiful stroke to her child. She thought that was right - we all did. The child then saw the situation as her mother's fault. (Not saying she should have downed him - but maybe over time brought in some soft reality of the situation at some point as she got older). So so many angles to look at.

I would just try to keep it simple as possible - live a beautiful life with her (actions to hold onto) and answer questions as best you can. Maybe at some point as she gets older you can use - "Daddy is struggling with some things - and these things have nothing to do with you or me - nothing at all - someitimes people struggle and it's their job to figure it out - people can try to help but they truly can only figure it out in their own way". That is the truth.

And maybe so that she knows that she shouldn't equate that with leaving you can give an example in your own life or hers - that you struggled and figured out the answer.

Love to you.

this is an angle i can use......he really is struggling.....he really is despondant....he apparently loves "all of us".....sorry not gonna be part of "big love NY"...

I just wanted to chime in with a non-bleak view of the "daddy left us" scenario. My dad left when I was 2. He had nothing to do with me until I was 5 and he re-married. Because he was living in housing provided by the forces if he had two children instead of just one (new wife's son) they would be able to have a bigger house. So from ages 5 - 12 I go got go over there every other weekend. (Except when Daddy forgot, or something came up, or they didn't want me...)

My mother was a saint. She never said a word against him and held me when I had been waiting outside for hours and he didn't show up.

I learned on my own that my father was a waste of skin. I'm not traumatized or messed up because he left. My grandfather took over that role in my life. As an adult I can appreciate how much strength it took my mother to be so neutral about him.

OP, your little girl will be fine. She will learn on her own that her father is a waste and she will need you there when she does. But she will not be scarred for life over this. You obviously love her very, very much and having a parent who loves you unconditionally will make up for just about everything.

I hope so....

I'd tell her the truth....that "Daddy has some things he needs to figure out that have nothing to do with you or me, and that he has gone away to try and figure them out".
If she asks when he will be back, the proper response is "I don't know". If she asks if Daddy loves her, the proper response is "Yes, but sometimes when people get really confused it may not seem that way".

Then start making a new life with just you and her...do different things, have different experiences. Counselling would probably help as well...

Oh, and Cheshire Figment, did we take an extra dose of our "let me be nasty & jump to conclusions" pills this morning????? My goodness. FTR, my father retired from his first career at age 48. Started another career where he retired again at 65.

yes....i'll have to start getting creative and plan new things

I would like to say that I did not know CF's wife died. I would not have used that ananlogy with his wife to make my point, if I knew otherwise. I'm sorry to hear that his wife died. I'm sure he isn't a bad person and I'm not either, things just get lost in translation on a message board.

FWIW, I have never reported anybody for a personal attack and I think it is pretty ****ty of him to do it to me.

I can't believe that you got reported after "he" through the 1st stone......gotta love a "thinskin".....

Anyways.....I just want to thank everyone for so many great words of wisdom....Yes i know my problems won't be solved on a message board....but it comforts me to hear these words at a time when everything is so uncertain.

He is coming home tomorrow.....i'm assuming....i know bad idea...that he is coming to tie loose ends and hit the road.....i haven't even addressed the idea in my head that he might want to stay
Kerri

 

[sunnyday123]

thanks for all the kind words.....He called when i was at work yesterday and told my mother he will be home on mon......i'm going to wait to tell my dd anything till he gets home....I don't know how to prepare her.....daddy loves you and he will be around to still see you everyday....OR....Daddy is living out of state....but loves you very much.....so annoyed....again my life is on hold waiting for this jerk.
Kerri

It is on hold, but then again it isn't. You have every right to make a decision now. Have a plan for when he graces you with his presence on Monday. What you are going to tell him, etc. Throw him a garbage bag to put his stuff in that is sitting on the front lawn. Just remember NO ONE has the right to treat you or your daughter as something that is disposable. It's better to be single and happy than married and misreable. Ok, enough cliches! You will make it through this, and you will be better off. Just keep it to a minimum as to what you tell her. "Daddy still loves you very much, and we're going to talk to Daddy about when he sees you because he does want to, and no matter where he lives, he will always love you and be your Daddy."

Then, go in the bathroom, quietly close the door, run the water, ( so she can't hear or suspect) and have the conversation you really want to have with him with the mirror. It helps to get if off your chest. Good luck.

 

[alldiz]

It is on hold, but then again it isn't. You have every right to make a decision now. Have a plan for when he graces you with his presence on Monday. What you are going to tell him, etc. Throw him a garbage bag to put his stuff in that is sitting on the front lawn. Just remember NO ONE has the right to treat you or your daughter as something that is disposable. It's better to be single and happy than married and misreable. Ok, enough cliches! You will make it through this, and you will be better off. Just keep it to a minimum as to what you tell her. "Daddy still loves you very much, and we're going to talk to Daddy about when he sees you because he does want to, and no matter where he lives, he will always love you and be your Daddy."

Then, go in the bathroom, quietly close the door, run the water, ( so she can't hear or suspect) and have the conversation you really want to have with him with the mirror. It helps to get if off your chest. Good luck.

I suspect i will be doing a lot of that....he called this morning and said he will be home mon night.....i said sorry to cut your little bootie call short....but i'm working tues, wed and thurs and don't need to be talking you all mon night.....you come home mon morning and we'll hammer some stuff out and talk to julianna when she gets home from school....what a loser
Kerri

 

[kellyg403]

I suspect i will be doing a lot of that....he called this morning and said he will be home mon night.....i said sorry to cut your little bootie call short....but i'm working tues, wed and thurs and don't need to be talking you all mon night.....you come home mon morning and we'll hammer some stuff out and talk to julianna when she gets home from school....what a loser
Kerri

Good for you...definitely talk to him separately from your dd..especially if he is needing to pack some things. The most traumatic thing for the kids was watching the ex put his things in his truck. He needs to get the stuff he is taking before she gets home and he needs to have a serious conversation with you that will undoubtedly be unhappy at a separate time. If it was me, if he didn't have anything to take with him I would meet him at a rest where it can't get too emotional and hammer it out there.

As for the bootie call..trust me when I tell you can not fight two wars at once. Let them have each other don't worry about them...your dd is the only thing that matters now.

Kelly

 

[paintnolish]

My dcs were 4 and 5 when I told them their dad and I were getting divorced. He was not cheating, but they had witnessed lots of screaming fights. Anyway, I did not give a lot of details. I just told them what would be happening...their dad and I did not get along anymore since we were just two different people, we both love them and this had nothing to do with them, they would be living with me at Grandma's (which they were actually excited about) and seeing dad on the weekends. The important thing to remember, as hard as it is, is to never say anything bad about her dad. It is so difficult, I know, but it makes them feel like they have to chose sides. Also, try to get this over and done with soon. The back and forth is really hard on them. If he's leaving, them have him go, soon! Good luck. Feel free to pm me!

 

[alldiz]

Good for you...definitely talk to him separately from your dd..especially if he is needing to pack some things. The most traumatic thing for the kids was watching the ex put his things in his truck. He needs to get the stuff he is taking before she gets home and he needs to have a serious conversation with you that will undoubtedly be unhappy at a separate time. If it was me, if he didn't have anything to take with him I would meet him at a rest where it can't get too emotional and hammer it out there.

As for the bootie call..trust me when I tell you can not fight two wars at once. Let them have each other don't worry about them...your dd is the only thing that matters now.

Kelly

Yes.....my ONLY focus is for my DD......i don't care wha.t he does as long as he will be a good dad and continue to provide for us

My dcs were 4 and 5 when I told them their dad and I were getting divorced. He was not cheating, but they had witnessed lots of screaming fights. Anyway, I did not give a lot of details. I just told them what would be happening...their dad and I did not get along anymore since we were just two different people, we both love them and this had nothing to do with them, they would be living with me at Grandma's (which they were actually excited about) and seeing dad on the weekends. The important thing to remember, as hard as it is, is to never say anything bad about her dad. It is so difficult, I know, but it makes them feel like they have to chose sides. Also, try to get this over and done with soon. The back and forth is really hard on them. If he's leaving, them have him go, soon! Good luck. Feel free to pm me!

Everyday i will pray for the strength to be strong for my DD.
Kerri

 

[sunnyday123]

I suspect i will be doing a lot of that....he called this morning and said he will be home mon night.....i said sorry to cut your little bootie call short....but i'm working tues, wed and thurs and don't need to be talking you all mon night.....you come home mon morning and we'll hammer some stuff out and talk to julianna when she gets home from school....what a loser
Kerri

Just remember, neither of you deserve this. It is so hard to stay neutral when it comes to your kids getting hurt, but it's the best thing for them. Just take it one day at a time, and remember karma will bite him hard.

My X has screwed his life up with so many bad decisions it makes an episode of Jerry Springer look like Family Ties. The only thing I do is protect my daughter from it all, and stay supportive and consistent. And laugh at him when I can.

 

[alldiz]

Just remember, neither of you deserve this. It is so hard to stay neutral when it comes to your kids getting hurt, but it's the best thing for them. Just take it one day at a time, and remember karma will bite him hard.

My X has screwed his life up with so many bad decisions it makes an episode of Jerry Springer look like Family Ties. The only thing I do is protect my daughter from it all, and stay supportive and consistent. And laugh at him when I can.

Exactly....i will be laughing at him if he thinks he is staying in this house past Fri. I'll give him 3 days to look when i am working....she is in school all day and should have time to get his stuff together.
Kerri

 

[sunnyday123]

Exactly....i will be laughing at him if he thinks he is staying in this house past Fri. I'll give him 3 days to look when i am working....she is in school all day and should have time to get his stuff together.
Kerri

FYI..... there is something called a Protection from Emotional Abuse Order...just like a protection from abuse but when the spouse is doing something to cause emotional distress.

I used this to get my X removed from our home, since he was seeing the girl next door and they would be hanging out on my front porch when I came home from work, and he'd watch her kid while she slept-nevermind he wouldn't even watch his own DD while I Xmas'd shopped-at my house. She would call the house all times of the night, and he fully planned on living there until our divorce was final, and property settlement was done. You might want to see if you can get a free phone consultation from an attorney on Monday. Also print out the balances on all your accounts-checking/savings, credit card etc. If he's an authorized user on any of them, he's not responsible. ( Don't tell him that.) I wouldn't even give him 3 days, he's obviously been planning something, he doesn't deserve any consideration at this point.

 

[Forevryoung]

Exactly....i will be laughing at him if he thinks he is staying in this house past Fri. I'll give him 3 days to look when i am working....she is in school all day and should have time to get his stuff together.
Kerri

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I'm on LI too and if there is anything I can do, PM me. Seriously.

And I have a suggestion. Tell him that you know of a great place he can stay this week. Nice and cheap, called the Commack Motor Inn. They even have "free coupons" if you stay over night.


(for those of you not from Long Island, the Commack Motor Inn is a "by the hour" hotel in a nice area )

 

[chell]

thanks for all the kind words.....He called when i was at work yesterday and told my mother he will be home on mon......i'm going to wait to tell my dd anything till he gets home....I don't know how to prepare her.....daddy loves you and he will be around to still see you everyday....OR....Daddy is living out of state....but loves you very much.....so annoyed....again my life is on hold waiting for this jerk.
Kerri

Forgive me if I'm making too far of a leap here, but the bolded line is what grabbed me. How often has your life been on "hold" for him? Is this something he does to you often? Does he "play" you often? If he does and he knows that he can then he may try to pull all sorts of tricks on you. I'm saying this because sadly I was married to this type of man for far too long.

Tomorrow set up a plan with him for visitation with your daughter and for child support and anything else you must have from him. After that send him packing. Make a list tonight of everything you need to go over with him. Make a checklist if you have to. Once those things are settled send him away! Don't let him stick around and suck the life out of you. Don't let him bring you down. Your daughter will pick up on it all.

this is an angle i can use......he really is struggling.....he really is despondant....he apparently loves "all of us".....

He is coming home tomorrow.....i'm assuming....i know bad idea...that he is coming to tie loose ends and hit the road.....i haven't even addressed the idea in my head that he might want to stay
Kerri

He has already left you two, so where you live is no longer his home. Try to be brave and strong and remember this! If he is struggling and despondent remember that is HIS problem, not YOURS. You can't help him. I don't know if you will try, but I'm a "fixer" and that only got me hurt in the past. That's why I'm trying to give you some pointers here. Remember that he left your home already, so it is no longer his home. Tell him to get his **** and get out!

I suspect i will be doing a lot of that....he called this morning and said he will be home mon night.....i said sorry to cut your little bootie call short....but i'm working tues, wed and thurs and don't need to be talking you all mon night.....you come home mon morning and we'll hammer some stuff out and talk to julianna when she gets home from school....what a loser
Kerri

Exactly....i will be laughing at him if he thinks he is staying in this house past Fri. I'll give him 3 days to look when i am working....she is in school all day and should have time to get his stuff together.
Kerri

Like I said up there, please don't let him stay. He's been staying somewhere, so let him go back there! Go over that list and send him on his way.

As far as what to tell your daughter you already have great info on that part. Like many others said, just don't talk bad about him to her.

Again, I hope you can see that I'm not trying to be bossy or anything but trying to be helpful. You have to be strong and stand your ground!

 

[alldiz]

update 1st post.

 

[disneychrista]

1. Never talk bad about her dad....she will find out herself that he is selfish.....like when he came over to visit for Valentines day and didn't bring her anything

I am glad that things are going good for you. But I do have to comment on the above. I never get my kids things for Valentines day. They are my children, not my husband, boyfriend or lover. To me this is what Valentines days is for. Also if this is the worst he does, I think your daughter has a great dad.

 

[momx2]

I am glad that things are going good for you. But I do have to comment on the above. I never get my kids things for Valentines day. They are my children, not my husband, boyfriend or lover. To me this is what Valentines days is for. Also if this is the worst he does, I think your daughter has a great dad.

This!!!!! I agree with every word. OP, so glad things are going so well for you and your DD. I wish all dads cared about their children.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

OP I'm so glad it's working out for all of you and everyone seems to be happier. This is fantastic news. Thanks so much for coming back and letting us know how you're all doing.

 

[kirstenb1]

What a difference a year makes. OP way to go!!!!

 

[alldiz]

I am glad that things are going good for you. But I do have to comment on the above. I never get my kids things for Valentines day. They are my children, not my husband, boyfriend or lover. To me this is what Valentines days is for. Also if this is the worst he does, I think your daughter has a great dad.

He is just generally not good with any holiday. But absolutely.....that should be the worst thing he ever does to her and she will be and is now extremely lucky.

This!!!!! I agree with every word. OP, so glad things are going so well for you and your DD. I wish all dads cared about their children.

Thanks...it is so much easier to have everything go "smoothly"....for the mostpart. He is a great dad....just not such a great husband. Now we can have the best of both worlds. I do feel bad about our "broken" family. But I hope for a Demi Moore/Bruce Willis future....friends.

OP I'm so glad it's working out for all of you and everyone seems to be happier. This is fantastic news. Thanks so much for coming back and letting us know how you're all doing.

Thanks....I think it was good for both of us. I still feel bad for DD but it is amazing how kids adjust to our "new life".

What a difference a year makes. OP way to go!!!!

Thanks....A year from now is my 40th...well July anyway...and i hope to meet some more of my personal goals by then.
Time does go so fast though.
Thanks everyone
Kerri