Please help me tell my DD.....daddy left...Update 1 year later!(1st post)

[sunnyday123]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

nice. you kick everyone when their down? way to jump to a conclusion.

 

[HERSEY]

My greatest piece of advice is to see a counselor. It does help. When it happened to me I cryed and cryed. It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. Just take one day at a time.

You don't need to try to explain and more than you have to your daughter.

Remember she is not your confidante. Something I wish my own mother would have learned. No one but the 2 people in the marriage need to know what failed.

 

[DVCLiz]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

"Hey, I know - I'll just randomly assume that she had an affair and took him from his first wife, so I'll just remind her that turnabout is fair play and she shouldn't be surprised that it's her turn now!! No need to be concerned about the 7 year old at all!"

 

[Colleen27]

I second the idea of finding her a good counselor. My dad pulled a similar move when I was about that age, and although my mom did her best to keep up the "Your dad loves you, he just needs some time", even a 7yo sees through that when Dad doesn't bother to call or visit. No amount of telling us it wasn't our fault could speak as loud as the fact that after he moved out, my father didn't remain in contact or visit regularly.

Focus on your relationship with her, doing special things and having fun together, but realize that she might need someone outside the situation to talk to as she works through this, especially if your husband doesn't grow up and get his $h!t together enough to be a father without being a husband.

 

[kellyg403]

And OP I agree with others about counseling...the one thing I took away from the counselor is that while divorce is traumatic for the kids it doesn't have to be the excuse for every problem they will face in their life. A counselor will help with coping techniques for both of you to get through.

Kelly

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

First of all, that's none of your business. Secondly, she didn't say how old he was. My dad was retired when he was 41 and my mom was 34 (that's when they had me and he decided to be a house husband.)

 

[Colleen27]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Wow, that's a leap! Retired can mean many things, not all of them age-related, and with more and more people focusing on early retirement as a long term goal, I don't think there's any reason to assume retired = 60+.

 

[sunnyday123]

And OP I agree with others about counseling...the one thing I took away from the counselor is that while divorce is traumatic for the kids it doesn't have to be the excuse for every problem they will face in their life. A counselor will help with coping techniques for both of you to get through.

Kelly

Exactly. When I got divorced, everyone was doing talk shows on that 30 year study of the affect of divorce on kids. All these adults were on tv saying how they wished their parents had stayed together, and even if it wasn't a good marriage it would've been better together.

I was so MAD. My parents stayed together for us, and it was the worst thing ever. They didn't talk unless it was something derrogatory, we never did anythign together and you could've cut the tension with a knife. After my brother ran away ( not really he went to a friends at the beach and called them to tell them) I told my Mom either get divorced or neither of them would see either of us again.

It was the best thing for all of us.

Get her into counseling, and now is the time to start new traditions and routines. Have a family night where she picks something fun for you both to do. We do this, and it can be anything from having a picnic in front of the tv to going out to dinner/movie. Go for walks and find how many different colored leaves you can find. Things are going to change, but you can make them fun for her if you try. If you can though, having her own routine ( where you live, school) stay the same helps.

 

[december]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Wow. I can only assume you have some personal baggage you are dragging into this thread. I have an older brother who is 40 and retired over a year ago from the Air Force. I also have friends who have been married for a decade who are still trying to conceive their first child. And even if it is a 2nd marriage, he could have been divorced for awhile, for many other reasons, before marrying the op. Even if this is his 5th marriage, she STILL has cause to be upset! Regardless, there is no place for this comment on this thread.

OP, I say just concentrate on your daughter. Take her on that Disney trip you have planned, and make it a magical time for the two of you. Don't talk negatively about your ex, but don't sugarcoat it either. Your daughter, at 7, probably knows more than you think.

 

[RitaZ.]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Wow! Totally inappropriate post. The OP is asking for suggestions on what to tell her young daughter because her cowardly husband left her to deal with the fallout.

OP, hugs to you and your children. I have no advice on what to say to your daughter. Many medical plans have some kind of counseling service that you can call to ask for advice. If you have something like that, I would call and ask for suggestions on what to tell your daughter. Hang in there.

 

[livie1205]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

THAT was out of line! how rude....my dh will be 48 when he retires (high risk job) and why assume she must be the reason for this! Whatever issues YOU may have please do not assume those are hers!
I am sorry this is happening,I would be crushed if i had to tell my dd that

 

[momof1princess]

OP...my dad left us when i was 9, and i still bear the scars. please be age appropriately honest with your DD. all my brother and i saw was the fighting in the 2 years before he left and then daddy was gone. "daddy still loves you" did nothing to ease the pain of him walking out or explain why he never called or came to see us. i would suggest counseling (paid for by your gutless wonder of a husband) for your DD. i wish my mother had gotten help for us. my brother has distanced himself from the entire family and i have a very tenuous relationship with my father. for you and your DD.

 

[lisaviolet]

I'm so so sorry.

No one really knows what's right or wrong (besides never downing the father of course - that's like downing the child because she is part of him) - I'm sure even therapists have different viewpoints. However, I got a chill with the "daddy loves you more than anything". If he doesn't step up - if he doesn't do what he needs to do in life - if he disappoints her - well she is going to see right through that even at seven. Because actions are gold. Words are not. And really all little girls need to know this as they are growing up - it's action not words. Because we all know that there are talkers with tongues of gold and then there are the beautiful men of action.

Also, I have a friend who always painted her ex with a beautiful stroke to her child. She thought that was right - we all did. The child then saw the situation as her mother's fault. (Not saying she should have downed him - but maybe over time brought in some soft reality of the situation at some point as she got older). So so many angles to look at.

I would just try to keep it simple as possible - live a beautiful life with her (actions to hold onto) and answer questions as best you can. Maybe at some point as she gets older you can use - "Daddy is struggling with some things - and these things have nothing to do with you or me - nothing at all - someitimes people struggle and it's their job to figure it out - people can try to help but they truly can only figure it out in their own way". That is the truth.

And maybe so that she knows that she shouldn't equate that with leaving you can give an example in your own life or hers - that you struggled and figured out the answer.

Love to you.

 

[Ember]

I just wanted to chime in with a non-bleak view of the "daddy left us" scenario. My dad left when I was 2. He had nothing to do with me until I was 5 and he re-married. Because he was living in housing provided by the forces if he had two children instead of just one (new wife's son) they would be able to have a bigger house. So from ages 5 - 12 I go got go over there every other weekend. (Except when Daddy forgot, or something came up, or they didn't want me...)

My mother was a saint. She never said a word against him and held me when I had been waiting outside for hours and he didn't show up.

I learned on my own that my father was a waste of skin. I'm not traumatized or messed up because he left. My grandfather took over that role in my life. As an adult I can appreciate how much strength it took my mother to be so neutral about him.

OP, your little girl will be fine. She will learn on her own that her father is a waste and she will need you there when she does. But she will not be scarred for life over this. You obviously love her very, very much and having a parent who loves you unconditionally will make up for just about everything.

 

[disykat]

Do i just say daddy went away for a while and i don't know when he is coming back.....all i know is that he loves you and will always be your daddy?
Kerri

I think your instincts are spot on. Simple truth.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd tell her the truth....that "Daddy has some things he needs to figure out that have nothing to do with you or me, and that he has gone away to try and figure them out".
If she asks when he will be back, the proper response is "I don't know". If she asks if Daddy loves her, the proper response is "Yes, but sometimes when people get really confused it may not seem that way".

Then start making a new life with just you and her...do different things, have different experiences. Counselling would probably help as well...



Oh, and Cheshire Figment, did we take an extra dose of our "let me be nasty & jump to conclusions" pills this morning????? My goodness. FTR, my father retired from his first career at age 48. Started another career where he retired again at 65.

 

[doxdogy]

Wow, way to kick someone when they are down in the dumps. It can be possible that he is retired military. Yes you are right it was harsh and totally not needed. Leap to conclusions much?

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

 

[Robinrs]

Wow, and I wonder why I don't come here that much anymore....

My 41yo cousin just retired this past weekend. Like the others before me said that throws that ridiculous theory straight out of the window.

I've lived long enough to see karma back up on enough people to KNOW that that statement should and will come back to bite you in the behind.

Oh, and OP, hugs to you and your baby. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen kids go through this and the girls, especially, take it very hard when the first male love in their lives takes off. Always make sure she knows it's NOT her fault, that Daddy loved her so much but was "ill" or "sick" and couldn't take care of her anymore... anything to make her think it was not just a decision he made AGAINST her.

God bless ...

 

[disneychrista]

I like the simple approach, not going into details of why and do not lie either.

Both my kids were very young (2 & pre-newborn) and didn't really know any different when their dad left, so I never had to have this conversation.

 

[krcit]

I'm so sorry OP. Be strong for your little one and then you can come on here and vent about your DH.