Please help! Alzheimer's, caring for elderly, generational issues- Strategies needed

[FutureMrsC]

I'm going to TRY to sum this up and not make it a multiple-post novel. Until now, I haven't really felt the need to post this here, but I'm hoping that someone might have an idea/consideration that hasn't been thought of yet... I'll cross my fingers... please though, if you think of anything, no matter how random, post or PM me... my family is at their wits end.
Here goes...

My grandparents (I'll stick with GM- Grandma & GP Grandpa for abbreviations) are 95 (in May) and 91 respectively (though GP didn't know GM was older when they got married... but that's another story). They've almost been married for 70 years... it will be 70 in August.

I'll preface this by saying that I know that I definitely can't grasp some of these generational issues, and my DM is so stressed that I don't want to burden her with these kind of questions/ideas, so I'm really relying on my DIS family to help me out.

Anyway... back to the situation... GP seems to have been pretty controlling of their (his & GM's marriage)... my DM says that there would be days that he'd leave for work and come home with a new car that he decided to buy (they had at least 1 new car every year)... but my GM wouldn't know anything of it until he got home... and she was the primary one to use it! She drove my DM & DA (aunt) to school every day... I also have a DU (Uncle), but he's a story unto himself... suffice to say, he lives about 45 minutes away and it seems more difficult to get him involved.

I don't really remember much about his control issues growing up, but now that I'm "grown up" (all of 23... I know I still have much to learn!) and married, I can really see things from a different perspective. When GP speaks to ANY woman, (DM, GM, DA, or myself) he's condescending. When he watches game shows, he'd always root for the man in the game... I'm convinced that even if I was on Jeopardy or something like that, he'd root for the man Chauvanistic? Yes... generational? Probably? He quit school in the 6th grade to help out on the farm... and he doesn't bother to "adapt" to the world around him... there is MUCH that he doesn't know, and sometimes when he questions things and you answer him and it wasn't what HE thought the answer would be, he gets all huffy and basically throws a tantrum that reminds me of my 8-9 year old students "Fine! Have it your way... I'm not going to waste MY time and argue with you". Things generally are his way or the highway... it doesn't matter if it inconveniences people... if it's convenient for him, then that's what should happen... if it benefits him, that's what it should be... all of this plays a HUGE part in current happenings.

Fast forward to about a year ago... maybe nearly 2 years... my GM starts getting REALLY forgetful... they'd been completely independent up until then, but when we went to visit we found DGM "polishing the dining room furniture" with 409! We'd assumed it was dimensia... but then March of last year, we found out that she had mid-stage alzheimers. It's really difficult to pinpoint exactly where she is stage wise, trying to decide what's the alzheimers' and what's just being elderly. Even though multiple people (Dr's, Nurses, Physical/Occupational therapists) have explained to GP what's going on, his belief is that she does all this stuff because she doesn't love him anymore. She babbles because she wants to tick HIM off... she wakes up and talks in the middle of the night because she wants to irritate HIM... he's kicked her out of the house before because HE was through with her... not exactly following the "in sickness and in health" part of their wedding vows...

DM's duties originally: take Grandparents to dr's... deal with medicines/medicare...
DA's duties originally: take over Grandparents finances... help clean the house...

DM's duties currently: bathe GM, feed GM (breakfast and lunch), dress GM, give medicines, brush teeth, keep GM hydrated, help transfer her from her recliner to the dinner table (generally she can walk, but sometimes DM has to pull up on her... sometimes GM has a hard time staying stable... I'm pretty strong, but it's taken a toll on me before... and with DM having back problems already, I don't even want to guess what it's doing to her...) go to the grocery store to get food for my GM (cause GP won't buy what she needs because HE doesn't like it... his words), take care of medicines, medicare, hospital stays, keep in contact with the gerontologist's nurse practitioner, schedule physical therapy, go to dr's appointments, and take my grandparents to church every other Sunday (their church is 45 minutes one way... on a good traffic day).

DA's responsibilities: Clean the house, cook dinner, wash all dishes from the day (or run the dishwasher), entertain GM for the evening, take care of all finances, and spend the night every night just in case something happens... as well as take my grandparents to church every other Sunday.

GP's responsibilities: Garden at least 3 hours a day if DM lets him... get hugs at church... watch old westerns/old TV shows... sit and complain about how bad HE feels... REFUSE for my GM to use a walker because "it makes her look old"... REFUSE for my GM to use a wheelchair for the same reasons he won't let her use a walker... chew my GM out about someone she dated ONCE before they met... whereas he proudly told my brother 2 days ago that he dated 50-60 women before he got married... antagonize my GM about what she doesn't remember... talk about her on the phone when he's standing in front of her "Oh... well she just can't do ANYTHING anymore... she can't remember anything anymore either..." get in my GM's face and ask her who we are (why does it matter? She knows she knows us... does she really need to match a name to a face? Yell at my GM and tell her to shut up when she starts babbling in the middle of the night (whereas when my Aunt comes in there, she can just sweetly talk to her and get her to go back to sleep)...call my mom and tell her she can keep GM because he's finished with her... chew my GM out for not having her hands under the blanket so HE doesn't have to hold a cold hand... and when I say "chew out", I seriously mean chew out... if my DH did that to me, I'd leave so quick! GP didn't start out this bad (to my knowledge) but he's definitely getting worse... but then there are moments (though rare) that he gets really sweet and puts the TV on something she likes (Sesame Street) and sits and holds her hand and watches her fishtank with her...

My DGA (great aunt, my GP's sister) is beyond furious with GP about what he's doing... to her knowledge there wasn't anything that happened in their house that would make him be that way... but she won't say anything because she doesn't want him to not talk to her.

GP has been (obviously) extremely difficult lately. DM refused to start working after my DB graduated (she was insistent on being a SAHM, I hope when I have kids I can be too)... but she was offered a job at a school and she refused so she could help take care of her parents (take them to dr's appointments, etc.). My DF has a great job, but still, it's hard for them to make ends meet sometimes... and my grandparents basically have no financial concerns to ever worry about. At this point, my DM & DA really NEED some help... they're both on antidepressants now, just to get through this. They want to hire somebody to help out... they might even just stick with it if GP would acknowledge what they do. However, he lately has had the gall to demand that my mom come over so that HE can garden... he can't give her a break ever... it's STILL all about him. He even asked if DM & DA can BOTH come over on Sunday so one of them can stay with GM and the other could drive him to his church.

Before I get flamed, let me explain why this is unreasonable: he doesn't go to worship... he goes to get hugs from all his "ladyfriends" in his Sunday School class. They drive 45 mintues one way just to stay 10 minutes so he can deliver veggies and get hugs... that's what is important to HIM... and just as an FYI, he grows HUNDREDS of things (100 tomato plants, 200 squash/zucchini plants, beans, peas, corn, etc, etc, etc... it's a mammoth garden... plenty of food to feed an army I'm sure...) but he NEVER wants to share any with family members... he's SERIOUSLY all about the hugs. If he even had a desire to stay through Sunday school, I'd probably volunteer to take him myself... but with gas as much as it is, it's pointless to go... especially right now when he has nothing to give to anybody.

My DA looked into a nursing home today, but they still aren't ready to put GM in a home, because she's STILL relatively cognitively aware of what's going on... sometimes it's obvious she "gets" things but she struggles with responses... she can't find the right words to use and she's aware of it. They don't want her to feel abandoned or punished. The home is really nice and only 10 minutes away, and my DM and DA would still spend tons of time with her, but they just really don't want her to feel like she did something wrong... and I can completely see that... I can't say that I love the idea either.

My DA also looked into hiring someone and called her church to ask for information... they said the going rate was $15-20 an hour... (maybe I should change careers...) my GP will most likely NOT go for that... he's happy with the way things are now... CHEAP/FREE. He's absolutely fine with inconveniencing my DM & DA for his whims, but he wouldn't dare inconvenience my DU.

So... like I said before... I'm sure some things are generational... I know my GM is partially responsible for how GP is because she was a doormat.

My DA & DM seem to be afraid to call GP on any of this... so yes, I know they're essentially being doormats as well... but I know I grew up in a different generation, so I'm sure that it's hard to go against what you were raised to do. He's still their dad, regardless of how he acts... and my DM says that he wasn't ever abusive when they were kids... not to them anyway. My DU might get involved, but I'm really not sure. He's the only one GP MIGHT listen to.

It's getting to the point where my DF wants to get involved... he's tired of GP doing that to DM... upsetting her so much. It's getting to the point where I want to step in. In some ways, I want to just get GM out of there and just let GP sit at home by himself and see how it feels... but you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I know GP has some depression issues... rightly so... but he won't deal with them... he lets them fester... he won't take the antidepressant because that's more money (that he could definitely spend and not miss)...

So... my question is this: Do you have any suggestions/ideas? HELP!!!

I just wish my GM would get better... I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack or breakdown now... she's just fractured her pelvis too (GP's fault... he yelled at her and then left the room... so she was getting up to go appologize and she fell... he yelled at her over NOTHING!!! )... and I'm scared that my DM is doing irreversible damage to her back (she has vertebrae problems anyway) and that my DA is hurting herself as well... all 3 of these women had an intergral part of who I became, and I'm incredibly attatched to all of them and it kills me to see them like this... but as the GD, I feel like there's not much I can do.

I'm hoping some of you have been there or have random ideas...


Sorry this is such a novel... probably the longest single post ever.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

OMG... I just read that and got so upset for your Grandmother.....then your Mom and you...and God forgive me, no empathy for your Grandfather and I feel bad about that..

What you have described here is abusive treatment that might have been going on through the 70 years of their marriage, but you might not have noticed as your Grandmother was stronger and could stand up a bit to him... this sounds so familiar to me.. there is a local restaurant that I go to where this older couple goes... she is the weak one, needs help walking and barely eats when she is there... obviously advanced alzheimer's....anyhow, the husband is so cruel to her and we see it.. just as patrons at the restaurant. Someone reported him, called his children and I think reported it to the State....

I am assuming your GP's get social security. Isn't there a program where you can get help through the State... not sure which state you are in...but help with bathing and general cooking....I know when my husband's Mom needed help, they got it through that program..

There is something about the couple that have been together so long that they sometimes resist someone coming in from outside the family, but in this case, your Grandmother is not able to take care of the house anymore and your Grandfather is quite demanding of the time of you and your Mom.. you need professional help....

Hopefully someone with a bit more experience in this area will respond here as well, but you cannot allow this to continue.....I am concerned for your Grandmother's well being.....sounds like he is annoyed he is getting old and that she is not the woman he once knew and he is railing against the whole thing. You need to get some help.....someone who is unbiased to step in here and tell you all what you need to do unemotionally...

Hugs.

 

[KPeveler]

We are having similar problems with my grandparents, except my GP is not belligerent, he is just in denial. my GM doesnt even know where she is most time, but he refuses any help for her, and still makes her do all the cooking and cleaning (to be fair, he worked three jobs until retirement to make ends meet and send the kids through school, so he didnt have a lot of time to learn).

it may be time to put your GM in a care facility because it is obviously dangerous for her to stay in her house currently. to heck with what your GP thinks. thats our concern with my GM is that she is in danger cause my GP refuses to make sure she takes her meds and eats and such. sometimes you need to make decisions and let him fend for himself. it sounds cruel but your GM, sadly, will not get better and so will only require more and more care. better to get her help now before she does something like leave the gas on on the stove or wander away and get lost.

 

[Goofyluver]

I am so sorry for your family. My recommendation for your family, if a nursing facility is not feasible at this point, would be an assisted living facility. They have nurses on staff to help when needed, people to cook, etc...but not on the same level as a nursing home.

I agree with previous posters, it is time to get some ouside help. Your family is shouldering a lot of burden right now. As a speech therapist I worked with several alzheimer's patients who required lots of care. This is a progressive disease. And, your GM is in her 90s. I think it's time to either bring in home health, or transfer her to a facility...but with this, there are options.

If your GP is still very cognitively aware, maybe he can attend an Alzheimer's education class. And, at the facility where I worked, if a family member was behaving with less than caring attitude, a social worker stepped in to explain why that behavior was not okay, in a nice and gentle way of course!

It's time to get outside help. You guys can't do this on your own. It's too much if everyone is experiencing all of these effects from this situation. I would look into home health, assisted living, and nursing facilities, and you can decide which is best for you.

 

[FutureMrsC]

Thanks for all of your replies so far. I'm glad that I have such a great place to vent, bounce ideas off of, etc. It's keeping me from being as crazy as I could be.

Nothing out of the usual happened today... my GM was very content sitting in her recliner holding her babydoll (She knows it's a doll, but she really likes to play with it) and watching Sesame Street.

GP gardened... and watched his westerns... he wasn't overly belligerent today. He did decide that I didn't know how to feed the fish (I gave my GM a tropical aquarium for XMas... and I go take care of it daily) but he dumped like half a jar of food into the water today (and REFUSES to admit it... and I got MAD ) so I had to change out 75% of the water... I hope the fish live... DH & I had just added a few more to the tank this weekend, so they were still adjusting... He ALWAYS thinks they are hungry... that I starve them... did he ever have fish? No... Have I researched this til I couldn't stare at a computer anymore? Yes.

We did progress a little in the "hiring someone" front... at least, to get GP's feet wet with the idea... hiring my OCD DB to clean their house once a week... he's in college and needs the money. Maybe a transition to more people would get easier... or maybe my DM will eventually get ready to accept GM going somewhere else... she keeps saying "I can't put her somewhere when she can look me in the eyes and say 'I love you. Please don't leave me" It's just really depressing... and I'm STILL not ready to let go either.

Tell me this... will I ever be ready to let go? Or will I end up having to let go because I lose her? I just don't know... I'm just at such a breaking point.

 

[minkydog]

I am so sorry You are all in a difficult & terrifying situation. Some of your GPs behavior is generational I'm sure, and some of it is the result of fear and depression I'd bet. He's 91yo. The person he has lived with, relied upon, and loved for 70yrs has suddenly changed. At his age, he can't deal with that easily so he's acting out.

The big problem, as i see it, is that your GM is requiring more and more care. Your GP can't do it for lots of reasons. Your mom is killing herself taking care of your GM. Frankly, I'd have to say "Good Luck!" finding someone to come in and take care of her with him carrying on like this all day. It's not cruel to think of putting your GM in a place where she can recieve care, family can visit, and she won't be abused night and day. In fact, you might find that everyone fares better when GM is placed in a nursing home--her care is far too involved for assisted living and it'only going to get worse.

You know, your GP is just who he is. My dad was kind of like that, too, very difficult to get along with, but people outside the family just loved him. He died of cancer 2yrs ago and I nursed him to the end. You know what? A jerk with cancer is still a jerk. I loved him, but I didn't like him. In our old age most people don't change from who they were all along. I suspect your GP has always been a might difficult and that will never change. But it might be time to limit GM's exposure to his threats & abuse.

 

[Goofyluver]

Will you ever let go? If you're like me, the answer is maybe a little, but not totally. I have a family member who requires a lot...not physical health problems but emotional issues. I always say, "I'm DONE!" But, I never am. I have gotten to the point where I don't let him affect me as much anymore. But, it's never out of my mind. It's better now, but not great. Stinks to care so much sometimes. But, it means you're a good person!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs to you.....I am following this thread and my heart goes out to you and your Mom. I do think my first thought would be the caring of my grandmother and making sure that she is safe... I do agree with the poster above who said good luck getting someone to come in if GP is acting out in the manner that you say. No one, other than family, will put up with verbal abuse from someone that they are not caring for.

You do need some outside help and advice, maybe start with social services...Call Medicare, there has to be something, but you and your Mom have to let it happen and you may have to take GP out of the house when they are caring for GM..

I am glad that the talking here is helping and we are trying to give you other options than just you and your Mom shouldering this alone....the family that is alone...

 

[Lizzy2]

My Dear,dear,sweet GM died from the Big A in May of 06.
From your post I think its time to consider that BOTH of your grandparents may have dementia type issues. Sometimes it manifests itself as the kind of aggression and beligerence that you are describing in your GP. You should definitely get his Doctor in the loop and informed as to what is going on with him and as to how he's behaving. Who has a power of attorney for them? Maybe your Aunt since she is handling the finances? If no one has it then someone needs to get it NOW before things get worse. If GP has pushed GM down and caused a broken hip then he is DANGEROUS to her and potentially to your Mom and Aunt. If he is strong enough to do that then he is strong enough to grab something hard and whack them upside the head. I am NOT kidding or exaggerating. My Mom called social services in her town and they hooked her up with their no charge Elder services counselor/office. They helped her get my GM's papers in order and file for medicare to pay for her home health worker which then changed to a nursing home as the illness progressed. Please call Social services on Monday. You all need help right away. Hugs to all of you. Its a hard thing to deal with. Feel free to pm me if you need to.

 

[FutureMrsC]

GP didn't push GM to fracture her pelvis... he'd yelled at her and then went to go clean up her mess in the bathroom... and then she had a moment of clarity and tried to get up to help him... and she fell- so... to me, it was still his fault.

Belligerence was better today... kind of. He only fussed at her a little bit about calling her fish birds. She says they fly around in the water like little birds... so I can see why she'd call them birds

Unfortunately, though... I'm beginning to think she's had a stroke. She's been REALLY nauseated and vomiting today, complaining about her teeth feeling funny (and grabbing around/poking around her inner lower lip, as if it's numb), her left eyelid is really droopy, and just being EXTREMELY confused to the point of not being able to vocalize what's hurting/bothering her beyond pointing to her feet.

We can't tell if it's affected one side of the body or not, because there are so many things jumbled up... the old age, muscle deterioration (she's basically dead weight right now), confusion from alzheimer's, etc... we tried getting her to squeeze our hands to see if there was a difference, but her muscles are REALLY basically not there... so it's impossible to tell. An infant would have more of a grip than she does right now.

Her gerontologist NP said that she has mild TA anyway... whatever that stands for... something about she has tiny strokes and then her body recovers? or something like that.

To answer the question about power of attorney- My Mom has the medical power of attorney for GM... I don't know about GP. It's been my Mom for about 2 years.

They (My Mom & Aunt) are not taking her to the hospital as of now... there's a DNR already placed on her, so there's really not much that they can do for her overnight. If the symptoms are still there, they'll be taking her in the morning... but they really want to give her time to see if it's the "TA" stuff.

My DF wanted to have "the talk" again about if something happens... like I'm 5 years old... in fact, it's identical to the talk we had when I was five... when GM was having her gallbladder removed and had complications... I had "the talk"... it was bringing back too many memories so I basically started yelling "I'm not listening!!!!" to my Dad tonight... immature, perhaps... denial? maybe. I'm so aware of what's happening... that our "timeline" is fairly set... however, I just can't be thinking about it because if something does happen, I'll need to be well-rested and strong to assist my Mom & Aunt... (they're basically twins... only 16 mos. apart)... and I know myself well enough to know that if "The talk" finishes, I'll be a wreck and I won't sleep.

I know, deep down, that the GM that I know and love really left me 3 or 4 years ago... but I've grown attatched to this one too... if she doesn't go to the hospital, I'm going to spend a lot of time over there this weekend watching PBS & Follow That Bird... I got Follow That Bird on netflix for her... I'm hoping she'll enjoy it since she loves Sesame Street so much now.

Thanks again for all your well-wishes. Sometimes, I don't know which is causing more stress... being a newly-wed, being a new teacher, being a special ed teacher (with tons of IEPs), dealing with my own medical issues (still basically undiagnosed), or dealing with everything with my grandparents... sometimes, I feel like I might need to talk to my Dr about antidepressants for myself...

 

[FutureMrsC]

Oh... and my DM, DF, DA, and DU/DA are going to go to the nursing home/assisted living facility that they're considering tomorrow... that's probably when I'll be watching Follow That Bird

 

[WeRblam]

Oh... and my DM, DF, DA, and DU/DA are going to go to the nursing home/assisted living facility that they're considering tomorrow... that's probably when I'll be watching Follow That Bird

I can understand completely! My FIL passed on last May from Alzheimers and my MIL has mid to end stage Alzheimers. We recently put her in a nursing home after two years of a Assisted Living facility. Some of the Assisted Living Facilitys (ALF) do have seperate sections for residents with Alzheimers. But let me tell you, they are not cheap! And Medicare. Medicaid does not pay for them either. Sounds like your GM will need the special care at the ALF if not a nursing home. It is a such a drain on the family and we try not to let it interfere with raising our children (we have two teenagers!). My MIL will call and ask us to pick her up because she is somewhere and wants to go home but she has no idea where home is.... SHe sometimes does not know who we are, then other days she is clear as a bell (those are the days where we question ourselves, did we do the right thing???)
The Nursing home where she is at has a specialized floor for Alzheimer patients and they are truly wonderful to them. My prayers are with you and your family through this difficult time. Just keep on praying and continuing what you are doing - be there for your DM and DA. They will need your support.

 

[FutureMrsC]

I don't even know where to begin today. To say that I'm "troubled" doesn't even begin to express what's going on.

The visit to the assisted living facility (ALF) went well. My DM & DA said that they had a great alzheimer's care facility, and they were really pleased with how it looked... however, it looks like my DGM will need more 24-hr type care that the ALF doesn't provide.

We are beginning to question whether DGM has had a stroke a week ago Saturday. One morning, one eyelid was really droopy and she was REALLY confused (moreso than her usual confusion) and then she was really nauseous and threw up a couple of times. She can't vocalize if anything hurts unless it's her foot. The "home health" team [a visiting RN & a PT (physical therapist)] comes a couple of times a week and does vitals/weight checks and physical therapy, and they're not certain. Given that she has a DNR, the general consensus is that there really isn't a point to take her to the hospital to endure lots of tests that might let us know what we're "dealing with", but with the DNR, she probably wouldn't be treated for anything- we just want her comfortable, not prolonged. She has a NASTY blister on the back/bottom of her heel that's as big as a half-dollar, maybe a little bigger. The home health people check on that and provide supplies for that maintanance, but guess who does most of the maintenance herself? That's right, my DM.

This past week, my DGM has basically given up eating/drinking. If she takes ANYTHING, it's a couple of sips because my DM makes her/bugs her enough to do it. The gerontologist's NP has prescribed some kind of medicine to make her hungry (remrol or something), but it hasn't really affected her food intake. (She's only drinking ensure/boost and pedialyte). She's REALLY dehydrated and really confused now... she knows my DM [Jane] and calls my DA "the other Jane" (they're 16 months apart and look kind of like twins). She had no earthly idea who I was when I was with her this weekend. I know she hasn't known my name for a long time, but it was REALLY obvious that she didn't even physically recognize me.

As far as DGF is concerned, I'm both REALLY aggravated and REALLY confused. I'd be shocked if he isn't a bit manic... or if he has demensia/alzheimers' himself... he's SO verbally aggressive... and SO self-centered. This weekend, he kept trying to get someone to take him to church. It wasn't a concern to him that she wasn't drinking anything and that she was really dehydrated. He wanted to go to Sunday school to see his friends. I'd even volunteer to take him if he was actually going to go to worship... I went to PreK there, and some of my PreK teachers still go there... but he only wants to go hug "his women" and then go home. I think he's basically in complete denial about everything related to DGM. He won't believe anything anyone says (homehealthcare included)... even if we show him physical evidence of it. He won't trouble himself to try and get her to drink anything... he just wants hugs from "his women" and lots of time in his garden.

Anyway... my DU offered to take him to church this Sunday.... but DGF refused because he didn't want to "inconvenience" my DU. (What about all the inconveniencing he does to my DM & DA??? Why is DU any different?? Oh... right... he's a boy... and DGF is a chauvinist... girls don't matter... why do I forget that?!) Then, DU tells him that he either needs to let him take him or not go. So... DGF tells DU that "they aren't the boss of him and they'll never be the boss of him".

Then, last night, he calls and asks DM to come over (around 10) to give DGM another sleeping pill (the NP says that it's okay to give her 2, they're pretty mild). No biggie, DM & DF go over... and DGF is ranting and raving about how he's just not going to sleep and how nobody cares about if he sleeps or not... blah blah blah. Forget the fact that he's yelled at DGM until she was crying... she'd fallen out of the bed too... he claims she "pushed him" and fell out... riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.... she doesn't have strength enough to move her arm at all, much less push him. More than likely, he pushed her. But... she was okay, so DM & DF didn't say anything... just gave her the medicine and made sure she was okay and left. As they were leaving, he called out again about how nobody cared about him and it must be alright with him if he didn't sleep (but hello?! they gave her another pill... it kept her knocked out until he woke her up at 6.)

So... that brings me to 6... he called my DM and told her that she needed to come over because my DGM was "lousy" or something like that. When DM got over there, he ranted about how my DGM wasn't good for anything and how saggy her legs were, and how all she does is complain about her foot and irritate him.

UGH! I know what ultimately matters is my DGM's comfort in her passing.... I'm sure that's coming soon. It can't come soon enough... I'm sure she's ready. I think that a few years ago (before the alzheimer's) she would've DIED to think that my DM would be doing this and DGF would be causing all the junk that he's causing. She would've told us to rejoice in when she died... because then the suffering would be over for everybody.

I'm sure that DGF needs to get evaluated by the gerontologist to figure out what's going on with him... but he'd adamantly refuse... refuse to the point where they'd probably need a straight jacket to get him out and then he'd probably never forgive my DM & DA... and apparenly, his approval still means SOMETHING to them, whether they get unbelieveably mad at him or not.

I think that if my DM doesn't have a breakdown today, it will be a miracle. I'm trying not to talk to her about everything that's going on, as she doesn't want to "bring it home". She obviously DOES bring it home... but I wonder if she's trying to protect me... I wonder if she's afraid that if I found out everything that I wouldn't like DGF... I think it's too late for that. I'll always love him, he's the reason that my DM could be a SAHM (he owned a grocery store forever and gave us the money for her to stay at home) and I appreciate that... but I don't LIKE him. I can't stand what a jerk he's being... I can't stand how he treats DM & DA.

We're going to check about getting hospice for DGM today... from what I've read online, she'll qualify. The NP from the gerontologist's office should call at some point today.

I'd like for DGM to be moved over here... and for DGF to just get ignored completely. But that would mean that my DM's life would jsut be over caring for her... so that isn't really an option... and we can't afford to hire help on our own... and DGF still doesn't think we need to hire anyone... and can't stand the thought of DGM going to a nursing home (why? because HE wouldn't be able to sleep by himself).

I'm afraid when all this is over, I'll need therapy... and so will DM & DA.

Comments? Suggestions? Please write! I'm using this to get through this week... since I'm home all day, I'm sure I'll update a lot.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I'm glad that we're not alone in all of this!
~Amanda

 

[Goofyluver]

I think at this point Hospice is really the best option. They can give help in order to make your grandmother more comfortable during this time. If not hospice, then some type of long-term care facility. However, it sounds like you are aware that your dear GM is probably near the end of her precious life.

I personally don't think that your GP is in any shape to care for her. It may be easier to have her moved to a facility of some type, because even hospice can't be there all the time. With everything that has gone on, it seems as though your GM can no longer be safe at home (i.e. her falls, meds, etc.) If it is too much, take the route that will be easiest for your family and that will get you the most help.

As for how you and your family are dealing with this, you all are so brave and kind. I admire you all for your caring for your GM and her situation. What wonderful people you are.

 

[kathyseb]

I agree, hospice appears to be the answer at this time in your grandmother's life.

But I would move her out of the house. In my state, there are actually hospice houses that you can move your loved ones into.

If not that, she needs to be in a skilled nursing home or an Alzheimer wing. But where my mom is, you have to be able to walk to be in the Alzheimer wing. They do not allow wheelchairs or walkers in that unit. So you might want to check into that.

You mentioned in one of yours posts that your mom was afraid that your grandmother would not want to be in a nursing home.

She just might want it more than you could ever imagine.
Just to get away from your grandfather.

No one mentioned this, and I am in no way condoning your grandfather's behavior, but part of his problem might be he is scared.

I by no means have a medical background, but my mom was diagnosed with Dementia about four years ago. She is now 77 years old. It is horrible to watch the illness progress. She has gone downhill quite quickly. She still knows all of us, but if she speaks, it is mostly jibberish. Every once in a while she will say something that makes sense.

You mentioned that your mom is power of attorney, medically, for your mom. I would be setting up a power of attorney for financial business, if that is not already been done. You mentioned your aunt is paying bills and things, but is she just doing it or is she power of attorney?
I always thought power of attorney covered everything, but you specifically said medical.
I know my brother is power of attorney for my mom and he handles everything. Medical decisions are made jointly between the four of us kids.

My heart goes out to you. Keep strong and put your faith in God.
Keep us posted.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I have been reading this thread but am not sure where to go from here. I too agree that your GM needs help and need to be away from GF, but this decision is one that you and your Mom need to make and might be a difficult one for you two.

I think your GM needs specific help now and it is time to have the professionals take care of her. It is hard to be caretaker and police at the same time trying to protect her from herself and from GF who is angry that this is happening to his wife and then acting out his aggression on her or you.

Get some help for your Mom and you. It is time, I think.

 

[FutureMrsC]

I went back to my Grandparents' house a few times yesterday, just to try to get her to drink (her pedialyte and ensure)... I even made DGF go outside and do yardwork just so I could get him out of her hair for a bit. [He had her watching trashy cartoon network cartoons that were even hard for me to follow... she was bored senseless... I flipped it over to PBS and she watched The Big Comfy Couch and Clifford... both some of her favorites... she laughed and smiled a lot... it's nice to see her happy]. I made a point of telling DGF that I was REALLY worried about MY mom. (I didn't let DM go with me because I wanted to tell him how EXHAUSTED she was, and how I was just scared that she might really be hurting her back beyond repair). It made a beautiful set-up for when my DA got there that evening.... she was going to tell him point-blank that they HAD to hire someone to help a few days a week (not enough, I know... but they can work with that... My DM could go and give her a bath in the morning and then just go home when the caretaker got there... and my DA could still do dinner/bedtime (she doesn't really have a problem with it)... and then from 8-5 a caretaker would be there to sit with her and get her to drink and/or take her to the bathroom.

Anyway... DA did tell DGF that... and he hit the roof. He started trying to guilt DA with avengeance...
DGF:"But she's YOUR mother... why would you want to do that to YOUR mother?!?!"...
DA (calmly): "Yes, she's my Mother, but she's also YOUR wife... don't you want the best for her?"
DGF- "It's fine the way it is... I don't want to pay anyone to take care of her when you both can do it for free."
DA (calmly, but more assertive): "We're GOING to do this. You need to get prepared. It is GOING to happen."
DGF- "Well... if you insist. But I still think it's a pretty stupid idea when you both can do it so easily".
DA (obviously upset now): "It's NOT easy. It hurts. We're on medicine just to get through the day... and we can't do it alone anymore. We need help."

My prediction? He'll probably bring it up to DM this morning, and I'm absolutely, positively, going with her. She's taking him to get his license plate renewed... I just hope he doesn't upset her while she's doing it...

DM's a little better today though... my DH & I surprised my parents with making reservations at the Swan I was shocked that I could still get a teacher rate in July!!! Anyway... DM is really excited to have that kind of a distraction... and the Swan will let us cancel 5 days in advance... so we'd really know what was going on 5 days from now.

Oh... and we're still pursuing the Hospice stuff... but the NP hasn't returned my DM's calls (she's probably on vacation this week as her son is on spring break)... so at least they'll have help in the interim.

In answer to another question, my DA does not have Financial Power of Attorney... they will be getting that soon. She is listed on all of their bank accounts already though...

As far as DGF being scared, I've thought about that... I think it's more anger/resentment that this is happening to his wife. His ignorance plays a big part into all of this though, because he just doesn't understand things. To him, ANY solid food (whether it be a hershey bar or cookies or potato chips or any other junk) is better than anything liquid (including ensure/boost). Any time he can get her to eat something solid, he's convinced that she's going to be okay. I basically don't think that it's really hit him that her time is getting short... and he wouldn't believe anyone even if they told him.

I'm going to look into getting his old preacher to come and talk to him... he was CRAZY about her... he hung on every word she said. Maybe she can talk to him about it from a different angle and get him to listen. He WOULDN'T tell her to shut up or get out.... he'd listen... and she's so great, so hopefully she'd be able to come regardless of whether they're members at her new church or not... I'll hope anyway.

Maybe today won't be too bad.

 

[FutureMrsC]

Well... that seemingly good day went sour quick.

DGF was beyond furious at my DM. He told her to go home and "never come back"... but then asked if she'd still take him to the tag office. She did, only because she would have felt responsible for the people that he might have hurt had he actually driven himself...( and as for why they're renewing the tag, it's only because they use the car to transport my DGM around... she gets in and out of that one much easier. ) While they were gone, he said that he wasn't going to pay anyone to stay with her, and he certainly wasn't going to pay for her to go anywhere, and they (DM, DA, and DU) couldn't do anything about it because "Y'all ain't the boss of me". So... we seemed to be back at square 1 again. We're working on getting the legal power of attorney stuff completed.

My DB (brother... 19, college sophomore) helped my DM get over her feelings and asked her to help him with some school stuff... it was a pleasant distraction.

My DA called about an hour later to tell my DM that one of her customers (she's a banker) had a Mother (77, I think) who LOVES to sit with elderly people and only charges $10 an hour. She (the woman's DD) told my DA that the last time her Mom sat with an older lady, she got so attatched that when the older lady went to the nursing home, she continued to spend tons of time with her at the home for FREE! She seems like a truly special person... someone that my DGF could quite possibly get attatched to... and guess what? DGF has agreed that she can start on Monday!!!!!!!! She's going to come 3 days a week (M, W, F, I think) and stay for 5 hrs a day... her primary responsibility will be to get DGM to drink her ensure & pedialyte... and keep her company

We're still working on Hospice... she's going to go to the gerontologist in a couple of weeks and that's when they'll evaluate. The NP for the gerontologist's office said that there was a good possibility that she'd qualify... but she thinks that it would be best to give the new situation a couple of weeks to see if she improves... the PT (physical therapist) is increasing the hours he comes to see her, and the NP is hopeful that an increase in activity could increase her appetite... but to me, in order for any of that to work, she HAS to get re-hydrated!

I'm coming more to terms with the fact that DGM probably won't be around much longer... she keeps saying "If only I could go to sleep..." or something like that... and she sleeps all the time... we think that she's just READY to go. Her existence now must be a miserable one with people trying to force her to drink various things... but we can't not force her... we feel like she'd suffer more that way But anyway... it's more comforting to me to know that she seems to be ready... and I think, in his own way, DGF knows she's ready too... I want to spend as much time as I can with them.

I haven't been able to see DGM yesterday or today though... I'm sick with something... all this stress has probably caused my immune system to weaken... and on top of my allergies (I'm allergic to so much stuff I have to get allergy shots), I think I've got a sinus infection of some sort now. Oh well... I'm going to the Dr myself today.

Thanks again for all of your prayers, well-wishes, advice, and thoughts... I appreciate it more than you'll ever know!

 

[Goofyluver]

I hope that you get to feeling better...my body handles stress in the same way. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.

Maybe the woman coming in will be helpful.

 

[FutureMrsC]

A Hospice official is coming to talk to DM tomorrow... and the older lady (the 77yo) is starting tomorrow as well...

My fingers are crossed that tomorrow goes well w/ everything involved... DGM is REALLY not eating or drinking now (she went from getting about 8 tbsp a day to getting about 3 tbsp)...

Your thoughts and prayers, as always, are greatly appreciated!

~*Amanda*~