Please Comment on my Ancient Wedding Issue

[Handbag Lady]

Hi,

On this Friday, we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. We are doing great and have enjoyed our marriage with all of the ups and downs and joys and sorrows.

However, something has been bothering me ever since I got married. Yes, it is an etiquette question!

We had a small wedding of 50 people. My husband and I divided this up into 25 for him and 25 guests for me. From there, I invited who I wanted to attend and gave my parents x number of guests each (divorced) if they wanted to invite people. I forget the number, but it was small, like 5 or so.

My mom gave me a list of over 175 family members. I kindly sat her down and explained the numbers, the finances, the issues, etc. She was fuming, hopping mad but then again, didn't wish to pay for her extra guests. Didn't I know that she attended a million showers, weddings, christenings, baby showers for all of her family and that they EXPECTED to be invited to my wedding? Well, no, frankly.

Needless to say, I had a level head on my shoulders and only invited 50 people to our wedding.


My mom and sister wanted to throw me a bridal shower two weeks before the wedding. My MOH lived out of town, so even though this is wrong, I agreed to it since my MOH really wanted to but just couldn't do it (she had two babies at the time, too, and convinced me to let my mom do it since otherwise I would be without).

I'm sure you all know where this is going. ALL of the female family members who my mom wanted to invite to the wedding were invited and showed up. I was both flabbergasted by their generosity and baffled as to how to explain that they were not invited to the wedding. I chose to not address the issue unless asked.

I was asked. Several of them wanted to know when/where the wedding was and what time to show up. I was forced to say that we were having a small wedding and that the invites had already gone out.

I felt like a giant pile of poo. I didn't even KNOW 20 or so of the ladies at my shower and I am supposedly related to them (as in, my second cousin's daughter-in-law). I got five gifts that I couldn't even send a Thank You note to since my mom didn't have their address. (They were invited by Italian Grapevine and I tried to thank them likewise.) I did send out proper Thank You's to every address I could find and had them mailed out the week of the wedding.



So, what could I have done? Why does this still bother me 9 years later?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So, what could I have done? Why does this still bother me 9 years later?

You could have not allowed your mom to throw the party.

It bothers you because your mom disrespected you. She made the party about her.

 

[C.Ann]

Hi,

On this Friday, we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. We are doing great and have enjoyed our marriage with all of the ups and downs and joys and sorrows.

However, something has been bothering me ever since I got married. Yes, it is an etiquette question!

We had a small wedding of 50 people. My husband and I divided this up into 25 for him and 25 guests for me. From there, I invited who I wanted to attend and gave my parents x number of guests each (divorced) if they wanted to invite people. I forget the number, but it was small, like 5 or so.

My mom gave me a list of over 175 family members. I kindly sat her down and explained the numbers, the finances, the issues, etc. She was fuming, hopping mad but then again, didn't wish to pay for her extra guests. Didn't I know that she attended a million showers, weddings, christenings, baby showers for all of her family and that they EXPECTED to be invited to my wedding? Well, no, frankly.

Needless to say, I had a level head on my shoulders and only invited 50 people to our wedding.


My mom and sister wanted to through me a bridal shower two weeks before the wedding. My MOH lived out of town, so even though this is wrong, I agreed to it since my MOH really wanted to but just couldn't do it (she had two babies at the time, too, and convinced me to let my mom do it since otherwise I would be without).

I'm sure you all know where this is going. ALL of the female family members who my mom wanted to invite to the wedding were invited and showed up. I was both flabbergasted by their generosity and baffled as to how to explain that they were not invited to the wedding. I chose to not address the issue unless asked.

I was asked. Several of them wanted to know when/where the wedding was and what time to show up. I was forced to say that we were having a small wedding and that the invites had already gone out.

I felt like a giant pile of poo. I didn't even KNOW 20 or so of the ladies at my shower and I am supposedly related to them (as in, my second cousin's daughter-in-law). I got five gifts that I couldn't even send a Thank You note to since my mom didn't have their address. (They were invited by Italian Grapevine and I tried to thank them likewise.) I did send out proper Thank You's to every address I could find and had them mailed out the week of the wedding.



So, what could I have done? Why does this still bother me 9 years later?

There was nothing you could have done differently - this was your mother's doing - not yours..

You did the proper thing and sent out thank you cards to those for whom you had addresses and thanked the others via the "Italian Grapevine" - which I happen to be very familiar with..

Don't beat yourself up.. You are not responsible for the actions of others..

Relax and ENJOY your anniversary.. Congrats!!

 

[padams]

Ditto what C. Ann posted.

Happy Anniversary!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

What your mother did was take an event to teach you a lesson and she was inappopriate.

On the spot, I would have stated that you are glad that they are celebrating for you now and then if they pushed the issue, apologize and say that you are on a very limited budget as you and your fiance were paying for your own wedding.

It really isn't any of their business why they were invited and they really should not have been invited to a shower from what I understand.

But your mother set you up--and it is your mother who broke the rules of etiquette, not you.

ENJOY your anniversary and as others have said--you did nothing wrong.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Happy Anniversary!!!
My MIL did the same thing to us....we had a small wedding, but she insisted on throwing a shower with 250 people there. She has a nail salon, and basically invited her entire family and all of her clients. The shower was a suprise, so there was not much I could do, other than write everyone a nice thank you note.

I think you did all that you could, and I don't think that anyone is holding a grudge now. It sounds like your Mom is a lot like my MIL, and anyone who knows her well knows that there is no stopping her when she wants to do something.

I'd let it go, and enjoy your anniversary. Congrats on 9 great years!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh yea...wanted to add QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP and

Happy Anniversary!!!!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Thank you everyone! It really does mean a lot to me. From time to time, I go over in my head the events of that day and it does bother me, but I am really glad to hear that I wasn't off-base.

I had braced myself to perhaps hear an outsider's POV that might clash with mine, in hopes of understanding the situation better.

The only thing I could have done was to decline to attend my own bridal shower, but that wouldn't have led to a better path with my mom.

And thank you for your well-wishes. We are actually taking our 'honeymoon' this Saturday FINALLY!!!

 

[DWGal210]

First of all, CONGRATS on your wedding anniversary and HAVE A GREAT TIME on your honeymoon!

I agree that the fault here was with your mother. It seems like a very passive-aggressive way of getting her way. Perhaps she thought you would break down and then invite everyone, who knows. What probably happened is that she had already told these people they would be invited before she even spoke to you (have had THAT happen before!) and was trying to save face so she didn't have to go back to her friends and say they weren't invited - in a sense, making you the "bad guy".

And on another note, it just astounds me that people feel that they SHOULD be invited to a wedding, a party, etc. I'm not talking about mom, dad, and grandma - I'm talking about your mom's best friend's kids and their kids...yikes! Any kind of event is expensive to throw and I guess people don't realize that. It's so tacky to me.

We opened our new office here about a month ago, and we were having an invitation-only open house for friends of the owners, area dignitaries, etc. You wouldn't believe the amount of people who called and demanded to be put on the guest list - "Well, I know so-and-so when we worked at such-and-such together and I should be there." In the end, to avoid a conflict, they just added whomever called. I suspect they were just coming for the free wine and appetizers but I guess we'll never know.

 

[missypie]

Showers are such a dicey thing. The people in my Sunday School class are of an age where many have kids getting married. We've known some of the kids since they were small, but the newer class members have kids who were grown when the parents joined the class. The ladies in the Sunday School class insist on giving every one of the brides (or fiances of boys) a shower...it's sweet, but I end up going to showers for young people I've never met...THEN, because I went to the shower, I end up receiving an invitation to the wedding. I know this is good etiquette, but a few weeks ago I got an invitation to a wedding in San Francisco from a girl I've never seen in my life.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Hi,

On this Friday, we will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. We are doing great and have enjoyed our marriage with all of the ups and downs and joys and sorrows.

However, something has been bothering me ever since I got married. Yes, it is an etiquette question!

We had a small wedding of 50 people. My husband and I divided this up into 25 for him and 25 guests for me. From there, I invited who I wanted to attend and gave my parents x number of guests each (divorced) if they wanted to invite people. I forget the number, but it was small, like 5 or so.

My mom gave me a list of over 175 family members. I kindly sat her down and explained the numbers, the finances, the issues, etc. She was fuming, hopping mad but then again, didn't wish to pay for her extra guests. Didn't I know that she attended a million showers, weddings, christenings, baby showers for all of her family and that they EXPECTED to be invited to my wedding? Well, no, frankly.

Needless to say, I had a level head on my shoulders and only invited 50 people to our wedding.


My mom and sister wanted to throw me a bridal shower two weeks before the wedding. My MOH lived out of town, so even though this is wrong, I agreed to it since my MOH really wanted to but just couldn't do it (she had two babies at the time, too, and convinced me to let my mom do it since otherwise I would be without).

I'm sure you all know where this is going. ALL of the female family members who my mom wanted to invite to the wedding were invited and showed up. I was both flabbergasted by their generosity and baffled as to how to explain that they were not invited to the wedding. I chose to not address the issue unless asked.

I was asked. Several of them wanted to know when/where the wedding was and what time to show up. I was forced to say that we were having a small wedding and that the invites had already gone out.

I felt like a giant pile of poo. I didn't even KNOW 20 or so of the ladies at my shower and I am supposedly related to them (as in, my second cousin's daughter-in-law). I got five gifts that I couldn't even send a Thank You note to since my mom didn't have their address. (They were invited by Italian Grapevine and I tried to thank them likewise.) I did send out proper Thank You's to every address I could find and had them mailed out the week of the wedding.



So, what could I have done? Why does this still bother me 9 years later?

You do realize that those women are probably still talking about your shower and how they were scammed out of gifts don't you?

It wasn't your fault. It was your mother's doing and she should have been embarrassed by what she did.

I would have been mortified. I also would not have kept the gifts from the women who were not invited to the wedding. They were given under false pretenses I would imagine.

 

[JerseyJanice]

First off, Happy Anniversary!

Women who are invited to a bridal shower are usually invited to the wedding as well, but not always. In your case, you were a young couple paying for the wedding on your own and wanting to keep it small. There's nothing wrong with that.

I don't think your mom did anything wrong either. She wanted to reciprocate to her friends and family for being invited to all their events. Your shower was her way to do that. I'm sure she gave many a gift over the years and that your shower guests were fed and entertained, so they didn't miss out on anything.

The way I see it, it's all good.

 

[Rora]

there was nothing you could have done differently - this was your mother's doing - not yours..

you did the proper thing and sent out thank you cards to those for whom you had addresses and thanked the others via the "italian grapevine" - which i happen to be very familiar with..

don't beat yourself up.. You are not responsible for the actions of others..

relax and enjoy your anniversary.. Congrats!!

agreed!

 

[wdwfan16]

Come on. You knew you mom wanted to throw the party to get back all the gifts she felt she was owed. You knew this would not end well and you let her throw it anyway. Deep down you feel bad that you took advantage of the people.

Nothing much you can do now, but expect to be invited to all types of bridal showers and to give a nice gift but not get invited to the wedding.

BTW a bridal shower is not a right but a nice event thrown for the bride to be. If your bridal party could not throw it and you knew what you mom would do then you should have just passed on a bridal shower.

When a bridal shower is thrown by the bridal party or in this case the mother of the bride all know what that means.

Getting a bridal shower invite = Getting a wedding invite

 

[mjkacmom]

And on another note, it just astounds me that people feel that they SHOULD be invited to a wedding, a party, etc. I'm not talking about mom, dad, and grandma - I'm talking about your mom's best friend's kids and their kids...yikes! Any kind of event is expensive to throw and I guess people don't realize that. It's so tacky to me.

Actually, it is VERY tacky to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding. Once you receive a shower invitation, you know you will be invited to the wedding. However, I assume the OP didn't know her mom was inviting all of those extra people - my mom and sister hosted my shower, because all of the other bridesmaids were in another state, but it was a surprise, and I didn't know who she invited.

http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/...dding-related-events-but-not-the-wedding.aspx

 

[disykat]

I don't agree that a shower invitation means a wedding invitation. I've been to several showers where that wasn't the case. Everyone in attendance KNEW they weren't being invited to the wedding and WANTED a chance to celebrate with the bride.

Would it be weird for a bride to be having a large local wedding she wasn't planning on inviting you to and put you on a list to be invited to a shower? Sure. But in my experience, many showers are work showers, surprise showers, or showers by groups of friends who know they aren't going to the wedding because it's small, far away, or family only - but WANT to celebrate with you anyway.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't agree that a shower invitation means a wedding invitation. I've been to several showers where that wasn't the case. Everyone in attendance KNEW they weren't being invited to the wedding and WANTED a chance to celebrate with the bride.

Would it be weird for a bride to be having a large local wedding she wasn't planning on inviting you to and put you on a list to be invited to a shower? Sure. But in my experience, many showers are work showers, surprise showers, or showers by groups of friends who know they aren't going to the wedding because it's small, far away, or family only - but WANT to celebrate with you anyway.

I agree with the work shower thing, but google "if you invite to the shower do you invite to the wedding," and you will probably get 100% that you only invite wedding guests to the shower. Obviously, the guests at the OP's shower assumed they were invited to a wedding - at least around here, you would never invite someone to the "real" shower (not work), and not invite them to the wedding.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

I had a bridal shower with many people not invited not invited to my wedding. (For what it's worth, the bridesmaids did the guest list, did ask for my mother/MIL2B's addies, plus my grandmother.)

We got married in my home town. DH knew very few people here, comes from a very small family, and had exactly 7 people who were able to attend. There was no way I was inviting my whole extended family, all of my friends from growing up, people you'd normally expect to invite to a wedding. I paried my list to bare minimum and we have about 30 people there.

My bridesmaids chose to invite the other friends who would not be at the wedding. I did feel a little awkward etiquette wise, but it was a nice chance to get together without making my husband feel like odd man out at his own wedding.

 

[Scurvy]

The only thing you did wrong was allowing your mother and sister to host the shower, since family members really are not supposed to host them. But I know that within some social circles it's considered okay for moms to host showers, so maybe no one cared about that part.

As for the guests who weren't invited to the wedding - yes, that's really tacky. It is absolutely not acceptable within the rules of etiquette for someone to be invited to a bridal shower and not the wedding (with the possible exception of something like a work shower). However, the person to blame for that is the host of the shower. I would think that the guests knew that you weren't hosting your own shower, so I really doubt that they held it against you. If they were offended, I'm sure they blamed your mom and sister, not you.

The only thing you could have done differently would have been to say "No" to the shower. But you obviously couldn't have controlled the guest list, so you shouldn't feel badly about that part at all.

 

[emma'smom]

I disagree---I"ve been to lots of "work showers" where I didn't expect to be invited to the wedding. I was a teacher and we had a shower for every teacher who got married. Nobody expected that the entire staff would be invited to the wedding, but they all should up for a little cake and good wishes at a shower.

Also, if someone has a destination wedding that not everyone will attend---they might still go to a shower to celebrate with the bride!