please close this thread

[The Mystery Machine]

Ohhhh good lord!!!!!
I just have to reply to this one.
If her boyfriend thinks that her washing and folding his dirty underwear is what love is all about..

PS: She never said that she was withholding anything. She has indeed done the biggest share of the household duties. Her problem is that he has become judgemental and clearly expects this to always be done to his liking.

Can you please point this out to me? I really do not see where the BF is "judgemental"...really. I don't see how he comes off as "the way it is going to be"...I see a man who is working full time, going to school full time.
He asked for her to clean and be nice when he came home.
How is that "judgemental"?

I don't get it....honestly.

Oh and for the record, I lived with my BF in college as well. Been with him for 20 years and we have been married almost 16 yrs, have 2 dd's 15 & almost 10.

 

[California Girl]

I think she's only expected to fold his clean underwear...not his dirty underwear.

 

[California Girl]

Can you please point this out to me? I really do not see where the BF is "judgemental"...really. I don't see how he comes off as "the way it is going to be"...I see a man who is working full time, going to school full time.
He asked for her to clean and be nice when he came home.
How is that "judgemental"?

I don't get it....honestly.

Oh and for the record, I lived with my BF in college as well. Been with him for 20 years and we have been married almost 16 yrs, have 2 dd's 15 & almost 10.

Good question...I don't see where he is being judgmental either.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm very close to your age (22). I don't see a problem with living with someone before you're married; my sister is doing it now. They know they are going to get married, but they're not financially ready yet.

How will their finances change after marriage? They will still be the same 2 people, lving in the same place, with the same jobs, earning the same money, right?

If they can afford to live together now, why can they not afford to get amrried and continue to live together?

 

[LoraJ]

How will their finances change after marriage? They will still be the same 2 people, lving in the same place, with the same jobs, earning the same money, right?

If they can afford to live together now, why can they not afford to get amrried and continue to live together?

Because weddings cost $10K - $30K. And their goal may not be to be at the same job with the current finances but to work towards better jobs where they can buy a house. Don't know their whole story to really comment on that.

 

[Disney Doll]

Let's review...the BF works full time and is a full time student. (also pays the majority of the bills)

The OP works 3 days per week.

Is it really unfair to expect her to be the one taking care of the vast majority of the household?

I don't get the impression that she is mad about having to do it. I think the problem is more the attitude of expectation.

DH & I are in a similar situation. He's working full-time, I work 3 days per week. I do the lions' share of caring for our home, both inside and out. But when DH gets home from work, if I have cut the lawn, he notices and thanks me. He shows his appreciation for what I do. And if there is a day where, for some reason, I don't get as much done, I don't get a sarcastic comment from him.

I thinkt hat's the differnece and also the issue.

As far as living together, I never lived with DH before we married, so I don't know if there is a difference. I can say that my brother and DSIL lived together for 20 years before they married 3 years ago, and they will both tell you that, for them, there is a difference. Not anything explainable...it just "feels" different.

 

[Disney Doll]

Also try not to live with a guy before marriage, test driving is not a valid argument, he owns the car already by living with you. He does not have to be sensitive or thoughtful, he isn't going to lose you because you are there all the time. You can threaten to leave too, but you don't and he knows that. He absolutely does not have to work hard, so he won't.

I wish you luck.

Wow!!! Are you my mother???

Her favorite saying about living together was "They've got the milk, why buy the cow?"

 

[LoraJ]

I don't get the impression that she is mad about having to do it. I think the problem is more the attitude of expectation.

DH & I are in a similar situation. He's working full-time, I work 3 days per week. I do the lions' share of caring for our home, both inside and out. But when DH gets home from work, if I have cut the lawn, he notices and thanks me. He shows his appreciation for what I do. And if there is a day where, for some reason, I don't get as much done, I don't get a sarcastic comment from him.

I thinkt hat's the differnece and also the issue.

And if she doesn't feel like she is being apprecated for it, she needs to tell him. Just as he told her he wants a smile and welcome home, she can tell him she needs a thank you every now and then. And if he can't do that, then she needs to decide if she can live with it or move on.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't get the impression that she is mad about having to do it. I think the problem is more the attitude of expectation.

Yes it is. We all have that for everything don't we. It is hard wired into our brains I think.

In my original post with this I said for her to sit down and map out the hours and who is going to do what.

If they cannot do that then the "cleaning thing" is just masking the real issues of not being able to understand each other or something else. Which maybe the real deal here.

 

[Disney Doll]

Hmmm ... the OP moves in with her BF 2 short months after starting to date. They are just 21 years old and they go from "hello" to "virtually married" in no time at all. While you can't swing a dead cat on the DIS without hitting a "love at first sight" or "I was married at 18 we're still going strong" story, I really don't think it happens as often as we hope. My sense is that OP's BF is moving in a different direction and is done playing house with her. I'm sorry to be a downer and for her sake I hope I am wrong.

I love that "you can't swing a dead cat" phrase!!!! I'll have to remeber that.

Your assessment may be very right.

 

[Saffron]

OP, do yourself a favor and don't take anyone's advice except where it helps you to think about your situation and decide what YOU want to do. None of us really know what the situation is and I think it's rash to just decide something based on a few posts.

Instead, take your time and think things through carefully. You may need to compromise but so does he and talking is of utmost importance. And I meant lots of talking! Get it all out and if you can't work it out, well at least you tried.

LOL!

OP ... in this entire thread, which has now become a "discussion" about you, your DBF and the ins and outs of your relationship that none of us really know anything about, this is the best advice on the entire thread. Best of luck to you.

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[Hixski]

I am 46 and have had friends in your position. Back when I was your age and even now. The one main thing to remember is: If something bothers you now it will drive you absolutely flipping nuts in 5 years. I have a friend who is 29 and used to tell me all the stuff that bugged her about her boyfriend at the time. She is now married to him with 2 girls. And now she admits that "Wow" you were right all that stuff drives her out of her mind now. She would love to get a divorce but is trying to stay for the kids. This is not advice it is fact. And when you have been together for 2 years you are not in love you are still in lust. But from all your comments we can see the lust is wearing off and your eyes are starting to open. Good Luck!!!

 

[VSL]

He also told me not to work part time while I am working on my Aud.D. b/c he wants me to focus. I have offered to help pay the rent in the past and he has refused to accept any money from me.

[snip]

I also do a lot of leaving little notes for him, writing "I love you" on his foggy car window before I leave to babysit so he'll see it on his way to work, making trips to the grocery store just to pick up his favorite ice cream sandwiches so he will feel special, driving a long way to have lunch with him.

First of all, he's actually willing to support you financially 100% so that you can focus on your Doctorate - that does not happen to a lot of people.

Also, the little things that you do to make him feel special are really sweet - and the kind of things that my BF does for me, but I don't do those things for him because I'm not that kind of person (it just wouldnt occur to me to do those things). Doesn't mean I don't appreciate him as much, or that he's more into the relationship (I absolutely adore my BF and intend to spend the rest of my life with him), it's just that I show it in other ways (ie, your BF is showing it by wanting to give you the opportunity to focus 100% on your Doctorate).

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[Serena]

best wishes for your future.


To end a thread you can report it to a moderator and ask if they would close it for you.

 

[heidica]

How will their finances change after marriage? They will still be the same 2 people, lving in the same place, with the same jobs, earning the same money, right?

If they can afford to live together now, why can they not afford to get amrried and continue to live together?

Because weddings cost $10K - $30K. And their goal may not be to be at the same job with the current finances but to work towards better jobs where they can buy a house. Don't know their whole story to really comment on that.

I agree with Disney Doll. LoraJ - you are talking about a wedding, Disney Doll is talking about a marriage. It is not a requirement to have a big wedding to get married. A marriage doesn't cost any more than living together, just saves a lot of legal bills if you aren't truely committed to the relationship in the first place and want to "go your separate ways."

 

[Lanshark]

If you're asking for advise on a public forum then.....

you probably already have your answer.

 

[ducklite]

got off my high horse and agreed.

You answered your own question.

Anne

 

[MrsPete]

DBF(23) and I (almost 24) have been together for 2 years now. We have been living together since Oct. 2004, so almost the whole time. We were very much "in love" as most couples are, for the majority of the first year.

I have to agree with the posters who've said that living together before marriage is not a great idea. Aside from the moral perspective, have you seen the statistics on this? MANY more people who lived together prior to marriage end up divorced; I think it's a matter of comittment. The oft-repeated "try before you buy" concept simply isn't the truth.

Personally, over half the girls I know personally who got into a living-together situation, and they discovered that they and the guy had different expectations. Usually the girl has the idea that they'll live together for a certain time, then get married. All too often, the guy has the idea that living together is a permanant situation. Almost always it's caused them trouble.

I get a call from him saying he's making us dinner and is getting all his work done so we can spend the evening together. Great! Well, not so much - then he calls 20 minutes later and says "Oh, by the way, mom is joining us."

He's cooking dinner for you and his mom in his house. I'm missing the inconsiderate part.

I never feel special or cherished or that he is head-over-heels in love with me. And I do not feel that it is my duty to be his little housekeeper

You need to talk to him to see what's going on in his mind. Has something happened at work? Is he having second-thoughts about this relationship? How does he feel about being the breadwinner without any legal ties? Does he know that you're not happy? You need to talk to him, not us.