please close this thread

[Wishing on a star]

Poohandwendy, I most always agree with you!!! And I do see what you are saying.

However, the been-there-done-that that I am referring to is NOT the simple household chores issue. I am definately seeing things here jump out at me, because of my personal experience, that you might not be seeing.

The chores are not the issue. Her BF's behavior and judgemental attitude regarding the chores is an issue.

Spending time with inlaws is not the issue. The fact that her BF chooses to commit to seeing them before even discussing it with her is an issue.

Apparantly they have busy lives, and yet just when she is making plans to spend some precious time off with him, his parents take priority???

Haven't you wondered why her BF would demand that she do all the household chores to his satisfaction, and he can't be bothered to stay awake for one hour to spend time with her, yet, after they have been apart for two weeks and she is hoping for an evening with him alone, he suddenly decides that he WILL to the shopping/cooking/etc. - and it ends up being for his mother.

I have been there done that. My DH would have a hard time doing something simple like taking out the trash for me before it was overflowing... But every weekend we went to see his parents, and he would all of the sudden be working his hiney off to help them out with chores/projects, always just exactly to their liking.

Have you wondered about how she drives 20-25 minutes to hope to spend a few moments with him at lunch, tries to make special plans for intimate time together, buys him special cards, etc. etc. etc. but yet "She doesn't show him that she cares for him"

As the one poster just said... If it ain't good enough now, then nothing you do will ever be good enough.

 

[poohandwendy]

Poohandwendy, I most always agree with you!!! And I do see what you are saying.

However, the been-there-done-that that I am referring to is NOT the simple household chores issue. I am definately seeing things here jump out at me, because of my personal experience, that you might not be seeing..

And I am speaking from experience...these are the same EXACT issues I have dealt with in my marriage, especially early on.

The chores are not the issue. Her BF's behavior and judgemental attitude regarding the chores is an issue.

Absolutely. That is how she feels. That is how she is interpretting him. That does not mean that is what he means when he says what he says to her. I see this as a communication issue.

Spending time with inlaws is not the issue. The fact that her BF chooses to commit to seeing them before even discussing it with her is an issue.

Another communication issue. Does that mean he does not value her? Not necessarily. But, that is how she is taking it. And I guarantee he could give us his gripes about the issue. So, they need to talk about it.

Apparantly they have busy lives, and yet just when she is making plans to spend some precious time off with him, his parents take priority???

That is an interpretation and does not necessarily reflect what is really going on with them.

Haven't you wondered why her BF would demand that she do all the household chores to his satisfaction, and he can't be bothered to stay awake for one hour to spend time with her, yet, after they have been apart for two weeks and she is hoping for an evening with him alone, he suddenly decides that he WILL to the shopping/cooking/etc. - and it ends up being for his mother.

I would think you have been married long enough to not fall into the 'always/never' argument. She always does this, he always does that. It is very, very common for people to use extremes when discussing the gripes they have with their partner. Her side/his side/the truth. I would bet my next paycheck that there is a middle ground that is the REAL truth.

Have you wondered about how she drives 20-25 minutes to hope to spend a few moments with him at lunch, tries to make special plans for intimate time together, buys him special cards, etc. etc. etc. but yet "She doesn't show him that she cares for him"

I think you are really taking a few posts on a message board as reflective of the entire dynamics of their relationship. Seriously, I really doubt any of it is this extreme. I think she is upset...which she has the right to be.

But, as a wife of many, many years...i feel a responsibility to play devils advocate because I know how this goes down. Drama...always/never... battle of who does more, who cares more...who is right. It is never, ever productive. It just makes you competitors. As long as you are competitors, there WILL be a battle.

The truth is the most productive thing she and he could do is drop the drama, do not use absolutes (you are always bad, I am always good) ...actually listen to each other and start thinking of each other as on the same team instead of trying to prove one is better, more loving, doing more, better than the other. It just is not productive. And it certianly does not lead to a better life together.

I will say it again and again and again....No one wins the "I am right, you are wrong" war.

If you seriously think the few posts the OP posted are really indicative of the whole picture of their relationship, I think you are being short sighted. And she has not posted ANYTHING that makes me think....run away fast girl. Trust me, I have given that advice. I am not seeing it here. I am seeing two people who are frustrated with their situation and had dreams of what it 'should' be like. We all learn it just is not that simple. But, we get past that and learn to live and love together...not as competitors...but as partners in this crazy thing called life.

If they do not learn it, they will not last. but, IMHO...he is not the only one here who needs to learn something. They both do.

 

[poohandwendy]

Btw, I am not 'for' the BF or 'for' the GF. I think they are both blowing it equally, LOL. (nor am I 'against' you Woas...just offering my 2 cents)


I also think they could fix it pretty easily too. Hoping they will because it sounds like they both do love each other.

 

[DVC Sadie]

And I am speaking from experience...these are the same EXACT issues I have dealt with in my marriage, especially early on.
Absolutely. That is how she feels. That is how she is interpretting him. That does not mean that is what he means when he says what he says to her. I see this as a communication issue. Another communication issue. Does that mean he does not value her? Not necessarily. But, that is how she is taking it. And I guarantee he could give us his gripes about the issue. So, they need to talk about it. That is an interpretation and does not necessarily reflect what is really going on with them. I would think you have been married long enough to not fall into the 'always/never' argument. She always does this, he always does that. It is very, very common for people to use extremes when discussing the gripes they have with their partner. Her side/his side/the truth. I would bet my next paycheck that there is a middle ground that is the REAL truth. I think you are really taking a few posts on a message board as reflective of the entire dynamics of their relationship. Seriously, I really doubt any of it is this extreme. I think she is upset...which she has the right to be.

But, as a wife of many, many years...i feel a responsibility to play devils advocate because I know how this goes down. Drama...always/never... battle of who does more, who cares more...who is right. It is never, ever productive. It just makes you competitors. As long as you are competitors, there WILL be a battle.

The truth is the most productive thing she and he could do is drop the drama, do not use absolutes (you are always bad, I am always good) ...actually listen to each other and start thinking of each other as on the same team instead of trying to prove one is better, more loving, doing more, better than the other. It just is not productive. And it certianly does not lead to a better life together.

I will say it again and again and again....No one wins the "I am right, you are wrong" war.

If you seriously think the few posts the OP posted are really indicative of the whole picture of their relationship, I think you are being short sighted. And she has not posted ANYTHING that makes me think....run away fast girl. Trust me, I have given that advice. I am not seeing it here. I am seeing two people who are frustrated with their situation and had dreams of what it 'should' be like. We all learn it just is not that simple. But, we get past that and learn to live and love together...not as competitors...but as partners in this crazy thing called life.

If they do not learn it, they will not last. but, IMHO...he is not the only one here who needs to learn something. They both do.

Great post!

I would love to be able to hear his side of this story/drama, and the truth would be somewhere in the middle.

Sometimes it is more important to be kind then it is to be right. In this situation right can cause an end to a relationship that may be worth saving. Without really discussing and listening (actually hearing) each other neither one of you will truly find a compromise or solution.

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[poohandwendy]

Please consider that there are parts of this story I have not disclosed due to the fact that all these posts are searchable on Google (and others) and there are things I'd liek to keep private. I have told Wish Upon A Star some of these things, so she may be better equipped to pass judgment. And I accept the realities of asking for advice from those who do not know the entire situation. But I do appreciate all the advce, even the rough stuff, and am grateful for your time and efforts.
Make love not war!!!!

LOL, I do consider there is much more to the story that you have not disclosed, and obviously he has not had the opportunity to disclose anything. I think that is very important to keep all of that in mind.

Whatever the story (yours/his...whatever), unless there is abuse, infidelity or you do not love each other... if you really do want it to work, I stand by what I said in my earlier post. It really isn't about who is right or wrong. Who did what, said what. It really should not be a race of who does more or cares more, etc.

 

[poohandwendy]

And I guess I am just curious, if you could not express seemingly important aspects of the situation here, why did you ask for advice here? How can you expect advice and then say "Oh, btw there are important things you do not know, so please consider that"

I certainly do understand not wanting to put all your business out on the net, but what was the point in asking if you could not give the whole picture (or at least the critical parts that would make a difference)?

I guess I just do not understand people who come asking for advice on their personal life, but later admit they omitted 'important' pieces of the puzzle and then act as if we don't know what we are talking about because we do not know the 'whole story'. Well, no kidding. We are not mind readers, we are going with what you say here.

kwim?

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[poohandwendy]

well, they are different long stories.
And I wanted advice for the current situation.
However, but DBF is no saint and has a dirty laundry list of his own.
I do not want to be right, I want us to be "right" - I just needed to hear others' opinions on current situations; however, here some people are making me out to look like a monster of some sort, which is not the case. I love how people are telling me how to communicate, but then are saying all sorts of hurtful things based on what is obviously a snapshot of a current situation. It is not fair to slam me for not disclosing every bit of information, b/c that would be about 98268276 pages long and take me forever to type. But thanks.

a) I do not think anyone thinks you are a monster.
b) I do not think anyone thinks your BF doesn't have his own dirty laundry list. Of course he does. We all have been around long enough to know that.
c) This is a perfect example of communication issues:

You read the responses and because you are sensitive to this subject (it's your life, so that is natural), you are taking the words and hearing something that was not said and the intent of the person writing it.

Now, put that into your relationship and you will find that perhaps you and your BF are doing the same thing. Hearing the words and interpreting them to mean something that the other person is not saying. No just you, but both of you. It is one of the most common relationship busters, expecially in the beginning and when you are sorting out the ground rules of your life together.

All I am saying is that sometimes it is important to step back, not over analyze the words said in anger or annoyance/frustration...and then try to figure out exactly where each of you is coming from. That can be applied to any relationship situation.

 

[shortbun]

I am surprised by all of the 'cut him loose' responses here? I guess I just didn't see what was described in the OP as a horrible relationship. Yes, not an optimal one and there is certainly room for communication, that is obvious. But, why is everyone so quick to say 'dump him'?

I said "dump him" because he's a pig. He's all about himself and not about his partner at all. She IS doing all the work and he's not doing anything in the relationship department. She said he first stopped doing the "little" things and now doesn't even do the "big" things. That's a deal breaker as far as I'm concerned. He's not some burned out 40 year old, he's 23 and should still be passionate and romantic. If he's not and that's what she wants in life, she should dump him and find someone more suited to her nature. What's wrong with that? We don't know this guy and some of you feel sorry for him because he's got a maid, a cook and a laundress who also sleeps in. He's doesn't appreciate her and won't change later. Dump him. None of us are invested in him nor should we care about him. btw, if you're needy, so be it. Find a man who wants a woman who adores him and reciprocates. Obviously, there are plenty of women out there who think women should be doormats and like it. Let one of them marry him. They deserve him.

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, we 'don't know this guy'...but you have him pegged as a pig. Too funny.

 

[Serena]

I haven't read all the posts, but to me. They should be too busy to worry about housework. 2 years? This is still the honeymoon stage, best foot forward and all that. If it's this stressful already, I don't have much hope for it.
You need to talk to each other. Get this out and over with and move on, one way or the other.

 

[shortbun]

well, they are different long stories.
And I wanted advice for the current situation.
However, but DBF is no saint and has a dirty laundry list of his own.
I do not want to be right, I want us to be "right" - I just needed to hear others' opinions on current situations; however, here some people are making me out to look like a monster of some sort, which is not the case. I love how people are telling me how to communicate, but then are saying all sorts of hurtful things based on what is obviously a snapshot of a current situation. It is not fair to slam me for not disclosing every bit of information, b/c that would be about 98268276 pages long and take me forever to type. But thanks.

Darlin',
People keep tellin' you to "talk" to him. Haven't you done that already? I think so. I think he's heard it all and chooses himself over you every time. He's not going to change. Ya know that book, "He's Just Not That Into You."? I think that applies here. I think he's going to be into himself, is probably NOT looking for a women who's considering a career and realizes that the gravy train he's on with you will be short lived. So what if he's paying the bills...you're doing all the dirty work and have nothing to show for it. Find another way to support yourself, finish your doctorate and find a man who appreciates you for your brain, your tremendous ability to love and NOT for your dishpan hands. Wait....your boyfriend doesn't even appreciate those!!! Run for the hills and don't look back.

 

[shortbun]

LOL, we 'don't know this guy'...but you have him pegged as a pig. Too funny.

Yeah, and YOU think he LOVES her!!! AND that she should talk it over with him and try to work it out. OMG, Even funnier!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I read the OP and have kept up with the responses.

Here's my .02:

It sounds like a lot of resentment has built up on both sides. He *may* resent the time you have off, while he is burning the candle at both ends. Seems like you resent being unappreciated for things you do do, and of course the expectations of the things he wants you to do.

But, like you stated it's a snapshot.

 

[paigevz]

Well, I can tell you it's pretty similar to a period in my marriage. When the honeymoon is over, you take a look at what you've got, and you're not always satisfied!

He seems like a nice enough guy. You two do need to get away together, that's a good idea. If he wants to save money by going to Nashville, then just go.........don't need a bed and "romance"..........you need some good memory makers and talks. You can do that anywhere as long as you are together without other commitments.

During your talks, be sure to use your I messages: I feel so pampered when you do the laundry/cook/clean/make the bed, it's nice. I enjoy spending time with you when you get home, so sometimes let's do sandwiches for dinner so we have more time. That kind of thing.

Don't worry. He loves you too. They aren't always that great at communicating.

 

[Planogirl]

OP, do yourself a favor and don't take anyone's advice except where it helps you to think about your situation and decide what YOU want to do. None of us really know what the situation is and I think it's rash to just decide something based on a few posts.

Instead, take your time and think things through carefully. You may need to compromise but so does he and talking is of utmost importance. And I meant lots of talking! Get it all out and if you can't work it out, well at least you tried.

 

[robinb]

Hmmm ... the OP moves in with her BF 2 short months after starting to date. They are just 21 years old and they go from "hello" to "virtually married" in no time at all. While you can't swing a dead cat on the DIS without hitting a "love at first sight" or "I was married at 18 we're still going strong" story, I really don't think it happens as often as we hope. My sense is that OP's BF is moving in a different direction and is done playing house with her. I'm sorry to be a downer and for her sake I hope I am wrong.

 

[poohandwendy]

While you can't swing a dead cat on the DIS without hitting a "love at first sight" or "I was married at 18 we're still going strong" story, I really don't think it happens as often as we hope.

That is true...and what many people do not realize is that the common denominator in the success stories is not that they married young or fell in love at first sight...those things are actually what make the odds against you. The success is in what happened in the years after that. How the couple handled problems. The people involved finding the way to work on things when needed, respect and support each other and to communicate.

JMHO

 

[Disney Doll]

Now you know what it will be like to be married to the man. You are lucky you've had the big picture without any of the legal entanglements. He sounds unhappy and uncaring. He's being unfair and taking advantage of you. He doesn't deserve your adoration. There's someone out there who will appreciate you. Don't settle for this life. It can be SO much better. If the bloom is off the rose (so to speak) after just two years...move on.

Appreciate what you "have?" What you have is someone who does nothing for you while you do everything for him. If he thinks his money replaces affection, attention, caring, loving, consideration, romance and on and on...he's the wrong man for you.

shortbun is very wise. I would only add that you speak with a counselor to determine why you "adore" someone who treats you like a 2nd class citizen. There are some self-esteem issues there that need to be worked out.

People will only be treated the way they allow themselves to be treated. If you demand...maybe command is a better word...respect, not verbally but by your demeanor, you will get respect.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was a nice enough guy. We started out in the "honeymoon" phase...he did all kinds of thoughtful things, I did all kinds of thoughtful things, he called, we went out and so on. After a while together (we did not live together), the thoughtful things on his part became fewer and farther between, we spent a lot more time hanging out at his house rather than doing fun things. He spent a lot more time at the volunteer firehouse to the detriment of our relationship. I spent a lot of time letting him do what he wanted and not getting much in return.

I, of course, thought I would die without him, I was young, so I tolerated it. Then he broke up with me and I found out after the fact that he wasn't the wonderful guy I thought he was. And you know what? I didn't die when he broke up with me either. But I learned some very good lessons, which I took with me into other relationships. I learned that I wanted someone who would be considerate of me and my feelings. I learned that I wanted someone who would be faithful. I learned that I wanted someone who put our relationship first. I learned that I wanted a person of integrity.

Then I found DH, and I got all that stuff, all rolled up into one man!!!