Playdate when you don't know the parents

[LeslieG]

My son is 6 and in the first grade. He has a friend in his class he really likes, and this boy has asked him to come to his house on Saturday. I talked to his mother on the phone, and she invited him. His teacher mentioned at our conference this boy was a nice kid. Am I being paranoid about taking him to a house where I don't know the family and dropping him off for a couple hours? How have other parents handled this? Thanks.

 

[TinkerBean]

My son is 6 and in the first grade. He has a friend in his class he really likes, and this boy has asked him to come to his house on Saturday. I talked to his mother on the phone, and she invited him. His teacher mentioned at our conference this boy was a nice kid. Am I being paranoid about taking him to a house where I don't know the family and dropping him off for a couple hours? How have other parents handled this? Thanks.

I would ask if I could bring some pastries and coffee and perhaps chat for a little while "just to make sure that your *son* is comfortable..."

 

[java]

Do you know anyone that knows them? I was always leary of the drop off if I didn't know the people at all. Could you maybe meet at a park instead? So you could check them out?
Chances are he will be fine but I tend to err on the side of caution.
Could you stay for a while? Like come on in and have a cup of coffee- get to know them a little?

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

Been there. Try to stay and chat with the mom, without leaving, or leave after an hour. Set a 2 hour time limit so you all know when it's over. It's hard, but you will have to let go of your fear eventually. He should be fine for an hour without you. Or, ask if you can meet at the playground and chat up the mom there. Then next time you won't feel like the other family is strangers.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

If you feel uncomfortable leaving your son in the care of the parents for a few hours, then perhaps you could suggest that the boys meet up at a park to run off some steam together. Then you and the other parent can get aquainted while the kids play. Once you get to know them better, you can move on to playdates at your home with the child and later at the child's home.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

I always say that I will have to stay b/c my child would be too afraid to stay somewhere they have never been before. I just feel too uncomfortable leaving my children w/ strangers. Even if you have met the mom and child, who else is in the home?
You may even make a friend too.

 

[iluvmickeytown]

I know what you mean. My husband will not allow any play dates where I can't go. I feel bad for DD 5 1/2. Plus how do you tell the kids parents. Sorry I have to go too. Yikes so far it hasn't been that bad talking my daughter out of it. I guess i'll have to have the play dates at my house . He has also made it quite clear that their will be no sleep overs in her future. Unless they are at our house. Good luck.

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Would definately stay. I admit it...I'm paranoid about these things but I would never let my DD have a play date (unsupervised by me or DH) with a non-family member. DD has had several playdates with her day care buddies. I have known these people for 4 years at least and I still don't leave her.

In a way, the person will be "babysitting" your child during the playdate. If you normally wouldn't utilize this person as a babysitter for your child...I would definately stay. As another poster mentioned: bring coffee/snacks and take the opportunity to chat with the parent.

 

[LeslieG]

I like the park idea, but it's 30 degrees where I'm at, so that's probably not an option. I think I'll go in and talk a while, then leave if I feel comfortable. I doubt they're expecting me to stay though. It might be awkward. I haven't actually said for sure yes though. She said if we're free Saturday to call. If not, we'd try another date later. Even if I get to know the mom, you never know what the husband is like, or maybe an older brother, or a crazy uncle who just got out of prison staying with them! I'm just paranoid.

 

[Juliegirl1]

How about suggesting that you go to McDonalds for lunch - pick one with an indoor playground. That would solve the weather issue.

 

[iluvmickeytown]

I like the park idea, but it's 30 degrees where I'm at, so that's probably not an option. I think I'll go in and talk a while, then leave if I feel comfortable. I doubt they're expecting me to stay though. It might be awkward. I haven't actually said for sure yes though. She said if we're free Saturday to call. If not, we'd try another date later. Even if I get to know the mom, you never know what the husband is like, or maybe an older brother, or a crazy uncle who just got out of prison staying with them! I'm just paranoid.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

I always stay for a first playdate, and everyone I know does the same -- especially for a 6 year old. Don't feel self-conscious, you are demonstrating to the mother that you are concerned and caring parents. I would be a little puzzed if someone just wanted to drop their kid and go for a first visit...

 

[momof296&02]

DD 5 1/2's friend has a father who is listed on the sex offender list(the charge was rape 20 years ago) & I would have never know if I wasn't vigilant about checking it- i'm pretty strict about playdates & when DD gets invited to a friends house I have no problem telling the parent(s) i'd like to come along since we really don't know each other & so far noone has had a problem with this & DD even gets invited back! I will say that I am the one who usually has the playdate at my house- I like peace of mind.

 

[angwill]

Sadly, we have had a run in with a crazy uncle so it does happen. I just thank God my child was not harmed by him but his friend was and the parents brushed it under the rug. DS doesn't play over there anymore and it was sad for him because he was young and didn't understand why he couldn't play with his friend.

I agree to ask before hand if she minds if you stay and chat and be open and tell her how you feel. I know at times at least one parent has been uncomfortable with my staying to chat but that's the way it goes. Meeting somewhere is another good idea.

The biggest lesson I learned is always trust your instincts and don't feel bad to refuse to allow your child to be alone where you are uncomfortable. My son is in middle school and I still want to know the family before letting him be alone at their house. We do not do sleep overs either after the scare we had and DS knows that's just the way it is. I never did sleep overs as a child and I am fine with it and I guarantee lots of kids will never go to a sleep over either and will still grow to be healthy adults.

Always go with your gut.

 

[gonemousin']

I like the park idea, but it's 30 degrees where I'm at, so that's probably not an option. I think I'll go in and talk a while, then leave if I feel comfortable. I doubt they're expecting me to stay though. It might be awkward. I haven't actually said for sure yes though. She said if we're free Saturday to call. If not, we'd try another date later. Even if I get to know the mom, you never know what the husband is like, or maybe an older brother, or a crazy uncle who just got out of prison staying with them! I'm just paranoid.

I would most definitely NOT feel uncomfortable about sticking around when dropping off your child. I do and always will...until I'm comfortable with the parents and their household, I will not leave. Call me crazy, but my DH and I are my child's only advocate...if I don't protect them, who will?? If the mother makes you feel unwelcomed and is not respectful of your desire to nonchalantly investigate her household, run like the wind. When my DD7 has a new playmate over our house for the first time, I FULLY expect the parents to stay and investigate my household. I find it odd if they don't.

 

[krismom]

I had a similar situation with a family we know very well, and like.... except that the Dad is a cop and I was terrified about the idea of a gun in the house. The kid always comes to our house- end of discussion.

 

[tinkarooni]

I completely agree with what everyone has said. I have a DD 7 and DS 9. The only time they are allowed to people's home I don't know is when I stay. I am very open about that to people and tell them, we don't know each other so if you don't mind I'd like to stay for the playdate. No one has refused me yet and if they did we woudn't go.

I want to share one experience I had. It was a new friend and the mother seemed nice enough. The boy was very well mannered. I stayed to get to know the mother who chugged beer the entire time I was there. Seriously, she had about a six pack before I left. I have always wondered if that was her good behavior for company. My DS has never gone back. He has become BFF with the boy who rides his bus so we always have him to our home where I can supervise.

Just want to point out....not alarm....but do they have guns in the house? Are they locked up? What about drugs, alcohol or as stated above crazy uncles. The only sleepovers we do are with our cousins.

Good Luck!

 

[tinkarooni]

I had a similar situation with a family we know very well, and like.... except that the Dad is a cop and I was terrified about the idea of a gun in the house. The kid always comes to our house- end of discussion.

We were typing at the same time. I'm glad to see others have considered the gun issue. Even if the parent is not a cop (and cops probably know how to properly secure a weapon.) Is there a gun in the house? We just had a 17 year old across town shot and killed because a bunch of kids were looking at a grandfathers gun. It can and does happen all the time.

 

[SiAm]

DD 5 1/2's friend has a father who is listed on the sex offender list(the charge was rape 20 years ago) & I would have never know if I wasn't vigilant about checking it- i'm pretty strict about playdates & when DD gets invited to a friends house I have no problem telling the parent(s) i'd like to come along since we really don't know each other & so far noone has had a problem with this & DD even gets invited back! I will say that I am the one who usually has the playdate at my house- I like peace of mind.

Did you ever allow your DD to play with the friend whose dad was on the SO list?

I don't have kids, so I don't really know how I would react in this situation if I were you. One of my very BFs has a DD who is 6. Her DD6 has a playmate whose father is also on the SO list in our town, and my friend knows the family. I always wonder what the SO's family does about other playmates for their child? I know that they absolutely do not have sleepovers, home birthday parties or other children at their home without the parents of the child as well, because they do not want to set themselves up for an accusation. Would most people be ok with this if the mother were there during the playdate?

It seems a little sad if people won't allow their children to play with the children of SO's. They shouldn't be punished and ostracized for the parent's mistake, IMHO. They will have a difficult enough time growing up with all of the other things that kids are mean about these days.

I completely agree with supervised playdates and don't think it can return to the way things were when I was a child. I reflect on some of the situations I was in as kid and the people that I encountered sometimes and wonder why my mom didn't keep a tighter leash on me. However, she did equip me with a pretty good sense of being suspicious of others and that has stuck with me, and I do think it made me walk away from situations sometimes when I should have.

 

[pixiepower1971]

We live on a military post and have most of my kids lives. We just assume that ALL their friends parents will have weapons in the house! If we banned them from houses with weapons they would have no friends! We have taught our girls how to handle weapons and how to deal with bad situations.


I always hate threads like this. So many people won't allow their kids to be friends with and visit the homes of kids whose parents are in law enforcement, military, etc. just because of the gun issue. It is your choice and it is an issue that needs to be addressed but to totally condemn these families for this one thing is not fair. Why should my kid always have to go to your house to play with your kid? Why should I trust you? If you have no gun in the house how will you protect my child in a situation such as a home invasion?

Not trying to stir the pot...just my opinion after reading so many threads on this subject.

And no...we have NEVER had anyone not allow their child come to out house beacause of weapons.


Also, for all those parents that won't allow your kids to go on unsupervised playdates- what age will you let them?