Playdate behavior issues

[Hillbeans]

My son (7) had a playdate yesterday and lets just say we've decided not to have more of them with this friend anytime soon. There was a lot of sulking, rude behavior, friend kept telling me he was bored, our house is boring, etc...i'd frankly had enough and took him home after 2 hours and told his parents the kids were both in bad moods. My son said it was the worst playdate and come to find out afterwards friend pinched my son on the back.

Anyway, these two boys say they are each other's "best friend" and if I tell my son he can't see him anymore he will most likely be upset.

Obviously in the grand scheme of things this is a small issue, but please tell me i'm not the only one who has an issue with a child's playdate and how did you handle going forward?

 

[Bibbidi]

I have had a similar instance with my dd7 and our neighbor across the street. Both girls are very sweet, nice kids on their own, but together they are not the best match as friends. I think some kids are just bound not to get along well even when you see them with other kids or in group settings with no problems. They can both be stubborn and dig their heels in and I think that is the reason for the bickering. My rule is (on the rare playdate occassion) if they aren't getting along then the other girl has to go home. I am friends with the other girls' mom and we help eachother get kids off the bus sometimes so I want to remain friendly and neighborly. I just have come to the conclusion that our kids won't be best friends (at least not now) and that's OK.

 

[mom2aredhead]

My son is an only child, so we have quite a few playdates...some go better than others.

My rule of thumb (my son is 5) is to limit them to about an hour and a half, and to have something specific for them to do, along with a back-up. Like, we never say can so-and-so come over and play, it's can so-and-so come over to watch a movie/go to the park/play video games/play on the computer etc. Much as I hate trying to be the entertainment director, I don't just have a kid come over and leave the 2 of them to their own devices...but maybe that's because they're younger.

We've had a few that have not gone well, and those are the people that we now meet for playdates somewhere other than my house...one of those indoor playgrounds, the children's museum, etc.

 

[irene_dsc]

It sounds like this is a first playdate for them? We don't do many playdates, so I'm not exactly an expert, but we also tend to do shorter ones - starting with an hour or 2, especially for a first one.

I guess part of the question is whether the other boy was just in a bad mood and is usually nicer, or if this is typical. If your ds claims he is his best friend, presumably they like to do *something* together. Of course, my own 7 yo ds can be rather grouchy at times.

 

[kaysmommie]

Your definately not the only one. Most of the time we have good luck with playdates because I try to make sure there with my kids friends that are not rude. The comments he made were not very nice. I would think most 7 year olds would know better than that. Also 2 hours for a playdate is the perfect amount of time in my experiences. Maybe the other kid was just in a grumpy mood.

 

[mjkacmom]

My son is an only child, so we have quite a few playdates...some go better than others.

My rule of thumb (my son is 5) is to limit them to about an hour and a half, and to have something specific for them to do, along with a back-up. Like, we never say can so-and-so come over and play, it's can so-and-so come over to watch a movie/go to the park/play video games/play on the computer etc. Much as I hate trying to be the entertainment director, I don't just have a kid come over and leave the 2 of them to their own devices...but maybe that's because they're younger.

We've had a few that have not gone well, and those are the people that we now meet for playdates somewhere other than my house...one of those indoor playgrounds, the children's museum, etc.

LOL - mom of 5 close-in-age kids, and I'm the opposite! Don't even think about telling me you are bored - the reason I have playdates for my children is so I don't have to entertain (and to be honest, I've been very lax lately with my little ones, since they play together really, really well). I remember one of dd12's first playdate in kindergarten - she went over to this child's home, an only, and did a craft! When the girl came to our house, within the first 5 minutes, she asked me what they should do - um, play? Since I had them so close together, my kids have just played with each other, since I was always busy with a baby.

 

[melancholywings]

I've got an only and when we do playdates I expect the kids to play, I usually have a few back up activities on hand in case things go sour or they need a break, but if the playdate is a good fit the kids will usually want to be left alone to do their own thing.
We had one playdate though at 6 that sounds like the one you described. This girl would not play with DD, right off the bat she kept asking me for food every 5 minutes even after I gave the kids a sizable snack and when she wasn't asking for food she was complaining about how bored she was and wanted to know everything I was doing and would follow me around the house. Then she kept playing on the stairs which is a big no-no in our house and one of the rules I had explained to both girls before hand, then she kept throwing DD's toys down the stairs and playing overly rough with things.
She kept telling me and DD how her toys and room were SO much better and cooler than my DD's. I offered to take her home several times, but she wanted my DD to come over to her house so she could show her how much better her toys were (DD had previously done a playdate at her house a couple of weeks before this), when I told her 'no we're not bouncing back and forth between houses and that she could go home if she'd like but DD was staying here' the girl decided she didn't want to go home after all. 5 minutes later she asked again if DD could come to her house
We even tried the Wii, DH sat down with the girls and tried to play a couple of party games and all the girl did was complain, get huffy and put down DD when ever she did well. I was never so glad to see her family pick her up.
But then after the playdate we had a problem where the girl kept calling us. Multiple times a day often late in the evening asking if DD could come over and play or do a slumber party. We'd say no and then she'd turn around and call back a few minutes later and ask again. She even called us multiple times on christmas eve asking if DD could have a slumber party that night - so that DD could see her open her presents.
But on the other hand we've had playdates with other children who were so sweet and well mannered.

 

[Elmo888]

LOL - mom of 5 close-in-age kids, and I'm the opposite! Don't even think about telling me you are bored - the reason I have playdates for my children is so I don't have to entertain (and to be honest, I've been very lax lately with my little ones, since they play together really, really well). I remember one of dd12's first playdate in kindergarten - she went over to this child's home, an only, and did a craft! When the girl came to our house, within the first 5 minutes, she asked me what they should do - um, play? Since I had them so close together, my kids have just played with each other, since I was always busy with a baby.

I'm with you. Our rule is no tv or computer when friends are over. I prefer that they interact and play together.

DD4 had her 3 yo friend over for 4 hours today (they play together often - almost every week over the summer). And the only times that I was involved - feeding them lunch, cleaning up the mess when they pulled out every single wipe out of a full package (they were playing "cleaning lady", and we don't even have one!), and checking on them when they went to the bathroom.

Four hours is a long time for 3/4 year olds, and it is usually closer to 2 or 3 before they seem to get tired.

If your child and his/her playdate aren't getting along, I'd give a warning and then take/send the playdate home. Sometimes kids are in bad moods, tired, etc. Sometimes it just isn't a good match. I have an 8 yo, too, and, when she was in kindergarten, I took her playdate home early. They weren't getting along (it seemed to be on my DD's side). I gave a warning and then took the playdate home (I felt bad because the mother was sick, and it helped that her DD had a playdate).

I've also canceled a playdate before it started when my DD was acting awful (and she was 8 at the time and she took a 2 hour nap instead of having the playdate).

If a kid extremely rude, I don't usually have the kid back (this has happened maybe once or twice). I explain to my 8 yo that I don't have the patience for that sort of behavior. She seems to understand. I also give my 8 yo a nice lecture of how not to behave at someone's house! At her 7th birthday party, there was a girl who was awful, climbing on a table, smearing cupcake into the carpet - she was acting worse than my younger DD who was 2 at the time. I told DD8 that that girl wasn't coming back.

I agree with the other posters - I'd say 1 to 2 hours for a first playdate just to see how it goes, especially if it is after school (they are tired from school anyway). I don't usually go with 3 hours unless it includes lunch.

 

[monorailsilver]

Last December my dd went to this girls house. OT, but the mom took her home with out me knowing. My dd was in the bus line & her friend coaxed her into coming with her so of course my dd went. I didn't know the mom but had seen her around but I knew the kids were friends.

When I went to pick up my dd the house was a mess. Worse then a mess with toys all over I mean you couldn't even see the kitchen counter & was horrid. Then there were piles of crap everywhere. Junk crap.

So I decided my dd couldn't go there anymore & we'd have the girl at our house.

She came over after school one day & because of her, I won't do an afterschool play date unless it is a half day. They were wild.

So I had her over one Saturday. The mom is a single mom. Her grandmother & step grandfather watch her ALOT. I told the mom that my dd would be home from CCD at around 11:30. The grandparents showed up to ditch her at 11:30 & my dd pulled in right behind them from her car pool.

The mom said she'd be over between 3 & 4. Four passes & there was no call from her & she showed up close to 5 & I couldn't wait to get rid of her.

Things she did-

-didn't clean up when told. I tell my dd she & her friends need to clean up their toys. My dh told them to clean up & my dd was cleaning yet her friend didn't.

-there were scraps of paper all over the floor. Again, my dh said to clean them up & she ignored him. He was not happy!

-she pushed my then nearly 2 yo dd for no reason.

-she did something else to my 2 yo, I forget what it was but it was something along the lines of the girls were putting on dress up clothes & her friend didn't want my dd in the room while they were changing. Um, she was 2, she could care less (still now at almost 3) what you are wearing or not wearing.

It was a very stressful 5 hours.

I confronted the mom at basketball when she asked to have another play date & I told her that they were not allowed unless she (the mom) was there the entire time to mind her child. I told her what she did & her dd played dumb like she never did any of that stuff & there my dd pipes up saying "Oh I know what she did".

Then the mom said to me "oh your dd was just as bad at my house". Um, tell me then. I would of told her when she picked up her dd but I didn't know all that went on & my dh told me after the fact.

So no, my dd isn't allowed playdates with her anymore. Luckily they are not in the same class this year.

And I am not the only mom who felt that way either. The mom of the above dd asked another mom at the end of the year party last year for a play date & the mom said we are traveling alot or something like that & her dd said "but mom you said I couldn't have anymore play dates with her".

And another mom had similar issues at a playdate at her house so they have no more playdates with that child.

And (the last and, I promise), a mom of one of the boys was so upset that the mean girl was in his class this year. She was always so mean to him & lied in class & made him get in trouble.

I feel bad for the girl because she has no stable home environment as she gets tossed to her dad, mom & grandparents.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

My kids don't have play dates very often. We live in an area that is kinda snobby. My DD3 has a friend that will some times come over if she is at her grandma's house (neighbors), but my DD is never invited over the her house. She has another friend that comes for 2-3 hours and they play very well together...when DD goes to his house DF's mom says it is like going from 1 to 0 because they play together and her only isn't looking from attention from her.
My DS5 rarely has play dates. He has a school friend that lives up the road from my parents. Some days she will come looking for him. The other day DS and DD were playing with her and another friend. DD and DS came to my mom's house and said that the other 2 friends had gone to the other's house and they couldn't go. This did upset me as DS and School friend had made plans to play after school (DS went to my mom's just to play) and then the other friend who is a little more bossy came around. I don't know if they told my DS he couldn't come or if it was that he couldn't jump the fense to get to the house. But mom told me that they girls had done this one time before. My DS was crushed and crying!
I think the biggest problem is that in our community kids just invite themselves over and I have not raised DS and DD to do that.

 

[WantToGoNow]

I have yet to have any of ds7's friends over for a playdate. As a matter of fact, I don't even let him play with the 3 boys his age on our street anymore. He was best friends with the one boy until about September - this boy is a year older than him and a bit "babyfied" - still sucks his thumb all the time, carries around a stuffed toy and pouts if things don't go his way. I wasn't really upset to see him stop coming around; the other 2 boys are fine alone but when together they bully my son.

It all ended in September when the 3 boys ganged up on my son and the one held him down while the other 2 kicked him. My son to get away, bit the boy laying across him so of course the other mothers were upset with me. So I decided he wasn't playing with any of them.

A few weeks later the "best friend" came back around. A few day later, there was another fight with the same boys - again my son took the blunt of it because he scratched the boy (forget that he had scratches all up and down his chest and back).

I even had to talk to the teacher at school because the two bully boys were tying ds to the basketball pole with jump ropes - that came to a sudden halt after my conference.

 

[Hillbeans]

We had one playdate though at 6 that sounds like the one you described. This girl would not play with DD, right off the bat she kept asking me for food every 5 minutes even after I gave the kids a sizable snack and when she wasn't asking for food she was complaining about how bored she was and wanted to know everything I was doing and would follow me around the house. Then she kept playing on the stairs which is a big no-no in our house and one of the rules I had explained to both girls before hand, .

Oh my gosh, I could have written this post - yes, this kind of describes how playdates with this one boy go, including the lecture about playing on the bannister/stairs. Because the boys are almost 8 years old, I do not feel as if I need to entertain the kids because they should be playing on their own. DH and I decided to not have playdates with this boy for awhile due to the behavior we witnessed. For some reason or another DS and him think they are "best friends" but really have little in common.

 

[verlee]

JMO, I think saying that friend can't come over any more after one bad play date is a little hasty.

Kids can have bad days. I would give the friend another chance and then set ground rules right at the beginning. If the bad behavior is still there then you have something to discuss with your own son. You can turn it into a teaching moment... "This is what we do not do when visiting others." My ds (6) has had bad playdates with a neighbor and then the next time it was great. They are young and don't have that much control over their manners yet.