Personal responsibility with kids

[LisaInNc]

I am curious at what age did you start teaching what I call "personal responsibility" to you kids?

What I mean by that is with kids…I am not covering for you if you don't do your homework or lose a paper. If you forget your lunch you won't die of starvation. I am not going to school to bring you an item that you forgot. You finish what you start. Stuff like that.

I started when my daughter was 6. She is 13 now and any time I see a lunch left behind my heart hurts a little but I know she WILL survive.

She hates it when I say "that is not my problem" but truly most times it is not.

Lisa

 

[tvguy]

I am curious at what age did you start teaching what I call "personal responsibility" to you kids?

What I mean by that is with kids…I am not covering for you if you don't do your homework or lose a paper. If you forget your lunch you won't die of starvation. I am not going to school to bring you an item that you forgot. You finish what you start. Stuff like that.

I started when my daughter was 6. She is 13 now and any time I see a lunch left behind my heart hurts a little but I know she WILL survive.

She hates it when I say "that is not my problem" but truly most times it is not.

Lisa

You aren't kidding about your heart hurts a little when they don't do something they should have known to do.
Mine did okay until puberty hit, then they seemed to forget, as adults they seem to have relearned it all.

I think now there are some different mindsets in society that also can complicated it. My rule always was you never leave home without $20 in your wallet. Cash isn't a popular option in this ATM and Credit Card world, but both my kids relearned dad's rule, being far from home, hungry, in a place where there was food, but only if you had cash.

 

[mickeyboat]

Well, I am a big believer in natural consequences, so my kids have been learning personal responsibility since they were very young.

That being said, I do go out of my way to help them when they need help. If they forget something at home, and I am in a position to bring it to them, I do. I would hope that someone who loved me would be kind to me if I made a mistake.

Now if forgetting things was a regular occurrence, I would feel differently. But for the most part my kids are pretty responsible (14 & 15). They have plenty of opportunity to do it right, and most of the time they do. For the few times they make a mistake, I am happy to help.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't recall starting at any specified point--it's kind of been a continuum, ya know?

The amount of things I expect them to be responsible for grows as they do.

And, if there is not an ongoing habit or problem, and it is doable for me to "save" them once in a blue moon, I do not have any "zero tolerance" policy and even DH and I help each other out sometimes

 

[TAX GUY]

We still haven't and he's 24. He's only going to be young once so why rush it? We still insist he use a stroller when we go to Disney (he's a petite 24). He can be a grown up when we're gone.

 

[minkydog]

I don't recall starting at any specified point--it's kind of been a continuum, ya know?

The amount of things I expect them to be responsible for grows as they do.

And, if there is not an ongoing habit or problem, and it is doable for me to "save" them once in a blue moon, I do not have any "zero tolerance" policy and even DH and I help each other out sometimes

This was and still is our policy. My kids slipped up a few times and forgot a project or lunch or chorus uniform. If one of us was able to take it up to school, we did it. They never abused the privilege and I like to think it taught them the value of supporting and protecting family, when at all possible.

Even now, I will sometimes drop everything to go take care of DD21 when she is sick or hurt up at her college, 2 hrs away. And when the police called one night at 3am because he had stopped DS28 for DUI, we rolled out of bed and picked him up so he didn't have to go to jail. It must have made an impact, because that was the one and only time it happened, over 3yrs ago.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I am curious at what age did you start teaching what I call "personal responsibility" to you kids?

What I mean by that is with kids…I am not covering for you if you don't do your homework or lose a paper. If you forget your lunch you won't die of starvation. I am not going to school to bring you an item that you forgot. You finish what you start. Stuff like that.

I started when my daughter was 6. She is 13 now and any time I see a lunch left behind my heart hurts a little but I know she WILL survive.

She hates it when I say "that is not my problem" but truly most times it is not.

Lisa

We are a family and we try to have each others backs as much as possible for things like this. At 36, I still forget things once in awhile, and my DH will always bring it to me if he can. I have a 6 year old, and if I don't hand him his lunch/lunch money before he gets on the bus in the morning, I feel as though that's my failure, not his. It seems to have worked for us. My older kids rarely forget anything. The 1st grader doesn't really have the opportunity to leave things at home yet- we're helping him with his homework, and checking his folder at night. His responsibility lies in making sure it gets home in the first place, and so far, so good.

 

[Andtototoo]

My dd learned it pretty young because both of us work outside the home. Right from the beginning, it was not possible for us to leave work unless she was sick and/or we were working 30+ minutes away from school, so there is no going home to get something for her.

Obviously when she was little little, it was our responsibility to make sure she had all of her stuff. But she learned the lesson that if you screw up, there are consequences. So from a young age, she learned the lesson that if she didn't bring it, she's not going to get it during the day. That made her doublecheck everything before she left.

When she was in high school, one time she called because she'd forgotten something. Since it was the only time she asked and I was working 5 minutes from home and 5 minutes from her school, I could easily get it and bring it to her on my lunch break. I did it because it was an aberration. But she had plenty of friends whose mothers brought stuff to the school DAILY.

Last year, her newly-21 year old roommate proved that she was never taught that lesson. She regularly would leave the apartment with nothing more than her phone, was regularly unprepared for class, etc. So one weekend, she left to visit friends 4 hours away on a weekend and got there, a few hours later, they all went to a bar for her birthday and only THEN realized she'd forgotten her purse. No wallet, no id, nothing. All she had was her clothes, hair and make up stuff and her phone. She called my dd and actually expected my dd to drive it to her. My dd declined that honor. She then tried to get dd to drive 2 hours and meet her halfway. Dd also declined that honor. She had an absolute fit worthy of a toddler and cried, "My mom would do it for me!" At which point, dd said, "Yeah, that's why you ALWAYS are leaving the apartment without your stuff and expecting others to help you out. Grow up."

 

[design_mom]

As previous posters have said, I think it's been a continuum. We have had the finish-what-you-start rule since they were old enough to be in activities (3 years old?)

When my son was 6, he broke his Nintendo DS in anger/frustration (he lost the game he was playing). We made him earn and save the money to buy a new one and it took him almost a year. Both grandparents wanted to buy him a new one as a gift, and we wouldn't allow it. Mean, mean... but I think it did have a lasting effect. He's been much more careful with his valuable items since then.

I also aim for natural consequences but I have my limits. Some examples:
-- If you forget your umbrella and have to walk home in the rain, so be it. However, if you lose your coat and would be walking home in frostbite-inducing cold, call me. I won't let that happen if I can help it. (As it turned out, another girl in the class had the same coat. The other girl left early for an appointment and accidentally took my daughter's coat. The girl's own coat was in her backpack, but they did not find it till later that evening, which left my daughter with no coat at the end of the day.)
-- If forgetting your lunch means that you have to eat whatever the cafeteria is serving even if you don't like it, so be it. If it means you'll go hungry, I'll get your lunch to you if I can.
-- If you didn't do your homework, don't expect me to offer much sympathy. If you did your report, but left your visual aid on the counter because something unexpected happened that morning, I'll bring it to you if I can.

(As another parent pointed out -- the "if I can" truly meant "if I can." There were some times, depending on where I was working, that I truly couldn't run something forgotten up to the school... but in the instances of lunch money, etc. I always made *something* work out to where they wouldn't go hungry.)

I think there's a fine (blurry) line between teaching personal responsibility and modeling compassion and helpfulness. Everyone screws up sometimes, and it's important to know that you have a partner/family/support system that's "got your back" when you need it... but when you start expecting someone else to fix all the problems for you, it would become a problem.

 

[Minnesota!]

It is a continual process in our house. As I reiterate many, many times a day "your X, your responsibility...". Whether that be homework, lunch, iPod, clothes, etc. My kids are 7 and 10 and they are pretty much responsible for everything relating to themselves outside of making dinner, paying the bills and driving.

It killed me when DS forgot his book to study this weekend...but I put the onus on him...and he got a 54% on his test. I told him if he ends up repeating 5th...he can go thru life remembering that he brought it on.

Personal responsibility, no matter how small, is a big thing in our house.

 

[scrapquitler]

Well, I am a big believer in natural consequences, so my kids have been learning personal responsibility since they were very young.

That being said, I do go out of my way to help them when they need help. If they forget something at home, and I am in a position to bring it to them, I do. I would hope that someone who loved me would be kind to me if I made a mistake.

Now if forgetting things was a regular occurrence, I would feel differently. But for the most part my kids are pretty responsible (14 & 15). They have plenty of opportunity to do it right, and most of the time they do. For the few times they make a mistake, I am happy to help.

I agree with this more than the let them suffer point of view.

Here's what I think. If I, as an adult, forget to take my lunch to work with me, I have the option to go back home to get it, or go somewhere to buy it during my lunch hour. My child doesn't have the option to leave school and return home or go out and purchase a lunch somewhere else. As a result, I would generally have her back and bail her out.

Like the above poster said, if it were a regular occurrence, I might feel differently. I did have a few texts or calls during high school to bring something that was forgotten, but it was maybe 3 or 4 times in four years, which to me, is not excessive. And running them down to her 2 miles away was not a hardship or inconvenience at all.

I figure that it doesn't hurt to be kind and set that example. I'm not perfect as an adult, how can I expect my child to never make a mistake?

 

[mom2rtk]

And, if there is not an ongoing habit or problem, and it is doable for me to "save" them once in a blue moon, I do not have any "zero tolerance" policy and even DH and I help each other out sometimes

I feel the same way. It's sort of nice to know someone has your back. As long as they are showing responsibility the rest of the time and aren't making a habit of needing last minute bail-outs.

 

[Gracefulskinny]

We still haven't and he's 24. He's only going to be young once so why rush it? We still insist he use a stroller when we go to Disney (he's a petite 24). He can be a grown up when we're gone.

Oh Lordy!

 

[bellebud]

We still haven't and he's 24. He's only going to be young once so why rush it? We still insist he use a stroller when we go to Disney (he's a petite 24). He can be a grown up when we're gone.

best.line.ever.

 

[LSmith]

I am curious at what age did you start teaching what I call "personal responsibility" to you kids?

What I mean by that is with kids…I am not covering for you if you don't do your homework or lose a paper. If you forget your lunch you won't die of starvation. I am not going to school to bring you an item that you forgot. You finish what you start. Stuff like that.

I started when my daughter was 6. She is 13 now and any time I see a lunch left behind my heart hurts a little but I know she WILL survive.

She hates it when I say "that is not my problem" but truly most times it is not.

Lisa

I can't imagine let my child go without lunch at 6 or 13 purposely. Absolutely cruel and unnecessary punishment in my opinion even though they won't starve. We are their parents to help them and catch them when they fall not constantly "teach them a lesson".

As a parent how can you say "that's not my problem"?

 

[Happy Snowman]

I can't imagine let my child go without lunch at 6 or 13 purposely. Absolutely cruel and unnecessary punishment in my opinion even though they won't starve. We are their parents to help them and catch them when they fall not constantly "teach them a lesson".

As a parent how can you say "that's not my problem"?

because..if a parent doesn't teach them that lesson...they will never learn...


We were with everyone else, it was something that started, age appropriately at a very young age. In kindergarten we made sure they had what they needed for the day, but it was their responsibility to make sure they remembered to bring their backpack. By age 13, they were responsible for getting ready on their own and getting their stuff together. If they needed lunch money, they needed to tell me or yes, they did not have lunch for a day. They lived...and only forgot to ask for lunch money once. Everyone forgets something every once in a while and I would bring things to school every once in a while--I told the kids once a quarter, but rarely did I need to even do that. Start early and it becomes a non-issue.

 

[LSmith]

because..if a parent doesn't teach them that lesson...they will never learn...


We were with everyone else, it was something that started, age appropriately at a very young age. In kindergarten we made sure they had what they needed for the day, but it was their responsibility to make sure they remembered to bring their backpack. By age 13, they were responsible for getting ready on their own and getting their stuff together. If they needed lunch money, they needed to tell me or yes, they did not have lunch for a day. They lived...and only forgot to ask for lunch money once. Everyone forgets something every once in a while and I would bring things to school every once in a while--I told the kids once a quarter, but rarely did I need to even do that. Start early and it becomes a non-issue.

Thanks for the parenting tips but I managed to raise mine as wonderful, compassionate and successful human beings.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

I can't imagine let my child go without lunch at 6 or 13 purposely. Absolutely cruel and unnecessary punishment in my opinion even though they won't starve. We are their parents to help them and catch them when they fall not constantly "teach them a lesson".

As a parent how can you say "that's not my problem"?

I agree. As others has said it's a continuous thing we teach
But if it involves grades we will help them. I'm a sahm and I think that is just part of my job.

 

[NewRVLady]

From K- 8 th grade ours HAD to eat school lunch - private school rules

HS they tried for a while ...decided school lunch was ICK-then ate the EXACT dry turkey sandwich every day
They ALWAys remembered their lunch- to have Mommy bring the forgotten lunch would have been WAY too humiliating

 

[msjprincess]

I can't imagine let my child go without lunch at 6 or 13 purposely. Absolutely cruel and unnecessary punishment in my opinion even though they won't starve. We are their parents to help them and catch them when they fall not constantly "teach them a lesson".

As a parent how can you say "that's not my problem"?

If my kids forget their lunch they can buy lunch. They're not going to starve.

Every morning I remind them to make sure they have their homework, books, pencils, pens, lunch...And they assure they have everything. If they're wrong and didn't bother checking, oh well.