Personal responsibility with kids

[mamacatnv]

I don't recall starting at any specified point--it's kind of been a continuum, ya know?

The amount of things I expect them to be responsible for grows as they do.

And, if there is not an ongoing habit or problem, and it is doable for me to "save" them once in a blue moon, I do not have any "zero tolerance" policy and even DH and I help each other out sometimes

same here, no defined age, it is just part of our parenting style.

We still haven't and he's 24. He's only going to be young once so why rush it? We still insist he use a stroller when we go to Disney (he's a petite 24). He can be a grown up when we're gone.

OMGosh, this is great!

As previous posters have said, I think it's been a continuum. We have had the finish-what-you-start rule since they were old enough to be in activities (3 years old?)

When my son was 6, he broke his Nintendo DS in anger/frustration (he lost the game he was playing). We made him earn and save the money to buy a new one and it took him almost a year. Both grandparents wanted to buy him a new one as a gift, and we wouldn't allow it. Mean, mean... but I think it did have a lasting effect. He's been much more careful with his valuable items since then.

I also aim for natural consequences but I have my limits. Some examples:
-- If you forget your umbrella and have to walk home in the rain, so be it. However, if you lose your coat and would be walking home in frostbite-inducing cold, call me. I won't let that happen if I can help it. (As it turned out, another girl in the class had the same coat. The other girl left early for an appointment and accidentally took my daughter's coat. The girl's own coat was in her backpack, but they did not find it till later that evening, which left my daughter with no coat at the end of the day.)
-- If forgetting your lunch means that you have to eat whatever the cafeteria is serving even if you don't like it, so be it. If it means you'll go hungry, I'll get your lunch to you if I can.
-- If you didn't do your homework, don't expect me to offer much sympathy. If you did your report, but left your visual aid on the counter because something unexpected happened that morning, I'll bring it to you if I can.

(As another parent pointed out -- the "if I can" truly meant "if I can." There were some times, depending on where I was working, that I truly couldn't run something forgotten up to the school... but in the instances of lunch money, etc. I always made *something* work out to where they wouldn't go hungry.)

I think there's a fine (blurry) line between teaching personal responsibility and modeling compassion and helpfulness. Everyone screws up sometimes, and it's important to know that you have a partner/family/support system that's "got your back" when you need it... but when you start expecting someone else to fix all the problems for you, it would become a problem.

Very well said

We too aim for actions = consequences. Poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on mine but we are human, stuff happens.

I think like with everything we do as parents there is a fine blurry often fuzzy line. DD locked herself out this past summer, she had gone to a school event, taken her backpack and forgotten that for the summer she had put her house key in her purse (she now has two keys), it was 105 degrees and no one was going to be home for several hours. I drove home from work to let her in. Making her hang out on the porch miserable for several hours IMO was too severe of a consequence for a simple oversight.

When she goes to a school event and for the umpteenth time forgets to take a snack or snack money she is on her own, she won't starve.

When she doesn't do what she was asked because she is being lazy, she gets to deal with the consequences.

Like so many have said, start with little things and judge them as they come along. We are presented with lots of teaching moments with our children. Not all of those moments need to be defined as teaching them a "lesson" many can be defined as teaching them that we have their back which is often a more important lesson than "you're on your own".

Every child is different. My DD is super compliant so turning in an assignment because she forgot it would be devastating for her and a very rare occurrence, thus I would most likely bend over backwards to get it to her. DS would not have cared about a late assignment and he would have had to suck it up and deal with it because it was something he did regularly but then again, he knew better than to ask!

 

[Goddesstree]

I agree. As others has said it's a continuous thing we teach
But if it involves grades we will help them. I'm a sahm and I think that is just part of my job.

When that evolves into college, or a job, will you still be bringing in the forgotten whatever?

I've managed to raise two highly successful, compassionate, responsible, independent young women. Responsibility was given to them both at a very early age, and they learned how to cope with mistakes and move on, repair the damage and continue to advance. So many of their peers had no clue how to cope in college as they never had to live with a mistake before.

I have taken my lunch break to deliver a forgotten project (for a $10 fee) and both girls forgot things only once, or they just adapted and figured how to repair the damage of a late grade on a project.

 

[Colleen27]

Well, I am a big believer in natural consequences, so my kids have been learning personal responsibility since they were very young.

That being said, I do go out of my way to help them when they need help. If they forget something at home, and I am in a position to bring it to them, I do. I would hope that someone who loved me would be kind to me if I made a mistake.

Now if forgetting things was a regular occurrence, I would feel differently. But for the most part my kids are pretty responsible (14 & 15). They have plenty of opportunity to do it right, and most of the time they do. For the few times they make a mistake, I am happy to help.

This has been our approach as well. I can count on my fingers the number of times one of the kids has called about a forgotten lunch, gym clothes, a paper they left on the printer, etc. and they're in 8th and 10th grades. If I'm not home they do without but if I'm available I'll happily help. That's what family does. If it was a pattern I'd likely have developed some different rules but when it happens once or twice a year between the two of them (I don't count the youngest - she's 6, I still check her backpack in the morning) I just don't see a need to make it a discipline/teaching issue.

 

[sk!mom]

I don't recall starting at any specified point--it's kind of been a continuum, ya know?

The amount of things I expect them to be responsible for grows as they do.

And, if there is not an ongoing habit or problem, and it is doable for me to "save" them once in a blue moon, I do not have any "zero tolerance" policy and even DH and I help each other out sometimes

This, said perfectly.

In a family you help one another out when you can. Heck, DH brought me my forgotten lunch on Monday. If a child was routinely irresponsible in an area, we worked on it.

 

[Jedana]

As previous posters have said, I think it's been a continuum. We have had the finish-what-you-start rule since they were old enough to be in activities (3 years old?)

When my son was 6, he broke his Nintendo DS in anger/frustration (he lost the game he was playing). We made him earn and save the money to buy a new one and it took him almost a year. Both grandparents wanted to buy him a new one as a gift, and we wouldn't allow it. Mean, mean... but I think it did have a lasting effect. He's been much more careful with his valuable items since then.

I also aim for natural consequences but I have my limits. Some examples:
-- If you forget your umbrella and have to walk home in the rain, so be it. However, if you lose your coat and would be walking home in frostbite-inducing cold, call me. I won't let that happen if I can help it. (As it turned out, another girl in the class had the same coat. The other girl left early for an appointment and accidentally took my daughter's coat. The girl's own coat was in her backpack, but they did not find it till later that evening, which left my daughter with no coat at the end of the day.)
-- If forgetting your lunch means that you have to eat whatever the cafeteria is serving even if you don't like it, so be it. If it means you'll go hungry, I'll get your lunch to you if I can.
-- If you didn't do your homework, don't expect me to offer much sympathy. If you did your report, but left your visual aid on the counter because something unexpected happened that morning, I'll bring it to you if I can.

(As another parent pointed out -- the "if I can" truly meant "if I can." There were some times, depending on where I was working, that I truly couldn't run something forgotten up to the school... but in the instances of lunch money, etc. I always made *something* work out to where they wouldn't go hungry.)

I think there's a fine (blurry) line between teaching personal responsibility and modeling compassion and helpfulness. Everyone screws up sometimes, and it's important to know that you have a partner/family/support system that's "got your back" when you need it... but when you start expecting someone else to fix all the problems for you, it would become a problem.

I'm with on these all the way.

There were a couple of days last year when DS (4th grade last year) had to ride his bike home in the rain without his rain jacket. It was a warm rain with fat raindrops both times it happened, so I just let him suffer the consequences of not putting his rain jacket in his backpack in the morning.

This year, he's learning some hard lessons about not bringing home his homework. His teachers have come up with a reward strategy--if you get an E or S+ in behavior and have completed all your work Mon-Fri am, you get "Friday Club". 45 minutes at the end of the school day on Friday to do whatever---play board games, bring in your DS and hook up with your buddies, read, watch a video, etc----Plus they get snacks. He's lost it 3 times this year for no homework, and in addition to losing the club, he has to write a letter home telling us why he didn't get to play (in a real letter, with proper headings and everything) and we have to sign it. The first time, he got a pass at home. The 2nd and 3rd, he spent the weekend without any electronic entertainment. Hopefully he learned his lesson.

My now grown daughters could spend a certain $ amount each month for lunch (going to fast food or whatever--high school) and when that was gone, they had to brown bag it for the month. (Usually averaged to $5 a day for lunch each, but sometimes it was more or less, depending on finances). They had days when they had to bum lunch off of someone, because they were too lazy to get out of bed or take a shorter shower to make their lunch. The first couple times, I would take up lunch. After that, it's on them.

 

[Happy Snowman]

When that evolves into college, or a job, will you still be bringing in the forgotten whatever?

I've managed to raise two highly successful, compassionate, responsible, independent young women. Responsibility was given to them both at a very early age, and they learned how to cope with mistakes and move on, repair the damage and continue to advance. So many of their peers had no clue how to cope in college as they never had to live with a mistake before.

I have taken my lunch break to deliver a forgotten project (for a $10 fee) and both girls forgot things only once, or they just adapted and figured how to repair the damage of a late grade on a project.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

When that evolves into college, or a job, will you still be bringing in the forgotten whatever?

I've managed to raise two highly successful, compassionate, responsible, independent young women. Responsibility was given to them both at a very early age, and they learned how to cope with mistakes and move on, repair the damage and continue to advance. So many of their peers had no clue how to cope in college as they never had to live with a mistake before.

I have taken my lunch break to deliver a forgotten project (for a $10 fee) and both girls forgot things only once, or they just adapted and figured how to repair the damage of a late grade on a project.

Oh please just because I bring things in a couple of times a year I'm going to be taking care of them the rest of their lives? Fact is I have a son in college who is very responsible, as are the other boys. Sorryvyoubdisagree but we're doing just fine raising our kids just because I'm willing to help them doesn't make me a bad parent or them lazy bums.

 

[mom2rtk]

Oh please just because I bring things in a couple of times a year I'm going to be taking care of them the rest of their lives? Fact is I have a son in college who is very responsible, as are the other boys. Sorryvyoubdisagree but we're doing just fine raising our kids just because I'm willing to help them doesn't make me a bad parent or them lazy bums.

There's a lot of real estate between never helping and being a helicopter parent. My mom would have never stepped in. I find it very gratifying to be able to do that for my kids. If it became a habit, we would address it.

 

[gwynne]

There's a lot of real estate between never helping and being a helicopter parent. My mom would have never stepped in. I find it very gratifying to be able to do that for my kids. If it became a habit, we would address it.

This.

 

[Southernmiss]

There's a lot of real estate between never helping and being a helicopter parent. My mom would have never stepped in. I find it very gratifying to be able to do that for my kids. If it became a habit, we would address it.

Plus 2. Not too long ago ds15 remembered as we arrived at his school that he'd forgotten his baritone. He'd had a whirlwind of a weekend with activities. I went home and brought it to the bandhall for him and was glad i had time to do so.

Don't we all have times when we need a hand?

BTW my kids start packing their own lunch in kindergarten. So personal responsibility starts early, but there are occasionally exceptions and I'm glad to help.

 

[luvsJack]

When that evolves into college, or a job, will you still be bringing in the forgotten whatever?

I've managed to raise two highly successful, compassionate, responsible, independent young women. Responsibility was given to them both at a very early age, and they learned how to cope with mistakes and move on, repair the damage and continue to advance. So many of their peers had no clue how to cope in college as they never had to live with a mistake before.

I have taken my lunch break to deliver a forgotten project (for a $10 fee) and both girls forgot things only once, or they just adapted and figured how to repair the damage of a late grade on a project.

And I have never refused to take dd a forgotten item and yet she has actually called me twice . She is a junior.

Each of my sons may have called one time each.

And I would have never charged my kids for doing something that I consider part of being a parent.

Just because someone doesnt do it your way doesnt mean their kids will be depending on them forever.

 

[Colleen27]

When that evolves into college, or a job, will you still be bringing in the forgotten whatever?

You know what - I just might, assuming it is still a rare occurrence. To me that's just what family does and unless forgetfulness or laziness is becoming a pattern there's nothing wrong with helping each other once in a while.

And in our family it goes both ways - my daughter, who at 13 handles the whole morning routine for herself and DD6 twice a week because I have to leave for school an hour before them, e-mailed me a file I was working on yesterday because I left my flash drive at home in my own computer and needed it for a class. DH is working out of town and after one really crazy weekend this summer he forgot his bag when he left on Monday; it is about a 2.5 hour drive but we took him his suitcase so he didn't have to go out after work to get clothes to get through the trip, and we made a nice little day trip out of it. It is always subject to someone being available to help - I couldn't have taken DH that bag during the school year, and if I hadn't realized I forgot my flash drive until after the girls had left for school I'd have been out of luck - but I see no reason to refuse to help once in a while just to make a point.

 

[NewRVLady]

This year, he's learning some hard lessons about not bringing home his homework. His teachers have come up with a reward strategy--if you get an E or S+ in behavior and have completed all your work Mon-Fri am, you get "Friday Club". 45 minutes at the end of the school day on Friday to do whatever---play board games, bring in your DS and hook up with your buddies, read, watch a video, etc----Plus they get snacks. He's lost it 3 times this year for no homework, and in addition to losing the club, he has to write a letter home telling us why he didn't get to play (in a real letter, with proper headings and everything) and we have to sign it. The first time, he got a pass at home. The 2nd and 3rd, he spent the weekend without any electronic entertainment. Hopefully he learned his lesson.

My now grown daughters could spend a certain $ amount each month for lunch (going to fast food or whatever--high school) and when that was gone, they had to brown bag it for the month. (Usually averaged to $5 a day for lunch each, but sometimes it was more or less, depending on finances). They had days when they had to bum lunch off of someone, because they were too lazy to get out of bed or take a shorter shower to make their lunch. The first couple times, I would take up lunch. After that, it's on them.

Really?
WHAT CLASS INSTRUCTION ARE THEY MISSING FOR THIS?
And what do the "bad" kids have to do during this time?

 

[Arkansan]

We all forget things from time to time. I've helped my children and DH before, but rarely do they need it. I prefer to teach preparedness. For example, my children do not like the school hot lunch. However, they always have either a small amount of money in their school lunch account or a $5 bill hidden in their backpacks. That way, I don't have to bring their lunch to them, but they won't starve. I hope that, as adults, they will remember that lesson and keep a small amount of money in their desk or work bag so if they lose their ATM card or forget their lunch or purse they could solve their problem. (Incedently, 2/3 of my children didn't use the emergency $5 last year.)

I once spent almost $70 to overnight my DH his cell phone when he forgot it. He was leaving for a business trip and was charging it for just a few more minutes, but using an different place than usual. He realized that he forgot it while still at the airport, but there wasn't time for me to get it to him and for him to go through security again, etc. so I Fed-exed it to him. He had never done it before and hasn't done it since. Stuff happens and, selfishly, I wanted to be able to talk to him while he was gone. It was an expensive win/win. He has had lots of success with his career despite my helping him that one time.

 

[Jedana]

Really?
WHAT CLASS INSTRUCTION ARE THEY MISSING FOR THIS?
And what do the "bad" kids have to do during this time?

The "bad" kids are doing the work that they failed to do during the week. Once that work is done, along with the letter home, they can join their classmates. if it's for behavior, they have to come up with a plan to improve their behavior, and write it down, along with the letter.

No class instruction is being missed. The teachers are given an hour once a week (at this school) to use as they see fit, on whatever day works best for them. Some teachers teach, others use it as recess or fun time. Honestly, since they only get one 20 minute recess a day, and 20 minutes for lunch (which is spent entirely in the lunch room), I am happy with the fun time on Fridays.

Get over it

 

[NHdisneylover]

There's a lot of real estate between never helping and being a helicopter parent. My mom would have never stepped in. I find it very gratifying to be able to do that for my kids. If it became a habit, we would address it.

 

[laughinplace199]

We still haven't and he's 24. He's only going to be young once so why rush it? We still insist he use a stroller when we go to Disney (he's a petite 24). He can be a grown up when we're gone.

 

[bdcp]

Well, since mine are 28 and 30, I have some experience in this. We treated responsibility and freedom the same way, gradually they were given both.

By 3rd grade, I no longer put their lunch together. They did and they knew they couldn't take 2 desserts or two bags of chips, whatever. If they wanted to buy (allowed once per week), they let me know since until youngest DS was a Jr in HS, they didn't have "accounts" for the cafeteria. If they forgot something, I would bring it to them. It happened a few times over the years and we saw it as being family and supporting each other. I was a SAHM til they were 6th and 8th grade and even when I worked, I was available if they needed me, which was rarely. I think maybe I took them something maybe 4-5 times the entire time they were in school. Even in college we only picked them each up once or twice outside of regular scheduled breaks (before they had a car at school 3rd and 4th year) for something or brought them things they needed. DS lost his new cell phone his third year at college. I didn't buy him a new one, but sent him an old one we had that he used til he graduated. He was grateful for that. There are a few other examples, but over the course of their college time, they were few and far between because they were responsible for themselves.

Youngest DS is married and oldest DS is not but owns his own home. Neither has financial problems and both have been employed full time since college and they only ask us for something/help if they really need it.

We are family and the reality is they learn responsibility by our example, not by us "teaching them a lesson". I find it hard to believe that some parents feel the need to let their child suffer over something as simple as a forgotten lunch or homework assignment left at home.

We said we would never bail them out of jail (LOL) but they never got close to that. We gave them ground rules and they knew what happened if they didn't follow them. The issue I see today with kids is that they're not responsible because their parents bail them out of consequences outside the family such as personal behavior at school. That's entirely different than doing them a favor by bringing them something they forgot as long as they don't abuse it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Thanks for the parenting tips but I managed to raise mine as wonderful, compassionate and successful human beings.

So did my parents, but they still managed to teach me personal responsibility by not dropping everything and running every time I forgot something.

 

[pigletgirl]

I can't imagine let my child go without lunch at 6 or 13 purposely. Absolutely cruel and unnecessary punishment in my opinion even though they won't starve. We are their parents to help them and catch them when they fall not constantly "teach them a lesson".

As a parent how can you say "that's not my problem"?

Because at some point, personal responsibility needs to come into play. By the time I was 6 years old, I had an established chore list. If I did not complete that, there were consequences. If I forgot a school project, I had to first talk to the teacher and then speak to my parents. They didn't always bring it to the school. Both worked full time jobs.

Also, there was food available if we didn't have a sack lunch or money in our lunch account. I'm sure it was something similar to the OP.

We all make mistakes in life. It just makes it a bit less painful when you can learn it at a younger age. YMMV.