Parents Who Don't Parent

[tigger_68]

So am I the only one who is irritated by parents who don't parent ?

Kids running around in the mall or at Disney or in a restaurant.

Parents do NOTHING to stop them.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not any sort of old grump, I understand kids are balls of energy and especially at a theme park or other kid oriented place that you are going to have some playing and such.

But I am talking parents who do nothing to stop the kids at all.

And then they wonder why they grow up to be defiant teens....

 

[I Love Pluto]

I couldn't have said it better! Yes, I agree!

 

[noodleknitter]

No arguments. Kids need boundaries. Not giving them is an offense to them and to others. Parents were not meant to be buddies, and giving brats cute names like "indigo children" only makes the situation worse. How many kids would not "need" medicated if their folks did their job?

 

[Ava83]

If you had posted this a few weeks ago I may have scratched my head and wondered about it-but in the past two weeks I have had people comment on my parenting (nice things) So maybe it is getting crazy? Now I also believe in letting a kid be a kid Ava is chatty and sings while shopping or for example and I allow that its who my child is-but I make Ava say excuse me and sorry if she walks by someone or gets in the way. Indoor voice for places that require it and keep her little hand in mine when she shouldn't be running around I think its so important to make your child aware of others and the enviroment they are in and adjust their actions to suit the place you are at.
I think that maybe some parents may forget that we have to teach our children everything.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Yes it drives me nuts. And to make it worse DH's ex is a non-parenting parent, so when we have DD and DS it makes for some interesting times. I love them to death, but our rules and the rules at their mom's house are quite different. And now that they have entered the teenage years, it is presenting some additional problems.

 

[perdidobay]

No arguments. Kids need boundaries. Not giving them is an offense to them and to others. Parents were not meant to be buddies, and giving brats cute names like "indigo children" only makes the situation worse. How many kids would not "need" medicated if their folks did their job?

I couldn't have said it better!

 

[Christine]

How many kids would not "need" medicated if their folks did their job?

I agree with the fact that parents DO need to parent. Parents have gotten so lax. But this statement above is wrong on so many levels and for people who do need this medication for legitimate reasons (like my 56 year old co-worker) that attitude is a slap in the face.

 

[perdidobay]

I agree with the fact that parents DO need to parent. Parents have gotten so lax. But this statement above is wrong on so many levels and for people who do need this medication for legitimate reasons (like my 56 year old co-worker) that attitude is a slap in the face.

Legitimate is the key word here.....

noodleknitter did not imply that all kids do not need meds.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

Sometimes I feel like the only parent "being mean". Yesterday evening DH had to carry his car to Wal-Mart (I know, I know ) but he noticed one of his tires had a bubble in it. WM was the closest auto shop close to the school. So there they sit in WM and DD10 had to go to the bathroom. Now the rule is, she is NOT allowed to walk out of our sight in any store. DH was sitting where he could see the bathroom, so he told DD to go ahead. Well....she came out of the bathroom and preceeded to start browsing the isles. DH lost sight of her and had to leave her backpack and homework she was working on, plus a few things they'd purchased to go hunt her down. Needless to say she got grounded from TV. When asked why she did that, her answer: "Well there was this voice telling me to do it and this other voice telling me not to, but it was hard to not to listen to the bad voice and I couldn't resist ". Ok, honestly, this is what I was doing on the inside But I held that in and grounded her, reminding her that being out of our sight is dangerous and we worry about her safety. But...all that to say this, she has friends who just get dropped off to wander the stores and who stay home alone after school. I just don't get it. I don't care if she does seem big enough to take care of herself, responsible parenting is knowing that she isn't.

 

[Christine]

Legitimate is the key word here.....

noodleknitter did not imply that all kids do not need meds.

I didn't think she meant *all* kids. But that statement smacked of a broad-brush generalization that I've heard a million times about ADHD kids. I do believe that probably a small percentage are kids areon them unnecessarily. It may have beeen a bigger percentage in the past, but in my experience, the psychiatrists and neurologists who diagnose these disorders today are very good at weeding out true ADHD from being badly "parented." There has been a very broad generalization over the years that people (parents and teachers) just throw Ritalin at kids who don't behave. While I agree that this probably does happen, I don't think that it is the norm.

I do think that there are many people who have had no experience with ADHD and truly believe that it doesn't exist and that the kids are just misbehaved. That statement reeked of that mentality to me. Sorry if I read it wrong.

 

[TerriP]

Our very close friends have two children ages four and two. DH and I are so saddened that we've had to drastically reduce the amount of time we spend with them due to their "non-parenting" style. Their children are already completely out of control.

For instance, we went to dinner with them last Friday night (the first time in months). We were going to a new restaurant that they picked and I casually asked if the kids were going...oh yes, Mom had been at work that day and had missed them so she didn't want to ask Grandma to keep them. Well, very long and emabarassing story short, the kids hated the food and were bored stiff, so they decided to race around the table and then thru the legs of all the chairs we were sitting in. Then they decided to go out into the restaurants entry way and scream while they ran in circles.

DH & I were so embarassed and their parents said nothing. It's like they have these blinders on and just don't see/hear what their children are doing. DH & I constantly struggle with keeping our mouths shut and not getting involved. DH says we should say something to them...I say it's none of our business and we should only speak up if someone is going to get hurt.

Not trying to thread-jack, but, this raises a question...do you tell someone you know/love that their kids need more attention/discipline/structure? Or, do you just stay out of it?

 

[perdidobay]

I personally believe ADHD does exist, but I know personally of many parents who don't want to be a parent, throw up their hands and tell their family Physician what a handful their kid is. then the GP puts them on meds (kids never seeing a neurologist or psychiatrist).
That seems like a form of child abuse to me...drugging kids out who don't need it.
On the other hand, for kids who do need the meds, it's a lifesaver!

 

[perdidobay]

Our very close friends have two children ages four and two. DH and I are so saddened that we've had to drastically reduce the amount of time we spend with them due to their "non-parenting" style. Their children are already completely out of control.

For instance, we went to dinner with them last Friday night (the first time in months). We were going to a new restaurant that they picked and I casually asked if the kids were going...oh yes, Mom had been at work that day and had missed them so she didn't want to ask Grandma to keep them. Well, very long and emabarassing story short, the kids hated the food and were bored stiff, so they decided to race around the table and then thru the legs of all the chairs we were sitting in. Then they decided to go out into the restaurants entry way and scream while they ran in circles.

DH & I were so embarassed and their parents said nothing. It's like they have these blinders on and just don't see/hear what their children are doing. DH & I constantly struggle with keeping our mouths shut and not getting involved. DH says we should say something to them...I say it's none of our business and we should only speak up if someone is going to get hurt.

Not trying to thread-jack, but, this raises a question...do you tell someone you know/love that their kids need more attention/discipline/structure? Or, do you just stay out of it?

I think I would be tempted to tell the friends next time they wanted to go out to eat with you, that you can no longer go if it means eating with their children, and explain why. But it may mean they will no longer speak to you!

 

[puffkin]

My SIL is not very good at "parenting". She just doesn't notice things and on the few occassions she does try to discipline, the kids just ignore her because they are empty threats. She is a good mom, provides for her kids, takes them fun places (within her budget) and loves her children, but she doesn't do any discipline. Her oldest daughter has matured enough that she really isn't a problem anymore (but she also isn't a teenager yet) but the youngest could use some discipline. They aren't bad kids at all, and it isn't really their faults, they just weren't taught very well. I think they could be in for some interesting teenage years though!

 

[kelleigh1]

I agree...although some people think I'm not allowed to have an opinion because I don't have kids yet. Um, first, I was a kid; second, I helped to raise my niece and nephew when they were younger and third, I have eyes and ears.

Anyway...hubby and I have season tickets to our local minor league baseball team and I can't tell you the number of times we see kids running wild and/or totally unsupervised. They come running down the stairs to the front row and give no thought to the people around them while they scream at the ballplayers to give them a ball or an autograph and meanwhile the parents are sitting on the other side of the stadium with not a clue as to what their kids are doing.

My husband and I have both commented that the place is a prime target for pedophiles and/or kidnappers because the parents just aren't paying attention. And while there are plenty of other adults around, we don't know who these kids belong with so if someone walked off with them, we wouldn't know if they were the parent or not.

Oh, and it doesn't get better when they get older either. While on vacation a few weeks back, I had the pleasure of listening while our 16-year-old niece screamed and swore at her mother (hubby's step-sister) over God only knows what. This girl has absolutely no respect for her mother and that's because she wasn't parented when she was younger so it's too late now...and because she watched her father treat her mother like a doormat so she thinks she can do the same thing.

If you let them run wild as kids, they're only going to continue to do so as they get older. You can't wait until their a certain age to discipline them. You have to teach them right from wrong from the time they are babies.

 

[4greatboys]

Im very irritated by parents who let their kids do whatever they want. My 6 yr old plays football this year (flag) and every practice is disrupted but atleast 2 kids who dont listen, dont respect others (kids, coaches or parent). Makes me madder than heck to see their parents just sitting there while the coaches have to tell them time and time again not to pull on ppls clothes, to pay attn, not to fight with others, etc.

That part of parenting isnt fun. I felt bad many times grounding the kids or taking away priviledges. You want your kids to be happy and I know I have to fight the urge often to not be the parent running to their rescue all the time. But they have to learn actions have consquences.

 

[Ava83]

throw up their hands and tell their family Physician what a handful their kid is.

You know DD4 is a handful (that is why we have waited so long before even thinking of another) But the only thing DH and I have ever thought is that WE need to be the ones to teach her the proper way to behave. We are the ones that need to raise her and make her a decent human...no one else.

ADD and ADHD are serious issues for some children and I am not discounting that at all..I am speaking to the children that have not been corrected by parents. IMO I think that parents of children with ADD and ADHD are far greater parents then I think I could be. They have such a special set of challeges.

 

[EthansMom]

People who don't parent their kids is one of my biggest pet peeves.

 

[ohiominnie]

I personally believe ADHD does exist, but I know personally of many parents who don't want to be a parent, throw up their hands and tell their family Physician what a handful their kid is. then the GP puts them on meds (kids never seeing a neurologist or psychiatrist).
That seems like a form of child abuse to me...drugging kids out who don't need it.
On the other hand, for kids who do need the meds, it's a lifesaver!

Just chiming in here b/c we just discussed this at length this last weekend with my mom who is a former kdg teacher.

So you know some background too....our son is ADD and without his medication he is unable to concentrate on his school work for more than a couple of minutes and he lacks some impulse control---if he thinks it, he does it, even if it's not safe. He has been raised in a pretty structured home with limits and boundaries so it's not like we've let him run wild. He also is a very sweet, tenderhearted boy, and for him do something mean just because he thought it really frustrating for him. If you ask why he did it he has absolutely no idea other than "I thought I'd see what would happen if....."

Anyway....the medications ARE a vital part of his education and upbringing. STudies show that kids who have untreated ADD are MUCH more likely to get involved in drugs, smoking, and high risk behaviors. Adults with untreated ADD are MUCH more likely to divorce.

I'm not going to go into the pathophysiology of how these drugs work, but keep in mind that these kids need them just to function NORMALLY......if you gave these to a kid who did not have the chemical imbalance in their brain, it actually causes them to get a high (like they are on speed).....THAT is why these are CONTROLLED substances....b/c if "normal" ppl take them they get a high. The kids who NEED them do not get that high b/c you are just getting their levels back up to "normal."

I suspect that some kids are on them who truly don't need to be, but maybe not as many as we all think.....

Just hypothesizing (sp?) here but I wonder how many criminals have untreated ADD.....and lack the impulse control to think out their actions before they do them.




btw, I get compliments on a regular basis about how well behaved and respectful my kids are. Just about a week ago an elderly lady at the eye doctor came up to me and thanked me for doing such a good job with the kids. she said most of the kids she encounters are wild and out of control and she appreciated that my kids could sit quietly and entertain themselves while waiting to see the doctor (and it was long wait....over an hour!)

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I just wonder what society will be like in 25 years. I think we should be afraid, very afraid!