Parents - what have you done with older (4) children who bite?

[JESW]

Our nephew, who will be turning 5 in July, is now a biter. We don't see him very often, but when we got together in April he bit DS9 when he thought DS was tattling on him. (It was quite a bite too! Redness, mouth & teeth imprints on DS' arm that lasted over a week)

Lots going on in the little guys life...parents divorced...father resently divorced again..he splits time between homes..he doesn't like play dates and thinks the other kids are always telling on him..he's worried about kindergarten in the fall as it will be 5 days and he tells his mom he will just walk home because he'll miss her..etc.

SIL is not sure what to do as he's bitten her a couple times lately.

Any advice???

Jill

 

[torismom]

As horribble as this sounds, I would bite him back.

As far as the other issues counseling would help.

I hope everything works out.

 

[soccerchick]

I will get flamed for this, but oh well....it worked well for me.

When my daughter was 2.5 she bit a kid at summer camp. I took her in the hall and explained how mean that was, how much it hurt Brian, yadda yadda, and asked her where she wanted me to bite her. She picked her back and I bit her. She was shocked and did not bite again until her baby brother was born almost 2 years later. She bit me so hard I could have done a dental mold from my arm. I asked her where she wanted me to bite her and she gave me her hand. I'm not talking about leaving teeth imprints, etc. here, but doing it hard enough so she knew it hurt. DS is now 9 months old and there has not been a second biting.


Putting on flame retardant suit now...flame away...

 

[issa]

no flames here

2.5 my DD did the same...walked up behind me and bit my sholder so hard I couldn't see. god it hurts!!

I got up..walked away without reaction ( barely lol) and after i tended to the bite ..walked back to her and told her how much it hurted not only my body but my feelings and asked her how much she thought it hurt....she held up her fingers about 1 inch apart.
I said ok, asked for her arm and bit it. Then I asked her again how much it hurt...her arms spread WIDE open...she never bit again

 

[oogieboogie]

I did the same thing with both DSs. They too were biters when they were in the terrible twos.

When they bit, I bit them back and that was it... one bite and they never did it again.

When they're that young, they don't realize that biting hurts. Once they find out that it does hurt... they don't do it again.

 

[mickeyboat]

My DD was a biter too. I had a really tough time with her at day care. I think young children bite because they are feeling very strong emotions and they don't have the vocabulary and knowledge how to express them. They also don't know how much it hurts. Sometimes biting them back can solve the problem. It didn't with my DD. As much as we tried, we had to wait for her to grow out of it. She no longer bites (at 3 1/2).

A 5 year old is a completely different story. He is old enough to know that biting hurts and old enough to know how to express his emotions with words. But maybe he can't express what he is feeling about all the family turmoil he is feeling right now. Biting may be how he is expressing it - especially seeing that he is biting his mother, not just playmates while fighting over a toy.

I think your nephew's mother needs to sit down with him and help him work through some of his anxiety - about his life at his homes and his upcoming transition to kindergarten. Does he attend day care now? Maybe he can go to a kindergarten class to visit this Spring to see what it will be like.

Good luck to your SIL.

Denae

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

IMO, the only way to stop a biter is to bite back.

 

[Simba's Mom]

Somehow, this is what worked for me when DS bit me when he was little. I just pinched his nose shut so he couldn't breathe through his nose. He had to breath through his mouth, and I guess he couldn't use his mouth for 2 things at the same time-breathing and biting. I think it only took a couple times where he tried to bite and I squeezed his nose shut where he equated biting with not being able to breathe, I guess, but it stopped him and he never did it again. Maybe we just got lucky, I don't know!

 

[piglet too]

My first advice would be talking to the boys doctor and getting a recomandation for a good counselor.

When my oldest DS bit, he was quite a bit younger, he almost got kicked out of daycare because it was so bad. What we did (and no flaming please) was to flick his cheek whenhe did it. It worked for us and was different than the "we don't bite but I am going to bite you", as that just made him bite more.

 

[whirlsy]

Biting worked for us also, they need to feel the kind of pain they are putting others through to understand what they are doing wrong. Flame away.

 

[shortbun]

Here are the flames you requested. Biting a biter, hitting a
hitter and so forth is just plain lazy. Parent how you like but
it might come back to bite YOU!

 

[Sleepy]

Originally posted by shortbun
Here are the flames you requested. Biting a biter, hitting a
hitter and so forth is just plain lazy. Parent how you like but
it might come back to bite YOU!

How is it being lazy? Have you ever had someone repeatedly bite you? I sure have and the only way my mom could get my brother to stop was for me to bite back. As far as the come back to bite you thing comment. Well, my son developed the taste for flesh when he was 4. I first tried as my mother had with my brother by using talks, spankings and time outs. When those did not work and I got tired of being bitten, I bit back. Ahhh....worked like a charm.

 

[oogieboogie]

Originally posted by shortbun
Here are the flames you requested. Biting a biter, hitting a
hitter and so forth is just plain lazy. Parent how you like but
it might come back to bite YOU!

I disagree. It is not plain lazy when you've tried timeouts, talking, grounding, etc. I do not want to bite my DSs, but after trying out several non-violent methods that didn't work, biting back was my last option. I bite just enough for them to know it hurts. I do not bite them to draw blood or make bruises.

 

[issa]

i dont agree that its lazy,

I think the only time my daughter was ever spanked was when she was 2 and she ran out towards the street...it was a scared mom kinda swat..but becuase she was never ever spanked it had impact. I dont use spanking or the like for raising my children, but with the biting, I just dont think she knew how bad it reallly hurt.

Even at the age of 2 I taught her to get a handle on emotions and learn to express them. I always made time to help her...and this sounds corny i know but even taught her to place her thumb and fore finger together and "breath" slowly....Innnnn...and ouuuttttt... until she could regain control to talk, and once she would start to break down..breath again, today she is 8 and has and has a wonderful, expressive personality and as a family we still take time and listen to each other and our thoughts and feelings.

Biting a biter once does not mean that you must / do use phsyical punishments as a main method of child rearing

 

[melk]

I can't remember how old my nephew was when he was biting others but I remember they cut a lemon in half and made him bite into it as hard as he could. He hated that and although he would still bite occasionally if they saw him about to bite they could intercede with "I'll get the lemon if you bite him/her" and that would stop him dead in his tracks.

Jill,
Have you settled back into reality yet after your trip?

 

[soccerchick]

Not my proudest parenting strategy, but it worked. It definitely wasn't lazy and as a high school teacher, I see the results of "lazy" parenting all the time. I do not parent like that. I do like the lemon idea and if DS bites, I will try that route first. You can talk, talk,talk to a two year old until you are blue in the face, but face it, as much as we'd like to think so, they really can't be reasoned with in order to change a behavior. I alos know plentoy of other parents who have tried all the other strategies and the biting did finally stop after one bite back.

 

[Lewski709]

Last time my son bit was age 4 (just turned 4). Another kid was trying to take a ball from him.

I took him to the store and let him pick out any kind of treat. He picked out a M&M Brownie. He walked out and my DH couldn't believe his . When we got in the vehicle, I told him he was taking that to Jordan tomorrow for biting him. He was devastated, he thought HE was getting that treat. He also missed playing in his t-ball game that evening. He never bit again.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

Ohhhhhh... how I hate that "don't bite a biter" and "don't spank a hitter" argument.

If all the rules were the same for parent and child, then toddlers can cook and adults can mess their pants. Reality check!

Personally I think the lazy parents are the ones who seek counseling for a biter. IMO these are the ones that are scared to tell their children "NO" and make it stick.

 

[Kermit]

I've heard of people rinsing children's mouths out with vinegar for biting (and for using bad language). It's not dangerous like soap, and it's really nasty tasting.

With a 4 year old, I think I might lean toward something else, though, like a punishment or loss of a privilage. It would be really big, since biting is highly inappropriate for a child that old. The specifics would depend on the child, since it would have to be something that was just devistating for him, whether it was no TV for a week, no friends over, or whatever.

 

[WhenUwishUponAstar]

I can't remember how old my nephew was when he was biting others but I remember they cut a lemon in half and made him bite into it as hard as he could. He hated that and although he would still bite occasionally if they saw him about to bite they could intercede with "I'll get the lemon if you bite him/her" and that would stop him dead in his tracks

lol that would encourage my son to bite he loves lemons, drives me nuts! I don't let him eat them much cuz the acid is bad for your teeth but if I get one on a glass of tea he will snatch it.


I bit him back when he was about 2.5 he was shocked and said owe that hurt mommie, and I said exactly! He is almost 6 and to my knowledge he hasn't bitten anyone since.