Parents of teens - what are your rules?

cats7494 · Apr 6, 2010

Ok, my dear DIS friends - time to share your rules for your teenagers!
My daughter is 16 and apparently I am "soooooooooooooooooo strict"!

lol

So now, I am really curious about where I really stand on the "strict - lax" continuum.

What are your household rules for:

Grades
Driving
Cell Phone/texting
Computer/Social networking sites
Extra Curricular activities
Dating
Curfews

And any other topic you see fit to share about... :goodvibes

mjkacmom · Apr 6, 2010

Dd is only 13.5, so a lot of those are non-issues. She has a laptop in her room, a cellphone with unlimited text (that she shuts off at 9 pm and during school hours - the problem is she forgets to turn it on!), she's always been a straight A student, and is always on top of her work, she can walk anywhere around town after school and on weekends, needs to be home by 11 on weekends (they just hang at each others homes), and hasn't asked to date.

So far, she hasn't given me a single reason not to trust her (and I friends with her bff's mom, and her bff tells her mom everything).

SC Minnie · Apr 6, 2010

I have a 15yo.

Grades-- they have to be what you are capable of doing. If you try your hardest and C's are the best then so be it but ask for help but if you are capable of A's you better get A's or ask for help.
Driving-- DD just got her license in Feb. Right now no friends are allowed in the car with her for 6 months unless DH or I am riding too. She says this is soooooo not fair. :sad2:

Cell Phone/texting-- she has the privilege of a cell phone a texting but the parents can look at who she is calling and texting whenever we feel there is a reason (haven't had to do that yet though). Also, if she is told to stop texting it must be put away. And not cell phone use AT ALL while driving or those privileges cease
Computer-- she has our old computer in her room with internest access. Again we can look at where she has been going whenever we feel the need. She had a MySpace page until I found on a random check. It was deleted. She does have a Facebook page but had to add me as a friend
Extra Curricular Activities-- she can do whatever she wants as long as grades don't suffer
Dating-- not until she's 16
Curfews-- haven't really had an issue with this. Since most of her friends can't drive past 8pm a parent has to bring her home which cuts down on the late evenings. When she is old enough to drive later a curfew will be 9 on weeknights (unless grades suffer) and 11 on weekends.

eeyoremum · Apr 6, 2010

Grade/Driving - B average or you don't drive our cars or we won't be having his name on insurance - We are in Ontario so have graduated licensing meaning he won't drive alone for at least a year

Cell Phone - don't own any, don't see any need for them. (no flames please, everyone does what they feel is best)

Computer - He is in school and taking online courses to finish highschool early so the computer is in use lots. It also sits in my livingroom where all can see.

Extras - He is a Sgt in the Royal Canadian Air Cadets so he is busy 4 nights a week and on Saturday mornings.

Dating - See above. Also cadets can't date each other so no worries. Plus, girls cost too much money according to him.

Curfew - Weeknights 10pm (if not at a cadet event) Weekends Midnight

Should say he just turned 16. Of course he can't do any of the above until all homework and chores are done.

SydSim · Apr 6, 2010

DD-13

Grades - I'd rather not see C's (because I know she's capable of better - just a little lazy sometimes). When we see C's, decrease in tv time (which is usually the culprit for decline in grades for her)

Cell/texting - allowed 400/month (although we have unlimited, but she doesn't know that

Don't care to see someone texting non-stop) I check her texts in front of her, and behind her back.

Computer - Uses household computer - has e-mail (rarely uses, so no restrictions). No social networks yet - maybe next year in high school. No complaints from her, yet.

EC's - drama, band, NJHS. Take up very little of her time

Dating - not until 16. May be allowed calls from boys when she's 15.

Curfew - allowed out in the development until the street lights come on. Doesn't visit other houses during the week - curfew on weekends is event dependent.

We haven't had the "you're so strict" whine yet

blanq · Apr 6, 2010

I have a 16 y.o. son. Rules in our household:

Grades: DS is capable of getting good grades. He doesn't. He gets good grades on assignments when he chooses to do them and on tests when he choose to study. He often chooses not to do those things and has a 2.3 GPA to prove it. It has been the number one frustration in our household over the years that has lead to lots of tears, frustration and consequences. He is now a Junior and has to live with the consequences of his inaction so DH and I are kind of pulling away here. We have tried tutors, consequences, new routines, you name it.

Driving: DH and I will not allow DS to get his license and put him on our insurance unless he has a 3.0 GPA, which, as stated above, he does not. He has the option of getting his license and paying the difference in insurance premiums, but he does not have a job. So, for now, he is turning into an expert driver on his permit, driving only with me or DH in the car. I do allow DS to ride with other young driver's, but we have established rules/expectations about that.

Cell Phone/Texting: DS has no cell phone at this point. If he is out with friends, DH or I let him use ours. We have no texting on our plan.

Computer/Social Networking Sites: DS has his own laptop. He has his own I-Touch. He uses his computer in public areas of our home. He cannot take either device into his bedroom at night. The I-Touch was a Xmas gift from us. His computer he paid for it with money he earned during his summer job last year. He has a facebook page. I do view his page periodically, when he is present. We talk about content. Last night we had a good discussion about cyber bullying.

Dating: DS has not expressed much interest in dating, and so it is one less thing for me to worry about right now, I guess. We have not established a "no dating until you're (insert age)" rule. We feel that there is no set age when kids are ready to date. It's an individual thing based more on maturity level. We have tried to pass on our values about this, and have tried to discourage serial dating, giving too much of your heart when you are not ready, and being respectful to girls. He sometimes hangs out with girls, but in a group setting with other guys present too. He has "friends" that are girls and seems to relate well to both girls and guys which is important to me and DH.

Extracuricular Activities: We don't have rules about these. DS had more activities when he was younger than he does now. I think these experiences should generally be encouraged, as kids learn lots from the experiences. I think you have to balance the time to ensure grades don't suffer, and well, we already established that my DS pretty much sucks as a student.

Curfews: He does not have a specified curfew. We talk about what is actually going on and try to set a curfew that makes sense for where he will be going and what he will be doing. Most nights he is in by 11:00 on his own. We have a lights out by 10:00 rule on school nights.

dhcoffey · Apr 6, 2010

My DD will be 17 the end of this month.

Grades: Like a PP, what she is capable of, which I know are very good grades. She's in honors and AP classes, so far, so good with grades.
Driving: She has a car to drive and drives it to school. She still has to ask before she goes anywhere, though, can't just take off without telling me or her dad. Haven't had many problems with the car. She did have it restricted for about a month for behavior problems, though.
Cell: She has a cell phone with unlimited texting. Can't use it while driving. Has to have it on if she's out so I can reach her. I take away her phone if she's in trouble because she "can't live without it!" :rolleyes:

I also reserve the right to check calls and texts if I feel it's needed or no phone.
Computer/social networking: Computer is in the kitchen, so no problem there. she is on facebook but I have her password to check if I feel the need to. No problems there yet.
Extracurricular activities: She has had a few and as long as grades were okay, no problem.
Dating: :headache:

! Need I say more? If I had to do it over again, she wouldn't be dating yet at all. Started dating at 16 (about a year ago) and it's been such a headache! Too much drama. right now, she has a boyfriend but is not allowed to see him outside of school.
Curfew: Depends on the situation. Most of the time, just whenever the function is over that she's at whether it's a school football game, church, etc., as soon as it's over, she's to come home.

Have fun!

Heather

PrincessKsMom · Apr 6, 2010

My DD is 14 but here are my rules, as of now:

Grades -- A or A+. Occasionally a B+, but let's not make it a habit. This is only because I know what she is capable of. Her job is school. Now, when she goes to high school next year she'll be in all Honors classes. Naturally I expect her grades to drop while she adjusts, but a "C" will not be acceptable unless I know she's having extreme difficulties. I've told her I will get her tutors, etc. if she needs them. BTW, it was her idea to take 4 honors classes next year. I would have been happy with 2.

Driving -- not our thing yet.

Cell phone/texting -- when she first got her phone she was extremely limited on texting and told if she went overboard it would be shut off. She was able to follow our restrictions for the first 3 months, so now she has unlimited texting. No phone/texting during school or it will be IMMEDIATELY taken and not after 11 p.m.

Computer/social networking sites -- she has a Facebook page, but I have her password and do frequently check her page. She has been repeatedly reminded that anything she posts will be seen by me, her grandmothers, her teachers, future schools, employers etc. and if I find anything inappropriate, it will be deleted. Severity of infraction will lead to immediate loss of page. She's been online for about 6 months and we've had no issues whatsoever. FWIW, the computer is in the livingroom/den area, so I have the ability to see over her shoulder while she's online.

Extra curricular activities -- unfortunately, she doesn't participate in any activities due to my and DH's work schedules. She has tried numerous things in the past -- cheerleading, gymnastics, volleyball, softball, basketball, dance and acting classes, ice skating... She'll probably play softball again this year and is expected to have at least one extra curricular activity next year in high school.

Dating -- we're just now broaching this one. I can forbid as much as I want, but that will just push her further away. I think this might be imminent due to current circumstances, but will keep an eye on things. I'm not forbidding it and would prefer she be honest with me. Boys are to interfere with school work. Grades slip and her time with him will be limited. I already had a few boyfriends by her age, so I completely understand the feelings involved and am surprised she hasn't had one yet. I think we're doing well on this.

Curfew -- since we don't live close to her friends and she has to be driven/picked up, she's usually at one of their houses. As long as their parents are home, she is allowed to stay out until about 10 or 11 p.m. as long as she's at their house. Being outside and hanging out, between 8 and 9 p.m. depending upon who she's with and where they are. DD only recently began "hanging out", so I'm actually pushing for more of this. She's been a homebody for far too long and needs to socialize more, so I'm probably somewhat more lenient than other parents. We're trying to break her out of her shell, so this is actually a good thing for us and something I'm encouraging, so she'll be more comfortable making new friends in high school next year. Right now she goes to a Catholic grammar school. All of her friends (except one) will be going to Catholic high school next year. She'll be going to the only public high school in our town, so this will be a HUGE adjustment for her. FORGOT TO MENTION: this is weekend only/not on school nights. Very rarely, if ever, goes out during the week.

Curious to see how others feel about these topics. :thumbsup2

java · Apr 6, 2010

15 year old ds

Grades- failing means none of the rest of these things can happen- grounding and no electronics. Take school seriously

Driving- not yet but will be soon we'll figure that one out as we go.

Cell Phone/texting as long as grades are acceptable it can be used limited time though

Computer/Social networking sites Allow as long as grades are acceptable again. Facebook yes- a photography one- yes and a playstation one yes
(BUT I have all passwords and login info and tell him I will occassionally popon just to check what's going on

Extra Curricular activities ENCOURAGE any and all! But again GRADES come first.

Dating surprisingly with the limits we put out there he does have a girlfriend. They originally were spending a lot of time together grades suffered he wasn't allowed to see her until grades improved. Just now he is seeing her once a weekend. (grades improved)

Curfews depends on the situation. In general it's 10 on schoolnights (which means in bed by 10 not that he's out) and weeknights varies depending on what's going on

disykat · Apr 6, 2010

My kids are 17 and almost 15

Grades - do your best. 3.0 required for us to pay for car insurance or university. (We'll still help with community college or trade school etc.) Grades haven't been an issue for us. Special exceptions could be made according to circumstances.

Driving - can get license at 16, must ask permission before driving. No vehicle of their own, though we do have a 3rd vehicle so there is one available to drive when they have permission.

Cell phone - got at 16. My son is the only one in the family with texting, so he has only 200 texts a month. When my younger son gets his phone, we'll change to the family plan so they'll have unlimited. My oldest will be off to college at that point, but I plan on setting limits on the younger one IF it becomes a problem.

Computer - We have two computers set up in our main living area. They were allowed to join facebook (youngest was 14) when I set myself up an account. They have to be my friend. Again, IF it becomes a problem I will shut down priviledges and they know it.

Extra curricular - encougage them to be involved, but not so involved it stresses them out. We discuss each activity as they come up.

Dating - Dating at 16. My oldest had a steady girlfriend at 15, but they pretty much did stuff with either family before 16. Her parents didn't allow him to drive her until he was 17. We keep a pretty strong eye on things. They need permission, explanation of whereabouts, follow any times given, etc.

Curfew - set according to each activity. It's never been an issue. The only thing that has come up is the late showing at the movie theater. I don't like to stay up that late since movies sometimes don't get out until after midnight. Since I am my 14 yr old's transportation, no late shows that get out after 11.

I feel like we're strict, but not overly so. We tend to take things on a case by case basis. My 17 year old recently came to me and "confessed" after making a decision he knew we wouldn't approve of. He was a lot more upset about it than we were. We have rules and expectations, but we don't expect perfection.

Pembo · Apr 6, 2010

Ds, 14 says I am the strictest mom.

He has a cell phone, no texting.
He is not allowed to walk from school to "hang out" with friends I haven't met, no matter how times he asks.
No Facebook.

DisneyBamaFan · Apr 6, 2010

Grades - Do your best. Anything less costs them something TBD
Driving - not there yet, but I will be very strict on riding with friends
Cell Phone/texting - not allowed yet
Computer/Social networking sites - not allowed yet
Extra Curricular activities - tied to success of other responsibilities
Dating - not there yet, but will be chaperoned
Curfews - 11pm

babytrees · Apr 6, 2010

I have an almost 14 yo and 18 yo and we have a lot of unspoken rules...

grades-if you fail a class, be honest about it don't try and blame it on me...yup my almost 18 yo did that as a freshman. :scared1:

She is a smart kid who got a horrible teacher of a horrible new math concept using a grading system he made up....I made her complete the second semester and she did marginally better. Because of this if my youngest gets this teacher I will advocate for her to change classes. This teacher has said that he doesn't really want to be doing this he wants to be back in the missionary field. The only problem is he is the dept. head and the whole dept. uses his made up grading system...thankfully the use of it going school wide has gone by the wayside. Sorry that was a long winded answer to....do your best under the circumstances and your brain...my youngest is a perfectionist who hates to get less than an A-. ETA: We have had a problem with senioritis this year and skipping classes.....after the last one I turned to her and said "make sure your teachers are marking you there or here's a concept...stop skipping" haven't skipped class in over a month. I think I must have scared her with what I would do.

Driving-neither one of my girls drive yet :rolleyes1

cellphone-one phone between the two of them with unlimited texting and only the school rules apply (no texting in class, can't be seen or heard). They are both usually asleep by 10 so when their friends text later in the night they don't get a response.

computer-we have one main computer in the living room....both have facebook sites and I am a friend with both of them. My oldest also got a laptop this past Christmas that is actually with me most of the time because I broke my ankle 9 weeks ago and was on no weight bearing for the first 6 weeks. They both also know that I know how to check what they've been up to on the computer.

extra cirricular activities-both girls have piano lessons and a very part time job....and marching band in the fall....but I am the food coordinator for marching band so I am very present during those 30+ hours a week they are involved in band from August through October. I would love for them to be more involved in other things but they choose what they are involved in.

dating/curfews-oldest is the only one who has dated....and she has only been on a few official dates...she has had boyfriends but it's more the we are boyfriend/girlfriend in school kind of boyfriend. General rules: we have to meet the boy before going out on a date(not hard to do because oldest has only dated other band members :rotfl:

), curfew based on what they are doing....9:00 movie means an 11:30 curfew, 7:00 means a 10:00 curfew....this goes also for going out with friends and no "just wandering around" there has to be plans.

ETA: I forgot to say that I am considered a "cool"/lax parent....

stczt · Apr 6, 2010

We have 3 kids 11,12 and then 15. Things depend on each child but for my teenager:
* Grades- Nothing less than an A, I go online everyday and check his grades.
* Driving- He just got his permit, but if he has bad grades no driving
* Cell Phone/texting- We have 2 rules, no texting during school and no texting/calling after bed time. I check the ATT website every few days and if I see those rules broken then no phone. In fact he lost his phone last Monday and got it back sunday for breaking those rules. He was up all night talking to his girlfriend then texted all day in school the next day.
* Computer/Social networking sites- we just let him have a facebook and here again we have the computer set up so we can check everything.

He complains he cant get away with anything.

jme829 · Apr 6, 2010

My dd is 17...we are pretty open and liberal with pretty much everything. She is a good kid and has never been grounded . She knows though that if she screws up , then she will lose most of her privileges. So far so good.

Grades: she is pretty much an "a" student with a b+ thrown in here and there. We know thats what she is capable of and thats what we expect from her. She is taking college classes also at UW-River Falls and has to maintain her grades for that. She is as hard on herself for schoolwork as we are though, so no problems there.

Cell phone/texting: she can text whoever, whenever. No restrictions there..if she is up texting all night, she is the one who has to suffer the consequences so she limits herself.

Curfew: Nothing set in stone. If she is out on a school night, she normally is in by 9-10 oclock on her own...again she is the one who has to get up early so she know she can't stay out all night. Weekends depend on where she is and with who...but she usually is either home or with her bf at his parents house usually she comes in around 12, but will text me if she is going to be late.

Dating: she has been with her current bf almost 2 years. He is 2 years older, we do make sure that someone is home if they are at either house, but for the most part we trust them (I'm not naive, I know things can still happen, but so far she hasn't broken my trust, so she gets the freedom if and until she breaks that trust).

Driving: She can drive within reason most anywhere with one friend in the car. She is legal to drive with more, and depending on where she is going and with who, depends on what distance/time of night I let her go.

Computer: she has her own laptop, myspace, facebook..etc..No restrictions as to when and how long she can use it. She keeps her grades up and knows when she needs to be working on school work, so I don't worry when she is on the internet. She isn't dumb enough to "chat" with strangers. The only one she really chats with is her bf.

Extracurriculars: she can do whatever she is interested in but really only does volleyball and she's a student to student mentor (helps with special needs kids). She plays on the Varsity team for the past two seasons (JV as a freshman) and also plays JO (club) volleyball in the spring (just finished up). SHe also holds a part time job at the YMCA and works 2-3 days per week.

She is a very mature, level headed girl. She gets these privileges, trust and respect because she has never done anything to break them. If that changes, then so will her privileges.

Now dd11 and ds8 on the other hand, while they are not bad kids either, they have always been a little more immature than dd17 is at each age so they will probably have stricter privileges as they get older. But I guess time will tell with them.

marcyinPA · Apr 6, 2010

I could have written what I bolded in red. This is my DS14 to a "T". He's a freshman this year and has struggled tremendously. He is completely capable of pulling A's...he gets 100%'s on many quizzes, tests and assignments....but then he gets completely lazy, will get a 30% or other failing grade and bring his grade down. This quarter that just finished, he had been failing all three of his academic classes, and managed to get final grades of a B-, a C-, and an F. The whole year has been like this. We've tried EVERYTHING. Right now, for this new quarter, he's doing better, mainly because now we make him do his homework where we can see him, we make him get his planner initialed by his teachers and by us, and we make him stay after school for extra help in Algebra at least 2x a week. I also got him a tutor for Biology (a friend of mine is a 9th grade bio teacher...talk about being blessed!!). He doesn't need the tutoring, per se, but he does need to be brought back on track.

My DH and I are so frustrated with him...this is the kid who scores above average on his state tests, and was in the advanced classes in middle school. UGH.

cheermom1 · Apr 6, 2010

I have a 17 and 16 yr. old.

Grades - They have to give their best and if they are not I know it and this adjusted for each kid as they are capable of things in their own right.

Driving - They are not allowed but one other friend in the car and they have not gone more than a 20 mile radius from the house.

Cell - they both have cells with unlimited but mainly b/c I want it too. They have to turn them off at 10 pm.

Computer - They both have computers in their rooms but I have all their pass words to everything and check up on them all the time and randomly, plus they have aunts and uncles and friends parents that help me with this as well. (oldest got caught by a friends mom with a very questionable out fit on while on line) she told me about it and she hasn't dared do it since. :laughing:

Actives - they are allowed one sport (money reasons) and we talk about the academics stuff, I usually let them do those as that is important. I have to know where they are going and where they will be at all times. one of the reasons they have phone.

Dating - group dates at 14 and one on one at 16.

Curfews - 10 pm during the week and 12 pm during the weekends but again I have to know what they are doing and where they are at all times.

mamacatnv · Apr 6, 2010

DS is now 20, a Sophomore in college but at 16 here were our basic rules

Grades
Must maintain a 3.25 gpa to play football and to drive
Driving
We will provide 1 car, you wreck it the rest is on you.
You must pay us the cost of your car insurance on a monthly basis.
No one in the car but the driver.
All laws - speeding, seatbelts etc. are to be obeyed or we have the right to revoke your license and you can take the bus to and from school.
Absolutly no drinking and driving
Cell Phone/texting
Not while driving, end of story - pull over
Unlimited texting was part of the plan - if the school takes it away that is your problem not mine, follow the rules.
No texting/calling during dinner etc, phone off and on the counter at bedtime
Computer/Social networking sites
Mom had all passwords and checked them periodically - MySpace was the site of choice at the time
Extra Curricular activities
He did them all - sports, school activities, dances, movies with friends etc.
Dating
Allowed, although he didn't do much one on one until he was about 17 and then he was allowed to take a date in his car. He had to go meet her parents etc usually prior to departure. We really emphasized to him to respect his dates' parents wishes regarding curfew etc, regardless of what he thought of it.
ie he had a prom date whose curfew was before the end of the event but the parents would not flex, we told him to get her home even tho it meant leaving the prom early.
Curfews
*No curfew, home time was based on the event and was prearranged prior to departure. If late must call
*Had to abide by the city curfew laws in regards to public places etc.

Other:
No riding in another teens car - ever
If you drink, call us, we will come get you, no questions asked, no consequences from us, this goes for all your friends too.
Always use a condom, no exceptions
Call and check in when you arrive at your destination, when you change locations and when you are ready to head home.

cheermom1 · Apr 6, 2010

I have to comment on the bolded part b/c I told mine the same thing. I would rather them be safe than afraid to call me to pick them up. I also talked to them about safe sex as well and it has paid off as neither of them have gone down this road and I firmly believe it is b/c I talked to them about it and was real with them and honest about everything, and b/c I did this they talk to me about sex and now that if they do think they are ready they can always come to me. I don;t want them to get bad info from someone and pay the price. I told them that I was by no means saying it is ok but that I want them to be safe and bit get preggo!

The Mystery Machine · Apr 6, 2010

My oldest is almost 19 and away at college this yr. My youngest dd is 13.

We expected decent grades and my dd expected them of herself. Older dd took mostly AP classes and enjoyed them, worked hard, got decent grades. Younger dd only wants A's, so no school issue there.

Driving at 16 we only allowed a couple of friends to start off with and that was until the 6 week time period, I think? We basically had her follow the rules of the DMV. Same with curfew, we followed the local curfew rules.

Cell Phone/texting/computers/social networking sites, etc...Never had an issue with it. Pretty much they have had there own computers, cell phones, unlimited texting for awhile now. I was not a fan of the "My Space" back then however I have no problems with Facebook.

We did not allow real dating until 16. When she was a freshman she had seniors asking her out. Um, no.

As far as extra curricular. I don't force it on them. They don't do sports. Older dd was in band in HS. Younger dd is into academics. Their summer programs are plenty of "extra curricular" for us. Plus you have the school clubs and other school stuff.

Parents of teens - what are your rules?

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