Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[AnnaFloridaLover]

OP----I hate to harp on idea---but I noticed someone bumped your thread about your son from two years ago. That one also begins with comparing him to his sisters. I get it, i have two and they are extremly different in many ways (and extremly similar in others!)----but I rarely think to compare when there is an issue. It just leaves me thinking even more that you might really, totally unintentionally, leave your son feeling like he cannot live up to his older siblings more than you realize. It might be something worth truly slowing down and thinking about, or aksing him about flat out---he might well tell you if you give him the opening.

I love the PP advice to focus largely on just connecting to him---going out for lunch or wlks, etc-----I think it is much easier to see someone else's side of things when you are good terms with them and all that anger and frustration can relaly build up between a teen adn a parent if there is no active attempt to coutner act it.

I agree with this advice.

Nothing good can come from battling with him and telling him not to come home. If you really want to fix the relationship, start from scratch and realize that he is not going to be the son who gets good grades and is going to be immature for now no matter how much you fight with him. A huge dose of kindness and patience will save everyone's sanity.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Yep, the best life lessons I was taught were through my own trial and error. That's not a condemnation of my parents, they tried, but I had to figure it out on my own. Taking away my Atari (hey, it was the bomb back in the day) is a whole different animal than taking away my ability to feed myself. In full disclosure, I knew I wouldn't have literally starved to death when I left home at 19. If push came to shove and I went back home hungry, my parents would have fed me. But at that age and as rebellious as I was I probably would have eaten from a dumpster before I went back home. However, the reality of having to fend for myself to buy something other than Raman noodles was quite the slap in the face.

Much of my rebellion stemmed from the fact that I did not do well in school. My siblings were super smart and super responsible. I was an average student and would rather hang with my friends than study or do homework because no matter how hard I tried I could not get the grades my siblings got. My parents did treat me differently for that reason. Bad marks (70's) meant my parents were ashamed of me, pissed and wouldn't let me go out on weekends. I used to sign my own tests when I received a mark below 80. When I did go out they told me when and where I could and couldn't go, who I could hang with etc. They were constantly mad at me because I learned to sneak around, lie and do what I had to do to stay away from their constant nagging and overbearing ways. Who wants to come home to that? I became the person that they thought I was. Leaving home and finding my own way was the best thing I did for all of us.

 

[cabanafrau]

After going through my own very rebellious years when I was a teen and now having three kids of my own, one thing I have learned is that there is no one "right" way to raise/teach/discipline a child. So many different ideas and thoughts here, which is great discussion. But what may work like a charm for one would be total disaster for another. My three kids are each different in their own right, and while we're consistent as we can be, what works for one won't work for the other so there is some custom tailoring. And as I've said, sometimes NOTHING will "work" for a child if the child doesn't want it to.

Love you child, be their parent (which is different than being their friend) to the very best of your ability, have faith in them and much of the rest of it is in their hands.

As far as the bolded, don't we see that as a parent of simply our own children? As you go along this parenting journey and you learn things with child number one you feel like you've "cracked the code" and are ready to handle X and Y like a master. Then you try it out with kid number two -- and fall flat on your face. I learned that lesson on day number two with child number two with breastfeeding. It was rough getting it going with number one, but it clicked eventually and I was sure I was ready with number two. Give birth, child immediately goes to the breast, easy peasy. Day number two, nursing strike. Wait, what? This is completely different. Now what the heck do I do? It was almost like I was parenting a completely different person or something.

 

[luvsJack]

A lot of you are mentioning putting a kid out. It seems that it got the op's son's attention. So maybe it worked. When we gave ds an option to stop some of what was going on or live somewhere else he chose to leav. I knew he had somewhere to go. He just didn't realize his young adult friends didn't have this great life he thought they did. They had no food in the house for one. When he came home, we were all able to sit down and talk about what each of us wanted to happen.

I would have never done it without knowing exactly where he would go. Perhaps the op knew where her son would go too. I hope so.

Otoh, I have seen kids put out and stay under a bridge. That, imo, is detrimental to the situation. Others have moved in with their gf/bf and family which is headed in the wrong direction.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My son is 16 and a junior. He's not rebellious or disrespectful but he's not the greatest student and messed up a lot freshman and junior year. To the point of having to do summer school and barely passing that!

The past year his father and I (we are divorced) have made it very clear to him that if his grades are bad we are NOT paying for college. Not even community college. We also made it clear that he can't sit home and do nothing so his only other option is the military. His father is ex USMC. I got him pamphlets and left them on his bed. He has completely done a 180 in school. He made it clear the military isn't what he wants and he wants to go to college.

 

[pryncess527]

There are obviously many differing views presented here. I have three sons and they were pretty much parented the same but they are so completely different. I do find it interesting that so many are of the opinion that the parents who are strict and have many rules have adult children that rebel and go crazy in college. I can say with 100% confidence that in my 25 years in social work, the teens, young adults and families we most often see are not the ones with rule-happy, over-involved parents but the lackadaisical, do whatever you want, child is in charge families. I cannot say I've ever known or worked with an 18 yr old who is ready to be completely independent. Most struggle when they are 20-21yrs.

These are not the only two options. These are opposite ends of the spectrum. I think what most people are suggesting is that balance is important, and going too far in either direction creates its own set of problems.
I have not seen anyone suggest a "lackadaisical, do whatever you want, child is in charge" approach.

 

[cabanafrau]

These are not the only two options. These are opposite ends of the spectrum. I think what most people are suggesting is that balance is important, and going too far in either direction creates its own set of problems.
I have not seen anyone suggest a "lackadaisical, do whatever you want, child is in charge" approach.

Honestly I do think the overly controlling, overbearing parent is a huge liability. In my experience those kids do tend to either rebel or are completely ill equipped to function without oversight. IMO it's not such a bad things for your kids to fall down and screw up while they're young and have a parent to encourage them to get up, dust themselves off and figure out how to handle the consequences. If you start that when they're very young they gain experience and confidence -- and are willing to hear mom and dad's advice. All of those are good habits for them to have as they grow. With practice they understand that every mistake is not the end of the world -- which is really important by the way, and they come to understand some things are just no go, ever, the way they grow and learn things like a stove being hot means you get burned.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the above post. I have seen a number of kids with this type of parent. It can be devastating.
And, in most all cases, yes, they are stifled and completely unprepared to handle life and make necessary tough decisions, etc.

I also wonder if the issue with comparing siblings is not valid in the OP's case.
I am the one who mentioned the guy that my son went thru Scouts with. I really feel for this guy! I am quite sure that the OP feels like she is trying to say, "Hey, I haven't dealt with this with my other kids, so I am lost here..." But, it is coming off as a comparison, it could be likely that the son has been picking up on that.

I think it is interesting that a parent who doesn't appreciate being treated disrespectuflly, and their adult child feeling entitled to use them and their home for a free ride... looking at the possibility that this kid needs to realize that this can not, and will not, continue. That if they want total freedom, that means they will work towards being responsible and having their own place to live, their own life, etc... as 'totalitarian'. That is not quite how I see it.

There is the possibility that the OP has been demanding and totalitarian in their expectations, the level of control they exert, etc... IMHO, that could be TOTALITARIAN. Trying to exert control over small aspects, or personal aspects, of their kid's lives. Everything has to be my way and meet my expectations... (not just the reasonable expectation that their still high-school kid doesn't run around all night with no clear plan or reason. That wouldn't fly with DH and I.)

There is a middle ground.
There is always a middle ground.

Some kids do respond better to different parenting angles.
But, in general, I believe that basic consistantcy, strong well-defined boundaries and understanding of consequences, are all very good things!

 

[penn19]

This is my DS to a tee. His grades are poor, and he doesn't care. I have taken everything away, not allowed driver's training until improvement in grades, and he spent every second of last summer in summer school (costing me $1k). No video games, no phone, no fun. He's always been a fun, pleasant, enjoyable kid and our only issue has been grades. Now I feel his losing the "fun, enjoyable" part and wonder if I should let up.

He's told us point blank be won't go to college, and I don't care. Why pay a zillion dollars for him to do the same type of work he does in high school? He wants to go to trade school to learn auto. Auto is the only class in high school He loves. Funny thing is, he's been tested ad nauseam due to these issues, and he tests at near genius levels.

At what point do you day, you know what? You're a good kid who doesn't like school. Get by, barely pass...but pass in order to get a diploma, and let him be His enjoyable happy-go-lucky self.

Tough stuff, OP. I've seen so many families struggle with behavioral issues with kids. They have several kids, parent them all the same, are extremely strict and get a difficult to manage one. It's easy to sit back and judge if you haven't walked the walk.

My oldest was like this. I just wanted him to graduate high school. He tried college (more to please me I think and because i told him if he didn't go to college he was ready to start living his life and he could move out) Basically it was a continuation of high school. He was (still is) a really good person. But school was just not for him. I worried about him constantly. But you know what? He works hard, and is doing well in a job where a college degree is not required and now he and his wife are having a house built. I never ever thought he would do well in the game of life but I finally had to leave it up to him to make a path for himself.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can really identify with our post, Penn!
Our son struggles academically.
Thank goodness that neither DH or I fall in the either/or, or 'higher education is necessary/everything' category.
But I almost mentioned in my post, just above, when I talked about expectations... That what the parent may feel are expectations, and the expectations that are best for each child, can be two different things.
While traditional college was not in our expectations, I do find that I have had to adjust my own dreams/expectations for my son a little bit, as he finds his own way, becomes who he is, and tries to chart a path that is best for him!!!

 

[cabanafrau]

My oldest was like this. I just wanted him to graduate high school. He tried college (more to please me I think and because i told him if he didn't go to college he was ready to start living his life and he could move out) Basically it was a continuation of high school. He was (still is) a really good person. But school was just not for him. I worried about him constantly. But you know what? He works hard, and is doing well in a job where a college degree is not required and now he and his wife are having a house built. I never ever thought he would do well in the game of life but I finally had to leave it up to him to make a path for himself.

The idea about college being a necessity is a lot about our culture today. In a sense I agree with it, for good reasons I think. Then when I take a step back I can see it doesn't make sense for some people. I can understand where a parent might have difficulty seeing that all the things that make a college degree the sensible option for quite a lot of people to achieve success, makes no sense for others. Hopefully if I had a kid where that made sense I'd be smart enough to recognize it and be able to either stand back and let my kid figure out their path, or be able to be supportive in helping them figure it out.

I have a friend who can pick up anything with her hands and do it. She trained in hairstyling and worked in it professionally for a while. She's done my hair for years now and can do things with it just by cutting it that nobody else has ever seemed to be able to do. She tried schooling for a different career just a few years ago with not very good results despite serious effort. Finally gave it up after a couple years.

 

[Magpie]

A lot of you are mentioning putting a kid out. It seems that it got the op's son's attention. So maybe it worked. When we gave ds an option to stop some of what was going on or live somewhere else he chose to leav. I knew he had somewhere to go. He just didn't realize his young adult friends didn't have this great life he thought they did. They had no food in the house for one. When he came home, we were all able to sit down and talk about what each of us wanted to happen.

I would have never done it without knowing exactly where he would go. Perhaps the op knew where her son would go too. I hope so.

Otoh, I have seen kids put out and stay under a bridge. That, imo, is detrimental to the situation. Others have moved in with their gf/bf and family which is headed in the wrong direction.

After Leslie Mahaffy, I'm honestly surprised anyone would think it's a good idea to kick a child out into the street.

Leslie Mahaffy was a "rebellious teen", just 14 years old. One night, when she once again broke her curfew, her mother locked the door and went to bed. "Tough love". If she couldn't learn to respect the curfew, then she'd learn what it was like to spend all night on the street.

Well, she was sitting on the curb in front of her house when Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo pulled up and forced her into their car, wrapping a sweatshirt over her head to muffle her screams. Her mother slept through everything. Leslie was raped and horrifically tortured for at least 24 hours, before they finally murdered her.

Several years ago, there was a family in my church who tried to kick their "rebellious teen" out of their home. She'd been caught with marijuana and was refusing to go to drug counselling, so they kicked her out. They were hoping she'd come crawling home, all repentant, when she realized that she'd have to sleep on the street. Their plan didn't quite work, as right away another family in the church took her in and let her live with them. The mother in that family said, "I won't let another young girl be put in danger!" This caused all sorts of tension between the families, but eventually things calmed down, the girl made peace with her parents, and she's now in university. Alive and doing well.

I really think it's a parent's responsibility to ensure their child has somewhere to go, if they are kicking them out. Heck, I wouldn't even throw an adult roommate out, without ensuring they had somewhere to go! I know one of the biggest reasons I moved out, was realizing that my mother's home was NOT my home, and never would be. I might have lived there just as long as she had, but it would always be her home. If I ever wanted a place of my own, a place where I belonged, I was going to have to leave. And I think that's a sad feeling for a teenager. I really hope I've never made my kids feel that way.

(My mother tells people she kicked me out, but it's not at all how it happened. I walked out, tracked down a friend, and slept on her bedroom floor for two weeks until I found an apartment to share with roommates. Leaving was my decision, not hers. And when I've confronted her on the fact that she's making up stories that didn't happen, she just says that it was "a very painful time" and she doesn't want to remember it. Pfft. I suppose she'd say I was a "rebellious teen", too.)

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The idea about college being a necessity is a lot about our culture today. In a sense I agree with it, for good reasons I think. Then when I take a step back I can see it doesn't make sense for some people. I can understand where a parent might have difficulty seeing that all the things that make a college degree the sensible option for quite a lot of people to achieve success, makes no sense for others. Hopefully if I had a kid where that made sense I'd be smart enough to recognize it and be able to either stand back and let my kid figure out their path, or be able to be supportive in helping them figure it out.

I have a friend who can pick up anything with her hands and do it. She trained in hairstyling and worked in it professionally for a while. She's done my hair for years now and can do things with it just by cutting it that nobody else has ever seemed to be able to do. She tried schooling for a different career just a few years ago with not very good results despite serious effort. Finally gave it up after a couple years.

It is still true that on average a person with a college degree makes more over their lifetime compared to a person who doesn't have a college degree but after the recession many things have changes though.

There are many jobs that still require a college degree, regardless of the actual job function. My last job which I had started in Nov 2010 had just a few months before I started removed the college degree requirement from my job description. Honestly the job didn't need a college degree, it needed common sense and quick learning combined with de-escalating skills. It used to also be before they made a college degree a requirement in my last job that you only could make up to a certain point until you received your college degree. If you already had your college degree you started at a higher salary and could continue onto to higher salaries instead of being halted at a certain amount.

Having a college degree, especially for the young adults may not make as much sense when you figure in the cost of tuition, lack of ability to get private loans (something that I had to do in order to go to college), the unfortunate way FAFSA calculates aid (based on parent income even if they aren't contributing anything), the job market in general, but also a growing trend in the "not so usual stay in the job forever" types of jobs.

I have many friends who don't have a college degree; for me it was a complete expectation to go but I don't think that college is for everyone. Some just don't do well in that setting, some it interfers with their lives such as the job they have (sometimes night school, part-time school isn't an option either) and for some they just don't see the point.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I 100% do not agree with and will never understand kicking your own child out of the house. Unless that child is in jail or committing illegal activities, I can see nothing good coming out evicting a child.

 

[Magpie]

I 100% do not agree with and will never understand kicking your own child out of the house. Unless that child is in jail or committing illegal activities, I can see nothing good coming out evicting a child.

And if the child's in jail, you don't even need to evict them!

As for illegal activities...

1. What are they? Why is he doing this?

2. Is he a danger to himself and/or others?

3. Does this call for mocking?

4. Do we call in Uncle Shamus to beat some sense into the boyo?

5. Does he need a psychiatrist, a counselor, a medical doctor or Doctor Phil?

6. Does he need a 72 hour hospital assessment?

7. Do we take him to the police station? (Don't call the cops, that sometimes leads to badness. Shamus can help you drag the brat down to the station.)

At no point in this discussion do we ever get to, "Let's kick him out, because he's disrespecting us!" Even if the child's gone all stab-happy, you don't want to just let him loose on society where he might go stabby on someone else. That's just plain irresponsible!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, since this thread is still here front and center, I will post again.

First, I am not sure anyone is thinking that a high-school kid be kicked out of the house.
I still maintain that, at some point, yes, for my and my DH's sanity, and the families well being, as well as the principle of tough love, would mean that we would be able to come to the decision that all avenues and chances have been exhausted and that this is what we would find ourselves having to do.

What I really came back to say was more along the lines that I am not so sure that this is just common teen 'rebellious' behavior.
There have been several comments made by the OP that make me think this.
Along with the fact that this has been ongoing for quite some time now.

I will also point out here that I just used the word 'common'... Not 'normal'.
I hate resorting to semantics!!! But I just think that the word 'normal', and the word 'common', are being interchanged or mis-used.
Just because there are situations and behaviors that might be seen and considered 'common', or not uncommon, IMHO, does not make them normal.

Anyhow, back on track... I am making this comment with the only intention, and true 100% intention, to maybe be helpful to the OP.
One of the bigger things that I am noticing in her posts are the comments about how consequences just do not seem to get thru, or even matter, to this kid. She hasn't pointed that out directly, but there are several comments describing this type of thing.

People have pointed out that there need to be strong and consistant consequences. And she states that this is what her and her DH have doing. (at least trying)

It seems that this kid might be in deep you-know-what, perhaps even locked out for the remainder of the night, knowing that he is losing car privileges, only to come back with, 'Can I have the car tomorrow...' If this is his usual type of response, then that might tell me a lot.

Something tells me that there could be something more going on with this young man that is a huge factor. I have made one small mention of this before. I won't mention any specific armchair-specialist opinions.
But I can't help but to wonder, and to wonder if the OP has considered these kinds of things.