Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[HeatherC]

We have three kids all two years apart and all teenagers. My two daughters are so easy and just do the right thing and don't really engage in risky behavior or high school drama. My son, however, is giving us a run for the money.

We are not overly strict parents and are pretty laid back about things. We do, however, expect them to just do their best and basically do the right thing. My son is just a rebel without a clue. He just can't seem to make good choices, hangs around with kids he grew up with who are just as rebellious as he is and basically can't get out of his own way. The kicker is that he ALWAYS gets caught but it doesn't matter to him.

He is in his senior year and I have to say we cannot wait for him to be done with high school. But I am also not sure what he will wind up doing next year. He wants to live away at college, but his grades are terrible and we are not prepared,to fork over that much money for a kid who just wants to have fun.

He is the polar opposite of my other two. We just went to a celebration brunch today for those students who received scholarships at my oldest daughters University and my other daughter is just as motivated.

While we are proud of all of them for different reasons, I have to say it is just exhausting with him. The constant worry and anxiety is doing me in.

Any other parents with rebellious teens? Please tell me this too shall pass.

 

[mombrontrent]

My son is the same age as yours, he's 17, in his last year of high school. Well I'm actually not holding out high hopes for him graduateing at all this year and he definitely won't be in college next year because like your son he won't take it seriously at all because he doesn't take high school seriously all.

He's always been a challenging child and the teenage years are hard! And since he's my oldest I haven't been though this before. I often feel like I'm too easy going but it's hard to go back now. I don't have any advice but I'm right there with you and my 14 year old daughter is just starting down the same path as well.

 

[mjkacmom]

Knock on wood, no issues yet (my kids range from 13 - 20), but it's been my observation that a lot of it depends on how they are hard wired, and their crowd. I've always tried to guide my kids to find friends who are involved in extra curricular activities, and care about grades. So far, so good, good kids, little trouble, great grades, but I'm keeping my eye on ds13, who is more impulsive and more likely to make poor decisions. Fortunately he has a twin sister who keeps him in line academically (both A students), and is very involved in sports. He has some friendships that I don't encourage.

I have friends who are great parents, and are really getting a run for their money with their teens (bad grades, drinking, drugs, fights, disrespect). Some kids are tougher than others!

 

[HeatherC]

Thanks guys! Makes me feel better knowing we are not going through this alone. I do believe it is how they are hard wired. He is way too impulsive and prone to take risks. That could serve him well down the road if he ever wanted to start his own business, etc. but right now it's killing us.

He has always been a great athlete and has played soccer, baseball and basketball. The kids he is friends with are also all sports kids...and most of them get decent grades. Not him....could care less.

He went to the high school football game Friday night and was told to be home by 11:30. (11:30 because he was already in trouble for the previous weekend.) He refused and decided to not come home at all or yesterday. His excuse was that everyone else is allowed to sleep out. Ummm no they aren't. They are also disrespecting their parents too. I know this because the parents are all great and going through the same thing. We all keep each other updated via texts on their shenanigans.mand basically all have the same rules.

This has happened before, so I basically told him our house, our rules. If you don't like it feel free to leave. He turned 18 in Aigust so other than sticking to our rules, there is not much we can do at this point. He is a good hearted kid, but I really need him to grow that front part of the brain that is not formed in teens yet.

Maybe this is Gods way of preparing us for an empty nest.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

He went to the high school football game Friday night and was told to be home by 11:30. (11:30 because he was already in trouble for the previous weekend.) He refused and decided to not come home at all or yesterday. His excuse was that everyone else is allowed to sleep out.

This is not impulsive behavior. This is deliberate.

The fact that he was already in trouble the previous weekend, and you still allowed him to stay out until 11pm, shows me that he knows he can get away with whatever he wants in your house.

Time to sit him down and explain this. stops. now.

Shut his phone off. I take it he doesn't pay for it. Make him earn it back.

Does he drive? Do you pay for his insurance? Take the keys. Hide the car. No driving.

Tough love. He is very disrespectful because he knows he can treat you like this and get a punishment like "You have to come in at 11:30pm next weekend".

Good luck. You are in charge. It's not too late.

 

[Coonhound]

If you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. Your children are around kids you'd never want your child being influenced by [not to mention teachers influencing kids and they're a stranger to you! who knows what they're telling your kid] and you can't protect them because they're at school and you don't know what's going on. The same thing can happen in church youth groups as well. Stick to situations that are whole family activities with other families, rather than the kids being sent one way and parents sent another way.

 

[Govols1997]

No advice as my oldest is 13, but I'm following for future ideas.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

He turned 18 in Aigust so other than sticking to our rules, there is not much we can do at this point .

Yes there is.

Turn off his phone.
Take the car keys.
Don't give him any money.
Take his bedroom door of the hinges. No privacy for a disrespectful child.
No new clothes/sneakers.

Make him earn all of these things back.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. .

Private schools too. Believe me.

 

[Coonhound]

Private schools too. Believe me.

Honestly I think it is ANY school. Private schools can sometimes be worse than public because all the defiant kids are sent there thinking it will straighten them out. But not everyone wants/can homeschool, so that's why I focused on public school. Private school is better than nothing, usually.

 

[jevs]

No advice as my oldest is only 13. But just wanted to say hang in there, there are plenty of rebel kids out there that turned into great adults

 

[hereyago]

My df would have lccked my butt out had I pulled the not come home thing. Or if he knew where I was come get the car in front of an audience and then lock me out.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

My df would have lccked my butt out had I pulled the not come home thing. Or if he knew where I was come get the car in front of an audience and then lock me out.

My dad would take that car off of me for a year if I was brazen enough to disrespect him and refuse to come home.

I really don't buy into the whole "rebellious teen" thing. Maybe some push back. But not coming home at night is beyond rebellion. That is downright disrespectful.

Again, you can cut him off from each and every luxury that you afford him. His tune will change quickly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If my adult teen (and I do have a son) were to behave like that and 'refuse to come home', and disappear overnight or over the weekend, he would be informed that he is free to find another home. That kind of behavior and disrespect would not fly at my house. I think DH and I would, at some point, be like the poster above who mentioned that they would have had their butt locked out.

Kids are different...
Sometimes girls and guys can be wired differently.

I am thinking that maybe if you are haggling over curfews and consequences because they were 'in trouble' last week, with an 18 year adult, the dynamic and the methods might be a little skewed here.

There are kids with some SERIOUS problems out there.
My son is now seeing that.
He has one acquaintance that has gone off the deep end, on meth, and that has been trying to keep coming to one of his friends house, bumming, etc... He has friend/acquaintances who are in troubled situations with divorced parents, financial difficulties, etc...

Maybe, at some point, concern over high school football games and haggling over curfews is just not the way to go.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Next time he misses curfew, call the police & report the car stolen. Then let him spend the night in jail when they find him.

 

[HeatherC]

OP here. ChocolateCake...we have done all that! Took the car last spring...he didn't have it all summer. Finally gave it back when school started because he needs to get to his job from school and we aren't around to drive him. Well that didn't last long because we had to take it away again after this weekend. Now the job will be lost as a result. Oh well.

Stopped paying for the phone, wouldn't pay his sports fees, parking pass for school, took tv out of the room, cancelled car insurance, etc.

We try to keep the communication open but stick to our guns. Doesn't matter. He cannot get out of his own way. He will say he is sorry and at the moment he probably his. But the next day...same thing all over again.

Unless someone is going through this, it is so hard to envision. There is no right answer....that I know. As parents we just do the best we can and keep on keeping on. But it's so exhausting and hard.

 

[usnuzuloose]

But the kids need to see that the parents are on the same page. That they can not play the parents against each other. If that is going on your problems will continue. I would not give them any money. Not pay for cell phones. No arguing with them. Remember you are the parent, not their friend. Parenting can be tough, but parents that work together get through it. But you have to follow through with the consequences.

 

[HeatherC]

To be clear. This is not simply haggling about curfews. And for the record, we really never cared what time they come home as long as we knew where they were and who they were with. The girls have no problem with it and are totally reasonable.

He thinks he can just party when he wants and use our home as a hotel. Not happening kid!

I literally just texted him that if he wants to follow our rules, he can come home tonight. His only response...can I use the car tomorrow? So I then proceeded to tell him...don't bother showing up here tonight dude...the doors will be locked. When you get your .... together, the we can talk.

So I'm trying here. I really am.

 

[HeatherC]

DH and I are TOTALLY on the same page. That is why it is so mind boggling to us. Even my daughters cannot believe how ridiculous he is.

Unfortunately, it looks like he will have to hit rock bottom first and then dig himself out of the hole. Breaks my heart, but I won't be doing him any favors if we give in. But it's hard!

 

[Chocolate Cake]

Stopped paying for the phone, wouldn't pay his sports fees, parking pass for school, took tv out of the room, cancelled car insurance, etc.

Cancel the phone. How is he texting you? You can just go online and shut it off.

Cancelled car insurance? OMG! Is he driving to work without insurance? He seems so irresponsible to begin with and now he is driving with no insurance?

I literally just texted him that if he wants to follow our rules, he can come home tonight.

Where is he? Will he go to school tomorrow?

His only response...can I use the car tomorrow?

Does he know you cancelled the insurance?

So I'm trying here. I really am.

I know you are. This is a scary time. He is partying and not coming home. If it is already to the point where he has zero respect for you and your husband, it may be too late.