Parents of only children - any regrets

[horseshowmom]

My daughter is an "only" and will turn 22 this month. She would be the first to tell you that she not only has/had no issue with being an "only", she was very satisfied with it. She has always said that she has never missed having a sibling.

She is certainly not "spoiled" or self-centered. In fact, she has a remarkable ability to communicate with people of all ages and never meets a stranger.

From a practical standpoint, she did benefit from being an only child. We currently have 5 horses in our pasture that have all been shown. She started with a lower level, less expensive horse and moved up from there. We could not have afforded the quality of horses we bought if we had had more children (not to mention the show clothes, saddles, etc.).

When we traveled on vacation, we always took one of her friends with us. She always had a great time and so did we.

OP, to answer your question, I have from time to time wondered whether I would have liked to have had another child. It finally occurred to me when my daughter finished high school and started college that I was really kind of glad that I didn't have any younger ones coming along. My daughter was truly a joy and never any trouble, but I enjoyed having her grown and the freedom that comes with having your children grown. She was married last month, and we consider her husband as a new son!

 

[DVCJones]

My oldest is 8 years older than his brother and 13 years older than his sister. We always thought he would be an only child. When he was 7, my DH decided we needed to have another child after he watched a TV show where the parents lost their only child when they were in their 50's. He decided he didn't want that to happen to us. I know its a strange reason to have another child.

I don't think that is a strange reason at all. Unless you have lost a child or have come close to losing a child, I think it is hard to comprehend this thought. My first child was diagnosed with cancer when she was 6 months old. To think that I could possibly lose my only child was too much for me to even think about. I could not go there mentally while we were going through her treatment. Anyway, After she was well, I wanted another child ASAP. I wanted a sibling for my DD. I wanted to bank DD2's cord blood (this is a proven potential cure for DD's cancer) and I knew if her cancer ever came back I would have a possible cure.

Turned out my DD is "cured." (Best words I ever heard from her Dr.) I had DD2's cord blood banked and also found out after DD2 I couldn't have anymore children. I always wanted 3 children, but it is a miracle I have my 2 DDs

OP, You can't live in fear though, you should do what you feel is right. I did what I thought I had to do.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Huh. Out of the many things that come to mind that I'd never "do" to my child, I can say this doesn't even come on the radar. Hitting her, leaving her home alone, etc. are things I'll never "do" to her.

I can honestly say that I love having an only child! It's great! You invite kids over and the best part is when they start to argue, you can send the other kids home! Peace is wonderful. It's easier to go out and do things because you're only paying for one child vs. two or more. It's nice because there are more parents than children, so we can either double-team or take turns, giving one parent a break at a time. I don't have to buy equal amounts of Christmas presents (because kids notice things like that). If DD is sick, I only have to deal with one child throwing up instead of it invariably passing along to the next.

That said, you can see my ticker. Baby #2 is going to be here next month. It was a hard decision for us and took years. I came to the conclusion that while having an only child was best for me, DD would probably be better off with a sibling. A big factor for us was thinking of her being alone after we're both gone. She'll have friends and she'll have a husband who will probably have family, etc., but it's not the same as having her own. We want her to be able to share "remember when" stories with somebody who actually does remember when. And they may never be best friends, true, but if there's never a sibling, there's never even a chance.

It was just a matter of weighing how important I felt it was for me to have an only child vs. how important we felt it was for her to have a sibling, and the sibling option won out. Barely. I'm nervous about starting all over with a newborn, but I did it before, so I can do it again! And I know once the baby's here we'll wonder how we ever did without him, just like his sister.

Bets of luck to you!!!!
Wonderful blessing your giving your daughter

 

[horseshowmom]

As a parent of an only child, I (and my hubby) have no regrets. We have a happy, well-adjusted child. But I do get angry when people tell me that I'm selfish ( I had a co-worker say that to my face.) and that I'm ruining my child by not giving her a sibling relationship. I don't understand the underlying anger or resentment of people towards those of us who have only children (whether or not we choose it or not).

You know, they say living well is the best revenge...

I dealt with some of that to a small extent (particularly since we homeschooled too ), but our "finished product" has been difficult for anybody to argue with. She's a caring and sharing individual with a concern for those less fortunate. She's involved with the church and the community (gone right now to help chaperone a youth trip).

When people made comments (which I basically ignored with a smile), I had only to look around to know that everybody's situation is different. As others have said, I know many people who have several siblings, but they are left to care for elderly parents on their own (so much for helping with parents). I know of siblings who seldom, if ever, see each other (so much for the family bonds). I know of children who have siblings but are still spoiled brats (thanks, but no thanks).

We all have to do what is best for our own family!

 

[DVCJones]

I just want to say, that sometimes it does work out. We had an amazing agency, Concern, and the process was great. We applied in May, approved in July, got our daughter in October and got a call in Febuary to take a baby brother. Last year, we had the opportunity to get a newborn boy from the hospital that was another bio sibling...My hubby would not budge!

I think communication is the key with the caseworker. We expressed that under no circumstance can we have a child live with us and then have to return it. Our daughter was in the system for 15 months. This is the time frame where the judge will change the goal from reunification to adoption. There was very little legal risk involved with her. Our son, had zero risk, he was in the system since birth.

Total cost was $75.00, total time from placement until adoption was 1.5 years. We adopted both in the same ceromony on July 30th of 2008.

We are in Disney's Hilton Head Island resort as I type this....showing my kids what family time is like and about.

Just wanted to say that there are positives. Our friend, same agency, got an 18 month old boy. They will be final within a few weeks.

Wow, what a wonderful story. My friend was also very lucky. She adopted her son from the State when he was 10 months old.

 

[NotUrsula]

I mean, the OP has stated that she's heartbroken over this, why try to make her feel badly about something she doesn't have a whole lot of control over? She's trying to come to terms with having an only child not asking why we felt we must have more than one child.

While I agree that it is unkind (and incredibly short-sighted) to make statements like, "I'd never do that to my child", the OP is not just trying to come to terms with having an only child. She is also trying to decide whether or not to take irrevocable steps to prevent ever having another biological child, or indeed, ever being pregnant again.

That's a bit more complicated, and deserves a complicated answer from those of us who THOUGHT we were going to be the parents of only children and discovered that fate had dealt us another hand after all -- sometimes when we were over a decade older than the OP currently is.

 

[Buckalew11]

DD, 15, is our one and only. We've always been very happy with our family and neither of us has had the desire to have more children. Over the years, I have thought how wonderful it would be to have a son, but that's partly because I have 2 very loving nephews.

My DD seems to be perfectly happy being an only.

I was the youngest of 3 and from the time I was 12 on I was at home a lone like an only. I loved that time with my parents (even if I was a teen) and I think that was when I thought being an only would be nice. I am very close to one sister but she does not live near me so I miss her and pine for her. My other lives close and I never see her or hear from her unless I am cutting her hair. It is a relationship filled with resentment moreso than love.

I'm the type person who loves to surround myself with hand-picked family. I have dear friends who are like sisters to me. I have volunteered my heart to the kids at our local college who are away from home and family.

There are so many kids out there who need to be loved, need individul attention etc. that I find I'm able to put myself in the loving mom type role in many places and lives---not just under my own roof. JMHO.

 

[mrsv98]

DD is an only and while she did ask for a little sister when she was younger, at 9yo she knows it is good to be the Princess!

Seriously, I lost her twin at about 10 weeks and the following months were so emotionally exhausting, I couldn't go through it again. I bled for weeks, had terrible back pain and was essentially miserable for 7 months. Maybe I am selfish to not have tried again, but our little family feels right to us. It does help that DD has 14 cousins, lots of aunties and uncles and grandparents who adore (and spoil) her so she is never short for company.

I do worry that she will be alone when she is older because I was too cowardly to try again, but she is a wonderful child, bright and happy with many interests and empathy galore so I think we are doing a good job with her.

In the end, only you and your DH can decide what is best, but please don't think being an only will scar your child.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

While I agree that it is unkind (and incredibly short-sighted) to make statements like, "I'd never do that to my child", the OP is not just trying to come to terms with having an only child. She is also trying to decide whether or not to take irrevocable steps to prevent ever having another biological child, or indeed, ever being pregnant again.

That's a bit more complicated, and deserves a complicated answer from those of us who THOUGHT we were going to be the parents of only children and discovered that fate had dealt us another hand after all -- sometimes when we were over a decade older than the OP currently is.

No one else's posts bothered me except for yours. I know I can't stop anyone from judging me and I accept that but this just seems particularly nasty. As if losing a 3rd child isn't enough pain to live through. If other people could accept that much risk if trying for another pregnancy then more power to them, but who are you to infer that I haven't already suffered enough? As if I should keep trying for another 10 years? At what point would you consider my suffering enough to justify making this choice that you obviously disagree with?

 

[WDWKOOK]

Myself, my DH, my DD (10) and my MIL are all only children (by choice), and none of us would want it any other way!

Here is a list of some "famous" only children:

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Ansel Adams

Steve Allen

William A. Anders

Hans Christian Anderson

Christina Applegate

Lance Armstrong

Lauren Bacall

Burt Bacharach

Jeff Bagwell

John the Baptist

Candice Bergen

Frank Borman

Bill Bradley

Carol Burnett

Mark Burnett

Laura Bush

Ada Byron

Roy Cohn

Chelsea Clinton

David Copperfield

Walter Cronkite

Leonardo da Vinci

Sammy Davis Jr.

Robert De Niro

Nick Faldo

Gerald Ford

E.M. Forster

Indira Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi

Sarah Michelle Gellar

Rudolph Giuliani

Tipper Gore

Cary Grant

Alan Greenspan

Teri Hatcher

William Randolph Hearst

Lillian Hellman

Anthony Hopkins

Gayle Hunnicut

Samuel L. Jackson

Shirley Jones

Tommy Lee Jones

James A. Lovell

China Kantner

Alicia Keys

Ted Koppel

Lenny Kravitz

Charles Lindbergh

John Lennon

Phil Lynott

Jesse Metcalfe

Joe Montana

Iris Murdoch

Isaac Newton

Al Pacino

Gregory Peck

Matthew Perry

Cole Porter

Natalie Portman

Ezra Pound

Enoch Powell

Elvis Presley

Lisa Marie Presley

Daniel Radcliffe

Nancy Reagan

Condoleezza Rice

LeAnn Rimes

Eleanor Roosevelt

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Richie Sambora

Jean Paul Sartre

Brooke Shields

Frank Sinatra

Kirsten Smith

Danielle Steel

Barbra Striesand

Charlize Theron

John Updike

Betty White

Robin Williams

Tiger Woods

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

DH and I have been together for almost 19 years. Our DS is 13. He is PURPOSELY our only child.

I always knew I wanted a child. ONE child.

I was an only until I was 10. I don't like my sister, we don't speak to each other, we aren't friends. Another sister surprised my parents the year I got married. We are virtually strangers - I have never lived in the same house with her. I am old enough to be her mother. I don't really speak to her much, either, because we have NOTHING in common other than our parents. I would imagine my mom wishes her daughters all got along and whatever, but that will never be the case.

DH is an only child. He doesn't regret not having siblings. His mom died in 1991, and his dad died in 1996. Yes, it was difficult but having siblings wouldn't have necessarily made it any better.

Our DS has known all along that there would be NO siblings. He will tell you he doesn't want siblings. It is FINE to just have one child.

If people want to judge and flame, that's fine with me. Judge and flame. I have my only child and I am very happy.

 

[Sleepy]

Our son is almost 18. We have absolutely no regrets that he is the only one. He says he is happy being an only.

 

[labdogs42]

As a parent of an only child, I (and my hubby) have no regrets. We have a happy, well-adjusted child. But I do get angry when people tell me that I'm selfish ( I had a co-worker say that to my face.) and that I'm ruining my child by not giving her a sibling relationship. I don't understand the underlying anger or resentment of people towards those of us who have only children (whether or not we choose it or not).

Yeah! I'm an only with an only and I love it! I hate people who make rude comments about my choice. It cracks me up when people tell me things like, "you don't act like an only child." Uh, stereotyping much?

I can't speak from a parents point of view, but I am an only child so I can speak from that. I loved being an only child.

As a kid, I was always included in the "adult" things so I was always more mature. I wasn't spoiled or over-indulged, in fact my mum always made sure I knew there were other kids who had less then me. We donated 1/2 my Halloween candy to the hospital for kids who didn't get to go trick-or-treating and at Christmas we went shopping at the toy store where I would use part of my savings to buy gifts for kids who wouldn't otherwise get anything. (I do a big shop each year now to carry on the tradition.)

Even now that my mum has been diagnosed with terminal cancer I don't regret being an only child. I have seen the disgraceful behavior of some siblings when a parent dies and am glad there will be none of that. If there comes a time when a choice has to made with regards to life support I'm glad I will not be challenged there either. As if that isn't going to be hard enough, I can't imagine arguing over it. And I am glad that I could move home to care for her without any jealousy or arguments there either.

I will be sad that my small family will be even smaller, but it's not the number of people who make a happy family it's the love you share. I remember my husband (years ago, back in high school) having a huge family Christmas. I remember thinking that must be nice. Then he told me he was envious of me, with just my mum and I, and our small holiday. We always had so much fun playing games, watching movies, and ordering dinner in!

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on, I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I wouldn't change being an only child for anything. And I don't feel anything lacking, either.

Thanks for offering this great perspective (and I'm sorry to hear about your mom). I'm also an only and I loved it. I hope DS will be as happy as an only as I am. I think he will be. He's just meant to be an only. I can't describe it any other way.

BTW, parents of onlies, please join us on this thread when you get a chance! I love talking to other parents of onlies!
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2016545

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

I was just reading the "how old is too old" to have a child thread and it got me thinking - I am 34 and I need to make a decision soon if I want another child. After 3 miscarriages (the most recent in the 2nd trimester last year) a big part of me just wants to pack it in. I just went back to work full-time after being a SAHM for over 2 years and I'm not sure I am ready to go back to being at home full-time again.

I feel so torn - I would love another baby, but I don't think I could emotionally handle another miscarriage.

If you only had one child, how did it turn out? Did you ever regret your decision? Did you find peace with your decision?

My DH is an only child and he is amazing man so that is comforting.

Thanks in advance to everyone who decides to share.

OP we only have one child, we do not regret it b/c it's not something we could control, it literally was a life and death situation for me. We didn't choose to have an only child, it just worked out that way. Our DS is exactly what we asked for. We wanted our first child to be a boy more than anything. Our DS will tell you that being an only child is great and he wouldn't change it for the world! We do a lot of things that we couldn't do, or would be hard to do if we had the 3 or 4 children we planned. Our life is busy running DS here and there for activities, etc. As for the SAHM, I am one and we wouldn't have it any other way, we know it is the right decision for our family. Emotionally speaking, it was one of the hardest decisions ever for me/us, logically/physically speaking, it was one of the smartest decisions ever for me/us. It is a decision you and your DH must make. Wishing you well

 

[LadyShea]

After 14 years childless due to infertility, we became parents through a surprise independent adoption (we met through a friend of a friend type situation).

DS3y is awesome (truly an almost perfect kid it scares me sometimes), we have a great open adoption relationship with his birth parents, and we really work well as a family. All my friends are either pregnant or nursing their second babies now, and I find I have zero desire for another one, frankly.

Part of it, I am sure, is we just feel so blessed and fulfilled that we got to be parents at all.

 

[Karibeth19]

I know a lot of only children that have trouble to adjusting to the fact that the whole world doesn't revolve around them, and I know very few that DON'T act that way.

I think that's a very harsh statement to make. While that may apply to the only children you know personally, it is unfair to paint all only children with such a broad brush. I am an only child, as well as my DD, and I can tell you that I certainly DON'T act that way, and I am doing everything in my power to make sure I raise my DD not to act like that. My SIL, however, was the baby of the family, spoiled rotten, and still believes the world revolves around her. Being self-centered is NOT mutally exclusive with being an only child.

OP, you need to do what is best for you and your family, but I want you to know that it is OK for a child to be an only. I had pneumonia three times before the age of three, and by then, my mom and dad were too emotionally and physically worn out to consider having another child. I LOVED being an only, and never wanted a sibling. My parents were very loving, allowed me to have friends over whenever I asked, taught me that even though I was the center of their universe, I was not THE center of the universe, and taught me to be thoughtful and respectful of others feelings and needs. I was not spoiled, but just by virtue of being the only child in the family, I was more fortunate than many of my friends, and I was taught to be grateful for that and not take anything for granted. I was also a very imaginitive child, and a very advanced reader because when I couldn't have friends over, I had to entertain myself. Because of that, I excelled in school and the arts.(Look at that list of famous onlies the PP posted! Talk about excelling!) The thought of taking care of aging parents doesn't scare me; my parents have provided well for their future care, and when they're gone, I will (hopefully!) still have DH, DD, my extended family, and DH's family. It will be just fine. (My uncles don't help my mother in caring for my 82 year old grandmother with dementia, so people are correct in saying siblings will be there to help. They aren't always!)

Now, my DD is an only, and I am raising her the same way. We have been fortunate to provide activities and experiences for her that we would have not been able to do if we had more children, and I think she has benefited from that. She is very social, and enjoys having friends around, but has also learned how to entertain herself in interesting and innovative ways. She has cousins on my DH's side of the family, and second cousins on my side that are only a few years older than she is, so she is not missing out on that experience. She has only wished for a sibling once. It's actually a funny story; she was bored one summer day, and said that if she had a brother or sister, she would have someone to play with, and why didn't we have more kids? Later, she invited over a couple of friends, who happened to be sisters, and when they walked in the door, they were obviously fighting. The older sister said to my DD, "You are SOOOOO lucky you are an only child!!". It just goes to show that sometimes, the grass is greener...

I know this is long, but it's an issue that always fires me up. When people say negative things about onlies, I take it personally, because I turned out just fine, DD is turning out just fine, and I hate it when people make generalizations like that. OP, do what is right for you. You will love your children, no matter how many you have, and you will make sure to do what's best for them so they will grow up to be happy, secure, well-adjusted adults. It will be just fine, whether there's one or five!

 

[The Orchid]

I only ever wanted my daughter and never even thought of having a second child. Robin just turned 18 last month and I do not regret my decision. She is a very good girl with a head that is screwed on tight. She has not suffered for not having a sibling. Besides, the kid plays eleven musical instruments....between the instruments, the lessons, the contest fees, and endless reeds, I couldn't afford a second one! The first one was expensive enough, thank you very much! No really, she has made me very proud and filled my home with music. Not only that but she always goes to see Harry Potter with me at midnight! What more can any mom want?

 

[Gabes_mommy]

BTW, parents of onlies, please join us on this thread when you get a chance! I love talking to other parents of onlies!
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2016545

I favorited this thread and I will definitely check it out later.

I wish I could just see the future and know if DH and I were going to have any future children or miscarriages. It is by far the biggest question I have - it's such a huge unknown. Sigh.

 

[dianeschlicht]

I'm going to answer from a bit of a different perspective. I am an only child OF an only child. Being the only child and the only grandchild on both sides did have a few perks, but all in all, I really missed having siblings. Now that I'm in my 60's, I miss having family. My parents and grandparents are all gone, and my only family is my DH and our 2 kids. Our kids are 6 years apart, and I was getting worried that we would have yet another "only" generation. Sad to say, neither of my adult children have children either, and since one is 40 and the other is 34, it isn't looking like it's going to happen at all.

Even if you need to adopt to make it happen, I'd suggest giving your child a sibling.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I'm going to answer from a bit of a different perspective. I am an only child OF an only child. Being the only child and the only grandchild on both sides did have a few perks, but all in all, I really missed having siblings. Now that I'm in my 60's, I miss having family. My parents and grandparents are all gone, and my only family is my DH and our 2 kids. Our kids are 6 years apart, and I was getting worried that we would have yet another "only" generation. Sad to say, neither of my adult children have children either, and since one is 40 and the other is 34, it isn't looking like it's going to happen at all.

Even if you need to adopt to make it happen, I'd suggest giving your child a sibling.

Perfectly stated..

Seems many posts are about the here & now. Very few are looking down the road at your child's future.
Of course most only child say it's fine as a child, there are usually many perks that go along with it, I was looking at the bigger picture when the parents are gone.