Parents of only children - any regrets

[MariDisney]

DD will turn 10 in October. I am 40 and DH and I have been trying forever. We've had miscarriages, failed fertility treatments, etc. I don't think I'm too old yet. I feel like I have at least a year or two before I'll feel that way. So, we're going to keep working on it.

I have never felt complete with just one child. I'm working on that. I still feel like there is at least one more out there for me. Like a PP said, I don't want all of the garbage to fall to her when DH and I are older. But, if that's how it's meant to be then that's how it's meant to be.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I do have one sibling myself and we were always relatively close. We did bicker like crazy but we also loved each other a lot.

He and his family moved about 2000 miles away 3 years ago and it's almost like being an only child now. As much as I love him we hardly ever talk. We are both just busy with our individual families and jobs. I have only seen my brother and his family a few times since they moved (twice I think).

 

[CathrynRose]

But now, as I'm older I really feel the void of a sibling. I also see it in my mom.

As stupid as it sounds, I've never been anyone's maid of honor, never anyone's godmother...all those 'honors' have been reserved for siblings. And occasionally it makes me sad.

Yes - completely agree. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, but I totally understand what you're saying.

I always assumed it would be like that too, but I will never forget my DH on the phone when his father was in a coma begging his brother to come for one last trip. He told him no, he would just wait until the funeral to come up, keep in mind it was a holiday weekend so he didn't have the excuse he had to work. I planned the funeral and DH took care of everything else. It was so sad. To this day I can't/won't speak to DBIL because of the way be behaved.

Having a sibling is no guarantee.

That so sad.

I know, you're right - it's not a guarantee. The odd's are better, though.

 

[momof1princess]

Or you could adopt through the US foster care system.


One thing I will add on the "only"
I have an friend that is an Only child. She is in her 40's. Her parents are older and ill. She is the sole responsible party for her parents. She is exhausted.
Now I'm not saying have more children so they'll be someone to take care of you when you are older- I'm just trying to mention the problems that exist down the road sometimes. And I'll add that just because you have more than one doesn't mean that they'll all come together in a time of need.
So there- I have reasons pro and against. I have 4 children. They have friends that are onlies. I do find they are the ones banging on my door looking for someone to play with.

i certainly could...unfortunately, according to a long-time friend who is a local social worker, the vast majority of children in our local foster-care system go back to their parents (usually over and over again), and i am not emotionally prepared to have a child ripped away from me, perhaps multiple times, on a judge's whim. i wish i had never posted to this thread.

 

[Darsa]

My DD13 is an only; I had nine brothers and sisters and my DH had one sister who he has *never* gotten along with, up to this day. DD and I talk about this sometimes, and I truly do think that she mostly likes being the only. She was also an only grandchild on my family's side for a while too, and there were a lot of people who voiced concerns that she'd be enormously spoiled and therefore a gigantic brat. She was definitely spoiled but she is the sweetest, kindest, most gentle teenager that I could have asked for. I tell her now and then that I didn't have any other kids because she was always just so awesome that I was afraid of what I'd get a second time

She has a female cousin on DH's side who's 2 months older than her that she sees a LOT, and she has a male cousin who's 15 to bicker with. So she's not really missing much of that stuff, heh heh.

So anyway, I guess my thought is do what you think is best. I don't see anything wrong with having children anywhere through your 30's. My mom was 39 when she had my youngest brother (who was an oops but we never said that to him!).

 

[Gabes_mommy]

i certainly could...unfortunately, according to a long-time friend who is a local social worker, the vast majority of children in our local foster-care system go back to their parents (usually over and over again), and i am not emotionally prepared to have a child ripped away from me, perhaps multiple times, on a judge's whim. i wish i had never posted to this thread.

I actually used to work at a shelter for foster kids and I've seen how the system works from the inside. My heart breaks for a lot of those kids, but I agree adopting one isn't as easy as it may seem.

 

[mom2aredhead]

For her, it came down to the idea that if she had a 2nd child it would be to give her 1st one a sibling not b/c she had a burning desire. As much as I love my brother and love watching my kids play together, my BFF is right. This decision is 100% about you (and partner), your 1st born will be fine either way

I totally agree.
I have an only, by choice. Occasionally there is the "what if..." thought, but then I go and visit my SIL that has 4 kids in her house and I am instantly cured. I did not have a great experience being 1 of 3 kids, and that played a lot into the decision to have only one.

And for everyone that mentioned the burden of being sole caregiver for parents etc. etc., I can also attest that siblings do not guarantee that you will have someone there to help you through any rough times. In some cases the siblings themselves can become more of a burden than anything else.

All of which is a lesson - plan ahead, prepare, save, have insurance - long term care insurance, life insurance, prepare a living will, and a regular will, power of attorney etc. so that you do not become the burden regardless if you have 1 child of 12.

 

[EMom]

We tried for years to have a baby. We did everything to have a baby. Surgeries, meds, IUI, IVF, you name it. With 4 IVFs, I became pregnant 4 times and miscarried all 4 times. That nearly killed me.

I didn't have it in me to keep on trying, especially considering the doctors had no clue why my gorgeous embryos didn't develop into healthy babies. I couldn't handle one more miscarriage. We had already spent a small fortune and had enough left to adopt. I wanted a baby yesterday, so we adopted DD. By then, I'm sure we were at least $50,000 in the hole, but it was well worth it.

A few years later, we tried to adopt a bio sibling of DD, but there was a snafu and it went south before it got off the ground. Once we looked into it again after that, Russian adoptions were up to $35,000 and we didn't have a spare $35,000. Plus, they had gotten much more difficult. I wasn't about to try the foster care system in Texas, having worked as an attorney for abused and neglected children. I know too much about that system and what the odds are of ever getting a youngish child. (Slim and none would be generous.) Also, since we'd adopted internationally before, I knew what that entailed and we were simply too exhausted to find a new country, start the process, wait, hope the country didn't shut down, etc.

Basically, between infertility and adoption, we had been beaten down and were just grateful to God for the one amazing child we had. From the instant they placed her in my arms, I decided to concentrate in what I HAD and not what I LACKED. I wasn't going to dwell on the "missing" 2nd child and use energy I could instead devote to DD.

From time to time, we realize she would have liked a sibling. But we did the best we could. And she does have her bio sibling in the US, with whom she keeps contact. So she has a sibling, just not in our home. We can't beat ourselves up over her being an only child. There are worse things. My MIL and her sister were 3 years apart and might as well have been from different planets. No closeness whatsoever. You never know.

 

[Terry36]

I totally agree.
I have an only, by choice. Occasionally there is the "what if..." thought, but then I go and visit my SIL that has 4 kids in her house and I am instantly cured.

I too have an only and I so agree with this. My sister has 4 kids and after being with them I am like so when I get back home I truly enjoy my quiet house of 3.

 

[quentina]

Although I have 3 children, my husband and I were both only children. Both of us loved it. Did not feel like we missed out on anything etc....

I think that is a decision for you to make. It is life altering to you and your family.

I will say that we adopted our 2 youngest. This was done due to the fact that my oldest had no Aunts/Uncles/Counsins etc. I felt if we died early, I wanted him to have the oppertunity to have family.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[quentina]

I actually used to work at a shelter for foster kids and I've seen how the system works from the inside. My heart breaks for a lot of those kids, but I agree adopting one isn't as easy as it may seem.

I just want to say, that sometimes it does work out. We had an amazing agency, Concern, and the process was great. We applied in May, approved in July, got our daughter in October and got a call in Febuary to take a baby brother. Last year, we had the opportunity to get a newborn boy from the hospital that was another bio sibling...My hubby would not budge!

I think communication is the key with the caseworker. We expressed that under no circumstance can we have a child live with us and then have to return it. Our daughter was in the system for 15 months. This is the time frame where the judge will change the goal from reunification to adoption. There was very little legal risk involved with her. Our son, had zero risk, he was in the system since birth.

Total cost was $75.00, total time from placement until adoption was 1.5 years. We adopted both in the same ceromony on July 30th of 2008.

We are in Disney's Hilton Head Island resort as I type this....showing my kids what family time is like and about.

Just wanted to say that there are positives. Our friend, same agency, got an 18 month old boy. They will be final within a few weeks.

 

[NCRedding]

Our DD is almost 17 and an only. We wanted a second child, but suffered secondary infertility, and choose not to do infertility treatments after having a very bad experience with me taking Clomid.

DD as a child asked for sibling maybe two times. Now, she LOVES being an only. Since she was about 14, we've almost always taken a friend with us on vacation for her enjoyment, (and mine). She often tells me when she comes home from friend's homes how happy she is that she doesn't have a sibling.

As to the issue of aging parents, I was one of three children. My older brother passed away 5 years ago, and my older sister moved to the beach (4 hours away) 2.5 years ago, so I know that I will be responsible for the most of the care of my parents, who live 1/2 mile away from me.

I am concerned that DD will have no other family when we pass away (my nephews are 10 years older than she; and DH's nephews and she are not close at all.).

It was the right decision for us.

 

[RadioNate]

I also wanted to add a little from my mom's perspective. She is 60+ and I am her only child. I know she would have liked to have another. She divorced when I was young and never remarried. I don't think she'd ever use the word regret but I know she would have liked more.

She never really had any nieces or nephews. I have 2 cousins (on my dad's side) that I am close to but they don't see my mom. And even though I'm close to my cousin's that sister relationship always comes first even though one of the sister's and I actually closer. I'm no ones aunt and I'll be a long time (if ever) until my SIL has kids.

My cousins are 6 years apart like my kids are. When I was pregnant with DD my aunt and I discussed the age difference. She was dying at the time but she told me how happy she was that she had her second child even though they were far apart and she was content with an only. She told me how people had to encourage her to have her 2nd and how even though the girls didn't always get along, she was glad that they had each other. My aunt died 10 days after my DD was born.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I just want to say, that sometimes it does work out. We had an amazing agency, Concern, and the process was great. We applied in May, approved in July, got our daughter in October and got a call in Febuary to take a baby brother. Last year, we had the opportunity to get a newborn boy from the hospital that was another bio sibling...My hubby would not budge!

I think communication is the key with the caseworker. We expressed that under no circumstance can we have a child live with us and then have to return it. Our daughter was in the system for 15 months. This is the time frame where the judge will change the goal from reunification to adoption. There was very little legal risk involved with her. Our son, had zero risk, he was in the system since birth.

Total cost was $75.00, total time from placement until adoption was 1.5 years. We adopted both in the same ceromony on July 30th of 2008.

We are in Disney's Hilton Head Island resort as I type this....showing my kids what family time is like and about.

Just wanted to say that there are positives. Our friend, same agency, got an 18 month old boy. They will be final within a few weeks.

Thanks so much for sharing your story! I rely a lot in faith in my life and I believe if we are meant to have another child it will happen one way or another. I am so grateful for the one I have already and I am OK with just having him too.

 

[NotUrsula]

The only thing I have to say is why on earth are you so sure that you have to decide now (unless you are considering adopting)? At 34 you are still very young; you have plenty of time to make this decision. I didn't have my first until I was 35.

I now have a 2 yo and a 12 yo, and there were a LOT of miscarriages in between them, including a 2d trimester loss to T21. DS really was not happy to learn that he was about to lose only child status, and it took quite a while for him to adapt, but now he's gotten used to having DD around and can have fun with her. (My only medical-type tip is that if you haven't already done so, you might consider routinely taking MASSIVE doses of Folic Acid as a regular practice. It won't hurt you unless you have Pernicious Anemia.) After the second miscarriage we decided that the word TRY was banned from our vocabulary; we just put the BC away but left the rest up to nature, except that when my OB later suggested it I kept taking the FA just in case. "Trying" is exhausting, and the stress of that "can" make you crazy. If you are willing to take life as it comes, I suggest that you get off that pressure path.

I'm a much-younger child who had 3 siblings (my brother has now died). I grew up as the only kid in the house from age 4, but I do have siblings. My eldest sister has a daughter 6 mos younger than I am; when I was a kid she tended to get the mistaken impression that she was entitled to treat me as her daughter rather than her sister, and we still have some issues over that. The next younger sister just resented me because a lot of my daily care devolved on her when I was tiny; we get along fine now. (Though it took me forever to break her of the habit of introducing me as her "baby sister." At age 29, I finally had to say, "I'm 29, and I look it. Do you realize how badly you age yourself when you describe me as your "baby" sister at this point in our lives?" That finally solved the problem, LOL.)

For the OP, I think that their are advantages and disadvantages to both, but in childhood, at least, you really tend not to miss what is outside your experience. If you don't have a second child your first will almost certainly be just fine. Later, when your first is grown, you can explain the medical situation if an explanation is asked for.

 

[Stitchfans]

DH and I have said quite a few times that we wish we had met at a younger age so we could of had at least one more child. My guess is DD15 would of liked a younger sibling to play with.

Oldest DD28 from a previous marriage always said that she wished she had a sibling closer to age even though she loves her sister to death. But with the age difference they really don't have that much in common.

I myself would of loved having a sister. I have/had two younger brothers. They had each other, and it would of been nice to have a sister to talk to.

 

[robinb]

My DD is a one-and-only and I am perfectly happy with it. We never wanted a second child and so we never tried for another one. Of course, Celia wishes she had a brother or sister (or so she tells me!) but it's not her decision .

FWIW, 34 is still pretty young. I had my DD when I was 38.

 

[Laura]

As stupid as it sounds, I've never been anyone's maid of honor, never anyone's godmother...all those 'honors' have been reserved for siblings. And occasionally it makes me sad.

Just wanted to respond to one of your points here. I have two siblings (both married, one had a child), and I have never been a maid of honor or a godmother. I might be a MOH someday if my best friend ever meets Mr. Right.

I totally agree.
I have an only, by choice. Occasionally there is the "what if..." thought, but then I go and visit my SIL that has 4 kids in her house and I am instantly cured. I did not have a great experience being 1 of 3 kids, and that played a lot into the decision to have only one.

And for everyone that mentioned the burden of being sole caregiver for parents etc. etc., I can also attest that siblings do not guarantee that you will have someone there to help you through any rough times. In some cases the siblings themselves can become more of a burden than anything else.

All of which is a lesson - plan ahead, prepare, save, have insurance - long term care insurance, life insurance, prepare a living will, and a regular will, power of attorney etc. so that you do not become the burden regardless if you have 1 child of 12.

I completely agree--and I'm one of 3 siblings, too. DH and I are absolutely going to do our best to make sure neither of us are dependent on our DD when we're older. We would do that no matter how many children we'd have. Our DD is not life insurance or a long-term care provider. She will have her own life to live, and I don't want to be a burden to her in any way.

When my grandmother died last year, her two sons were a pain in the butt to my aunt. Also my MIL has had issues with her brother and SIL in the past over inheritance, before her mother even died! I work with survivors of deceased folks and I see how siblings deal with each other after their parents pass away. It often isn't pretty.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I am an only child & it is something I would never do to a child.

I have spoken to my Mom & she says she wishes she had one other child as well. More for my benefit.....

 

[Gabes_mommy]

The only thing I have to say is why on earth are you so sure that you have to decide now (unless you are considering adopting)? At 34 you are still very young; you have plenty of time to make this decision. I didn't have my first until I was 35.

I now have a 2 yo and a 12 yo, and there were a LOT of miscarriages in between them, including a 2d trimester loss to T21. DS really was not happy to learn that he was about to lose only child status, and it took quite a while for him to adapt, but now he's gotten used to having DD around and can have fun with her. (My only medical-type tip is that if you haven't already done so, you might consider routinely taking MASSIVE doses of Folic Acid as a regular practice. It won't hurt you unless you have Pernicious Anemia.) After the second miscarriage we decided that the word TRY was banned from our vocabulary; we just put the BC away but left the rest up to nature, except that when my OB later suggested it I kept taking the FA just in case. "Trying" is exhausting, and the stress of that "can" make you crazy. If you are willing to take life as it comes, I suggest that you get off that pressure path.

I just wanted to respond to this. We are not "trying" - I will never "try" to get pregnant again. It is entirely too stressfull. Prior to conceiving our DS my DH and I suffered 2 miscarriages, years of infertility and then finally turned to fertility treatments and got pregnant on our 2nd IUI cycle. The miscarriage I had last year was the result of a total surprise pregnancy as DS was only 1 at the time.

At this point what I am considering is taking permanent precautions to prevent pregnancy. My biggest issue is the fear of having yet another miscarriage. When I was lying on the table in the hospital last year in surgery prep I told my DH I never wanted to go through that again and he agreed. To me a pregnancy is the possibility of another huge heartbreak and I don't want to go through that again.

It may seem silly to think through all this instead of just "letting things happen", but like I said, it may just be too big of a risk for me emotionally.

Thanks for all the responses so far. I guess this issue is also really at the forefront for me right now because a girlfriend of mine who had a M/C the same time as mine last year is expecting again. She also has a DD who is just a few months older than my DS.