Parents of College Freshman who are now Sophomores... UpDate 7/28/09

[MerryPoppins]

MerryPoppins: I have no issue whatsoever with co-ed dorms. DS has girls across the hall and next door and everywhere else. Doesn't bother me in the least, I think it is a good experience. However, there has become a trend of co-ed roomies and you know, I'm okay with that too except if it is my DS shacking up with his girly, then I have an issue

Oh, I wasn't saying you did have an issue. Just explaining to anyone concerned about co-ed dorms that it was a good experience for me. DS is past the dorm experience, but DD 17 goes to college next fall. I don't think I'd like the co-ed room thing. Not that I don't trust her, but it doesn't appeal to me at all.

It will hit dd16 hardest - they are very close even with the 4 year age difference and have really enjoyed each other on break.

That's so sweet. I'm glad they're so close, even though it makes it hard. DS can be great with DD, but he often distances himself from her. It hurts DD more than she wants to admit to him. I think it all comes down to the fact, that DD was friends with DS's girlfriend before he even met her. So to keep girlfriend all to himself, he keeps DD at arm's length or something. He spends a lot of time sort of talking down to her, but I don't think he's even aware that he does it. Girlfriend says she'd LOVE to come to Disney with us next time, but I fear DS wouldn't be very friendly to DD and she'd be miserable.

Don't get me wrong, they've had fun playing video games together. It's been like old times. But he just throws up this brick wall once in a while. Like when he acts judgemental about any boy he sees her talking to...like she doesn't have any common sense. Ugh.

 

[rascalmom]

Oh, I wasn't saying you did have an issue. Just explaining to anyone concerned about co-ed dorms that it was a good experience for me. DS is past the dorm experience, but DD 17 goes to college next fall. I don't think I'd like the co-ed room thing. Not that I don't trust her, but it doesn't appeal to me at all.



That's so sweet. I'm glad they're so close, even though it makes it hard. DS can be great with DD, but he often distances himself from her. It hurts DD more than she wants to admit to him. I think it all comes down to the fact, that DD was friends with DS's girlfriend before he even met her. So to keep girlfriend all to himself, he keeps DD at arm's length or something. He spends a lot of time sort of talking down to her, but I don't think he's even aware that he does it. Girlfriend says she'd LOVE to come to Disney with us next time, but I fear DS wouldn't be very friendly to DD and she'd be miserable.

Don't get me wrong, they've had fun playing video games together. It's been like old times. But he just throws up this brick wall once in a while. Like when he acts judgemental about any boy he sees her talking to...like she doesn't have any common sense. Ugh.

Mine are a funny pair - Becca is outgoing & adventuresome, Megan is shy and reserved. But they truly are each other's best friends in many ways. Meg is very protective of her baby sister sometimes....she will tell me which movies are ok for Becca to see, etc. Then again, Becca is pretty protective of her big sissy too....when Megan went through a breakup with a long-time boyfriend a few months ago, Becca gave him a peice of her mind the next time she saw him. Knowing Becca - he won't soon forget it!

They do keep their social circles seperate though, even though they share some friends from HS & community plays, choir & drama. So I can see your concerns about ds wanting to keep gf all to himself when dd is around. I can just see Megan's reaction if Becca started dating a boy that was one her buddies!

The video game playing is sweet though - it's nice when they let their hair down & let themselves just "be kids" sometimes.

 

[MerryPoppins]

David's girlfriend is two years older than Amy. They met through a high school church function when girlfriend was a senior and Amy was a sophomore. It does make it a little odd for Amy. They were friends for half a year before David got to know her at OU. Thank goodness it wasn't one of her best friends from school. That would be a disaster. She'd probably hate her brother if he messed with a close friendship.

I'm hoping it'll help next year when Amy is in college too. You know? Maybe then he won't see her so much as a high school kid. But with siblings, who knows? I can't begin to say I understand how his mind works. He has yet to approve of any boy Amy even smiles at. His idea of "safe" guys for her to date are little boys several years younger than she is. I think he has her stuck at about 10 years old. I've got news for him...she's growing up whether he likes it or not.

 

[LaceyLace]

I just stumbled across this thread. Hope it's okay to jump in?

I'm a first time college mom here. My oldest is a freshman going to a college about 20 hours away. He was fine (at least he acted fine) when we drove him out there end of August. I, however, was not! Then Thanksgiving hit.... he became homesick. From that point on, he began counting the days until Christmas break... and texting me constantly.... 12 more days Mom! 11 more days Mom.... etc. etc. etc.

He had a three week Christmas break at home. I LOVED every minute! (well, except the huge grocery bill again...). Anyways, he flew back to college life yesterday. I thought he'd be fine going back, but no. He's homesick already, and he's only been there one day!

Have any of you dealt with this before? I don't know what advice to give him to help him through. I know he won't quit (or at least I hope not...). But it's hard knowing your child (albeit a grown child) is 20 hours from home and miserable about it. It surprises me actually. He never was one to get homesick going away to camp or whatever.

I love my son, but I can't stand the 3-4 phone calls/text messages a day.

Any advice for me? for him?

 

[mamacatnv]

I just stumbled across this thread. Hope it's okay to jump in?

I'm a first time college mom here. My oldest is a freshman going to a college about 20 hours away. He was fine (at least he acted fine) when we drove him out there end of August. I, however, was not! Then Thanksgiving hit.... he became homesick. From that point on, he began counting the days until Christmas break... and texting me constantly.... 12 more days Mom! 11 more days Mom.... etc. etc. etc.

He had a three week Christmas break at home. I LOVED every minute! (well, except the huge grocery bill again...). Anyways, he flew back to college life yesterday. I thought he'd be fine going back, but no. He's homesick already, and he's only been there one day!

Have any of you dealt with this before? I don't know what advice to give him to help him through. I know he won't quit (or at least I hope not...). But it's hard knowing your child (albeit a grown child) is 20 hours from home and miserable about it. It surprises me actually. He never was one to get homesick going away to camp or whatever.

I love my son, but I can't stand the 3-4 phone calls/text messages a day.

Any advice for me? for him?

Of course it's okay to jump in, I was pretty pathetic back in August, but it was sure nice to talk with parents who were in the exact same place I was. I'm so sorry your DS is so homesick, I know of 2 of DS's friends who returned at Christmas from schools further away and they are staying home. My DS has a friend in the dorm who hates it, the kid wants to go into the military but promised his parents to give college a try first.

Does your DS enjoy school and is he doing well? Does he keep himself busy, has he gotten involved? Does he work part time or have some diversions? Does your Univ. have a parents network? Perhaps you will find other parents in the same boat who might be able to offer some of their experiences.

My DS is very social and athletic, he plays ultimate frisbee every night with several dorm mates. Anything where there is free food and he is most likely to be close by. DS and his roomie are not friends and they are not enemies, they just co-exist with each other and it seems to really work. DS said he has gotten used to it and likes it, he feels he can close his door when he is done being social and he does not have to "entertain" his roomie.

Just a thought but maybe start answering fewer of his messages or taking longer etc. I know for me that is torture but I found myself not getting enough sleep because I was up too late with DS's text (in the beginning) I finally started telling him I was off to bed etc. This helped us both wean off of the constant texting.


I hope it gets better for your DS. Thanks for sharing

 

[mickeysgal]

I just stumbled across this thread. Hope it's okay to jump in?

I'm a first time college mom here. My oldest is a freshman going to a college about 20 hours away. He was fine (at least he acted fine) when we drove him out there end of August. I, however, was not! Then Thanksgiving hit.... he became homesick. From that point on, he began counting the days until Christmas break... and texting me constantly.... 12 more days Mom! 11 more days Mom.... etc. etc. etc.

He had a three week Christmas break at home. I LOVED every minute! (well, except the huge grocery bill again...). Anyways, he flew back to college life yesterday. I thought he'd be fine going back, but no. He's homesick already, and he's only been there one day!

Have any of you dealt with this before? I don't know what advice to give him to help him through. I know he won't quit (or at least I hope not...). But it's hard knowing your child (albeit a grown child) is 20 hours from home and miserable about it. It surprises me actually. He never was one to get homesick going away to camp or whatever.

I love my son, but I can't stand the 3-4 phone calls/text messages a day.

Any advice for me? for him?

Does he like school but is just homesick or is he both homesick and also disliking the school? Maybe he's not ready to move so far away. It's hard to realize how tough things can be until you're actually immersed in them. Has he talked about transferring to a closer school or staying at home while going to school? It's faily common for a school to not be the perfect fit that you thought it would be. I'd hate to see my child miserable. Perhaps he's just not ready for a 20 hour away school. I know that when we moved cross country for DH's new job, we were in our 40's and it was tough - awful tough. Our kids were miserable; we were homesick for about a year. You've got to give these kids credit - moving away, alone, meeting new people, etc. They're a lot tougher than some of us adults would be!

 

[Green Tea]

I just stumbled across this thread. Hope it's okay to jump in?

I'm a first time college mom here. My oldest is a freshman going to a college about 20 hours away.

Mine is that far away too. Do you get crazy looks from other parents like how could you let him go out of state and so far away??

I haven't dealt with the homesickness. But I bet once classes start back this month he'll get back ion the pre Thanksgiving mindset. That Thanksgiving then exams and home again is tough when a kid hasn't been home before. They get a few days of the easy life, then are sucked into the exam frenzy. Once things get back to normal with classes, I bet it will be good again.

 

[Lynn CC]

I just stumbled across this thread. Hope it's okay to jump in?

I'm a first time college mom here. My oldest is a freshman going to a college about 20 hours away. He was fine (at least he acted fine) when we drove him out there end of August. I, however, was not! Then Thanksgiving hit.... he became homesick. From that point on, he began counting the days until Christmas break... and texting me constantly.... 12 more days Mom! 11 more days Mom.... etc. etc. etc.

He had a three week Christmas break at home. I LOVED every minute! (well, except the huge grocery bill again...). Anyways, he flew back to college life yesterday. I thought he'd be fine going back, but no. He's homesick already, and he's only been there one day!

Have any of you dealt with this before? I don't know what advice to give him to help him through. I know he won't quit (or at least I hope not...). But it's hard knowing your child (albeit a grown child) is 20 hours from home and miserable about it. It surprises me actually. He never was one to get homesick going away to camp or whatever.

I love my son, but I can't stand the 3-4 phone calls/text messages a day.

Any advice for me? for him?

Hugs to you and your son I know what your going through. My son is a college senior in his last semester. He had a tough time adjusting to the dorm in his freshman year. He got an apartment after that year, it's hard to believe this is his last year for the lease.
Either your son will adjust or he won't, either way let him know you are there for him or think of ways to make changes that he will be happy either there or a transfer to another college. It's nice that your son is close to you and feels the need to talk to you to get through this tough time in his life. It will make you even closer than you two already are. You'll both get through it!
Don't you hate that unsettling feeling when everything is as you thought it would be?

 

[FINFAN]

Hi LaceyLace...my DD is that far too ( We live outside Chicago and DD attends in Sarasota) DD said thet most of her friends( this is the freshman year for them all) she reconnected with over break were not all that happy with their schools/situations. She said she felt guilty that she loved hers...so it is VERY common...and these kids were confiding in each other, not sure how many parents are aware of it. Sometimes it is simply connecting with a few friends, someone to eat with etc that gets the ball rolling, sometines the school just isn't the right match even tho the academics amy be right on for their major. Maybe it is simply the "I can't just head home when I want" issue doe to the distance. I had the opposite in college as I was at a state school but it was nicknamed the "suitcase" school 'cause 1/2 the place packed up every weekend and headed home. It made it hard to get to know kids, it really did.
I think a lot of kids will be in a flux of change over their schools, the economy is sadly requiring a lot of kids not be able to afford to attend and lots of kids are checking out different alternatives. Maybe your DS just hasn't gotten comfortable yet, it can take time, or maybe he environment is really differnt than home and even tho he THOUGHT he would like it, he doesn't...all normal. As far as dealing with his calls/texts, I know it is upsetting but just really be there for him...maybe don't call back immediately..but if he needs to vent, let him do it. My friends son went thru this his freshman year, it did drain her, but after coming home for the summer and not having the freedoms that he had at school, and being told if he moved back home he would have to pay rent, he decided that college wasn't so bad after all. They did agree ona private room to improve his situation...does your DS get along w/his roommate?
to you, and I think things will improve, but if not, certainly try and help him seek alternative options. With the cost of time and money, you really want him to be in en environment that he can succeed in and that is healthy for ALL of you!
Hang in there,

Pam

 

[LaceyLace]

Aww, thanks for all the words of encouragement.

Classes started for him today, so I'm hoping he'll be too busy to be homesick.

His problem, I think, is that he's very quiet. Not social whatsoever. It takes a LOT for him to make friends and be at ease/comfortable with them. I personally think he needs to meet a girl That would solve his homesickness for sure!

I think what I'll do is wait until he finishes out his first year, and then re-evaluate the situation, perhaps look into transferring to another college. Although that won't help with the social aspect of college life...

Well, it's 11:52 a.m. and no text or phone call yet!

 

[RitaE]

see? That's good.

I'd just let him take the lead. If he wants to transfer, say

"Oh, ok"
"So have you filled out the applications yet?"

Don't be against it, but don't facilitate it either. If he bothers himself to go through all the work to do the transfer, you'll know it is important to him. If he doesn't, then most likely he just wants to vent and complain to Mom a little.

And sure, there is no Mom law that says you have to always be immediately available. If it is a true emergency, they'll find a way to contact you.

 

[mamacatnv]

Picked up son from his dorm on Monday - helped him dust, scrub the desk & dresser tops etc. (I want my deposit back ) loaded up the van with all the big stuff, rolled up the girly posters, checked the drawers etc. He had been bringing the small stuff home in his car the week prior.

His bedroom looks like a garage sale gone bad, there are piles of crap everywhere

1st semester grades - Great
2nd semester - decent but could be better
He discovered:
girls, alcohol, co-ed parties, a host of spring events and did I mention girls

He has been offered a Resident Aide position in his dorm of choice for next year but not sure he wants to do it. "Doesn't want to have to enforce a bunch of stupid rules that he doesn't believe in" allrighty then..........did I mention free room and board come with that position.

So, he and I spent all day yesterday looking at off campus student housing. Actually found 2 very nice options, still "dormlike" with roomies etc. but everyone has their own lease and they have full kitchens, are furnished and have private baths. When totalled with an estimated allowance for groceries etc. works out to be about 1/2 the cost of an on campus dorm. The only downside is that they are 12 month leases. They begin in August and end in August so he would not be coming home at Christmas and summers. He doesn't see what the issue is but that is a big reality check for me. It is more permanent.

Still an undeclared major but leaning heavily towards a major in Community Health which would take him to Physical Therapy BUT contemplating WildLife Management and taking a couple of "exploratory" classes next year. Well, now is the time to be exploring I guess

He made a ton of new friends and was sad since he is a "local" and the majority of them are not, they were packing up and leaving and he was missing them already! There were many tears and lots of hugging going on in the dorm but this time it was the kids and not the parents
There are plans in the works for a July get together in Santa Cruz, CA. (my teen summer stomping grounds) My husband immediatly said "oh son, that would be fun, we can tow the camper over to the beach" if looks could kill DH would be dead.........the horror that DS tried to immediatly wipe off his face was soooo funny!

We had the "you are home" talk the other night at dinner:
"take out the trash"
"Pick up your crap, do not leave a mess in the kitchen"
"please leave work schedule and advise if you will be home for dinner"
"if you are going out, please let us know and if you are not coming home send a text so we don't panic when we wake at 3 a.m. to pee and you are not there"
and then I added "oh, and if the dishwasher needs to be emptied, do it"
The silence was deafening
he looks at me.....
looks at his Dad.........
looks at his sister............ Gotta love 10 year olds, she says "Hey, other than the not coming home all night thing, I got the same speech last week, deal with it and don't mess up MY bathroom" I was

So are your kids home? How was their first year? Did they have fun? (Mine had a blast)

 

[mouseclick1]

Ha ha, MamaCatNV , I could have written your post!! "A garage sale gone bad" totally cracked me up, what a great way to describe my son's room! And the part about the dishwasher, when I told my son to empty it for the first time after he returned, he actually turned to me and asked, "are you serious?" Ha ha ha, um yeah, I'm serious! He has also, much to my dismay, discovered parties and drinking, something he stayed away from all through high school.

It's been a bit of an adjustment, but pretty minor really, and I am definitely glad he is home!

 

[Mermaid02]

Sounds like my daughter's first year also! First semester she did great... 3.2something... this semester she still did well, 3.09 but could have done much better. She is local too and is missing her friends from "away"...

She came home last Friday and 2 days ago my husband started in on her stuff being "everywhere" (another yard sale gone bad ) but she started working on it yesterday.

 

[donac]

I guess I am a lucky one. 1st semester 3.6 2nd semester possible 3.8

My ds is also a neat freek. Nothing was left in any place except his room. His room is messy by his standards but he has only been home a week and he is trying to find places for his things. KNowing him he will get there.

He once cleaned his room and it looked like he had moved out.

 

[Green Tea]

Grades were great. At least I think they were second semester too. He says so, but the finals have not come out yet. Mine stayed in the college town for the summer to continue his part time job (full time for summer.) I am having a hard time with this. I never expected him not to be home this first summer.

To the poster mentioning the Aug-Aug lease. It might be fine for you. ,Just because he has the place doesn't mean he has to stay there. My ds is subletting a senior's room in an off campus place for the summer. Mine will go back to sophomore housing next August and this kid on the lease will be back to town to take his rightful spot in the senior house.

After day one as a grownup-no dorm or meal service, he called lonely and hungry and afraid of how he is going to make ends meet with what he is making. And tired because he had to get up SO EARLY to get to work on time. Yeah, um, 7:30. Not so much sympathy on that one!

 

[MsAmerica]

It is hard to believe a year ago I was worrying about what the weather would be like for prom and graduation and now our DD has a year under her belt. The year went by SO fast!

Our DD did really well in school also. She got a 3.50 first semester and a 3.54 second semester and had the lead in the spring musical which kept her extremely busy.

I am so glad she is where she is because it has been a perfect fit for her. The second she walked onto that campus she loved it and I am so happy she continues to love it!

All in all, it has been a wonderful experience for all of us.


MsA

 

[Praying Colonel]

Academically, the year went well for DD19. She got a 3.2 in the first semester and 3.4 the second, so she's doing well in the classroom.

Outside the classroom, she's "meh"--not enjoying it, but not hating it, either. She liked her roommate, made some friends but just doesn't like being at a big campus.

She was really hoping to take some time off and do the Disney College Program, but she didn't get accepted , so she's home working a cash register at Meijer. She hates it like poison but knows she needs the $, so she's sucking it up and being a good soldier. I'm proud of her.

She's moving out of the dorm next year and renting an apartment off campus, so she may like things better in that context.

 

[Galahad]

DS had a GREAT year. He's back home but has already started summer classes. Has a 3.924 cumulative so far. Had a killer recital (he's a music student) and lots of great things happening for him. He is one enormous slob though. He's only been home a week and already the place is a disaster. We'll be having a chat this weekend. He's got two summer classes with lots of work and then will be away from mid-June to mid-July.

 

[luvflorida]

Oh, where do I begin?

I guess I should start off by saying that our daughter has ASTOUNDED her dad and me with the way she has grown, emotionally and socially, since last August. I think this first year of college has been one of the best learning experiences of her life.

Again, this is the child we thought wouldn't even stay the first night in the dorm! She is our youngest and yes, I know she's been coddled and catered to by us and by her older siblings. She's also very sensitive and empathetic, and the least independent of our three kids.

This year, we've seen her level of self-confidence and competence soar. She made a ton of friends in her dorm, met a very nice boy, joined a local dance company, attended several dance auditions (with wonderful results) worked part time teaching dance classes at several local dance studios, learned to manage her time wisely, met all of her class/study obligations, and made a lot of decisions that proved to us that she has a good head on her shoulders and a lot of common sense. She's also made a few mistakes along the way, but hopefully, has learned from them. (See the paragraph on managing money).

Academically, she could have done better the first semester, but she came through with flying colors the second semester.

The hardest thing she's had to learn is managing money and budgeting expenses. Just because there is money in the checking account, doesn't mean it's okay to go impulse shopping.

Her biggest hurdle has been deciding on a major and deciding what career path to follow. She switched majors three times this year, and is still not sure what she wants to do. So, she has made the decision not to return to the U of A, and will be attending the local community college this fall. Her major interests are in the arts, and at U of A, she found it impossible to get into the classes she wanted to take. In fact, she had a hard time getting almost any class that she was interested in. At the community college, she managed to get into every class she wanted to for this fall.

My husband and I also did a lot of adjusting and growing this year. We've gone from dreading the so-called empty-nest syndrome to enjoying a quiet house. I do question the empty-nest thing, though. Is there really such a thing? We've actually found that there are very few quiet days around here, and that when you send your child off to college, they always come back, and they're never alone. Between older siblings (and their spouses) visiting, and a brand new grandchild, and our youngest bringing home dorm mates and dance friends, we've had a very full house this year!

It has been an amazing and wonderful first year of college for our daughter, and for the rest of us!