Parents: How often do you get a “Break?”

[anotherfakename]

In the middle of a divorce so my answers may be different...typically never.

However, after nearly 4 months of being trapped alone with 3 kids (including a special needs toddler who doesn't sleep), I am nearly broken. I have been piecing my life together via bits of an hour here and there when I can get a neighbor to take him. We are so sick of each other and have done literally every activity possible. Even the tablet doesn't hold his interest anymore.

But when my husband and I were first married with young kids, the marriage counselor recommended a date night at least every 3-4 weeks.

 

[RogueX]

My family is generally willing to have our daughter over if we want a weekend or night out. My in-laws on the other hand don't have any other grandchildren, so they jump at any possibility of keeping her for a few minutes, hours, days, etc. Come to think of it, they're like that with our dog too.

 

[Donald13]

My kids are older, 11 and 14 but we had parents watch them for nights out or away. My oldest was 10 when we did an overnight trip away for the first time. My mom watched them and kept them busy. We have gone away maybe 3 times since then. We both work full time so we need the time away but don’t want to take advantage of our parents.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I spent weekends with my grandparents all the time, and I have nothing but awesome memories.

If my grandbabies were closer, they could be here all the time. I wouldn't mind in the slightest. I have some amazing memories of some of my grandparents. We've kept DGS#2 twice so his mama could go visit his dad in Japan while he was on deployment, and a couple of times so they could have a cruise and vacation time together, and when they last moved.

For us, we occasionally had some help with the kids when DD#2 was younger, and then when she was old enough to babysit, we started leaving DS with her (he was about 3, she was 13) for trips to the store and then for increasingly longer periods of time, but nothing more than 6-7 hours at a stretch, and never overnight. We haven't left the kids on for any vacation time for us, except for our honeymoon (6 nights, 7 days) when DD#2 was 6, and for overnight on NYE a couple of times since. Not that we haven't wanted to , but we didn't have anyone to watch our little ones (that we could fully trust).

 

[Searc]

My wife and I made our marriage a priority throughout. We went on two vacations each year of at least one week in duration, one with and one without our children. We did not spend our money on fancy cars or other things - we spent our money on each other, investing in our relationship. We did not want to make the mistake of becoming "Mom and Dad" to one another - we wanted to constantly remind one another of the reasons that we chose to spend our lives together. It works for us.

I love my children dearly and I cannot envision a world without my wife in it. But that is because, no matter how mundane life got at times, we continually invested in our relationship. Life is never boring if you are spending it with someone that you love. And some day the children will be gone and you will have decades with only the two of you. When you get there, the fires need to still be burning.

Exactly!

 

[barkley]

(including a special needs toddler who doesn't sleep),

i'm so sorry.

my son (autistic) has reverted to a nocturnal waking pattern. he's up all night and sees no issue with waking me up to have a conversation multiple times.

 

[marcyleecorgan]

Maybe 2 times in the last 9 years? IDK, what I do know is that it's easier to just accept it's not a reality and to stop feeling sorry for myself.

 

[LSUmiss]

Parents can steal time for themselves to stay connected as a couple even in their own home without babysitters.

Just a making plans to go out, make plans to stay in.

Easiest, get up early or take a few minutes after the kids go to bed.

Tackle chores together, make a meal, watch a program, play a game, take a walk, if the kids are old enough and can be left for a few minutes alone

It is nice to go out, leave the house and do something together, but not a complete necessity.

That’s how I feel. DH & I insist on a scheduled bedtime for DS & spend every evening together. We also go to lunch during the day sometimes when DS is at his little school. Imo, life is so fleeting & your kids are only little for such a short time that I don’t want to miss it while I’m “on break”. Our break is when he’s sleeping or at school & that’s enough for us. Every now & then someone will watch him for a few hours while we go somewhere, but that was pre-Covid, of course.

 

[RamblingMad]

I have a book for you to read: Confessions of a Domestic Failure. It's great.

 

[mjkacmom]

My kids were on a very strict bedtime schedule too, as a SAHM I was with them all of the time, by 8 I was wiped. Granted, we had several playgroups so I coukd hang out with other SAHM’s, mommy and me classes, but we still had sitters so we could go out with other adults without our kids. Since bedtime was early, when they were little, we’d go out after most were in bed. We always have had several friend groups, and we find friendships to be very important too. It’s interesting, I think we go out separately with friends more often than together, dinner with the girls for me, band practice for DH.

 

[Deb & Bill]

We had 13 years together having fun before we had our one and only son. When we did something he did it, too. He had a baby sitter one time in his life. Once. Other than daycare while we both worked.

 

[Kae]

I also spent a lot time with my grandparents growing up. My kids spent at least 1 weekend at my parents and one at DH's parents a month. We also did one week long trip . Once my oldest go into travel sports we did a lot weekends with the team and my youngest always had the choice to go or stay with the grandparents.

 

[LSUmiss]

We had 13 years together having fun before we had our one and only son. When we did something he did it, too. He had a baby sitter one time in his life. Once. Other than daycare while we both worked.

Yeah that’s another point that can be different for everyone. DH & I had 20 years together before DS. I was also 39 when DS was born. We had our fun. Now the most important for us is our time with DS.

 

[superme80]

We had 13 years together having fun before we had our one and only son. When we did something he did it, too. He had a baby sitter one time in his life. Once. Other than daycare while we both worked.

This was my parents. They were married 7 years before they were able to adopt my sister. I was adopted 3 years later. They loved taking us everywhere. I had my oldest a month after my 1 year anniversary. It has taken my mom a lot of time to realize, DH and I did not get a lot of alone time before the kids have shown up. My dad will take the kids under ANY excuse.

 

[npatellye]

We get the occasional break when my kids will spend a night or two with my parents (they do this maybe 3-4 times a year) and, once a year, when my parents will take them for a weekend to my brother and SIL’s in NJ. They would take them more but, between cheer and competitive dance, my kids are busy most weekends and most days after school. Otherwise, whatever we do or where ever we go, they are with us. We definitely make other time for us to run out and grab lunch while either his parents or mine watch the kids for us. It’s not a lot but it works for us.

Our kids are just turned 5 and 7. I had my fun traveling for over 10 years and my husband and I traveled together for 2 years between dating and us getting pregnant with child 1. We didn’t have kids until he was 34 and I was 32 because I wanted to finish my doctorate before we had a child; we had been married 11 months when she was born, a month after I defended my dissertation, hugely pregnant.

 

[skyblue17]

I am not a parent, but as someone with friends with kids, if you CAN handle letting your wives go on vacation with her friends now and then, please do. It is huge for them, and it's also great for her friends! I am lucky that my mom friends have supportive and willing husbands who understand the value of their wives getting girl time away from the kids.

 

[kymom99]

I think it’s very important to make some time for yourselves for sure. I think an evening out is great. What I don’t get is having to take multiple vacations without kids. There’s time for that later. And if you want to take vacations, hire a sitter to keep the kids. Unless you have a family member who offers to keep them. Don’t put people on the spot. No one likes to be taken advantage of. I personally know young parents who seem to be constantly looking for ways to get awAy from their kids. I don’t understand it.

 

[Searc]

I am not a parent, but as someone with friends with kids, if you CAN handle letting your wives go on vacation with her friends now and then, please do. It is huge for them, and it's also great for her friends! I am lucky that my mom friends have supportive and willing husbands who understand the value of their wives getting girl time away from the kids.

The same goes for husbands.

 

[Minnesota!]

My kids are both teens now so..they don't need anyone to watch them. The answer is 0, though, for when they were younger. Only 1 living grandparent, everyone has their own families, etc. We never felt we needed a break, tbh.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I guess I always wonder why young parents don’t hire a sitter. Nothing wrong with having a life but it seems like hiring someone means you don’t impose on others.
I mean no offense to anyone here. It’s just in my life the younger parents I know seem to think they can only do things if someone will take the kids for free.

I can only speak for DH and I on this. The two biggest reasons we have never really pursued hiring a sitter are that we don't actually know anyone who is/would be willing to sit or anyone who could even give a recommendation, and the cost. We don't really know other parents in any of the areas we've lived (I actually literally know zero people at all in the state we're in now), so we've never really been in a position to hear about sitters that people we trust use or anything like that. It is hard to trust a complete stranger with your kids, especially when they are young. We had a couple of negative experiences with licensed day cares when my DD was a toddler and we were going to college and that has also made me a little more hesitant about hiring a stranger.

Also, when searching online, the cost of sitters has always been around $25-30/ hr for our 2 kids (more when DS was in diapers). Spending over $100 just on childcare so we can see a movie just hasn't been something we can really justify in our budget. We'd rather just stay in and spend that $100 on something we can do together as a family. I have paid my brother or my cousin to watch one or both kids when I've had doctor's appointments, but thankfully they have been more than happy with receiving less than $25/ hr.

We aren't ones who really rely on family to take the kids much either though. We've been able to go out a couple times per year for special occasions with family watching them, but there's never been an expectation or pressure placed if they didn't want to or had something else going on.