Parents Ever Feel Guilty

[HappyLawyer]

Perhaps i just need a dose of prozac who knows but today for some reason i am in depression, i work long hours, i do it to survive and so we can take nice trips, i am a single parent but today i feel guilty for not being there more for my dtr. I call her all day, tell her i love her, check on her, and when i am home or off work, i spend all my free time with her, so much that i do not have any free time or alone time for me. I don't want her to feel ignored or abandoned and from what i gather she does not have those feelings, so why do i? I am in such a slum. Any other hard working parents out there who can relate?

 

[Jacksmom99]

Just want to send you some DH and I both work and while I know it's the best choice for our family, I have always had a some guilt about it. I don't have any profound words of wisdom, but you sound like a very attentive mom and I'm sure your DD feels very loved and very secure.

Take care of your self, too. Moms all need a little pampering time!

 

[briarberry]

Yes, I am also a single mom. I don't work long hours, at least not like you do. I teach school so have summers off but I still feel guilty when it comes to school trips etc. I can never go. My sister is a SAHM and I envy her sometimes.
My DD is 10 so we have just started to be able to have some good trips in the last few years. The memories we have created during those trips willl last a lifetime and if I didn't work we wouldn't be able to travel like we do. We are going through Disney withdrawal this summer because we aren't going! We are actually in England right now visiting my other sister who lives here. We are seeing things that she will always remember.
I think every working mother feels like you do. Just hang in there and I am sure your daughter knows how much she is loved and that is all that really matters in the end.

 

[Alesia]

Parenthood is about guilt. I think all parents feel guilty pretty often. It's because we love our children and want to do what's best for them. Unfortunately, there is no right way to raise children. We are all doing the best we can.

It is very hard on children when their mothers spend all of their free time with them, because when you make your child the center of your world, your happiness depends on them. That's a lot of pressure for anyone, especially a child.

As hard as it is, you should try to make some time for yourself. You are not abandoning you daughter if you take care of yourself. We all need balance in our lives. The best way to show her that you love her is to take care of her mother.

 

[dcforbreakfast]

Parenthood is about guilt. I think all parents feel guilty pretty often. It's because we love our children and want to do what's best for them. Unfortunately, there is no right way to raise children. We are all doing the best we can.

It is very hard on children when their mothers spend all of their free time with them, because when you make your child the center of your world, your happiness depends on them. That's a lot of pressure for anyone, especially a child.

As hard as it is, you should try to make some time for yourself. You are not abandoning you daughter if you take care of yourself. We all need balance in our lives. The best way to show her that you love her is to take care of her mother.

As someone who was a single mom for four years, I TOTALLY agree with Alesia. She is dead on that you have to have fun by yourself too, even if it's just taking a fun class for an hour a week. Happy Mommy= Happy Kid! Even though I was a single mom, I played soccer once a week and for awhile did some kickboxing which I loved and was a fantastic stress reliever (imagined my ex husband on the bag! ha ha).

Especially since you have a daughter, that's even more reason to do some activities of your own and show her by example that you have to take care of yourself too. You don't want her to grow up with the image that a mommy has to be a slave to her child.

Even moms who don't work feel guilty...so you have to let that go. Is your daughter happy? Is she confident and secure and independent?? It sounds like she is and if you've accomplished that, you're doing it right babes! There are TONS of kids who were raised only by their moms who went on to achieve great things and your daughter will too. As long as someone loves them, that's all that matters...and you do!

 

[Microcell]

It is funny, because I am at home with my kids and I feel bad that we can't afford extra things. I may be home with them, but we can't do horseback riding lessons until I can work more, and DD9 wants it soooo badly.

I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

Just to make you feel better, my parents divorced when I was 8 and I became a latchkey kid, and looking back, really the only thing that matters is how much I felt loved. I know my mom loved me as much as she could. The harsh reality for me is she loved drinking more. I think that the amount of hours she had to work was so secondary to anything, that all I really wanted was to know I was most important. I think by your post it is obvious your child is your priority, and the rest of the stuff will work itself out in the end.

As long as she knows that work is a means to an end, that being what is best for her, it will be fine.

 

[hugabearjo]

I too, will put in the Single Mom's prospective. I also work a lot to provide for my 3 boys. I adore them and want them to know they are loved and cherished, yet I have at times felt badly because of lack of time. However, I also realized that my kids are secure because the time we have together is good time. When I was putting in long hours I was tired and my mood suffered. So today it is worth it to not be working those long hours. It took getting hurt and having surgery for me to realize how valuable that was.

Now for the other single mom thought. It is very very hard to find time to get away. It has amazed me how our media, town, church, kids school, friends etc. have rallied around a widowed Mom. Please please don't take me wrong, it always warms my heart to see the community support, but it also hurts that no one notices the single mom, most of us didn't plan it this way, It is a death of sorts. So here is my plea.... please don't forget that single mom's need help to be able to take time for themselves.

Lastly, Happy Lawyer, remember to develop "girl" friends. Women need that support and friendship studies have shown. Yes, take time for yourself, too. Find a balance. I only learned this because I had to after surgery. It was a lesson I wish I had realized long before now. I really hope that I have learned and the long long hours will never come back.

Best of luck,

 

[kpm76]

Hugs to you....you sounds like a great mom! I can't relate completely yet because I am still home with my DD, but plan to return to work in January and even the thought of it right now makes me cry. I love my job and have a great office to return to but it's not the same as being home with my DD. I'm surrounded by friends who are unfortunately having fertility issues and I feel so guilty that I am lucky enough to have a beautiful DD and I am going to put her in daycare. On the other hand, I want my DD to work hard and grow up to be and do anything she wants and I feel like I need to lead by example. This is not a knock on SAHMs at all it's just part of the quandary I find myself in. I think there is always going to be something to feel guilty about....I say the guilty mom gene kicked in as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Good luck to you.....your DD is lucky to have you for a mom

 

[Nanisashi]

Looks like you may be having one of those days . After having my first dd, my respect for single moms skyrocketed . I think you ladies are amazing. I am definitely an "I can clean later" type of mom and try to have as much fun as possible with my girls. I had the "perfect" childhood with a SAHM and a loving dad, and still have issues! Honestly I remember wishing that my mom had a job just like my friends moms! I agree with the other posters about having some time, even just a little for yourself. One margarita with a friend goes a long way!

 

[jakenjess]

I know how you feel, and I know how terrible it is to feel that way. I'm sure you're a wonderful mom (otherwise you wouldn't be feeling this way ) and your DD knows how much you love her. I changed jobs a year ago to one that has much better benefits and pay and more security, less travel, but it also has longer hours and less flexibility. It was (and still is sometimes) so hard! I cried for months, thinking I had made a big mistake, as I missed my kids so much. But we've all settled into the routine now, and are all doing much better. I still have pangs when I miss an activity here and there, but it's okay. I'm sure you'll have ups and downs, but your DD will always have so much respect for how hard you work to provide for her and you're a wonderful role model as she grows up. Best to you and your daughter.

 

[hebbynan]

I understand where you're coming from. I don't think it matters if you're single or married. If you work, as a mom you will feel some kind of guilt. I work. When I was young, my mom stayed at home and the 5 of us lived solely off of my Dad's paychecks. Times were hard and money was tight. I vowed that I would never do that once I had my own family. So, DH and I both work so we can provide things for our children that we never had. Now, we don't overly spoil them, but I remember it was a really special treat to get a BRAND NEW outfit....one that only I had worn! Usually it was hand me downs and they didn't always look the best. We also take a lot of trips together as a family. Am I happy that I can provide those things for my children....yes. Am I guilty that I have to be away 40 hours a week (sometimes a little more) so I can afford those things.....yes! It's a viscious cylce. But knowing that my children are happy, and they appreciate the things they get from us, and they know how much I love them and adore them makes it all worth it.

You sound like a very caring, loving and devoted mom. It may be hard now and for a few years to come. But what you are teaching and instilling in your daughter by your example is priceless! And whether or not you believe it, she'll remember how much you sacrificed for her when she's grown!!

Kudos to you!!!!

 

[Fintastic]

I had to go back to work when DD was six weeks old. Now she's going to be four years old in just a couple of months. It kills me that I'm never going to be a SAHM (particularly since I really hate my job), but I do believe I'm setting a good example for DD. When we were growing up we had to go on welfare in order for my mom to stay home with us, which I feel is dishonest. Welfare isn't there to fund a SAHM lifestyle. I always wished she would get a job like all my other friends' moms. I'm proud that I can afford to give DD experiences I never had growing up (like Disney!), and I love that she has a social circle that is wider than just me and her immediate family. Her friends and teachers at daycare are so important to her.

I would have liked to stay home with her for a year or so (I don't care what anybody says - six weeks is WAY too early to go back to work). But she's a friendly, chatty, loving kid for having so many different people and experiences in her life.

 

[Whosemom]

Sometimes, you just have to laugh at yourself and sing the song from Annie "The sun'll come out TOMORROW, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, they'll be sun..." Are you signing along? Sing as loud and obnoxiously as you can. I'm serious! Identifying the blue funk is step one. Poking fun at it is step 2. It doesn't get rid of it all together, but it'll give a lift as you go through it.

Oh, yeah, I like to "sing" that camp song too "can't go UNDER it, can't go OVER it, can't go AROUND it, gotta go THROUGH it."

And the reality check of a friend in similar circumstances is invaluable. There've been a couple of times I seriously thought I had slipped off the deep end, and after getting the nerve to bring up my issue with one pal or another, having her say, "OMG I'm so GLAD you said that!"

Hang in there, baby!

 

[brandylouwho]

As many previous posters have stated, no matter what you do (stay at home, work, etc.) somehow there is always a bit of guilt and second guessing ourselves that seems to come into play. That is unfortunate because most of the women I know (and I assume most of the women on these boards) are doing the best they can/the best they know how to.


IMHO, I don't think just because you are not at home 24/7 that you aren't "there" for your daughter." Being emotionally available and being reachable (even by phone) is important too. Being physically at home does not necessarily equate to being a better parent(example: you could be a SAHM who watches soaps all day and tells the child to just go play or go watch TV, etc).***NOT saying all SAHMs do that, but I do know at least one who does this and it makes me so sad & angry. Obviously she has issues***

I am fortunate to not be a single mom (but DH and I work fulltime), but even with a rather helpful husband, now that we have 2 kids I find myself rushing about, having less time for either child and sometimes just plain worn out at the end of the day. I felt sooo bad this morning when my 3 year old wanted me to play with her. There is never any time for me to play in the morning. I have lunches & bottles to pack, hair to comb, teeth to brush, a baby to breastfeed, a car to load, you get the picture. There is not much more time in the evenings, although I make a point to give my almost undivided attention to each kid for a while every night, no matter how tired I am.

And even though I know my 3 year old LOVES her daycare (and the 3 mo old does fine there too) it was hard to send them back after my maternity leave this summer.

My long winded point is this: You are not alone in your worries, please do not feel guilty about doing what you need to do to provide for your family (and this includes making a little time for yourself too), your daughter loves you and it is highly unlikely that she feels ignored or abandoned (so just don't worry yourself over this). In fact, your honest, hard working ways are a great example to her.

 

[HappyLawyer]

well also i feel bad because it was not always like this, when her dad and i were together, i did not work as much, when we split, i made sure to ask him his intentions on remaining in her life, well to punish me, he decided to cut her off, he made it clear that if i were to get back with him e would be dad of the year, but if not, he would have nothing to do with her, so he can forget it, so i am playing both mom and dad but it is the little things like being able to take her to fl and on other trips and spending that quality time that makes it all worth while

 

[flipflop]

well also i feel bad because it was not always like this, when her dad and i were together, i did not work as much, when we split, i made sure to ask him his intentions on remaining in her life, well to punish me, he decided to cut her off, he made it clear that if i were to get back with him e would be dad of the year, but if not, he would have nothing to do with her, so he can forget it, so i am playing both mom and dad but it is the little things like being able to take her to fl and on other trips and spending that quality time that makes it all worth while

I'm sorry that is the position her dad is taking. My parents are divorced and it always amazed me that they didn't realize that some of the decisions they made to punish each other really just punished my brother and I.

I am not a single mom but I feel guilty for working too. It's quite the juggling act. I agree with the other posters who said that every parent feels guilty about something. Ease up on yourself.

 

[memobrien]

You know I have to agree with the comment about parenting being about guilt. I have friend who are SAHM and they feel guilty. I have friends who work and they feel guilt. I think we all do. I know I really do. My DH and I planned to work hard to be settled by the time we had kids so that I could be a SAHM. We life doesn’t always work out for you the way you have planned. DH ended up getting sick. When our DD was 2 he went on disability and I was the sole provider for our family. He felt guilty he wasn’t working. I felt guilty she was in daycare for so long. But you do the best you can.

This May (2007) my DH passed away. One of the things I feel most guilty about now is how thinly I am spread as a single parent. I worry that I am really doing my best for her. I think that part of it all.

As for the earlier comment about the support a widow is getting and the community help…let me tell you that is not something to compare it too. The fact is that yes there were people around me…for the first few weeks. But that is it! Also, I have all the concerns and commitments that any other single parent has, PLUS I now get to try to do that with the tremendous weight of my grief, and the weight of the grief my 4 and ½ year old daughter has. Divorce is a loss (my parents were divorced) and my biofather was not in my life. But it is not the same things as a death. That being said…..

No matter how you became a single parent you need time to yourself. I figured out through my husband’s illness that if I didn’t get a break once in a while I was not as good of use to my daughter. Granted that is not always easy to plan…right not my next ME time activity is on September 15th. And I am counting down the time to be able to recharge a little. I use to feel guilty about it. But I know it’s important not just for me, but for my daughter!


Maura

 

[Nanisashi]

I've heard that its impossible to be both mom& dad. All you can do is be the best mom that you can be. My best friend and her husband separated, he cut off all ties too and now she has gone from being a SAHM to working 2 jobs. The sun will come out tomorrow and you will reap the benefits of all of the love and attention you are giving your daughter. Best of luck