Parents - Do you ever feel guilty?

[njmom47]

I don't feel guilty...we have provided what we could for our kids and what they did have/get/experience was good enough for them (they said it!). We have great memories of our travels (in another thread, I mentioned travel baseball) where all 5 of us went and made family vacations out of it. We've had cellphones for almost 10 years. They had name brand shoes or a jacket (although their entire wardrobe was not). They all got cars when they were old enough to drive (money that we had saved over the years). We also have said "no" from time to time.
I think my kids are old enough to realize what we've sacrificed for them over the years, and they are grateful for what they have/had.

 

[ronandannette]

I think I've come to realize you can't do it all. No one can. Even if you tick off every box on a child's wish list they will think of something new they want. Just visit whitewhine.com and read posts by entitled teenagers who got the BMW for their 16th birthday instead of the Lexus they asked for. Even the richest parents will never keep up with the never ending wish list of things and experiences.

I think it is natural to feel a little bit guilty when we can't give our children everything they may want. However, I think it is much better in the long term if they learn early that everything comes with a cost and you have to make choices about how to spend your money and prioritize based on your needs and wants and those of your family.



We do the same thing--and often the memberships are reciprocal to other places, which adds to the value. We just bought annual passes to a local theme park last week. We will spend Easter Weekend in Austria and one of the day will be spent at a theme park that is also free with our annual passes. We will also get a weekend trip to a park in Leipzig and spend a 3 day weekend in the fall at one of our favourite parks (best non Disney park for sure) in The Netherlands. Add in 7 or 8 visits to the local park and 4 or 5 to their wildlife park that is included and our cost per day per park goes down to about 4 euro and we have a ton of fun weekends to look forward to

My thinking is more along these lines. We provided a lot for our DS, both in material goods and experiences; certainly not every opportunity possible, but still a lot. Now that he's 17 and nearing adulthood I wouldn't give a second thought to where we didn't go or what he didn't do. I'm much more concerned that we didn't give him any realistic exposure to the cost (both in dollars and opportunity) of our provision over the years. We initiated him to a lifestyle that he has no idea about how to provide for himself and may be well beyond his reach for a good many years, as it was initially for us. We are trying now to figure out a way to wean him off gradually as we DO NOT intend to subsidize his expectations past the point where he should be independent.

 

[yoopermom]

I feel *guilty* for a slightly different reason: DS is an "only" grandchild (has 3 sets of grandparents since my parents are divorced and remarried), so, when I was laid off for a number of years off and on (he was 8-15), the grands really "picked up the difference" when it came to paying for his summer camps, sporting costs, vacations with them, etc. We never asked, they gladly volunteered, and we always appreciated it, but still....

DS is VERY close to all 6 of them, though, and very appreciative of what all they gave him.

Now we're lucky if we can afford to go see him at college a few times a year!

Terri

 

[dancermommy1]

Really?

Did you go to every park and amusement complex when you were little? Because I sure didn't. If anything, American kids feel a growing sense of entitlement because they have it all. That's what I worry about.

I hope one day to take my son out of school for a summer or a year and spend the time giving back through volunteer efforts around the world to help him understand that there's more to life than Disney, zoos, eating out, and plodding to work 5 days a week.

3/4 of the world will never take a 2 week vacation to anywhere. Count yourself blessed and get over it.

 

[mimmi]

I think it is natural to feel a little bit guilty when we can't give our children everything they may want. However, I think it is much better in the long term if they learn early that everything comes with a cost and you have to make choices about how to spend your money and prioritize based on your needs and wants and those of your family.



We do the same thing--and often the memberships are reciprocal to other places, which adds to the value. We just bought annual passes to a local theme park last week. We will spend Easter Weekend in Austria and one of the day will be spent at a theme park that is also free with our annual passes. We will also get a weekend trip to a park in Leipzig and spend a 3 day weekend in the fall at one of our favourite parks (best non Disney park for sure) in The Netherlands. Add in 7 or 8 visits to the local park and 4 or 5 to their wildlife park that is included and our cost per day per park goes down to about 4 euro and we have a ton of fun weekends to look forward to

We have theme park? I've never heard about an Austrian theme park, where are you going?
I should really get to know my country a bit better.

That's something I feel guilty about sometimes: my daughter has traveled the entire world, but barely knows other parts of our home country, sometimes I think about domestic travels but then the weather gets awful and I dismiss the thought and go somewhere sunny.

 

[Waiting2goback]

To answer the question, yes I feel guilty. I am a stay-at-home dad. My kids don't get a lot of things their friends do because we have one income. But, my son has medical issues so we felt better with one of us home. But, the other 3 kids unfortunately have to make the sacrifice as well.

Having said that, this is my issue. I know I am doing a good job. My kids are very well cared for. The 2 oldest (10 and 6) do competitive dance and gymnastics, respectively. After all the costumes and competition entry fees dance runs us about $400/month. And this year she has a national competition in VA Beach. So add that on top too (this will be our vacation this year). Gymnastics is about $250/month.

When the kids ask when they can go to Disney, I feel guilty. I wish I could take them (partially because I love going too). Here is the thing though. I explain it to them. I say to them, we can go to Disney every year if you want to give up dance and gymnastics. So, what would you like to do? They both choose their activities. And, I have told them I will get them there as soon as I can and they choose to wait.

More guilt is added on for me because I have gone on 2 solo trips. My wife has told me on 2 occassions, when I am clearly burnt out from taking care of 4 kids, to get away for a weekend. I get gift cards for holidays and birthday gifts so I use them to go to Disney because I go for next to nothing. I stay at the value resorts and only go for a weekend. I still feel guilty. (I am going in October to run the ToT race. I still feel guilty but I do nothing for myself all year. I am running them to dance and gymnastics 3-4 days a week on top of everything else. So, I convince myself a weekend to do what I enjoy is OK.)

Now that I have bored you all. Here is why I feel OK about what my kids go without. My parents didn't have a lot of money. And, when they stressed about money they screamed at us. We didn't get talked to. No "explanation" was given so we could learn. I explain that we made a choice to stay home to take care of their brother. They get to do their activities where they have friends. They are learning skills I never had (like self-confidence having to perform in front of hundreds, or even a couple thousand people). And, I bet being spoken to with respect, as opposed to being screamed at, means more than any trip we could take them on.

 

[DawnM]

Actually no, I don't feel at all guilty. They get more than most kids get, even if we spend less $$ than most families.

We go out to eat with discounts (last night was half price at Sonny's for tax day, we all 5 got adult sized meals for $35!), we do Disney for much less than most do, and we find activities they can be in that they want but don't cost a lot.

I am not working anymore and stay home with the kids. I feel it is my "job" to find deals and discounts for things we are interested in doing.

We also have made sure that our increases in salary weren't just thrown in with the general funds. We have extra funds in savings for things we want to do so that it is there when we need it. We try very hard to continue to live on our "old salary" and save the surplus.

 

[runsandjumps]

It is important to try other things than Disney otherwise you end up like us ( obsessed lol)

We have passes to zoos and such but we only have I drive about 20 minutes to get there. We don't travel every year as a family out of state but I still feel the same guilt you do. There are only so many ways we can be pulled and so much money to get us there.

I think next year though I should broaden my horizons and go someplace completely different. It's nice to try other things once and see if they work for you.

 

[sonofanarchy]

It is important to try other things than Disney otherwise you end up like us ( obsessed lol)

We have passes to zoos and such but we only have I drive about 20 minutes to get there. We don't travel every year as a family out of state but I still feel the same guilt you do. There are only so many ways we can be pulled and so much money to get us there.

I think next year though I should broaden my horizons and go someplace completely different. It's nice to try other things once and see if they work for you.

When our oldest was born, we lived in a bigger city where there was plenty of little side things, and day trip type things. Before our twins were born, we moved to a more suburban area and there aren't a heck of a lot of things to do immediately around us. Amazing - I remember going to the zoo with my parents and it was free. There's a zoo maybe an hour from us and it's over $20 per person to get in. Crazy.

We always ask the kids every year what they want to do most and the answer is always Florida, so we stick with it. We do OK, but we're far from wealthy, and our 13 year old understands that. Plus, we promised him we'd help him get a car when he gets his license, so he's focused on that. I just worry that our youngest ones just don't get it yet. I'm sure it's mostly in my mind, but it's just something I thought about today, probably because the weather is starting to get nicer. After having been trapped inside all winter, even I'm getting cabin fever.

 

[mguilford1]

I think all parent's feel quilty about something they are or aren't doing! I am a grandparent now and we do spoil our granddaughter with time and activities! As we have gotten older we realize what the important things really are..time. I love looking back and remembering all of the things I did with my parents and grandparents and I can only tell you about one thing I received and I remember that only because I know how hard my parents and sisters worked to save $100 to get me a new coat and hat for Christmas that I wanted when I was 15! Anything else I ever got...I couldnt tell you! We are taking our granddaughter to WDW/Universal for her 8th Birthday this year but probably wont go again until her brother is 8 and she is 15. BTW I dont know if anyone mentioned this, but I just found out that you can go to your local library and get free family passes to places! I live in Portland, Maine and saw a sign at the desk about signing up for the family pass. When I was researching Boston they do the same with the Aquarium, museum and such....unfortunately I dont have a Boston Library Card!

 

[usd2bmd]

I don't feel guilty. I am the 2nd youngest of 6 siblings and my husband and I have one daughter. she has everything she needs and several things she wants. We usually go on vacation at least once a year but that is when the funding is available. There are always trade offs and choices. when she was younger she didn't always understand, but she does now and she sometimes helps to make the decisions.

As parents we always want to be able to do more...but I think it's more important to make the little things count.

 

[KimR]

I feel guilty once in a while but not because my kids don't get to do enough. Like others have mentioned, between work, school, extracurriculars and down time to relax there is only so much time. We do our best to ensure our kids are well-rounded and that everyone gets their turn to choose vacations and outings.

I do want to reiterate what a previous poster said, though, and that is that the quality of day-to-day life is far more important than vacations and 'stuff'. The most important thing to me is that I provide a home environment that fosters feelings of security, peace and happiness with lots of laughter, support and the ability for them to simply freely be who they are. Everything else is just gravy. LOL, I realize that sounds kind of trite and a little hippie-ish, but I did not have that kind of home environment growing up so I am very aware of how important it is.

 

[pigletgirl]

No doubt, my kids are pretty lucky. We have 3 boys (7, 7 and 13). We go on vacation every year for 2 weeks to Universal/Disney. Literally, each has been at least 1 time a year every year of their life. We go out every weekend for lunch, ice cream, and sometimes during the week as well. However, I feel bad. I look at some of the local activities that I'd like to do, and with what we pay for vacation, it doesn't leave a lot for those types of things. We take occasional weekend trips, and my boys want for nothing. But I see these zoos, amusement parks, etc, and we really don't do many of those things. I could always cut back on vacations, but we all enjoy them so much, I'd feel bad about that.

Not sure what I'm getting at exactly. Just something that was going through my mind. Wondering if I'm the only one.

Would you ever consider vacationing in other places?

 

[Waiting2goback]

I think all parent's feel quilty about something they are or aren't doing! I am a grandparent now and we do spoil our granddaughter with time and activities! As we have gotten older we realize what the important things really are..time. I love looking back and remembering all of the things I did with my parents and grandparents and I can only tell you about one thing I received and I remember that only because I know how hard my parents and sisters worked to save $100 to get me a new coat and hat for Christmas that I wanted when I was 15! Anything else I ever got...I couldnt tell you! We are taking our granddaughter to WDW/Universal for her 8th Birthday this year but probably wont go again until her brother is 8 and she is 15. BTW I dont know if anyone mentioned this, but I just found out that you can go to your local library and get free family passes to places! I live in Portland, Maine and saw a sign at the desk about signing up for the family pass. When I was researching Boston they do the same with the Aquarium, museum and such....unfortunately I dont have a Boston Library Card!

They have to give you free passes since it costs $50 to park. (I live in MA so I know from experience. Anything in Boston is pricey) It's a good point though in all seriousness. I think public libraries are like a dinosaur now so people don't often look to them as a resource anymore.

 

[aaarcher86]

Guilty? No.

There's plenty of things is like to do that I maybe don't get to, but it's just where my choices and priorities lie. We can't do it all. As long as the kids are happy and enjoying themselves I feel I'm doing alright.

 

[joviroxx]

Nope. My kids get to do and see plenty....

 

[sonofanarchy]

Would you ever consider vacationing in other places?

Absolutely. We've run cruises, family resorts by them. They chose next year to go to Disneyland. Not a big switch, but we've never been so we're gonna do that and see some of the coast as well.

 

[goodeats]

I'm a mom, of course I feel guilty!

Seriously though, every parent wants to give their kids the world. As much as I'd love to, there's no way we could afford to do ski vacations, European tours, summer camps, cruises, Hawaii, WDW, and still fund college and retirement. You have to pick and choose what is important to your family with the budget you have.

I do love Disney, and hope to take my girls to WDW a few times during their childhood. But unless we win the lottery, we'll never be the type of family to drop 5-10K every year on Disney. There's just other places I'd like to go. I mean for the money some people spend on Disney they could take a real African safari.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Absolutely. We've run cruises, family resorts by them. They chose next year to go to Disneyland. Not a big switch, but we've never been so we're gonna do that and see some of the coast as well.

Do they choose Disney because thats all theyve known and are comfortable with?

We stopped going to WDW 3 years ago. My kids are 10 and 15. There are way too many things in this big world to see other than WDW, and since we can only vacation a week or 2 a year it was time to switch it up.

The kids missed it at first but now they dont really even ask to go back.
We have fun no matter where we go and they now know WDW isnt the only place to vacation.

 

[disney4us2002]

Well, I don't feel guilty per se, but my 3 boys have attempted to make me feel guilty, lol. They say we spent so much time at Disney, beaches, cruises, etc. but never learned to ski or snowboard that they lived a sheltered life.....Hey, whatever, momma hates cold weather. Take your kids on cold weather trips!!! I feel no guilt about our vacation trips!