Parents--did your views on spanking change once you had children?

[Kathi OD]

Nope, not at all. Spanking a child is sometimes necessary (stress on sometimes).

 

[MoniqueU]

I didn't really have any ideas of what I was going to do when I had kids. I did spank. Except for dangerous situations I don't think it worked very well and neither did time outs. Most of the stuff kids do they just do and then outgrow it I think. Now I just wait for each phase to be gone through and talk (ok sometimes I scream) about it. My kids don't run wild by any means and I am very on top of things. Except for my oldest daughter she is a total challenge but good most of the time I don't have any issues that are that big with my kids. I even have a teenager that I REALLY LIKE. I would rather spend time with him then some of my friends he is just that fun and funny. My youngest daughter was spanked the very least all you had to do was tell her no to somthing once or looked at her crosseyed and she behaved right away. All my kids are great and I dont think me spanking them left a lasting effect but I just don't see the point of it in most situations now but then I am passed the hard years IMHO. So whatever works for whoever is fine.

 

[PixiePop]

I didn't change my views. I was spanked as a child and I didn't like the way it made me feel. I always knew I wouldn't spank my child when I was a parent, luckily my husband has the same view so there is no conflict there.

 

[Pigeon]

I've never believed assaulting anyone was OK. I have two children, aged 10 and 7.

 

[Magpie]

I was spanked as a 9yo. I completely lost respect for my mother. I don't/didn't think any nine year old should be bullied into pulling their pants down in front of an adult, for any reason. I remember thinking at the time, "If this is the worst she can do to me, then the h*ll with her!"

I decided back then that I wouldn't spank my kids. Now that I'm a parent myself... I still don't spank. And they don't do half the stuff I did at their age! They don't lie, they don't steal, they aren't running around behind my back, or disappearing for hours... the worst my 11yo daughter ever does is read books she's not supposed to. And my 10yo son is a bit of a rules Nazi, actually. He keeps ME in line!

Maybe I just got lucky. I don't know. I don't *think* my kids were easy. I never had anyone tell me they were angels. I had days when I was pulling my hair out. And yeah - I did hit my daughter once. I had my son between my knees and she walked over and BIT him. I smacked her away before I even realized it was her... All I could think was that something had just attacked my baby. I didn't stop to think that it was my other baby! But other than that, no.

Oh... and the rule goes for everyone in the house. I don't hit my husband (even in fun) and my husband doesn't hit me, and we don't hit the kids, and they don't hit each other, or the pets. It works! We actually came up with it before we had kids. My husband is a martial artist. I kicked him once when he wasn't expecting it and he almost slugged me. So, it's not just philosophical, it's a safety issue. No hitting. Period.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[darlak]

It is so sad to see how many are so judgmental here. Hopefully, with age will come wisdom. I’ve rarely seen a post where it was so badly needed.

 

[kaw1218]

Mine opinion didn't change.

I believe in spanking as a last resort.

Each of my girls got hit once. The oldest went to put scissors in an outlet. and the youngest opened the car door as we were driving down the Atlantic City Expressway.

 

[C.Ann]

I was spanked as a 9yo. I completely lost respect for my mother. I don't/didn't think any nine year old should be bullied into pulling their pants down in front of an adult, for any reason.

-------------------------------

Do you assume that all parents who spanked their children "bullied them into pulling their pants down in front of an adult"? I certainly hope not, because I don't know of anyone - my father included - who ever "bullied" a child into pulling their pants down in front of an adult.. Or even pulling their pants down at all, for that matter..

Obvioulsy different people have different definitions - and different personal experiences - when it comes to "spanking"..

 

[JennyMominRI]

Mine opinion didn't change.

I believe in spanking as a last resort.

Each of my girls got hit once. The oldest went to put scissors in an outlet. and the youngest opened the car door as we were driving down the Atlantic City Expressway.

So you punished the child because you did not keep keep the scissors somewhere where children can't get to them and because you did not have outlet covers? The only time mine were ever out was when I was using them.
I had automatic locks on the car doors so that my kids could not open them.

Ok, this came off as very judgmental...Please let me explain more... I started off as a spanker..
I totally understand the immediate urge to spank when a child puts their life in danger... When my DS was small he opened the window, pushed the screen out and went for a walk.. I panicked..Worst 10 minutes ever. After hugging him, I thought about punishing him so he wouldn't do it again. But then I realized it was my job to keep him safe..At two he didn't understand danger. He didn't understand consequences...
I got new bolts for the windows.
My kids didn't run out into the street unless I let go of their hands.If I let go of their hand and they ran in the street that would be my fault , when they are that small it's my job to protect them..
I doubt a small child has any clue about the dangers involved in opening a car door and even though it might be my instinct to spank them for doing so it was my job to make sure a small child is safe and secure inside of a car.
I screwed up a lot with my kids..I made mistakes, so I'm not picking on people who spank..I have my own issues..I just don't agree with spanking a child for doing something dangerous..It's my job to protect them from danger while they are small.

 

[Pigeon]

It is so sad to see how many are so judgmental here. Hopefully, with age will come wisdom. I’ve rarely seen a post where it was so badly needed.

With age will come wisdom? I assume most everyone here is at least in their late 20s, with many, if not most, significantly older than that.

 

[Aidensmom]

Nope, didn't change one bit. A parent who needs to spank is not respected by their child, and they have lost control of their child. I have always found as a parent of two that if I give them respect they do the same, and if I have requirements, they meet them.... We never once had to spank them into submission. I don't want my kids afraid of me, I want them to respect me and my judgements, and discuss their own opinions with me, knowing that I will respect them.

I just asked my son, who got a few spankings when he was younger, if he was afraid of me. He looked at me like I was a psycho woman and said "Of course not, you love me, why would I be afraid of you? Are you playing a joke?"

I then asked him if he respected me. He said "Mom, why are you asking me these crazy questions? Of course I do."

Finally, I asked him if he remembers being spanked. He said he did. I asked him why he was spanked, and he said last time that he remembers it because he kept saying a bad word after we told him not to and after he was put in time out and after we took TV away, then Daddy spanked him. I asked him did he think we should have done something else, and he again looked at me like I was a psycho woman and said "I think you had to spank me."

Of course it was a miracle he was willing to discuss his opinions with me in the first place, being a spanked child and all.

 

[RLccweems]

Some of us were discussing spanking (as a form of discipline with children ) last night and I wonder how many people had one opinion about spanking before having children, and then had their opinion change. Is so, what did you believe and how do you now believe?

Nope....same before kids and after kids...I have never believed in spanking. But then either did my parents.

lettie

 

[chobie]

For the posters who say they do not spank "out of anger"...please explain.

This is how I am envisioning it. Your child does something that makes you angry enough that you will have to hit them as a result. You walk away, count to 10, take a breath and calm down. Then you calmly & coolly, call your child over to hit them?? I don't understand this..

I don't get that either. I have smacked my kids a couple of times in anger and I'm not proud of it, but I don't understand the calm and cool spanking. I was the recipient of both types of hitting but the hitting in anger was to me understandable and forgivable. But the cold, calculated pull-down-your-pants beltings seemed cruel and sadistic. I learned nothing from those except how to to hate.

 

[Magpie]

-------------------------------

Do you assume that all parents who spanked their children "bullied them into pulling their pants down in front of an adult"? I certainly hope not, because I don't know of anyone - my father included - who ever "bullied" a child into pulling their pants down in front of an adult.. Or even pulling their pants down at all, for that matter..

Obvioulsy different people have different definitions - and different personal experiences - when it comes to "spanking"..

Well... it all *started* with "open hand on clothed bottom" - the way most people here seem to spank. When that didn't work to improve my behavior my mother had to escalate. So it became "open hand on bare bottom". And when THAT didn't work, it became "belt on bare bottom". Of course I was made to pull my own pants down! I doubt she would have been strong enough to rip them off me.

My mom used to tell me I was lucky. HER mother used to make her and her sisters go and get the belt and bring it to her so she could spank them. She thoughtfully spared me that particular humiliation.

Honestly, what do you do when spanking doesn't work? And if you have other options, why even bother with spanking in the first place? I'm very fond of natural consequences, myself. I remove kids from situations, restrain them, use time outs if they need a quiet moment to regain control, "time in" if they need some focussed attention, penalties, and reparations. I help them come up with things they can do to make up for what they did, etc, etc... It just takes a little imagination and a lot of patience.

You know how I got them to stop trying to run into the road? Besides holding their hand and being vigilant, and occasionally banning a kid to the stroller because he/she had demonstrated they couldn't be trusted? I showed them a dead squirrel and told them THAT was what would happen to them if they got hit by a car. They were very impressed!

I think most kids do manage to turn out just fine being spanked occasionally. But it's not for me or mine.

 

[C.Ann]

I think most kids do manage to turn out just fine being spanked occasionally. But it's not for me or mine.

-------------------------

This is a reasonable statement..

 

[Aidensmom]

I don't/didn't think any nine year old should be bullied into pulling their pants down in front of an adult, for any reason.

I'm NOT anti-spanking, but I do believe what you describe here is abuse. It was humiliation, not discipline.

I will say that I think that spanking after a certain maturity level is not right (don't want to say age because not all are the same maturity at the same age). I think spanking is probably most acceptable at a level where a child is not neccessarily able to understand reason or yet has some kind of "currency" that works with them. At this stage, telling my son he can't watch Disney Channel for the day is the worst level of hell, so that is what we usually use for discipline.

I am happy to say though, I RARELY have to discipline my child at all, with the exception of telling him to settle down sometimes, which is a FAR cry from a few years ago.

 

[kaw1218]

So you punished the child because you did not keep keep the scissors somewhere where children can't get to them and because you did not have outlet covers? The only time mine were ever out was when I was using them.
I had automatic locks on the car doors so that my kids could not open them.

wow. yes I guess I did.

My DD was 4 and I thought she was old enough to be able to sit at the table and use scissors.
She just got up and walked around the table and went to stick them in the outlet. why? I don't know. She couldn't tell me either.

And as for the child locks. I lost a dear friend in a accident. she got stuck in her car because of those damn locks. I vowed that my children will learn not to open a door in a moving car.
and she was 3 at the time. Old enough to know you don't do that.
Would i do it again you betcha. I don't beat my kids. I spanked them when necessary. Am I am not supposed to allow my children to make the correct choices, should I just always be there to tell them right and wrong.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm particularly amused by people having the notion that spanking somehow isn't hitting. Try "spanking" a stranger and see how that works for you. Either you'll find yourself in trouble with the law, or you'll have a new friend who is very into leather.

 

[darlak]

With age will come wisdom? I assume most everyone here is at least in their late 20s, with many, if not most, significantly older than that.

Exactly. It isn't even about the subject matter at hand, it's about the judgmental attitude of many of the posters. I don't often encounter adults who are so judgmental. It does bring in question the maturity level of so many who are supposedly adults.

If the decisions made regarding corporal punishment don't rise to the level of abuse, then why are so many so quick to belittle those who choose to spank. My personal opinion is that although I rarely spanked any of my 4 children, I don't believe a parent who does choose to do so is unfit or any less skilled at parenting than I am.

First and foremost though, is the fact that it isn't any of my business and it isn't my place to judge.