Parenting

[Zandy595]

How do you calm your children down when they are extremely angry. My DS10 has, for the lack of a better word, tantrums several times a day. The last few days he has been driving me crazy. He just starts freaking out over the littlest things. Just now he couldn't remember a sentence he was going to write for a vocabulary word and he lost it. I used to get angry with him and yell, but obviously that doesn't help so now I try to get him to calm down, which doesn't work. He got angry with me and threatened to "do something to me someday". I don't know what to do with him. When he finally calms down he apologizes and is a sweet boy again. I've thought about getting him into some kind of anger management class for kids, but I don't even know if they exist. When I calmly suggest going to the school guidance counselor he starts to cry and begs me not to make him go. I don't know what to do.

 

[CEDmom]

My DD is 6 and had her share of tantrums as a young child but not many now. I found sitting with her in her room effective. I wouldn't say anything but was there to make sure she didn't seriously hurt herself. After a few minutes she'd calm down and then I'd hold her while she cried a little. Finally when she was competely calm we'd talk about what happened.

I don't mean to add to your problems but honestly I'd be concerned about a 10 yo having difficulty controlling his emotions better. I think it's something worth discussing with the school counselor. They have many resources available. Our district actually has group counseling for kids dealing with various emotional issues.

Good luck to you.

 

[lw49033]

He needs a punishment of some kind. I believe in spanking and grounding, but a lot of people here think that's barbaric. But he does need some serious consequence. Don't kid yourself that he can't control himself. He just doesn't have a good enough reason to try.

 

[mickeyboat]

I'm with CEDmom. My DD is 6, and when she was younger she had some difficulties controlling herself when she was upset. We would put her in her room and tell her she could some out when she had calmed down. We would go in and give her a hug if she asked. But she has gotten much much better this year since she has started school. I would think a 10 year old could control his emotions better.

A friend of mine talked to the school guidance counselor about issues she was having with her 11 year old. The counselor talked to the boy, and was able to really help. He recommended a book that has helped a lot.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[The Mystery Machine]

#1, stay out of it. If he is "losing it" and you jump in then you become a target. Not the time to discuss things.
Right now I would watch him "lose it" and see what he does or leave the room. No comforting, contact, nothing.
He could just have stuff bothering him and as a preteen they tend to overreact.

As far as the comment, since you are always in his business he probably feels you are lashing out at him, so he said something to hurt you.

Threatening him with a counselor is not a proper way to handle this. That needs to stop. If you want to take him to a counselor you make an appt. and then take him. Do not bring that up in the heat of the moment.

I have a "tough 14yo" girl so I have been through alot. I am not perfect, but I do know a few tricks. We have done counseling a few times. It does help!!!!!

 

[poohandwendy]

You don't calm him down, you give him the opportunity to learn to calm himself down. There is a big difference. You do not give your full, undivided attention to out-of-control behavior and he will learn it does not get him anywhere. At 10, he needs to learn self control. I would send him to his room until he can present himself calmly. I did this with my eldest DD when she hit puberty, she would be sent to here room for 30 minutes so that she could decompress after school. She needed that time and I wasn't going to put up with her attitude.

I would not present this as a punishment, more a time for him to privately collect himself. If he does not pull it together, then it is time for punishment, IMHO.

Good luck to you.

 

[Spinning]

luckily we don't have many tantrum. But I have found with my son, who is only 8 when he is easily frustrated he actually needs me. Not to do the work but to have some one on one time with him. Such as sitting on my lap, and reading. Or just some hugs. Granted if he was throwing a tantrum that might not be the best time. But you may want to look at the entire picture. What is going on in his life? changes at school, more responsiblity? fighting iwth friends? So many times people act out when they don't feel comfortable or in control (I dont mean he should be running the house, but he may feel lost or frustrated with the work load he is required right now)
Good luck.

 

[Kirby]

When my daughter was little, I punished her physically when she threw a temper tantrum and found that that just created bigger problems. So instead of spanking her, I just sent her off to her room until she calmed down and could be nice. I found that giving her a chance to "cry" it out worked wonders. This may be a girl thing, I don't know. Sometimes it took awhile and sometimes not. If she had been rude to me, she had to apologize. Now she is very good at controlling her anger.

She used to get really angry doing her homework. She didn't want to sit down and do it, therefore she was closeminded especially when it came to doing math problems. I'd get very frustrated and we would both end up yelling. I got to where when I saw it coming I would just have her get up from the table and go to her room until she had calmed down and was ready to work. She always knew she had to come back and do it, just needed a little space. And I would talk to her afterwards about it, just so she knew that I wasn't angry with her.

Now I am not opposed to spankings but not in this case. It just compounds the problem and makes both parent and child more frustrated. I feel that it can be handled without physical punishment, i.e. sending them to their room, sorta like a naughty chair that Jo-Jo uses.

In your son's case, try that first. If it doesn't get better, I'd try some sort of anger management/counseling. You both might do well to take it, him for control and you to learn how to deal with it constructively.

 

[Disney_1derland]

My child is younger(6), but has the intelligence of a 10-12 year old. Unfortunately, she has a very hard time dealing with her emotions. We have found that the bad outbursts are more likely to happen when she is overstimulated. There are no electronic devices in her bedroom, no tv or video games, no phone or radio, no computer. When we send her in to calm down we take away as much stimulation as possible, it really does help. We also have started to give her a focusing point to place her anger into. It sounds ridiculous but is a technique that has really helped her. We give her a cold wet wash cloth. We tell her that she can squeeze it, bite it, whatever, but she must put all of her mad into the wash cloth. When she is done and calmed, we go together to rinse out the wash cloth and wash away the 'mad'. Now, when she is getting out of control all I have to do is send her to her room, switch off the lights and tell her I'm going to get the washcloth. Usually by the time I get back with the wash cloth she is already calming. Took a few months to get to this point but it is progress and it is working. Now by the time I get back with the washcloth she is calm enough for me to wipe her face and then we talk about what put her over the edge. It has taken us from 3-4 times a week down to about once a month.

We also have to be very careful about over scheduling her, she just doesn't handle stress well.

Good Luck.

 

[Sandy V.]

You don't calm him down, you give him the opportunity to learn to calm himself down. There is a big difference. You do not give your full, undivided attention to out-of-control behavior and he will learn it does not get him anywhere. At 10, he needs to learn self control. I would send him to his room until he can present himself calmly. I did this with my eldest DD when she hit puberty, she would be sent to here room for 30 minutes so that she could decompress after school. She needed that time and I wasn't going to put up with her attitude.

I would not present this as a punishment, more a time for him to privately collect himself. If he does not pull it together, then it is time for punishment, IMHO.

Good luck to you.

I agree with this.

The only thing I have to add is that if a child of mine at ANY age threatened to "do something to me someday" s/he would be sitting in front of both Dad and Mom and it would be clearly understood that this type of crap would NEVER go on again. I strongly feel there needs to be some type of consequences/punishment for this attempt to intimidate.

 

[lw49033]

The only thing I have to add is that if a child of mine at ANY age threatened to "do something to me someday" s/he would be sitting in front of both Dad and Mom and it would be clearly understood that this type of crap would NEVER go on again. I strongly feel there needs to be some type of consequences/punishment for this attempt to intimidate.

Exactly. Except at our house they wouldn't be "sitting" for very long!

 

[disykat]

I have a similar child. He is a wonderful boy with terrific grades, no problems at school, etc. - but an occasional total meltdown at home when stress just builds and he can't deal anymore. At 13 things are better, but we had some rough years dealing with his tantrums. They have definately decreased over the years.

A child having a tantrum because he is overstimulated and not able to deal with it is NOT THE SAME as throwing manipulative tantrum because he wants is way. I do not consider it a punishable offense. If your son is like mine, he regrets his behavior as soon as he has calmed down and is probably harder on himself than anything I could dole out.

You've gotten some wonderful advice about calming routines and keeping stimulation down. Another thing we have done is provided a punching bag and talked to him about using exercise as an outlet for some of the steam when he's about to explode.

Now he prefers to be alone when he is upset, but when he was younger that made it escalate. He needed help calming down. Many people have never dealt with these kinds of tantrums and they are assuming this is simple misbehavior. What you are probably dealing with is a temperment issue and is more of a learning process than a discipline issue.

Each year as my son ages, he is getting better at "stepping out" of the tantrum and looking at his behavior and seeing the ridiculousness of it and being more willing to work on other solutions.

I read a book years ago called "The Difficult Child" by Stanley Turecki that has really helped me deal with my son. It was written in the 80's. I know there were lots of books written in the 90's about "highly sensitive" or even Sensory Integration Disorders that you might find helpful. You've probably read some of this stuff if you've been dealing with this since infancy, like we have. If this is something new for you, maybe he is having issues with adolsence.

At any rate, I'm sure a counselor would be very helpful. Just make sure it's not seen as a punishment (easier said than done, I know!).

 

[lw49033]

Just because misbehavior isn't malicious, or done with full intention, does not mean they are not responsible for it or that it can't rightly incur punishment. Losing your temper isn't a defense for an adult, and in my opinion 10 (let alone 13) is high time and past time for them to start bearing responsibility for it.

 

[golfgal]

I have to say that a 10 year old that is having multiple total breakdowns a day needs professional help. I would get him to a counselor that specialized with kids and have him start working with him. I would also be concerned about the comment about hurting you some day. While kids get angry at their parents, it isn't normal to want to hurt them. In the mean time, send him to his room and ignore his behavior until he is calm again and then you can talk with him. I have 2 10 year olds and they have not had a tantrum since they were about 3.

 

[Jpgirl]

I agree about the professional help. Our ds always had melt downs. Whe he turned 11 they got worse. He was finally diagnosed Bipolar 1. Depression presents as anger and tantrums in kids. Forget the school councilor-head straight to the pediatrics doc and get a referrral to a psychiatrist to get it checked out-early intervention is the best medication. My older dd never did this so I've had experience with "normal" kid behavoir and "different" behavoir. Good luck.

 

[lw49033]

Now I am not opposed to spankings but not in this case. It just compounds the problem and makes both parent and child more frustrated.

I do agree that a kid shouldn't be spanked in the middle of a tantrum, (unless it is absolutely the only way to control a kid who is endangering himself, etc.) A spanking only does good if the kid is thinking objectively enough to understand why he earned it. But it can be a consequence after they are calm enough to reflect on what they did.

 

[HaleyB]

First off, it is a really hard age. Both for the child and the parent. For the child there is a TON of pressure to 'grow up' or 'be mature' and they are also getting those first hormone rushes (I remember the smell when my oldest hit this age, yuck). We expect a lot from pre teens. Instead of thinking of him as already 10, try thinking of him as only 10. Really that is still a little kid.

Do you remember what it was like to be 10? Everyone has all these unspoken expectations and you really don't think you are up to the task. Other kids are beyond mean. You feel like no one understands you, and you may be right. Your best friends drop you or you get yelled at by a teacher... I wouldn't ever want to be 10 again.

Don't just focus on the times he goes out of control. Watch to see if he is building up the pressure and try to teach him to defuse before a melt down even happens. Teach him some tactics, like walking it off, or lifting weights. Try to get him to talk about what is going on in his life, and accept that he may prefer to talk to someone else. An older cousin or Aunt or Uncle.

I agree with what some people here have already said, punish him for acting on his anger. Make sure it is clear to him that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to act on it. Pick a day he seems calm and tell him exactly what you will do if he gets out of control. Then do it.

Because he threatened you I would seek some help from a counselor.

 

[mickeymousemom]

I have to say that a 10 year old that is having multiple total breakdowns a day needs professional help. I would get him to a counselor that specialized with kids and have him start working with him. I would also be concerned about the comment about hurting you some day. While kids get angry at their parents, it isn't normal to want to hurt them. In the mean time, send him to his room and ignore his behavior until he is calm again and then you can talk with him. I have 2 10 year olds and they have not had a tantrum since they were about 3.

I totally agree....something seems pretty wrong here and I think his comments and multiple tantrums daily shouldn't be taken lightly.

 

[lw49033]

First off, it is a really hard age. Both for the child and the parent. For the child there is a TON of pressure to 'grow up' or 'be mature' and they are also getting those first hormone rushes (I remember the smell when my oldest hit this age, yuck). We expect a lot from pre teens. Instead of thinking of him as already 10, try thinking of him as only 10. Really that is still a little kid.

With all respect, I completely disagree. Every age is hard--adulthood is hard. When people train themselves, as you're suggesting, not to expect much from their "little kids", that's what they usually get. In the long run you can only achieve what you aim for. If you think of a 10 yo as a little kid, that is what he'll act like. If you demand better and back it up with action, you'll be surprised at the change. It's amazing how many things kids find out they can do, or stop doing, when they have no choice!

 

[buddy&wooz]

My 8 year old went through a stage where he would have huge tantrums at the smallest thing. I would tell him he couldn't be around anyone else while he was like that and make him go to his room until he calmed down and was fit to be with other humans. At first he would fight me on it but I kept sending him back into the room, yes, sometimes I would have to pick him up and place him in there. But I wouldn't lock him in.

After a short time I'd check on him, and if he wasn't calming I'd remind him he needed to calm down. Eventually he always did, and then we'd talk rationally about what happened.

It's a very time and labor intensive thing to do, but it was effective- now when he's upset he'll often send himself to his room to calm down! Then he'll come to me and want to talk about it. He hasn't had a full-out tantrum like he used to in a long time.