Parenting encouragement

[Aidensmom]

Since being on these boards, I have read a lot of posts criticizing parenting techniques that have been witnessed at WDW, Walmart, and many other public places. What I am wondering is, does anyone ever give a parent ENCOURAGEMENT for what they are doing, or has anyone received parenting encouragement from a stranger?

About 6 months ago, I was at the grocery store with my son. He decided he didn't want to stay seated in the cart anymore (he was 3 years old at the time). I told him he needed to sit so he wouldn't fall out, meant nothing to him. I told him if he did not stay seated, I would have to put the Pop Tarts back, meant nothing to him, Pop Tarts went back on the shelf. I stopped the cart and said we were not moving again until he was sitting correctly. Well, this meant something to him, but not enough to sit properly. Instead he threw a tantrum, a very loud tantrum. I stood my ground, I had told him we were not moving till he sat properly, and we were not going to, no matter how much yelling, screaming, and crying he did. Of course I got all kinds of dirty looks, because I must be a horrible parent to have a child that has a tantrum. After about 3 or 4 minutes, I had a woman come over to me who said "I heard you tell him you were not moving till he sat right. I am a pre-school teacher, and I just want to tell you that you are doing the right thing by not giving in." That bit of encouragement meant the world to me.

I also always try to give someone a smile of "I know what you are going through" when I see a parent dealing with the same kind of thing. The best of us have kids that act up sometimes.

 

[bananiem]

I tend to say nice things in restaurants when I see kids behaving so well. It meant the world to us when people said it to us. It validated what we were doing was right.
When I see people that obviously need ideas on how to "manage" their kids it makes me want to take the classes to become a Parent Educator. But then I wonder how many of the ones that NEED the advice and strategies wouldn't sign up for classes anyway.

 

[Nancy]

Thats one of the problems with seeing a screaming kid and a Mom that seems to be ignoring the screaming...we have no idea what led to that point...and we have no idea what the Mom is doing as far as discipline goes. I tend not to say anything, but I also try not to be too judgemental. First of all, everyone has their own parenting style, just because it is not mine doesn't make it wrong.

Now if I see a person who is oblivious to their childs behaviour and that could cause an injury (in the store when I'm working) I have been known to say something. (like "oh honey don't touch that, it is very hot"). Otherwise I keep my mouth shut.

 

[Quackmore]

I think what you did is great!. You handled it the best way you knew how.
I think those of us who have raised children do know what others are going through obviously when you see that happen in public. It really doesn't phase me in the least because we've all been there. I've never praised anybody but I also have not given anybody dirty looks either because I know what they are going through. I've had it happen with my kids but not often. All I have to do is glare at them and they shut right up now. If they acted up they knew I'd discipline when we got to the car or got home. They don't pull any crap on me or my wife any more luckily.

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

I've said, sorry, I feel your pain or something like that when a parent is struggling in those situations. I've also smiled to let someone know I am not ticked or irritated that their child is throwing a fit in a store, or wherever. Or, I've complimented a kid for something - you sure are waiting patiently to see the doctor, I know it's a long wait...(I guess that's the teacher in me butting in!)

As for encouragement, my DH and I try to give each other compliments on things we do parenting wise to try to encourage each other. My son is such a huge handful, it really helps to hear someone say you're doing a good job when you might feel like you're the biggest failure that day!!

 

[Crankyshank]

I don't get involved when a parent is parenting or not parenting their rambunctious child. I do compliment people on their well behaved children at places like restaurants and movie theaters.

 

[tinaluis]

When my middle DD was about 4 we went to the post office. The clerk brought out a coloring book to give to my DD and I told my DD to say thank you but she wouldn't. I warned her that if she didn't thank the clerk that we'd have to give the book back. She wouldn't say thank you so I handed the book back to the clerk and told her that I appreciated the gesture, but since DD would not say "thank you" that she shouldn't have the book. Of course, I felt like an ogre but wanted to teach DD a lesson. She said "Now that's a good parent. Most parents will let their child keep the book even if they don't say thank you." It validated my decision and made me feel a little less like a meanie. And it also made an impression on DD who still remembers it to this day (she's 7 now).

I also try compliment parents when I see children who are well-behaved (or really trying). I realize how hard it is sometimes!

 

[Hillbeans]

I rarely find people giving any kind of good parenting encouragement. I always put a hat on my 7 week old these days, just so as to not get assaulted at the store from people telling me the baby's cold when it was 70 degrees outside. Maybe it's just that i'm sensitive to unsolicited parenting advice - it bothers me a lot especially when my children are for the most part quiet and behaved when we're out.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I will give a word of encouragement to a stranger if I believe they are doing the right thing.

 

[momof2inPA]

I used to belt my kids into those cart seats so tightly, they could barely breathe, much less move. OK, I'm exaggerating. I do compliment parents on their kids' good behavior, but I don't remember intervening when a parent was disciplining. They have enough to deal with besides talking to a stranger.

 

[tiff211]

Aidensmom, you beat me to the punch!! I was just going to start a thread like this.

Over the summer, we took DD's to quite a few events and we actually got a lot of comments on how well behaved they were. One women commented how it was a refreshing change to see mindful children in this day and age. Another time, I saw a man come from the other side of the street (we were at a fair) to tell us how good they were being. The last time this happened was just a week ago, when we were at the hospital for DD3's surgery and we had DD5 with us. She was getting antsy from being in the waiting room so long while I was in the recovery room with DD3. A nurse asked if me if she could go bring her a lollipop. I said yes and she brought it out to her. She came back and told me how she was amazed because when she handed the lolly to DD, she said "I have to ask my daddy if I can have it first." I heard her at the nurses station repeating the story.

I know when I am dealing with a misbehaving child in public, I admit on top of that, I sometimes think people are watching an judging how I handle it. So, when I see a parent going through that, I will go up to them and say with a smile "don't worry, I have one also". My way of saying, you are not alone!

 

[Minnie824]

Before I had kids, I'm sure I was one of those people who said "well, my kids will never act like that". yeah right! You can't always control when and if they'll have tantrums. You can, however, discipline them as you see fit. And to me, if that inconviences a few people at a store, too bad. I don't think you should give into the kids if they are misbehaving, just because youre in public...that will make them think they can get away with it. I am sympathetic with other parents...when I can tell they're trying to deal with the situation. When I hear a child screaming, I don't just blame the parents and think, well, they should leave. There are also times when I think parents aren't disciplining their children, and I would complain about....such as when a little girl in the store the other day stuck her tongue out at my DD for no reason. DD & I were just standing in line behind them, she was running everywhere then did that to my DD. All the mom said was 'see how good that little girl is behaving' about my DD.

 

[NMAmy]

I try not to judge other parents. I think we've all been in situations where our kids make us want to pull our hair out and we should have a little compassion for others.

My greatest compliment came from my dad. He and my mom took dd to dinner when she was about 9 when we first moved back to Michigan. He was so impressed with her behavior at the restaurant that when he got back, he told me, "It was like taking a 40 year old out to dinner. She picked out what she wanted, ordered competently, was polite to the server, and then made pleasant conversation with us."

 

[Ava83]

I have a saying, if it is not my kid this week, it will be mine next. I think it is wrong for people to judge anyone on parenting without having the full story. People parent differently and what is right for my kid is not the same for yours.

This whole looks and concern on other peoples faces when my daughter is having a fit is a pet peeve of mine.(like I am hurting her) I just love it though when someone tells me they have been there too!

If she is hurt she will be in my arms, if she is having a temper its her problem.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I've said things like, "been there, done that, and it does get better" when a parent is having a tough time. I also try to give a "knowing smile", but that's harder because I don't want it to look like I'm amused by what the other people are going through.

How great that the preschool teacher spoke up with the encouraging words. Sometimes the little things can mean so much when dealing with a difficult child (or at least a difficult situation).

I know that I've said it on the DIS before, but negative attitudes from strangers (or from family) does nothing to help a tense and difficult situation with a child. A kind word does so much to help, especially when a parent is trying to handle a situation and not having much obvious luck. I've always felt that we're in this together and anything I can do to help someone else is good and visa versa.

 

[Marseeya]

I wouldn't go up to an adult and tell them "good job" because you never know! They might be putting on their public face and be beating the crap out of their kids behind closed doors. That's not the only reason, but still.

I do compliment well-behaved kids, though. I love seeing looks of pride on their little faces.

On the other side of the coin, I'd never let a parent know I was critical of anything they were or weren't doing except in the cases of blatant abuse. Then I might get myself in trouble.