Parenting advice needed??? Help!

[StitchesGr8Fan]

He has not officially been "diagnosed" but when we filled out the forms for ADHD the Pediatrician said not ADHD but sounds more like ODD.

The funny thing is here is that DS12 gets much more attention. He is the one who gets to do all the fun stuff. He is the one who gets invited to birthday parties, he is the one who goes to school dances, he is the one who gets to go to six flags with friends, he is the one who gets to roam around the neighborhood with friends, my little guy is dragged all over the place to DS12's games, practices, drop offs, pick ups, etc. You'd think it would be the opposite!

Sounds like DS12 gets a lot more attention from OTHERS. Does he get enough attention from you?

Not accusing, but everything you mentioned is attention from outside of your nuclear family.

 

[Liberty Belle]

He has not officially been "diagnosed" but when we filled out the forms for ADHD the Pediatrician said not ADHD but sounds more like ODD.

The funny thing is here is that DS12 gets much more attention. He is the one who gets to do all the fun stuff. He is the one who gets invited to birthday parties, he is the one who goes to school dances, he is the one who gets to go to six flags with friends, he is the one who gets to roam around the neighborhood with friends, my little guy is dragged all over the place to DS12's games, practices, drop offs, pick ups, etc. You'd think it would be the opposite!

Your son sounds very impulsive to me. If I were you, I'd see a therapist for a thorough eval for ADHD.

 

[Mkrop]

He has not officially been "diagnosed" but when we filled out the forms for ADHD the Pediatrician said not ADHD but sounds more like ODD.

The funny thing is here is that DS12 gets much more attention. He is the one who gets to do all the fun stuff. He is the one who gets invited to birthday parties, he is the one who goes to school dances, he is the one who gets to go to six flags with friends, he is the one who gets to roam around the neighborhood with friends, my little guy is dragged all over the place to DS12's games, practices, drop offs, pick ups, etc. You'd think it would be the opposite!

Maybe this is the 12 year old's currency, not the electronics. Start taking this stuff away and maybe you will see an attitude adjustment.


Also see if you can arrange for your DS10 not to be dragged everywhere, I know it is easier said than done bc I am in the same boat. DS15 is in high school now and very active. DS10 started experiencing anxiety bc we were always so "busy". So I started asking my mom (or I was going to hire a sitter) to stay home with him. The stress of not being dragged everywhere all the time worked, as well as therapy. Is he still dragged about 80% of the places, YES, it is called life and he does need to learn to deal, but those few times I was able to let him relax at home, made a huge difference....just a suggestion.

 

[java]

Family meeting time. Calm cool heads prevail. Not accusatory. Just a " this isn't working for any of us" kind of meeting. Set down guidelines, maybe even write them down. Let them have clear cut rules on what is expected.

Some that we have laid down

1. Treat everyone with respect. EVERYONE!
2. No whining!
3. Responsibilities.( lay out your specific ones for each child)
Most importantly establish the family unit. We are in this together kind of feel. Working together is much smoother than working against.

We have never resorted to physical stuff because we have not needed to. Now my two youngest can go at it. Then tv gets turned off and I send them outside with something silly, like water guns. Let them run it out.

Ect...

Then open the floor for discussion. Do they have issues they would like to address?

We for a while had the random acts of kindness thing going. I started it and pointed out didn't you really enjoy that? Guess what I enjoyed it even more. It felt great to make you happy. Encourage them to give it a try.

 

[LisaR]

He has not officially been "diagnosed" but when we filled out the forms for ADHD the Pediatrician said not ADHD but sounds more like ODD.

The funny thing is here is that DS12 gets much more attention. He is the one who gets to do all the fun stuff. He is the one who gets invited to birthday parties, he is the one who goes to school dances, he is the one who gets to go to six flags with friends, he is the one who gets to roam around the neighborhood with friends, my little guy is dragged all over the place to DS12's games, practices, drop offs, pick ups, etc. You'd think it would be the opposite!

I agree with Mkrop. This is definitely his currency. You need to sit him down and explain how things will work from this day forward. You need to give him very clear rules and very clear consequences. Everytime he treats his brother like crap or disrespects you guys, he can't go/do the next activity. And most importantly, you need to follow through. Don't argue with him. Tell him once, "You just lost going to XYZ tomorrow because of what you just said/did." If he tries to argue, whine, fight, etc, walk away. Go to your room and take your own timeout if you need to. The rule is the rule and he broke it. Eventually he will see that you mean business and he can't argue his way out of it.

 

[Southernmiss]

Is the older boy extroverted and younger introverted? I have two of each. The extroverts always have to have activities the other two are content to be at home and need down time.

 

[lukenick1]

Actually the ipod and laptop were definitely his currency. The only reason he is going out with friends now is because he has nothing better to do. He would have been sitting in his butt playing minecraft, so taking those things away was a win win situation for me! So far things are better but probably because he has been outside with friends. No time to sass me or get nasty to his brother. I think he acts up the most when he is tired/hungry/ or bored. Obviously! As far as trying to do something one on one, he is at the age now where he isn't the least bit interested in hanging out with Dad or I. He'd rather be with friends, kind of isolates himself to his room with the ipod and laptop. Its been nice to see his face more often around the house and interact with him without being told to hold on so he can finish typing a text to a friend.

 

[lukenick1]

Is the older boy extroverted and younger introverted? I have two of each. The extroverts always have to have activities the other two are content to be at home and need down time.

The older one is the introvert and the younger the extrovert.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Am I reading this right...
The 'introvert' is the one who is always out going places doing activities, sports, etc... and busy on his electronics staying connected to friends.
And, the 'extrovert' is the one who who is all into 'my heart felt good'... And is not out socializing and participating?
He is simply 'dragged' out of the house.... to go along with other family activities.

There seems to be some major confusion here.
This kind of confusion on the part of a parent?

It sounds like, because the one child does not have a close relationship with his parents, he is being labeled more an introvert.
(a kid at this age avoiding extended interaction with his parents in favor of his peers is very common, and has nothing to do with the label of 'introvert'.
When, on every other single level, he is very social.
And, exactly the opposite with the other child.
Which, if this is true, I see that as a real problem.

And, if there is this confusion about who these kids really are, and what their needs and desires really are, then, again, I can only recommend some good counseling to clear this up.

 

[lukenick1]

Am I reading this right...
The 'introvert' is the one who is always out going places doing activities, sports, etc... and busy on his electronics staying connected to friends.
And, the 'extrovert' is the one who who is all into 'my heart felt good'... And is not out socializing and participating?
He is simply 'dragged' out of the house.... to go along with other family activities.

There seems to be some major confusion here.
This kind of confusion on the part of a parent?

It sounds like, because the one child does not have a close relationship with his parents, he is being labeled more an introvert.
(a kid at this age avoiding extended interaction with his parents in favor of his peers is very common, and has nothing to do with the label of 'introvert'.
When, on every other single level, he is very social.
And, exactly the opposite with the other child.
Which, if this is true, I see that as a real problem.

And, if there is this confusion about who these kids really are, and what their needs and desires really are, then, again, I can only recommend some good counseling to clear this up.

Ok...let me clarify this a little more. DS12 is the Introvert, not as much now as he used to be but he is the kid who is shy to find friends, kind of waits quietly for kids to approach him. For the longest time kids would shy away from him because they didn't know him, now he is getting more and more social since he started 6th grade. I still consider him an introvert because he needs to be approached first, waits to be invited to hang out. Once the kids get to know him he has become pretty popular which I am happy about.

DS10 is the extrovert, the funny one, class clown, center of attention, super outgoing, can make friends anywhere. Not really into sports. Too young still to go out with friends alone, doesn't really get invited to birthday parties which I can't understand why still. Has health issues like peanut/tree nut allergies and asthma. Gets dragged all over to DS12's sport practices, games, drop off, pick ups, etc.

 

[luvsJack]

op does any of his behavior coincide with his game playing or being on the internet?

 

[LisaR]

op does any of his behavior coincide with his game playing or being on the internet?

I will bet a large amount of money she says no. However, I have found from personal experience with my DS and other families I have talked to that if you remove the gaming and hiding out in the bedroom with the internet, their personalities change for the better. I know a lot of kids can handle it, but some can't. We removed all electronics from my son's life for three months and then slowly added it back in in limited amounts. Night and day difference in him. Even he can now see how much it consumed him and changed his personality. You won't know if it makes a difference until you completely remove it.

 

[luvsJack]

I will bet a large amount of money she says no. However, I have found from personal experience with my DS and other families I have talked to that if you remove the gaming and hiding out in the bedroom with the internet, their personalities change for the better. I know a lot of kids can handle it, but some can't. We removed all electronics from my son's life for three months and then slowly added it back in in limited amounts. Night and day difference in him. Even he can now see how much it consumed him and changed his personality. You won't know if it makes a difference until you completely remove it.

I had the same experience with ds. It was like he would shut himself off from us with games and internt and become depressed or something and start lashing out at us.

 

[lukenick1]

op does any of his behavior coincide with his game playing or being on the internet?

ABSOLUTELY! Most of our problem was about him spending too much time on the Xbox/Computer/ Ipod! I would tell him it was time to get off, he would say wait, I would say it again, he wouldn't do it, I would go shut it off, he would freak out! I loathed the fact that he spent so much time on those games so much that I tried to set rules and arguments would break out. I am SOOOOO HAPPY he is grounded from those things. He is being active, social, and more pleasant, etc.

 

[runsandjumps]

You have gotten some great advice. I just wanted to say that I am right there with you and my kids are way younger. I hope you find what works for you. Practice makes perfect. And sometimes I think we forget that as parents tomorrow is another day where we can try new parenting methods. You may feel bad about your reactions but that doesn't mean you can't change.

After all it is our reaction that really is the catalyst.

 

[lukenick1]

I will bet a large amount of money she says no. However, I have found from personal experience with my DS and other families I have talked to that if you remove the gaming and hiding out in the bedroom with the internet, their personalities change for the better. I know a lot of kids can handle it, but some can't. We removed all electronics from my son's life for three months and then slowly added it back in in limited amounts. Night and day difference in him. Even he can now see how much it consumed him and changed his personality. You won't know if it makes a difference until you completely remove it.

Sorry LisaR.......your going to be broke

 

[lukenick1]

You have gotten some great advice. I just wanted to say that I am right there with you and my kids are way younger. I hope you find what works for you. Practice makes perfect. And sometimes I think we forget that as parents tomorrow is another day where we can try new parenting methods. You may feel bad about your reactions but that doesn't mean you can't change.

After all it is our reaction that really is the catalyst.

Good luck to you.....I used to complain about stuff when they were little and as they get older it gets much worse. Take some of this advice now trust me

 

[LisaR]

ABSOLUTELY! Most of our problem was about him spending too much time on the Xbox/Computer/ Ipod! I would tell him it was time to get off, he would say wait, I would say it again, he wouldn't do it, I would go shut it off, he would freak out! I loathed the fact that he spent so much time on those games so much that I tried to set rules and arguments would break out. I am SOOOOO HAPPY he is grounded from those things. He is being active, social, and more pleasant, etc.

Good for you! Most people don't want to see it, myself included. The thing is, you need a plan because he is only grounded from those things temporarily. You need to have very strict guidelines of when he can use them (only after chores & homework are done and he is being nice to everyone), where he can use them (not holed up in his room), how he can use them (not ignoring you when he is using them) and how long he is allowed to play.

 

[LisaR]

Sorry LisaR.......your going to be broke

I already am so no biggie!

 

[kirstenb1]

Good for you! Most people don't want to see it, myself included. The thing is, you need a plan because he is only grounded from those things temporarily. You need to have very strict guidelines of when he can use them (only after chores & homework are done and he is being nice to everyone), where he can use them (not holed up in his room), how he can use them (not ignoring you when he is using them) and how long he is allowed to play.

Agree, and it seems like common sense, but I'd set a time limit ___ hours per day, and electronics off and in their chargers downstairs after ____ o'clock.